dancing boots that hit the town

i don’t think a wrong turn is a wrong turn.

if something doesn’t work out,
the choice to go there is neither wrong or right.

it might have been wrong for you,
or wrong for the time.

you try on shoes
before find the right ones to fit–

choices are like that.

have you ever dug in storage and found
a very old pair of shoes or boots?

they were crusty and old and cracking,
i tried to put my foot into them.

after all, at one time these were my favorites…
the memories!

and i couldn’t even squeeze them on.
the leather was too old and stiff

, my arch was too high,
the buckle was rusted…
there was no way i was going to be able
to step into these boots again.

a sadness rolled over me, a contemplation on
how time was something no impossibility could recapture,

and choices from the past might have worked
for that era–that place

–but now they simply don’t fit.

i find there is no sense arguing with a shoe that doesn’t fit.

those old boots i pulled out of storage,
were not a wrong direction–

but i had to admit that i can’t wear them now.

they served their purpose. they had their time.
and in the same way, my choices have served their purpose;
even bad directions might come to a good end.
and i think that is what faith is about…

we all know what a bad decision is like
–how to warn others.

but sometimes the greatest love
is letting someone make their own mistakes.

that too, is a choice,
but it’s also a forgiveness

; a way of looking back… to
let time have its tale and clomp around in the dancing boots,
nothing better than a smile; even
a wistful one.

choice a thing we don’t appreciate when it
is alive–rocking on the balls of your feet,
the tantalizing notes
of the unknown.

i was not perfect, but i was perfectly amazed,

kicking up the dust on
this particular stretch of eternity
only i occupy, and
that one soul occupies with aplomb…

choice is every strength of wisdom,
set free.


don’t push me over that ledge i know how to jump!

i almost can’t stand the degree of sweating
and for everyone’s information, this is drug withdrawal
that’s what it is
i don’t care about what other names you give it…

i’ve been through drug withdrawal before, and this
is drug withdrawal

which puts things in a whole new perspective
they call them hormones, but what it really is
is a little drug maker in your own body
and this mini-drug maker either puts
the drug it produces right into the bloodstream
or through a duct — just like some drugs have
to be injected to work

and so this drug that the body
basically poisons itself with — starts going
when a kid reaches a certain age
and this drug effects all kinds of things
including mood and temperament …probably
contributes to all the warm fuzzy feelings
when you contemplate buying a new purse

then 40 some odd years later
the body goes gee, we don’t need this
anymore … and you get to go through withdrawal
because that’s what this is
sweating buckets

humans give things different names and that
is supposed to somehow make things different
but this is a drug withdrawal
estrogen is like meth or heroin or coke
it goes away and you are left strung out,
debating whether you should get some more
of the estrogen drug from your doctor…

and i wonder what life will be like
once off the crutch of the estrogen drug
there should be some kind of antidote
what really bites is to have been a good citizen
all these years of not even smoking pot
and here i am having to go through a drug withdrawal

i swear i was left so unprepared for the world
just thrown at it
and told “good luck!”

at least taught myself how to tie my own shoes
and how to change oil in a car
i crossed my t’s and dotted my i’s
soon as i figured out how to use a pen

no worries
this too shall pass
she told me that much

wish the world was a lot more simple
on simple days with simple perspectives
but at least i’m not bored


the draw of better circumstances

my grandmother always thought that winning a large sum of money was the answer

but the answer to what?

two facets to that — power, that money could bring

or goods and services that money could buy

and since i am my mother’s daughter

why don’t i have this same outlook or hope or reasoning?

well, a different time with different messages, is one

songs, and movies, and media that all put forth the idea that money cannot buy happiness

so there is that — and one can assume that before such ideas took root

the general consensus was that money was necessary for happiness and that more money simply meant more happiness

there is also the factor that with a “middle class” — there is a greater social mixing of rich and poor

and this gives the poor a chance to observe just how “happy” the rich appear to BE

ok …. but if you have a thinking, reasoning person that just wants to win the ‘big one’

(which in my mind is the bone thrown to the masses to keep them wishing and also to keep them in a sort of reverence for those with more money)

when the fact of the matter IS

that you have to first learn TO MAKE DO

to live with what you have and be thankful for that

because of course — don’t believe i have to state this outloud — the path to happiness is thankfulness and gratitude, not money

i have lived with an ingratitude within myself. and those were the hard times of my life. not now. those were the times when i had more money to spend and more things, even a purchased home.

but what was constantly on my mind? how to get a bigger home. how to get a better home in a better neighborhood.

how to RAiSE myself in status, because in my mind, the reason all those people in the lutheran church did not respect me, was because i had no wealth

in my mind — the reason the wealthier kids did not want to come to MY house to play, was because my house was poor with exposed plumbing under the sinks and no wall to wall carpeting.

the misery was so extreme, that i attempted suicide a few times. i generally don’t admit to that, but there you go.

now grandmother’s reasoning behind entering the publishing clearing house sweepstakes and others of that kind, was she would say “well it will do me just as much good as anyone else.”

which is interesting, now that i think of it.

and i would of course calculate the odds and write it off as a fool’s dream

or an unnecessary dream that only stands in the way of appreciating what you already have, and therefore realizing the true happiness of gratitude and thankfulness.

so i don’t think about the possibility. though i’m sure if i wished on it hard enough, it would land in my lap.

and i’m actually more frightened of that possibility, than the work to make do with what you have.

even if i enter into a contest, like gambling in las vegas — i have to have in my mind that all that i deserve is to lose every penny. and therefore, i do. but also it gives me a chance to investigate if winning anything is possible without the WISH to win.

