quantum infinity to the absolute power of erratic thought

re: new concepts in quantum realities.

the thing about every concept, is the same one that plagues calibration. if you have three dials to calibrate audio, at least one has to remain at zero. with no solidified dial, any work to calibrate is only going to be successful by sheer luck. which is fine, if the intent is to spend your time playing with dials. but if your intent is to have a superior audio, then the important part of calibration is what you keep the same. i see theories that venture into areas of non-matter as playing with the dials.

now it’s always possible, that the dial you selected to remain steady, is the one that creates the most differences. so the only way you are going to know that, is if at some point you move that dial. confront other realities. i’m a structural engineer at heart. and an efficiency expert fan. lately i’m trying out the ideology for eliminating the concept of empty space. while science has accepted this for quite some time, that unless you are living in a vacuum, your air is not empty. the reality for most people is that an empty room is empty. that the sky is a wide, open space. that they are not IN something, but that they are ON something. so before science rushes off to disprove the nature of matter itself, they might want to make sure everyone has a working knowledge of it, first. because their other dials aren’t calibrated. so moving that one, will throw it into feedback screeching as surely as…. the sun rises and sets?


from schizophrenia to not giving a dam for minds stuck too long in floods of rising indifference

have known many schizophrenics, was even engaged to one. he believed his garden gnomes came alive at night. would see demons….generally the mentally ill you see walking the street and talking to themselves, are schizophrenic. I’ve seen treated schizophrenics that manage ok, but a lot of the medications cause them to move their legs or jiggle uncontrollably. and drool, and leave their mouth open. I heard at some point that they can tell by the structure of the middle of the brain? it’s like there is a bigger gap? very sad thing to deal with. many homeless people are schizophrenic. it really devastates families, most of the patients at state hospitals in long term care, are schizophrenic.

psychotic episodes are not exclusive to schizophrenia. manic depressives and bipolars can also have psychotic breaks. often, medication is tailored for both leveling and any symptoms of psychosis. there is also borderline personality disorder. knew friends diagnosed with that. bipolar is type 1 and 2. I think they have a 3 now. the mental health here used to give a class on all of it. and sort of the practical version, not like taking psychology classes in college. Scientology does some interesting youtube videos on mental illness….lol. for the most part, I’ve seen a LOT of over medication. had friends that were taking upwards of twenty pills a day. I am not exaggerating. the consensus is that therapy and medication are better than just medication. and that therapy can have more far-reaching effects. but for schizophrenia, I think it is brain damage of some kind, and mostly all they can do is try to limit the hallucinations through medication.

there is basically no such thing as degrees of schizophrenia, you are or you aren’t. the biggest symptom is hearing voices, but unlike what many believe, hearing voices means outside of your own body, like someone invisible is in the room speaking. it is not hearing your own voice in your head speaking. that is normal, and I think they call that self-talk.

I’ve had racing thoughts before, and it’s very distressful. but is not like something where you wonder if you are having racing thoughts. you know you have racing thoughts. when I think about it, I have not had any since I gave up drinking alcohol 7 years ago. but basically, you can’t shut your mind off and don’t have the power to stop your own self-talk inside. I think I also was able through therapy, to realize the impact of fears. because racing thoughts are like your mind is babbling uncontrollably in fear.

but anyway….I have seen and known schizophrenics–and it is a particular type of mental illness that is considered sever enough to sometimes require extensive hospitalization. life gets crazy, and stressful for so many people. many times it is simply taking care of oneself, to get adequate sleep and eat right. every time I ever had severe trouble, I was not eating or sleeping for days…weeks. and then psychosis has to do with not enough dopamine in the brain.

I also believe fear plays key roles to mental instability, and have found while living alone, then any physical problem can quickly turn into mental out of an instinct to live…to find a way above that point of no return where too ill to take care of yourself.

anyway….I’ve studied quite a lot in the area of psychology and mental illness. I do think half the battle is tending to physical needs, such as rest and food. sometimes there are triggers, and if I develop problems, I go over any new products such as lotion or shampoo, different scents. have always been sensitive and allergic. it can be difficult, but I find it is much easier to maintain balance when not in a relationship, where they will try to make you feel you are always having problems. and then act like a go between with doctors, where I would feel like some kind of robot that was not performing well enough for them….that is very hard to deal with.

