Dummy mouths the screams of pain

How now brown cow

Jack be nimble Jack be quick

Jack said it was a candle stick

Jill agreed

Jack gaslighted and said no

The candlestick is a bird

The silliest story you’ve ever heard

And Jill left puzzled

Went her way

Perhaps Jack would fly candles

Like a bird some day

For the world is fair

And horizons are vast

And Jack can take that candlestick

And shove it up his….

Mary mary quite contrary

How does your garden grow?

In a world of pain

With fear open wide

Bathed in the gaslight’s glow

Little Jack Horner

Sat in his corner

Watching the world go by

Feelings went numb

Drained on a plumb

Said what a good gaslighter am I!

99 bottles of beer on a wall

99 bottles of beer!

Take one down

Pass it around

200 bottles of beer on the wall

Because the gaslighter

Says so

Itsy bitsy spider went up the water spout

Baa baa black sheep drank the spider out

Have you any wool?

Yes sir yes SIR

12 spiders full

And some day there’s some

Who never see the light

Who only hate a friend

And hurt a friend this night

Some day the sum of matters

Will dawn in every mind

Then numbers will sigh a large sigh

For calculations that worked to be kind…

Little miss muffet

Swore on her tuffet

Tired of blurbs and ways

Along came a sheep

Who coughed out a spider

And frightened miss muffet

To never trust sheep

And she scared all the spiders away

Who’s afraid of the big bad wolf?

The gaslighter spins

And the huff and puff

Only blows themselves in

Little boy blue will blow the horn…

But for me

I will diminish and remain galadrial

Oh my bonnie lies over the ocean

The silence lies over the seas

But round and round the gaslighter bush

Only anger comes back to me…

Have you ever seen

A sky so blue?

Yes sir

YES SIR!

12 spiders full

What happens when you break a sense of humor?

It babbles nursery rhymes

And laughs and laughs

What happens when you call yourself perfect?

You gaslight others to keep it that way

What day did the Lord rest on?

The first one because the rest came after

Do you know how many gaslighters it takes to screw in a light bulb?

Two

One to say a lightbulb is unnecessary

And another to hide it in the light socket

A gaslighter, a duck, and a priest walk into a bar

The gaslighter says “don’t give me that!”

The priest and the duck had said nothing

The gaslighter says “you never understand me!” The priest says a hail Mary, the duck quacks, and the gaslighter steps through the mirror behind the bar and vanishes.

The priest pours beer over the duck

Which of course rolls off its back

And the priest eats the beer mug

Crunching the glass

And staring blankly at the mirror.

He finally asks, “who do you suppose that guy was talking to?”

“Beats me,” says the duck…”he seemed a bit put out”

“He did, didn’t he?” Says the priest

Blood dribbling down his chin.

“Wait a second, you talked!”

He turned to the duck, and the duck

raised his wings in the air and shrugged…..

“That guy finally found who he was arguing with. Are you going to stop chewing glass?”

The priest looks down at his broken glass….”are you going to fly into that mirror?”

“Hell no!”

“Exactly.”

And he chews the glass and swallows, pets the duck with his other hand

And then picks it up and throws it at the mirror

The duck flaps and feathers are everywhere and it finally gets itself sat back down again next to the priest. “What did you do that for????!!!” Screams the duck. The priest said, “I had to see if the mirror is real.”

The duck says, “oh” and he turned and squinted at the mirror. “Well….is it?” The priest said, “no.”

And he stood up and walked through the mirror and disappeared.

The duck sat for a minute, and then grinned. And I’ll tell you, if you’ve never seen a duck grin, it’s a very frightening sight. And he started humming, the song sort of drifted through the bar. Very haunting, it was. “Look on the bright side of life…” And the duck vanished in the twinkling of an eye.

A gaslighter, a priest, and a duck never walked out of the bar. But somewhere in that other world, the duck talks, the priest dies painfully, and the gaslighter sits on a stump listening to the duck talk, with no glass to chew, and he yelled, “I’m sorry you feel that way!”

The duck blinked back to the bar, got a beer, and blinked back to the gaslighter, handing him the beer. The gaslighter poured the beer on the duck, which of course it just ran off like water off a duck. And the gaslighter started chewing the glass.

