solid churn

Day has gone, it’s not like importance mattered.

Daydreamers hold on to where stories overlap.

How long can pain surround hope, while hope surrounds pain?

The passing of time is slowest in the middle of silence.

Pride is a heavy thing to carry into sleep.

While others looked down on me, I looked up into the World.

Importance gone, but not like this day mattered.

Was I ever foolish enough to believe in tame endings?

Forgiveness always knows to smile because there’s so much more to do.

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heaventown

Dim me mellow
A constant look away

Just ordinary fellows
Chipped their coins in and never played

Down the street to heaventown
They ask good souls to look around
Are you whispered
Are you found

Or do you swing it
Upsidedown

The view was never better
And you’re missing all the fun
Envelopes drip honey
Jimmy never gets his gun

And Jack and Jill erupt
For yet another silent run

Down the street to heaventown
They ask good souls to look around
Are you whispered
Are you found

Are you cemented to your ground

The soup is plain
The dogs are tired
Walls go insane
Wings catch on fire

Windows open slowly
For the doors that you slammed shut
And dreams deserved swing lowly
Past what time forgets to cut

Down the street to heaventown
They ask good souls to look around
Are you whispered
Are you found

Are you free? Or are you bound

Do you breathe the silence
Do you eat the sound

Do you suffer up your gravestone
For a birth that circles ‘round

Find what’s up
And live what’s down
Dream the dreams of heaventown
Just take your penny for a pound
Screw the master
Praise the hound
Drink your dessert
From lost and found

They’ll never understand it
Those that bravely paved the way
Just ordinary fellows
Chipped their coins in and never played

Down the streets to heaventown
Now they charge to look around
Give your blood
And bleed your ground
It’s all the same
For heaventown

~2008 eebrinker

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myexperiencesatthejavashop

well, for one thing – it was nothing like a Starbucks. i suppose we served tall Lattes. as far as i know, the first to do that. and i learned it from a French visitor to the Oxnard Shores beach.

row after row of beans in lucite containers. as assistant manager, it was my job to check the levels first thing when i entered the shop. if any were low, i noted the type of coffee and went in the back looking for the cussack with that name. you had to fill the bins from the top, and a door at the bottom made sure only the older beans were sold.

the espresso? we ground those up on site, flash brewed them. and me? i drank my 4 shots a day in the frozen slushie that i think they imported from China. heck if i know. but that stuff kept me going when nothing else would. playing on the oxnard piers, the nights were almost crazier than the days. we would run the pier — the entire length. passing boat after boat, and house after house on the channel.

and one time i danced. in my green dress, with my grandmother’s mother of pearl buttons sewed on by my own inexperienced hand. one time i DANCED. the band owner, he owns a piece i drew. or he did. i imagine dead or in jail by now. they don’t last long, the musicians. of course, around me the bad sort last even shorter.

my name is eileen brinker. and this is not a story about me. it’s not a story about a beach. or people. or dogs or kites. this is a story about Oxnard. the best damn place on earth. you BET TCHA. and she used to have sugar beets. oh yes … now the hills bleed shrinking springs and life looks bleak. so i left.

and came here. oxnard didn’t have onion fields, though that was close. the train went through there, and they packed the onions to ship out on the rigs. so anytime you went through the fields, headed toward five-points …….. you might smell onions. but they never grew them there. or rather, i grew one. at my grandmother’s. on the back porch. pretty plant. it’s not about layers. it’s about stinking long after you’re gone.

the first thing to greet you on any day in oxnard, was the smell of fish. it was like the entire ocean had died, and dumped its aftermath on your doorstep. what can i say? you held your nose on the way to the bus stop in the mornings. and you developed a keen hatred for fish. lol.

we had some times, those foggy mornings. because you see, our bus stop wasn’t yellow. oh no. our bus stops were blue. we road the city bus to school every day. you bet. and the yellow buses, those were for the longer trips. to the missions. the memorials of churches long-gone. up and down the california coast, slowly falling into less and less careful hands. the missions held a history like none other. i saved the best for last. as i stood, in the graveyard — looking over the complex design of keys and ways. i thought, you know what? it isn’t spilt milk. it’s tears that don’t belong in a battle you’re still fighting. that’s what i thought.

now those coffee beans, we sold them whole, by the pound. or you could ask to have them ground. i didn’t much like grinding them – hazzards in the workplace and all. besides, it’s impossible to clean a grinder between each run, so one bean is going to end up tasting like another. the leader of that band, he lived on a boat in the channel. came in every morning round about 7 right after open. would sit with his paper, sipping plain coffee out of a large cappochino mug.

“you want a refill?” i asked, holding the pot carefully in my best Flo pose. he looked up, a little angry.