standing out from the crowd, always being considered different and “strange” — is, in itself, one of the largest hurdles of ‘mental illness.’ and that is why i fight and often pose decent arguments as to how it really comes down to diagnosing people that are not liked or do not fit in, as having a defect or mysterious illness. the stigma, which is actually discrimination for those who are different or seem odd and not conformed enough to societal ideals — that discrimination is part of the problem in the first place. security, and having acceptance in a family or society, can be a large part of problems that lead to mental illness.

when people keep in their minds, that I am mentally ill, they treat me how they feel you should treat the mentally ill. and I will drop out of those friendships. you pack your bags and move. find a new job, a new city where you can be treated like a normal person. luckily for me, enough people are now getting medication and diagnosed, that it’s not like it was. for the most part, I can be upfront and not get discrimination. eh….life has not been easy. but I have been in the position to help a lot of people in mental health centers. I try to think of that as God using me where I could do the most good. but some days I wish I had been given a “normal” life.

and it is tempting, to think — at least i’m not THAT! i’m not one of those schizophrenics! and that is just another ladder on the pecking order of my life is more normal than your life. my mind is better than your mind. my life is better than yours! oh yes, and it makes me ashamed when i think that way. for the most part, i think there are not enough answers, considering the level of diagnostics available for everything else. aside from that, i think it is important to see people as people. to look at another, and observe their soul. not some preconceived notion of that person set apart — the crazy that means you are “normal.” the normans were bastard invaders. we shouldn’t have been trying to emulate them in the first place. lol … but as far as conforming goes — i don’t have answers. except that it helps to pay attention to the little social things that make people comfortable. it helps to see others as thoughtful beings. if you expect the worst, you are going to get the worst.

i have been through a lot. seen so many in different states of mental breakdown. but it is the same as when i worked as a nurse — the patients knew i SAW them, the person that was every bit as important as any. you see the soul, you love who they are. i don’t know how to explain it. but i know that it can pull someone back from that ledge of alone-ness. when they see that you see them. i have been through so much and determined so many things. it does come down, to taking care of yourself in a forthright way. putting your needs first, in many cases. but also, trying to have an honesty with yourself regarding how you are doing, and how your life is going or not going.

it’s not easy, and not for anyone. i don’t reserve tough lives only for the mentally ill. i sometimes think that the mentally ill have a step up on things, because they have taken time to learn and develop higher coping skills.

what is different about me, is i remember my years of not being mentally ill. i remember having “a life” and how i was so busy, probably couldn’t even tell you who the president was. i worked and made money and never questioned … i never questioned. so now i do. can’t say if that’s good or bad, but it has lead me to a place where i look at things very differently than others. i don’t assume the “correctness” of any conformity or socially accepted mannerisms and norms. actually judge on an entirely different level.

i don’t know if that is good or bad. sometimes, i wish is was back into a busy life, with no time to look at things and wonder. eh …… come see, come saw. 🙂 i have fought long and hard for understanding, through my writings. to make others see that there is not that big a difference, and that sometimes it’s like mental illness doesn’t exist at all. got any idea how hard that piece of knowledge hit me? when i ran over the lines from the wizard of oz — and just took on the entire reality that ALL of medicine is made-up names? that it all is basically a very large con, going on for years. and that the only proof of any good of medicine, is if they heal.

and i’ve had to heal myself. not that i have given others much chance at it for decades, now. but it’s all pretty much one of those doors you open, that you can’t just shut again. i can’t pretend i don’t know that. i can’t pretend that i don’t know, that the reason they are always “discovering” new illnesses, is because those 3 illnesses used to be one illness. and they looked a little deeper, and found more. and tomorrow, they will look a little deeper, and find more. and the tomorrows after that, they will look deeper and find more — until the one illness, that was cured with a spoonful of sugar — now takes 60 different medications for 40 different made-up names. and it never gets cured.

and that’s the cynic in me — but yea. that’s basically how it works. so the diagnosing of mental illness, is basically a form of dealing with people that are having freak-outs. and the thing with schizophrenics, or those showing that degree of freak-out — is that it is at a stage kind of past the point of no return. i’ve gone out — and back in. crazy and freak-out time — and then back to where i’m reasonable. or fairly so. i still like to unsettle others, sometimes. just because it’s interesting and makes for a difference. i try not to manipulate, and i try to be honest and forthright. i guess the thing many people never see in me, is how much i care.