The duck cocked his head and looked at him. Then smiled. And I’ll tell you, that’s one frightening smile. And the duck flew away. The gaslighter yelled after him, “What do you know about any of it???!!!”

The duck is soaring through the sky as the morning sun begins to rise, painting the world shades of red and pink.

The duck hums… And never ever talks again.

Please look on the bright side of life

Don’t be a duck

Don’t be a priest

Don’t be a gaslighter

Be a sunrise.

And if someone invites you to go to a bar, ask them if it has a mirror.

Advertisements

Saved Comment

wanted to save a comment i wrote in a thread this week regarding conspiracy theories:

the majority of americans don’t use guns to defend themselves, they use them to kill themselves. and i’m ok with that. seems better than a formal institution of euthenasia. this is america — i don’t believe we should have no guns. too many open spaces that are unpopulated with no police nearby. this isn’t the UK. we have a lot of land. so the price paid is all the suicides, and things like the mass shootings that are so senseless. what you do when that happens, is go “thank god i wasn’t in vegas that day.” to say that you “see” so greatly, and that it did not really happen, or is a conspiracy … that’s fine. but you need to see how you are being played. and also need to let it all go. stop watching the news and find something good in your community that you can accomplish. do something to help others. be a reality.
the instant communication and copious amounts of news does not suit those who cannot disengage their minds and enter back into reality. look at your shoes. what color are they? come back to yourself. where there is life there is hope. and where there is hope, there is another day to find a little bit of the grace God puts into it. fear serves no purpose. paranoia even less.
people will play with your head. that’s what people do. but compassion is something we can all have for our fellows — whether they are playing us or not.

guns cut the population. the majority of death by gun are suicides. at some point, it will be nice if american men can set them down, and determine they don’t need to decide on death. until then …….. i will grow my garden and water my flowers and pray that decency outlives those who want to harm others.
trying to get others paranoid is a harm. it’s not nice. serves nothing, and in the end — collective madness is no better than singular madness.

i know what i’m talking about. be well — and let the ideas of conspiracy have a backseat to your own life and own hopes. reality is a much better place to play …. there is a way to be happy. it’s by not letting fear rule you or yours. god takes care of the fools and the irish, and thank god i’m irish. my grandma always said that. it’s a mathematical puzzle. that’s why it’s funny.

i can tell who taught you the rhetoric you used. i know it. i know the vein of where and what and how. i can see that much, and it’s quite maddening. so i live a quiet life and do what i can. i make mistakes. i also own up to them, and have paid dearly with everything but my own life. so that, i’m going to treasure. what you do when paranoia strikes you, is start thinking of all the things that go right. start focusing on the opposite – notice the things you are not noticing. realize that you are placing the things you DO notice in a pattern.

patterns are comfortable. they are insurance. they are the way tomorrow starts at 7 am just like today started at 7 am.

it’s natural and understandable. but not everything is going to fit into your pattern of conspiracy, and so you warp it to fit. and then you build this entire pattern and supposed perception upon what you know has to be truth.

no such thing. are all abstract concepts, and what matters is that matter exists. it is ordered naturally — not by man nor by his perception. it’s SO beautiful ……. life is beautiful. and it sucks. and it weeps. and it is aggravating as hell when all you want is to be understood.

important thing, is i’m not afraid to look like a fool writing on and on …………. because i take the time to help. it’s who i am. what i believe in, even after being mistreated by this society and harmed more than you can imagine. i still love it, because i understand how people fall to temptation. i understand how nobody’s perfect. and i know how some plot and scheme and work to get whatever it is they think they want or need. that makes them the fool, not me. so i don’t give a rat’s ass who or what does this or that. i certainly don’t care about what others say on how that should effect me. and i don’t care that you are fond of believing “they are out to get you.” what i care about, is that whoever played you is not a nice person. what i care about, is that i need to get back to work editing photos — so tedious! what i care about … is i don’t want to see america dissolve into chaos and insanity. funny thing about fear, is when you are not afraid, you handle things better. that’s where we need to be.
it’s not about guns, or crazy, or how to dissect the truth. it’s about purpose and value for individual lives.

it doesn’t matter “who” is in control. i know what i’m doing right now. i know what i’ve been doing. i know i don’t want to see others go through the pain i went through.

first, you have to realize that you don’t need to be that important.