so there was that. i played with the notions. it did seem fairly consistent, that the more i needed to win anything, because i couldn’t afford to be gambling the money i gambled — then the more i ended up losing it. and the more i entered into any gambling event with the sense of “who cares?” then the greater chance there was of winning. and i don’t know how to apply any explanation for that.

though there is the fact that when gambling “to win” — then no amount of “small” win is enough. in fact, i could say that no amount of any win, is enough. all the money in the world could not slake that thirst, because there is something else beyond the money that is hoped-for. ???

and when not caring about a win or lose situation, then even a small win at a slot machine can be a memorable fun surprise — rather than a disappointment. it is the gratitude that makes that event “happy.”

so…….. not sure where i’m going with this. mainly, i don’t think a grand amount of money is the answer to any prayer of mine. because i know i can calculate how much to save and when i would arrive at that mount and “have” it, regardless of any “grace” placed upon me to be granted a large sum of money.

i know i could work again … enter back into the rat race and earn more and buy a house and go the whole distance.

but i dropped out of it in the first place for a reason

i was not happy

and when not happy threatens existence, to where you won’t have to worry any more about money because you’ll be dead …. well, it turns all your priorities on end.

you get placed in a box away from sunshine — and you realize that you now appreciate the sunshine MORE. you have your freedom removed — and you realize each day you wake up where life is about YOUR choice, then that is a good day.

and i don’t wish for great amounts of money. at one point, when i came to salt lake and became “aware” of just how much family land and legacy existed. and for a few days i entertained the thought that i was a very wealthy woman, and just didn’t know it.

i remember walking in the avenues of salt lake city … thinking. and thinking. and realizing there was nothing that i needed money FOR. what would i do with it? buy a house? but then i would hunger for a bigger house. have servants? but then how would i ever learn the most efficient ways of running a household? it just all fell down … one thing after another that i imagined.

even with a strong likelihood that i had ‘all’ the money in the world … nothing surfaced that gave me any joy or any reason to believe that it would make life any better than it was right at that very moment.

when i was walking in the avenues on a nice spring day — and exploring streets i’ve never seen before. for years after that, i would have dreams of the strange appearance of stairs in a sidewalk or the twisted turnings of one path leading to another.

it was a spot where i took that question of wealth, and buried it. same as i took the question of love, and buried it in the sand of oxnard shores.

i think that life has its bare minimum. like if i broke my coffee mug, then i would seek to replace it as soon as possible. or if i lost my living space, i of course would look to secure something again as soon as possible.

but beyond that — i think that gratifying the hunger for money, only increases the hunger for money. there really is no way around that. one can set higher standards for the “bare minimum” required to live — but that’s about it.

and being the practical person i am, i gravitated to whatever i decided took less upkeep. i’m not even sure about those choices, but thing is i have a hard enough time as it is. i have absolutely no idea how i would have continued onward with a marriage and a full house to keep up and maintain. i don’t see any way that would have not ground me into the ground until i was screaming for release.

so life is not too complicated for me. i own my own time, and spend it where i think it will do the most good. physically i’m pretty bad off, and a lot of that is due to medications i take to make OTHERS feel better about my “mental illness.” i’m not quite sure how to get around that. i understand that i am barely tolerable, even with the medications.

i have to move slower to be seen. that’s what they do. but it leaves me with all this musculature that is not used how it should be used. and over the years i have not been able to find one sport that worked everything to its best. would only create imbalances. though swimming came close. swimming was actually a good answer. but the threat of infection from bacteria in common pools had to rule that out for me.

i am like a sponge .. the buggies love me. so i take medication to slow it all down, and hope that simply going on walks is enough to keep my motor running.

i could think that i need to buy a house with my own pool. i’ve thought about that. i did the math on how much saving it would take. concluded that it was not worth the deprivation.

so here i am … in the best of all possible worlds.

if i decided i needed to win a large sum of money to make it better than best, then i’m not sure what that could even be, see?

i need to save money to move to arizona — mainly because the senior centers have pools for water aerobics, and i might get a chance to keep my body going a bit longer than it otherwise would. swimming pools in that kind of climate have much less chance for bacteria growth.

with standing water here, you get a result like the salt lake. even the river and streams have a “marshy” hue to them. oh well….

money isn’t really going to fix any of that. and i need to save money for a move to arizona. but it’s the “saving” part that i need most. the willingness to save for a goal, that’s one thing i’ve kind of avoided.

and it’s a skill or willingness to put off gratification for an aim of some kind. only excuse if have, is that i learned very early that you could walk out your door one day and be dead. so long-term planning was really not something i ever worked to perfect.

and lots of money dumped in my lap never seemed like the right way to go. grandmother always wanted to win those sweepstakes. but she never did. i think she just pretended wanting to win –to throw me harder in the other direction. the woman was a genius at reverse psychology.

contract denizen

give and take holds wit prisoner
how it all runs together

movement is the only answer to pain
the silent prayer is often the deepest

to open eyes is the strongest principal
no one mind connects ubiquitously

carving paths, the singular melds to one
living for today as if it is all days

and so the better way to worry is to know you are free
how far does the last drop of time fall?


no amount of wandering

water and wind
ripples chase to the shore

lakes of memory
brimming with tears

perplexed and somewhat

i stood
for everything that had to end

you believed
in everything that demanded permanence

we shuffled no answer
better than the moment

and the moment breathed
for the sake of mountains, stretched

for the reality
that could not float to the surface

when better ways are fought
and lost before they are won again