that’s kind of strange, but that is the thing. that’s it in a nutshell. people don’t want someone that is strong and who cares — they want someone who is weak that they can take care of. someone that is dependent, and makes them necessary. hmmmmmmm ………. so why don’t the mentally ill ever get any sympathy? they mostly get scorn, and lots of it.

i wonder about that a lot. but has something to do with what i was talking about earlier, sets and subsets. and trying to place others in a subset away from yourself, so that you can be the “anti” of whatever it is. and so, for the most part — those who crave and yearn to call people like me crazy? they are the ones doubting their own sanity the most. and so i try to have sympathy with them. i never feared my own insanity. and that’s the difference. it doesn’t scare me, only what people will do to me scares me. but i don’t fear GOING insane. i mostly think of it all as biological, and consisting of finite parameters.

and i’ve seen miracles. i’ve prayed, and asked for rest, and rest came. i had a mother of many children, and illegal mexican immigrant on a farm — pray with me, and put a blanket over me and it was like all the anxiety evaporated and i was able to rest. so there are miracles, and there is a God, even if it is only in your own head. that’s what i believe. matter itself, is an ever-folding and moving solution … a mixture of life and death and expression.

eventually, we all get old. and most who get very old, eventually lose some part of their mind. they live in memories, or find other ways to cope. and i don’t see that as an illness, i see that as inevitable. what surprises me, sometimes — is when i think how my life is shortened. has been, from the damage of being used as a guinea pig one too many times for the next great revelation in pills. and i sort of cry quietly to myself. like i lost something, and i don’t know what. and i’m more afraid of those tears. there is something about self-pity that is unnerving. but also, it’s a different kind of crying than i’ve ever had for others that died.

a very childish thing. to sit and feel sorry for myself. but i don’t think it’s wrong, just a little out of whack. better to worry about what you can do with the time you have.

the mind … is a tricky thing. i like how it is explained in this book i have — that we have a mind, a spirit, a soul, and a body. four things that make up what humans “are.” the book is over a century old. so what have we learned? treat the mind, by drugging the body and ignoring the soul, while crushing the spirit.

i’m just not sure that’s the best method to success, is all. and i don’t know that schizophrenics are that much different. sometimes a spirit needs to be free. sometimes the ties that bind the four together are too strong or too weak. i have pictured myself going completely over the edge and staying there. pushing around a shopping cart, and yelling at strangers. the difference, is i know the mind part and the avenues where that becomes reality. i know exactly what to fear.

shutting down, is easy now. it’s caring about anything that’s hard.

how the difference between thee and me centers on the absolute of letting go to the largest subset of useless humans

it’s interesting. i do think that looking at the mannerisms of gaslighting, manipulations, etc. — can be a valuable tool for hindsight. but looking for all the toxic traits in another, because you are unhappy with them — can be very problematic and ultimately feed paranoia.

while there are many individuals that plot and scheme, a large many are just trying to figure things out, same as you. and in figuring things out, perhaps copying some attitudes or reactions they’ve seen in a favorite movie, for instance — and then you are translating that as deliberate aggression and manipulation, a plotting and undermining where little or none may exist. the problem is then in the person who sees themselves as a victim, becomes more afraid and hyper-aware of possible manipulations. analogy to that would be a jumpy cat. and if others are in fact, manipulating — the mapping of every point only places you in a greater state of predictive behavior: you are predictively fearful.

so i find it becomes this round-robin of accusations, and truth is, nobody is perfect. there IS such a thing as lack of empathy, or those who are more self-centered. but a doctor performing surgery, cannot allow themselves to mentally “hurt” for the patient, so is that a wrong thing? and so the problem exists, when attempting to apply absolutes to human feelings and behavior. there are so many exceptions to the rules, that there needs to be a question made, of whether rules are appropriate.

the thing i am noting, is that every few years we have a new demonized mental “type” — that is then described in detail according to someone’s standard of people they hate.

and i have said this before — “mental illness” is just a very complicated way of saying you don’t like somebody. and i would propose, that the “actual” problem, lies in the inability to simply say, “i don’t like you.” or “i don’t like them.” and not feel the NEED TO JUSTIFY THE REASONING FOR DISLIKE.

