for the better need

memory is betraying me
short term madness
yet i don’t worry
and i don’t know how to explain why i don’t worry
it’s about being practical
seeing a little bit beyond my own
grand image of what i was supposed to be
be be be be be be be
goals that never fit me quite right
statues
the impressive model for a role…
was always about planning to not measure up
yet not so much about shooting the foot
as it was about measuring the holes

i was curious long before schoolhood whys were drilled into
the neverending battle for comprehension….

before it was sad to play all by myself
collecting dandelion seeds
or walking from school and picking honeysuckle

i was me, then
as much as i am me, now
what makes that different is that i cry
when i think of all that being me
over all this time….

it’s like a rock in my chest
so i fight around that and take another breath
my throat closes and i can’t stop crying

i don’t think it’s because i want to be a kid again
part of it is losing that childhood
tragedy
but then i wipe the tears and sigh

my eye’s mind turns back to looking forward again
and i know who i am

i know what i was supposed to be and never did any of it
and what i’ve done that nobody thought could ever be accomplished

and i was better then, but i’m better now
if you asked me what i fear the most
i’d say i fear this world
the gears turning
people everywhere following their lines
yet mine are simple and always the same path

some of us hang on to the self of each past
the stages in growth are all a single thing
yet it’s different
than not ever growing up

more like you were always grown up
like memories are stored to always fit where you’re at

i don’t worry too much
on sadness and how it’s hard not to be lonely
(i like being practical because hands-on bursts
with so much delight of knowing)
it becomes wider portrayals of how everyone is seen
alone is assumed to be hopeless
dancing with despair ….and
i suppose smiling to myself IS kind of a waste…

but not so much
i always managed to find myself staring back

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tar pits and wails

wanting to examine jealousy
trouble understanding
so it’s one of those things that if you
prod at it
it gets all over you
so when feel a flood of illogical hatred
for a smiling tennis pro
it’s time to drop the examination

obviously feeds on itself
ie: the more you indulge in jealousy
the more it grows

it takes energy
the drain is insidious
and the jealousy is the sort akin to envy
it is just the type of envy that leads to hate

so i realized these one feelings toward another person might be jealousy
don’t laugh!
i just usually don’t label factors in my emotional life
so i was like ok i have wanted to understand
mainly because i have heard “they don’t like you because they are jealous”

and if it was based on me
then my actions or course should work to avert
being the focus of jealousy

but…if jealousy indeed feeds on itself
then it is feeling jealous of many others
that would then lead someone to more easily
be jealous of me

so, is not something one can avert by a change in reaction
such as effusive humility
jealousy is like a nuclear reaction
where you can cool things
but will not stop that reaction
because its roots are elsewhere

that confuses even me, but
jealousy is also the word
for the emotion of hanging onto love
the desperation leading to hatred of someone
who is loved or liked by the person
you want to love or like you

i have a lot of experience
with that type of jealousy
someone thinner was always loved more
i never experienced full dedication
love was always conditional
on how much i could do for the male mate
yet they seemed capable of thoughtless worship
of thinner or more powerful women

but i didn’t necessarily hate those women
generally observed it as a flaw in the male
so that kind of jealousy is more like hurt

both types could be seen as a type of envy
but i think it’s all about plans
not getting what you want to be
the dream you have of yourself
the dream of who you are
verses the reality of who you are
reflected within the reactions of others

so it’s kind of like
trying to balance on a ball like a circus bear
while that ball is rolling on a rocking boat

the chances for equilibrium are pretty slim

i think it’s better to love everyone
whether that’s seen as loving all God’s children
or seen as a sense of humility for the self

but a certain understanding
that goes beyond your own needs

life is too short…
best laid plans of mice and men
….well they’re incomplete

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invention of religion

hey why don’t we make up a different reality for the lower class?
that way can manipulate
how we want them to live
so this religion must be about appreciating poverty
and oh
get this
what if we make it so the best is yet to come
after they die?

yes
but we want them to get along with each other
so forgiveness and plenty of
taking care of each other…

yes
a different truth
and we will call it the truth and the way …

**********************

but what if God had Its own plans
double-crossed the double-crossers?
what if the people used hope
and generated a reality of graciousness
among the rabble
the dogs kicked one too many times
what if this world had another plan
and used the belief of millions
to create a reality of well-being?