“go away.”

i wasn’t hurt. or rather, i was but knew you weren’t supposed to be hurt if someone’s busy. preoccupied. so went about cleaning in the back and when i went back out, he was gone. hootie and blowfish was playing on the radio. i still can’t believe i had to let the other workers know that song was about heroin. that no one could see the plays being made. but Sandy? he had real California sound. a rumble. a grit. jazz and rock together in something — something that made it so dancing could BE.

and phillip? oh he could dance. that boy was a blond haired wonder, doing this sort of mimic of a cow-polk jump from foot to foot. he would dance with 4 or more of us girls at a time, and circle the floor as a cow-polk. as the biggest clown you’d ever see. ever see and cry-for. i loved him, knew he was no good. but sometimes you don’t care. living off of whatever he had, surfed on the beaches in the summer, and in the winter he would go up to Big Bear for the snow-boarding.

i swept the black and white tiles of the javashop. chairs on top of the tables, i smiled at the non-hootie songs i brought to the store, instead. guy out of florida, and i can’t remember his name right now. might say it got danced out of me. but Cartman knows who it is, because was his consolation prize at the worst aides benefit ever. that’s south park, for those who don’t know. times and tide. never discount a good bluff.

i counted out the money, put it into a roll, and stashed it in the back refrigerator. they weren’t walk-in. just row after row of steel doors. i’m not sure why she decided to keep the day’s earnings there, but mostly i never questioned a boss on the job. kinda doesn’t go under your own job-description. as i locked the doors, and walked out to my gray 280 ZX … i looked the car over. better late than never. i wanted one in highschool. this was a divorce, a kid, and about 20 jobs later.

and i was back in oxnard. or rather, i hadn’t left yet. hadn’t flown the coop. we got that beach hopping that summer. yes we did. i got in my car and cruised over the channel islands bridge, heading for my small room in a large home owned by a small lady. i let myself in, and quietly walked to the kitchen. took the bottle of kalua off the top of the fridge, and poured myself a drink. slowly padded to my room and shut the door. my room was right at the entrance. it wasn’t much. but honest wages for an honest roof over your head. couldn’t ask for more.

clocks were never round

cause and effect are one-way.
unless they circle back in a

spiral of causality.
a circle

of causality consists
of 2
and only 2 factors

or variables. i hit you, you hit me back so i hit you ….

spiral would be
i hit you

you hit your mom
your mom stays home that day

and my uncle
who owns the butcher shop

sold one less pork chop

which meant
after 10 years
and 100 repetitions

i get a roll of lifesavers
one Christmas

instead of a transistor radio

i’m not sure WHY the causality factors
are put under ‘string theory’ or

seen as a demonstration OF string theory
(an impacted spiral of causality
will make me ANGRY over getting the
lifesavers, and so INCREASE my
frequency (rate) or meter (urgency) when
hitting you
a progressive spiral would be if i start
hitting others

point i wanted to make
is that causality is ONE-WAY

if have “time flies when you’re having fun”
that doesn’t
mean
time flying is what makes fun, fun.

fun is the CAUSE

time-flying is the EFFECT

IF time flies
that doesn’t mean you are expected to be having “fun”
or that you should
or that every single thing that makes
“time-fly” is
enjoyable

it’s not a matter of an exclusion
like those who would quantify a string as
SOMETIMES time-flying makes you have fun
no

it’s DIRECTIONAL principals
time-flying is NOT what makes something fun.

the singular nature
of the event
is what “makes”
that event “fun”

look at how we have love?

i want this moment to last forever
i felt eternity in that one moment

slow perceived as the “greatest” fun

then ………….

everyone slows down
because they ‘want’ more ‘fun’

and tell each other that forgetting moments
is a way to make all moments more ‘fun’

that is a reaction to BAD moments
make them fast
no! make them forgotten moments quick
quick bang bang so less
in head

less moments
less time SEEMS

but less moments
habit

then need huge
HUGE
knock to SEE
to slow and count more add more be more
in more input in more letting input come

come to your head

stand ===================== ing
looking at a

T
R
E
E

how then

to find where

causality SPIRAL
gets SO impacted …………..
that becomes circle?

if and when you know where you are
is where you have been.

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and btw Pot simply makes the no-moments
increase, in that space is registered but not used.

feels like you have “more” room or bigger capacity for awhile
understand
bit more

for those “moments”

and thing IS
they are not ‘lasting’ understandings

so of course write
music when high and wee wee think that lasts
lasts it
but no ………. gone, gone in YOU

so anyway ………… they are not ‘lasting’ understandings
and so
and so just keep just keep
smoking
smoking
smoking
for more
more
more
understanding
understanding
understanding

but then
but then
in young still growing
growth

pops the eyes

the droopers
the ones w/oh well are lost cause
and you don’t see
don’t see them later ever
anywhere

gone
…………..all gone

they
those
(the spicolies of the world)

pop-eyes

and spinach ……… right? oh yea
set ups are set ups are set ups

but no matter
because mad is mad is mad is mad is mad ………

thing am saying,
where was i? oh yes more and more
no-moments in head make crave
more and more no-moments

but all you have to do
for same thing

is put less names in head.