but aside from that, i feel that labeling others and considering this or that action part of the narcissist umbrella, and therefore you are justified in disliking them and their actions — not only does that feed fear and paranoia, it feeds isolation. “all are queer but thee and me, and even thee is a little queer at times.” and that then feeds the wish to see oneself as ‘perfect’ and the committed ideal. it is a very real symptom of the isolationist approach to life. believe me, i’ve studied that extensively.

and fact is — you feel much better inside, when can just say that people are pretty much all good, and all are trying. the sweeping generalizations — and the generalization that manipulators are evil — well, i don’t know how i’m supposed to look at that. when every poet, IS a manipulator. that is the point………

i know i can fit under that toxic description (from an article on 20 ways to identify a narcissist). the popularity of claiming someone is a narcissist, has me a little ticked off that i need to learn how to spell that, now. ugh! but i don’t really mind that the herd has moved away from yelling at someone they’re bipolar, to screaming at someone that they are a narcissist. but at some point, would be really nice if folk would practice saying “i don’t like you.” and remember that they have that choice. you HAVE the choice to not like someone, with NO justification. ok? alright? that does not need justification. or classification.

fact is, i have felt better when deciding most people are good and just trying. it is a relief to tear down that wall, and kind of let the demonization of others go. you are always going to be able to find something. this is fact. always always always.

i have investigated the isolationist tendency to demonize others and mark certain actions as inherent. it comes down to classification and generalization. is actually a function of sociology, and we could probably blame national geographic magazine for this whole trend. but i’ve felt better, when i classify all as part of a changing, volatile solution. in other words, you find somewhere inside yourself, to create a largest common denominator for every single person. and then label it “not perfect, humans, the ones i love.”

setting a subset APART from yourself can feel good for awhile. it can even seem to reinforce your own “good” behaviors. or your “good” state of being — white, black, brown skin; or formally educated; or tall or short; or female or male. once you create a subset APART — then there is no longer ANY lowest common denominator set.

that’s the thing. and the other thing …….. is that humans will often and predominately react in the way that is expected. if you believe someone is crazy, then your actions TOWARD them, will engender the reactions FROM them, that reinforce your belief that they are crazy. and then at that point, everyone needs to be asking, “who is manipulating who?”

emotional abuse is a real thing, but the important thing to look at is the ways you yourself fell into that — not the signs of toxic people or abusers. because you will be labeling all day, afraid of your own shadow. and the only one you ultimately can change, is yourself. you can banish the narcissist, determining some “types” are toxic. but by the 10th or so description of the “bad people” — i’m going, come on, now! give me a break. it’s too much. and the problem in BEGINNING that, is the process just grows and grows to include more and more infractions. like the ten commandments on steroids. and i don’t know how to support something like that, without going , well … that’s crazy too.

the thing about the wide world, and beauty, and surprises. it happens when fear does not take over to make exact things–expected things–happen. and part of that is putting up with “toxic” people … or if you decide you don’t like someone, just don’t like them. you don’t need a reason. are allowed to like some and not like others. if it’s an individual, rather than a group … then think how many you’ve saved from unfair classification.

and it comes down to that. even the classification of organisms in biology. i’m not sure anybody addressed the philosophical impact before they started doing that. anyway … no, there are not “toxic” people. only bad ways of interacting with each other. at some level, there is monkey see, monkey do. and at another level, thought is given to the doing. sometimes it’s a process.

look how many bipolar people appeared, once you started looking for them! lol … gotta love how this is all about math. teaching sets and subsets. and the one goal, of classifying OURSELVES AS WORTHY …………lol, well — when it comes to saints and sinners, i have always made clear that i would gladly party with any sinners … and never worship saints. life is too short. and much too short to take all the “signs of narcissism ” seriously. i do hope this fad goes away before i have to learn how to spell that word indefinitely.

beyond that, i’m not sure how to address my own proclivities to classify and determine nature. or earth, of people, of things. part of the problem, is my own tendency to rely on generalizations. and i don’t know what to do about that. i think it has something to do with degree of brain activity, but on the other hand it might be something fueled more by instinct and needs for survival. hard to say.

the thing about “hating” on something or some group of somethings — is that the closer you are as a subset TO that group of the somethings — the MORE you will hate that subset, to set it apart from yourself.

i guess that comes under quitting smoking 101. the person that is the ex-smoker will be miles more of a pain in their idealism to look at smokers as evil.