Slavery

yes we know you had 4
when houses were ten thousand a pop
before it became more important to own
a mortgage than a home

before children came with a price tag on their head
one that governed how much opportunity you can afford
to buy for each child

winners and losers
the great race to save nuts and
propagate

rising levels of greed surpass
rising levels of home prices
and the question of the day becomes
not how long can we keep this up?
but how long before reality catches up
to the american dream …

because something real and desperate
is more meaty than something fake and sure

gnaw the bones:
i have lived and loved
and seen the best and worst in humans

nothing dismays quite so much
as the bragging over children
and how that somehow equates to
a better view of the self

i don’t understand how that works
never did
it never computed to me how my individual
existence is supposed to augment
the existence of those who spit me out …

it just doesn’t matter
once you are an individual
your accomplishments (or lack thereof)
are your own

and some of us choose not to be
a mortgage, or own our children
because in the end
all you own is your time … taken to help
or to hurt

i have lived and loved
and seen the best and worst in humans
but the thing that gets me
is so many processes are bought and sold
that ceased to hold any value long ago

what gets me
is i can’t force anyone to understand
the dangers of envy

i can’t design a way to relegate the absolutes of pride
all i can do …
is say i’m so proud that you’re proud

while i feel a deep sorrow
that living must be vicariously performed
until levels of pride equal levels of emptiness
and i mourn

i wonder at what has been taken away
what opportunities
what love and pride in self-made construct

pity overwhelms me
and then guilt – for what part
of my own bloodline saw to it that
singular/individual dreams were quashed?

i hope the world holds better
for those needing pride in their children
i truly do
because i NEVER wanted anyone
EVER to say “i’m proud of you.”

i always thrilled more
to hear
“Good God, what have you done now?”

And i never know the answer to that.
It always comes out in the wash

quantum infinity to the absolute power of erratic thought

re: new concepts in quantum realities.

the thing about every concept, is the same one that plagues calibration. if you have three dials to calibrate audio, at least one has to remain at zero. with no solidified dial, any work to calibrate is only going to be successful by sheer luck. which is fine, if the intent is to spend your time playing with dials. but if your intent is to have a superior audio, then the important part of calibration is what you keep the same. i see theories that venture into areas of non-matter as playing with the dials.

now it’s always possible, that the dial you selected to remain steady, is the one that creates the most differences. so the only way you are going to know that, is if at some point you move that dial. confront other realities. i’m a structural engineer at heart. and an efficiency expert fan. lately i’m trying out the ideology for eliminating the concept of empty space. while science has accepted this for quite some time, that unless you are living in a vacuum, your air is not empty. the reality for most people is that an empty room is empty. that the sky is a wide, open space. that they are not IN something, but that they are ON something. so before science rushes off to disprove the nature of matter itself, they might want to make sure everyone has a working knowledge of it, first. because their other dials aren’t calibrated. so moving that one, will throw it into feedback screeching as surely as…. the sun rises and sets?

from schizophrenia to not giving a dam for minds stuck too long in floods of rising indifference

have known many schizophrenics, was even engaged to one. he believed his garden gnomes came alive at night. would see demons….generally the mentally ill you see walking the street and talking to themselves, are schizophrenic. I’ve seen treated schizophrenics that manage ok, but a lot of the medications cause them to move their legs or jiggle uncontrollably. and drool, and leave their mouth open. I heard at some point that they can tell by the structure of the middle of the brain? it’s like there is a bigger gap? very sad thing to deal with. many homeless people are schizophrenic. it really devastates families, most of the patients at state hospitals in long term care, are schizophrenic.

psychotic episodes are not exclusive to schizophrenia. manic depressives and bipolars can also have psychotic breaks. often, medication is tailored for both leveling and any symptoms of psychosis. there is also borderline personality disorder. knew friends diagnosed with that. bipolar is type 1 and 2. I think they have a 3 now. the mental health here used to give a class on all of it. and sort of the practical version, not like taking psychology classes in college. Scientology does some interesting youtube videos on mental illness….lol. for the most part, I’ve seen a LOT of over medication. had friends that were taking upwards of twenty pills a day. I am not exaggerating. the consensus is that therapy and medication are better than just medication. and that therapy can have more far-reaching effects. but for schizophrenia, I think it is brain damage of some kind, and mostly all they can do is try to limit the hallucinations through medication.

there is basically no such thing as degrees of schizophrenia, you are or you aren’t. the biggest symptom is hearing voices, but unlike what many believe, hearing voices means outside of your own body, like someone invisible is in the room speaking. it is not hearing your own voice in your head speaking. that is normal, and I think they call that self-talk.