(doesn’t go away)
E.

what much
many teachers DO?

put more names into your head.
ask self
what what what animal instinct
to “eat” young?

schools ………….

and ask self
why
why
why ……….. too many cars have OWN names?

why? car is car
who cares? so can say

another — get this one

is tag

like tag, computing

tag so FIND

but if but if but if NOT tag

buy better and best for YOU

so dat
dat right dere

oh yea ………. is is is is is is

where i saw and go OH!

and then i memorize names
of cars
to see to see to see

and yep
not much nothing no room to overwrite
no
so all space each you add add add
and next thing

no computation

only add
only names

now not me do

no i see
and say OK

look at shock
how they shock brain

one
one man i TRUST
much trust

truth-man who who was orchestra
composer
composed for salt lake city
yes
good man and he
he told me
exact what happen
to him with the shock the shock they did

to his brain
because they say
make him too sad

sad sad sad
so i look at that
too
and think ok

not good but oh well

you not fine with much in knowing
and not fine with much in fixing own
place
own hope

but think and don’t be too stupid
we don’t know
don’t know

but maybe they do
and maybe they do they they or whoever or whatever or
maybe intent
all about intent

but maybe they do
and they they are planning
oh yes! because you can
or maybe you can’t but i heard
i heard and don’t know
not for sure
that electricity can be directed in strong
stream through the air

like if they charge
charge your phone
with a wifi-signal

then that is electricity through air
and i’m saying
am saying maybe some

already do shock to
to
whoever

want ………. whoever
all even

shock head shock shock

thinner skull make more

shock and who knows?
but could
if receive

receptor

so maybe then stop
stop stop

receiving

or not much turn down
like high volume

but point is a thick skull could
come in handy

then.

oh yes but not for pot
not for tokers
that makes then same sort
prob
thing to them

and ok it becomes where i hear you!
i hear your model i keep of your mind
in my head

i hear you say that
that is conspiracy
and into paranoid where thinking all
on stuff COULD do to

you

but this
is more stuff that could already BEEN done

and then ok
look see and wonder
change
better? worse?

me
i find no matter what cell
what cell they put you

no matter what shot
what shot they give you

what matters is who
WHO — what kind
what kind has kindness and then
you go ok

not mad
but be

quick.

so now i go ok
i don’t worry much

but i say ok there are REASONS
i put
i put good and maybe not best
but good argument against
pot legal and all that and
tried to tell

you
is not good thing no not at all
find stats

please use stats ON
how many children GET smoke get tobacco
smokes and smoke them even WHEN no allowed by age?

how many?

THAT is how many you will frack by legalizing pot.

AND other drugs do other things
yes
i map all but no time now
to go into each

all there
if open mind

let work not be stupid
not be all names

no thought

not be all tags
—no make

poured concrete

well — here’s the thing. motivation is an odd duck.

i think when looking at the mechanics of repair, causes and motivation become elimination points. of course, without knowledge regarding entire system-interaction, any elimination of a motivational factor will most likely result in greater disrepair, not repair. i look at how a car skids ……….. throw it into a spin and then move the wheel to work it out. but that process is NOT what fascinates me. what fascinates me is that in the parking lot across from my apartment when i first arrived in salt lake—there were zillions of circular tire tracks in the snow: people skidding on purpose to see if they could maneuver out of a spin.

and that’s a line.

the practicing disaster. that’s a line.

it indicates TOO HIGH of levels of “forewarning”
regardless of other states or effects in a system. those levels too high and whole thing is going to blow. self-fulfilling prophecy is fact. we DO create that which we expect.
so you aren’t looking at “maybe we shouldn’t change this because it might frack something else.” i’m saying it’s fracked if it isn’t changed.

doctrine needs to read that we’re here.
that we’ve arrived
that you ARE in your blasted paradise.

that’s how it has to go or all just keeps blowing out the best
and procreating the worst

hoping a reversal proves that miracles exist………….. (all i HAVE, is a dancing creature entertains a caged creature)

do you know miracles to be only an excuse for the continuance of bad behavior and steeped modes of inequality

those who WISH for those hopes can bite me

chew on their own testicular high

what is wrong, what is right?
how much has been jerked and played? more than i can tell you. much more. afterall, my bedroom as a child, was painted blue — but that wasn’t enough. the beds were blue, the shag carpet was blue. the drapes were blue and you have NO idea how i was not once motivated, not once –to watch a smurf cartoon. tuned out.