i think if we took sociology, and psychology — and mapped them in sets and subsets as functions in math, maybe some sense could be made of it. or some solutions. because listing more things wrong with people we don’t like, is going nowhere.

for the round of potatoes in american do-si-does errupted

it’s not often i get to make a nice, beef stew. often the price of beef ranges higher, but it’s also because much easier to throw what is left of a chicken into a stewpot.

so i found some good beef on sale, and chopped it up — added vegetables that were getting a little old. you just clip out the bad parts. and it is bubbling on the stove nicely, on this sort of gloomy day. funny how the sun is wonderful, and invigorating. but the rain is necessary for any and all of the beauty.

so can’t regret clouds. just make a nice batch of stew, and settle in for a comfortable day of reading.

i get a little overwhelmed with the issues. but i kind of think it’s like using the vegetables you need — cut out the bad parts. put things together, even experiment with ingredients. did you know that peanut butter works nicely in pork stew? a dash of this, a shake of that.

the final moment is when you raise that spoon to your mouth, close your eyes and sip. think what it might need or what it doesn’t need, or if it is perfect.

you can get too fussy, and ruin a perfectly fine stew by adding too many flavors. there is a balance to all artistry, i think. that point where colors will jumble and blend, to become mud brown. i do like the peaceful sound of something cooking on the stove, the smell of the house — onions and so forth. i breathe a little deeper.

it’s gloomy out. the rain will begin, soon. patters, and then pools. i type my thing, my reasoning that looks a little worn, at this point. needs a little fresh rain itself i should think.

but i look out the window at the day, and it’s good. wouldn’t change a thing.

when there is nothing to do but fume then the smoke gets in your eyes

so the day dawned with no hurt, one of the things possible when waking doesn’t involve bangs from above like having taps played in your ear. so a positive, for a change. i ordered a compression sleeve for my arm, that has been hurting all week.

angel kitty forgot she received breakfast again this morning, and i gave in and gave her a second breakfast. after which she retired happily to her cat bed. i swear that sweet kitty is half hobbit.

i am not looking forward to easter at all, and part of me wants to bow out of every single thing until my dentures are completed. i suppose it’s the worry and the stress. but also, a certain amount of frustration and anger. not over the teeth, though it’s a little upsetting that legislatures in utah decided people don’t really need dentists at all. even though, that by the time they were cutting it completely, the quality was down to salvik imports that had an interesting take on what to do with the poor and needy in a dentist chair. but my upset over all that has been around for awhile, it’s nothing new.

no, i’m not sure what has me looking at things in a greyer light. facebook is a pain, since they took their beta build and made it standard. what kind of bright idea makes a mobile platform incapable of a pinch zoom? that gets to me, when the zoom is what you need on mobile, specifically. so have to run the desktop site on mobile, to make it more viewable. and by that point, i begin to wonder about the insanity of the world…

my limited comprehensions just fail to grasp what inspires people go for design principals that make function moot. it’s like there needs to be a philosophy course added to programming instruction ……. or something. the mistakes i observe kind of pile up, as i note changes in direction. and they’re piled pretty high, for the moment.

there is the missing pinwheel, that i assume is from the wind yesterday. i won it at a church bingo few years ago. and it’s really nothing, but gives me a sort of hollow feeling — like its disappearance is some kind of omen.

my left arm has not hurt for almost two years, and having that back is disgruntling. part of me wants to google appendage numbness in relation to nerve degeneration (neuropathy) –and part of me feels too exhausted to bother. what difference will it make? the fallacy of putting a name to things, and having that somehow make it better. that gets to me, too. would be much better if medicine focused on healing, rather than explaining away symptoms. the tricks of the trade on that are a little bit much. i don’t know what percentage of the populous sees through the plethora of scams, but i’m pretty sure it’s a higher percentage than they are betting on.

so once again, i wonder on proclivities to make design take precedence over function. where or when does it stop?

nothing gets done by grousing over it, anyway. is better not to be a complainer. i sure look at that these days, try to compute how much outrage one body can stand. hold. uphold? it seems like a lost battle before it begins. but i’m not sure how to exchange my degrees of hope, for passivity and peace. when an instructor once many years ago, counseled on not burying the head in the sandbox — he never mentioned there would come a time when that would look inviting.

onward an upward? the pinwheel is missing — guess the thing to do is order an even bigger one from amazon. and omens be damned.