I’ve had racing thoughts before, and it’s very distressful. but is not like something where you wonder if you are having racing thoughts. you know you have racing thoughts. when I think about it, I have not had any since I gave up drinking alcohol 7 years ago. but basically, you can’t shut your mind off and don’t have the power to stop your own self-talk inside. I think I also was able through therapy, to realize the impact of fears. because racing thoughts are like your mind is babbling uncontrollably in fear.

but anyway….I have seen and known schizophrenics–and it is a particular type of mental illness that is considered sever enough to sometimes require extensive hospitalization. life gets crazy, and stressful for so many people. many times it is simply taking care of oneself, to get adequate sleep and eat right. every time I ever had severe trouble, I was not eating or sleeping for days…weeks. and then psychosis has to do with not enough dopamine in the brain.

I also believe fear plays key roles to mental instability, and have found while living alone, then any physical problem can quickly turn into mental out of an instinct to live…to find a way above that point of no return where too ill to take care of yourself.

anyway….I’ve studied quite a lot in the area of psychology and mental illness. I do think half the battle is tending to physical needs, such as rest and food. sometimes there are triggers, and if I develop problems, I go over any new products such as lotion or shampoo, different scents. have always been sensitive and allergic. it can be difficult, but I find it is much easier to maintain balance when not in a relationship, where they will try to make you feel you are always having problems. and then act like a go between with doctors, where I would feel like some kind of robot that was not performing well enough for them….that is very hard to deal with.

standing out from the crowd, always being considered different and “strange” — is, in itself, one of the largest hurdles of ‘mental illness.’ and that is why i fight and often pose decent arguments as to how it really comes down to diagnosing people that are not liked or do not fit in, as having a defect or mysterious illness. the stigma, which is actually discrimination for those who are different or seem odd and not conformed enough to societal ideals — that discrimination is part of the problem in the first place. security, and having acceptance in a family or society, can be a large part of problems that lead to mental illness.

when people keep in their minds, that I am mentally ill, they treat me how they feel you should treat the mentally ill. and I will drop out of those friendships. you pack your bags and move. find a new job, a new city where you can be treated like a normal person. luckily for me, enough people are now getting medication and diagnosed, that it’s not like it was. for the most part, I can be upfront and not get discrimination. eh….life has not been easy. but I have been in the position to help a lot of people in mental health centers. I try to think of that as God using me where I could do the most good. but some days I wish I had been given a “normal” life.

and it is tempting, to think — at least i’m not THAT! i’m not one of those schizophrenics! and that is just another ladder on the pecking order of my life is more normal than your life. my mind is better than your mind. my life is better than yours! oh yes, and it makes me ashamed when i think that way. for the most part, i think there are not enough answers, considering the level of diagnostics available for everything else. aside from that, i think it is important to see people as people. to look at another, and observe their soul. not some preconceived notion of that person set apart — the crazy that means you are “normal.” the normans were bastard invaders. we shouldn’t have been trying to emulate them in the first place. lol … but as far as conforming goes — i don’t have answers. except that it helps to pay attention to the little social things that make people comfortable. it helps to see others as thoughtful beings. if you expect the worst, you are going to get the worst.

i have been through a lot. seen so many in different states of mental breakdown. but it is the same as when i worked as a nurse — the patients knew i SAW them, the person that was every bit as important as any. you see the soul, you love who they are. i don’t know how to explain it. but i know that it can pull someone back from that ledge of alone-ness. when they see that you see them. i have been through so much and determined so many things. it does come down, to taking care of yourself in a forthright way. putting your needs first, in many cases. but also, trying to have an honesty with yourself regarding how you are doing, and how your life is going or not going.

it’s not easy, and not for anyone. i don’t reserve tough lives only for the mentally ill. i sometimes think that the mentally ill have a step up on things, because they have taken time to learn and develop higher coping skills.

what is different about me, is i remember my years of not being mentally ill. i remember having “a life” and how i was so busy, probably couldn’t even tell you who the president was. i worked and made money and never questioned … i never questioned. so now i do. can’t say if that’s good or bad, but it has lead me to a place where i look at things very differently than others. i don’t assume the “correctness” of any conformity or socially accepted mannerisms and norms. actually judge on an entirely different level.