motivation. manipulation. the choices. the fact that those who set you up are smarter than you. so how do you pull out, pull free?

each effect compounding on another, growing moves on the board that are predicted
fore-seen

logged and counted-on
so i (growth – the splaying on a river)

see

how many turn to God and decide there must be benevolence
(yet man painted bedrooms blue)
yet never does telling oneself “all is ok” MAKE something ok if you sit
there
and do nothing

that is FACT. in FACT, the world appears to go to inordinate amounts of TROUBLE
to prove that
sit and do nothing and it only gets worse

helpless and considerations of inequality
base facts and then foundations of complex realities are attacked
so i look at that

wait to see the moves
the reactive states

sometimes you let the car spin and you don’t correct it

understand? have to judge the moment. my son and i would be DEAD if i had corrected that spin, at five-points that day.
understand dead?
understand i can quantify and know that?

nobody. nobody knows how shaken up i was on that decision.
nobody knows what it meant.
how my life changed after that.

“do it again!” he chirped. i looked at him and knew i’d grown up.
“no, kiddo. you’re a silly goose!” and i ruffled his hair.
he pulled away and turned very serious. “my NOT silly goose! MY name Jonathan!”

and so it is.
and so it shall be.

each moment.
each taken decision. yours.

God will not be judging. because the “God” of this world decided i should be dead.
those are the moves
the plays
and no “benevolence” is going to develop life-sustaining modes
as factors OUTSIDE of chosen common precept

really bad
destructive and hurtful
a torture of your own being

what tortures is left alone
and the tortured being is put out of its misery

that’s an old code
getting tunneled and chipped

every facet of every playout
every board inside board
states the same

every model confirms the dynamics

to go against that then, means one of two things:
x and y

so i can’t help the going down a road where majorities fall into fracking inward
chipping away at themselves
and considering ways of hope to be dependent on lives of despair

only thing i can do is say LOOK. i know you don’t see eye to eye with me.
i know you don’t trust me.
i know you want to trust sh*t you don’t understand, and you get to understand
what i’m saying so that means you must not be able to trust it.

i get how all that plays
thing i’m telling you
is today i spoke to the air
said “i’m sorry — no wall is big enough to hang this big of a picture”

i can’t run the numbers when stretches out that far
all can do
is point

say ……….. see THAT?
see the “monkey see, monkey do?”

stop doing that.

so you set an example
of one who does not “monkey see monkey do” and
want them to ‘monkey see monkey do’ themselves into not
monkey see monkey do

and kinda doesn’t work

so the GUIDANCE to approach the problem that way
is wrong

which means a judgement that taught courses
in the scope of educating youth and better modes
of living
are incorrect
and most likely purposely designed to frack those
who cleave to them

which am not saying it’s some sort of revelation that people are
out to screw each other

what i AM SAYING, is that the proof is in the outcome itself
no trial necessary
no jury required. only a statute.

do you get how that works?
the time-factor is in sorting through the strings
but it is not a matter of indecision
over consequence of any judgement

for the judgement was made PRIOR to the discovery

you don’t need to be ‘in’ on the manipulative agenda
to determine source, intensity, and degree of depravity within instigating factors
and beings that create such modes of construct and instruction.

i am a pattern-taker. amplitude of fault does not increase judgement
revenge is unworthy by any that hold it dear

weave
unravel
we were taught that too
the stretchy-strings to make a hot pad

all compounding you have to love the minds
i only have some
a very little degree of immunity
i know i was taken aside
proofed
but i keep both feet alive

making a hotpad out of nylon
that melts and burns the moment you touch it
near fire

and what makes ANY of you think i didn’t note that?
then why do i feel that me and all —– everyone
is supposed to just look at sh*t like that
and let it slide? having children making hotpads out of nylon?

laugh? laugh on a different level? the ladies and men
sitting at their bridge tables? i don’t know. most of the time
i think they are as puzzled, if not more puzzled than all the rest.
how are children USED?
if you use them in your psych-wars, what kind of adults do you create?
how is protection synonymous with invention?
and why is strapping a child to a tank wrong?

the answer is each day and each moment you cleave to that moment
and decide life over not-life
that is it
and only can happen if you OWN your day

you OWN who you are

responsibility
the keys of self-judgement

the home you don’t sign over to anyone.
sitting standing running sleeping loving

own it.

so. that’s all i got. motivation is an odd duck.

keep whole damn thing going
and prevent idiots from throwing wrenches
just for the fun of it

i know stupid and playing dumb reaches amazing heights
i also know judgement doesn’t stop
the moment fear guides insipitude into destructive design

now i’m gonna finish my coffee
and hope positive outlooks can find something to do today that doesn’t involve setting an example.

never forget a set up is a set up. but i run under my own steam. ask anyone.
always have.