what if God silently chuckles at the irony…

we understand solid and fluid



man is both

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knowledge is a strange thing
dependent more on how it is parsed
than desires of security
a lie can get in the way of the truth
yes
but there is also ways around
and power
what is power?
the prayers of millions of Chinese factory workers?
making products so that the least in countries of oppression
can type on a cellphone
to learn and be and exist in parts and fulls
understanding a singular adventure…

what blesses the hands that create?
so we wish for them greater things in this earth
and God will come through …
time a marshal on all of our watches
…..listen

i see a lot and take in a lot
but only arrogance tells me it is more
than any i address… so i bow and

say trust me
sacrifice is the open mind
that reaches for the sake of grasping
truth
but the way is a creature of its own
points dictated by nothing greater than good will…

you have a heart — use it
not because life is short
but because it isn’t getting any longer
desperation is marked with an exigency of despair
but you cannot quantify
the exponential desire of a kind act

i cried out because i matter, too
sometimes we carry more than were made to carry
sometimes burdens are just too heavy
and even love can only be a reminder
that no one can help …

(she was to be the salve … the answer
to losing the other child… she was to
fix me and fix that pain … yet||| choices
were mine. never doubt. but i wish
to see joy before the end….)

great are great for a reason: a grandmother looked
in the camera square
every ounce of actor and beauty and all that i ever admired…
words for posterity for HER
were “remember i love you”

that
that is why the least are the greatest
and that is why no one

i mean no one….

walks alone.

Earth was never afraid
Its only harm is that what It has done
cannot be remanufactured

there is no heroics to sipping on coffee
while tapping on a keyboard
trying to figure out what i want to say
and the reward is likes, but it is no reward
more information to parse and carry
i have lived quietly for many years, now
every utterance just the breeze
a sigh a flower long-wilted
yet i disagree that i was ever made
simply to be an accessory to a vase

the world wants to know what to believe
for religion itself has become muddied
lost in purpose
on one level i believe it is hogwash
ok i said it…. because when powerless
man— you me us — will search for
a way to convince oneself has a power
in witchcraft they might light a candle
in most religion the deeds are outsourced
with a request to a god
and with spiritualism you worship no power

but to be effective
is to lose the sense of no power
and therefore the need of God
pastors are effective, why their struggle
to hold faith is more …. and it comes
down to when a person is effective, they
are no longer innocent

so may you not be innocent… but may
life find something beyond… to keep
on reaching

i am out of coffee
and need to refill the cup
computers are somewhat behaving for now
though there is troubles with internet connection
for Windows 10
that ship is never going to float
and i don’t know what to even say to Microsoft
after awhile when you patch too many holes
the entire endeavor is nothing but putty

and this day–THIS day is cloudy
salt lake is salt lake city
not much of a town
filled with rude unknowning people
convinced their way is the only way
because numbers equals power…. sad
and yet each individual tries more than
the whole…… so that might not be good
but it’s good enough

i still need to fill the coffee mug
make the bed
remember rome wasn’t built in a day
neither am i

wonder wanders wonderfully

how do you mark a wonderful day?
the balance
the gist
between work over play

every memory tucked neatly
and silently home
like a dog we’re content
to gnaw ancient bones

is it what happens to you?
or the you that happens to others …
the mux and the mix will diffuse merrily
storms always pass
while the days never cease
and heartache is born on a cusp
verily …

i say unto you that a way is a means
and a hope is an anger
all fates swarm with dreams

and i just want today
for one moment, at least
and carve out my name
on the chest of the beast …

to watch as i anchor my feet to the ground
then rage at design
for its pennies of pounds

how do you mark a wonderful day? a wonderful week?
a year? i can’t say …

but i do know forever is the length of a sight
as it tocks back and forth
‘tween the wrong and the right

then to love is to bow
yet our hearts never bend
for it’s strength in each breath
and each breath is an end

bones divide or denature
for the absence of compel
to pass once again
spiral deep to the well

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sewn by grace

Every dream I ever had proved me wrong to dream… So life itself is not unkind. There’s more to being human for the more in solace to a heart that loves and gives for other reason… truth is blind?
no more than any other fate
we bound and boldly remonstrate
while darkness has its light
and light its dark
dear cupid always off his mark
so settle to the ground
no crying is allowed here for
we charm to sound and i was silent
for one heartbeat, only caste to play
the ever-strength
the ever -known
good golly and good day, there is no harm
to man who sees in wider goal
the object of affection object,
still
and all true skies will cry to hear you weep
but even so, all passion is replete
with guise of self and to the selfless time remains
a bit of flux and nothing more.
to bask in pain they have awards…
for every dream i ever had, proved me wrong to dream.
yet life is sweet, and large, and vast
ever open to repast–and never what it seams.

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