i don’t know if that is good or bad. sometimes, i wish is was back into a busy life, with no time to look at things and wonder. eh …… come see, come saw. 🙂 i have fought long and hard for understanding, through my writings. to make others see that there is not that big a difference, and that sometimes it’s like mental illness doesn’t exist at all. got any idea how hard that piece of knowledge hit me? when i ran over the lines from the wizard of oz — and just took on the entire reality that ALL of medicine is made-up names? that it all is basically a very large con, going on for years. and that the only proof of any good of medicine, is if they heal.

and i’ve had to heal myself. not that i have given others much chance at it for decades, now. but it’s all pretty much one of those doors you open, that you can’t just shut again. i can’t pretend i don’t know that. i can’t pretend that i don’t know, that the reason they are always “discovering” new illnesses, is because those 3 illnesses used to be one illness. and they looked a little deeper, and found more. and tomorrow, they will look a little deeper, and find more. and the tomorrows after that, they will look deeper and find more — until the one illness, that was cured with a spoonful of sugar — now takes 60 different medications for 40 different made-up names. and it never gets cured.

and that’s the cynic in me — but yea. that’s basically how it works. so the diagnosing of mental illness, is basically a form of dealing with people that are having freak-outs. and the thing with schizophrenics, or those showing that degree of freak-out — is that it is at a stage kind of past the point of no return. i’ve gone out — and back in. crazy and freak-out time — and then back to where i’m reasonable. or fairly so. i still like to unsettle others, sometimes. just because it’s interesting and makes for a difference. i try not to manipulate, and i try to be honest and forthright. i guess the thing many people never see in me, is how much i care.

that’s kind of strange, but that is the thing. that’s it in a nutshell. people don’t want someone that is strong and who cares — they want someone who is weak that they can take care of. someone that is dependent, and makes them necessary. hmmmmmmm ………. so why don’t the mentally ill ever get any sympathy? they mostly get scorn, and lots of it.

i wonder about that a lot. but has something to do with what i was talking about earlier, sets and subsets. and trying to place others in a subset away from yourself, so that you can be the “anti” of whatever it is. and so, for the most part — those who crave and yearn to call people like me crazy? they are the ones doubting their own sanity the most. and so i try to have sympathy with them. i never feared my own insanity. and that’s the difference. it doesn’t scare me, only what people will do to me scares me. but i don’t fear GOING insane. i mostly think of it all as biological, and consisting of finite parameters.

and i’ve seen miracles. i’ve prayed, and asked for rest, and rest came. i had a mother of many children, and illegal mexican immigrant on a farm — pray with me, and put a blanket over me and it was like all the anxiety evaporated and i was able to rest. so there are miracles, and there is a God, even if it is only in your own head. that’s what i believe. matter itself, is an ever-folding and moving solution … a mixture of life and death and expression.

eventually, we all get old. and most who get very old, eventually lose some part of their mind. they live in memories, or find other ways to cope. and i don’t see that as an illness, i see that as inevitable. what surprises me, sometimes — is when i think how my life is shortened. has been, from the damage of being used as a guinea pig one too many times for the next great revelation in pills. and i sort of cry quietly to myself. like i lost something, and i don’t know what. and i’m more afraid of those tears. there is something about self-pity that is unnerving. but also, it’s a different kind of crying than i’ve ever had for others that died.

a very childish thing. to sit and feel sorry for myself. but i don’t think it’s wrong, just a little out of whack. better to worry about what you can do with the time you have.

the mind … is a tricky thing. i like how it is explained in this book i have — that we have a mind, a spirit, a soul, and a body. four things that make up what humans “are.” the book is over a century old. so what have we learned? treat the mind, by drugging the body and ignoring the soul, while crushing the spirit.

i’m just not sure that’s the best method to success, is all. and i don’t know that schizophrenics are that much different. sometimes a spirit needs to be free. sometimes the ties that bind the four together are too strong or too weak. i have pictured myself going completely over the edge and staying there. pushing around a shopping cart, and yelling at strangers. the difference, is i know the mind part and the avenues where that becomes reality. i know exactly what to fear.

shutting down, is easy now. it’s caring about anything that’s hard.