war of the petunias

a beautiful day out
flowers happy
birds singing
i have my coffee
and creamer

with few aches and pains
a small nag between the shoulder blades

what did i ponder?
oh if love was love
when you had no song
listening to an oldies station
i realized he and i had no song
or not that, but that i never
APPLIED a song to that romance,
or any other

as if it was forbidden…
what is Love conquered by Lust?
it’s a beautiful day out, truly;
the flowers SHOULD be happy.

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Freeman of the Cuspy Rounds

reminded all about, hiding in the crevices
darkest before the dawn
differentiation is a line

spin the view inward
spin the view outward

riding on hopes for perfection
riding on maps of continuance
on the plot, the plan

riding on ways to hold yourself
steady
riding on ways to believe yourself
good

on the nature of dark
on the abeyance of light
on ponderous determinations of bodies
cells
microscopic regurgitations of FORM

riding between the concept of blessings
inside the notoriety of gifts
looking at forever and deciding alternatives
to death are exhausting

riding on the statutes
on dictated redemption
on every part and participle
riding the breakers that take you out to sea …

to see …

to ride the quest of knowledge
and every dogged attempt of CONTROL

grasp understanding and dismiss collective construct
collective rule
the very exact design and practice …

collective deception

all agreeing grass is greener
skies are bluer
worlds will always spin
because destiny always has ……………. agreed.

riding

…………..the spiral

the causality that has one;
one perfection
one continuance
one plan
one way
one belief – to an answer that leads to a belief …
one nature – definitions
one abeyance – gravitation – abeyance …
one determination – – questions – determinations …
one consumption – swallowing -consumptions….
one concept – of commiseration into concepts …
one notoriety – building fashion that causes notoriety …
one alternative – requiring an alternative an alternative …
one statute – opening statutes on statutes …
one redemption – leading to forgiveness needing mistakes for redemptions …
one part – desiring segments and then parted segments …
one breaker ………………….washing foam into the next wave

we see our own creation as parted
multiplying cells
is it so? or is that only our sight
turning all the shade of ruptured and spiraled
design
the trap
the fractal breakage

…………..all leading to another
and another ………

each a fount of its own need.

twists of causality
spirals in out
turn
dance

frolic every head
to bits and pieces

all for artistic
perception

solidification of SELF
who
what you think you are
MORE important
MADE more important in spirals …….

………….than what you DO
all you DO, then
is chosen to reinforce who you ARE
what you see or want to be ARE

all turns
the dance of convoluted hope
in foregoing SELF DIRECTION
YOUR pause
banked on the spiral

mine resting on tender lines
lines of action
stemmed with mercy;
to draw the lines and move.

no opposite methodology works the board
each opposite known and plotted
the puppetmaster’s strings …

each opposite gripped
in a spiral of causality
burning the notion outward
ONLY moves the spiral in
burning it in only moves it OUT

forever spiraled in deepening ruts of Opposing Conditions
justification via poor leadership quantified
in poor design

traps
the blessings of hatred
in bugs bunny holes marked by elmer fudd and his
dying wishes ……

don’t mind me

straight
linear
marking paths that do not
reinforce their own need …….. to move
to exist on fractured lines
deny the spiral its ache

run where no predictability can find your assurance
hide where no hope can match combing directions

broken sight and sound in singular for steady eyes
mended sound and sight on the curves of skin feeding galvanized ears …

step to
step on
no reinforcement for the next … because the next is new

all new
every every day

lines of survival
gifted to extensions NOT needing eternity
linear and new forgoes eternal spins!
the dogged eternity
of the spiral
the trap of hell that hell only knows …

when any faith is born on lines
from un-predicted tomorrows
a path of NO design
plots with no point and no none to see redundancies through

to where it SLAPS! gifted in prediction … is the next
line going to follow SENSE?

the lines in true generosity
needing no other

paths lived once
not to be repeated
but to decorate eternity
in singular understandings of worlds loved

loved and removed

removed and every distance created by
owning yourself

for the better need

memory is betraying me
short term madness
yet i don’t worry
and i don’t know how to explain why i don’t worry
it’s about being practical
seeing a little bit beyond my own
grand image of what i was supposed to be
be be be be be be be
goals that never fit me quite right
statues
the impressive model for a role…
was always about planning to not measure up
yet not so much about shooting the foot
as it was about measuring the holes

i was curious long before schoolhood whys were drilled into
the neverending battle for comprehension….

before it was sad to play all by myself
collecting dandelion seeds
or walking from school and picking honeysuckle

i was me, then
as much as i am me, now
what makes that different is that i cry
when i think of all that being me
over all this time….

it’s like a rock in my chest
so i fight around that and take another breath
my throat closes and i can’t stop crying

i don’t think it’s because i want to be a kid again
part of it is losing that childhood
tragedy
but then i wipe the tears and sigh

my eye’s mind turns back to looking forward again
and i know who i am

i know what i was supposed to be and never did any of it
and what i’ve done that nobody thought could ever be accomplished

and i was better then, but i’m better now
if you asked me what i fear the most
i’d say i fear this world
the gears turning
people everywhere following their lines
yet mine are simple and always the same path

some of us hang on to the self of each past
the stages in growth are all a single thing
yet it’s different
than not ever growing up

more like you were always grown up
like memories are stored to always fit where you’re at

i don’t worry too much
on sadness and how it’s hard not to be lonely
(i like being practical because hands-on bursts
with so much delight of knowing)
it becomes wider portrayals of how everyone is seen
alone is assumed to be hopeless
dancing with despair ….and
i suppose smiling to myself IS kind of a waste…

but not so much
i always managed to find myself staring back

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tar pits and wails

wanting to examine jealousy
trouble understanding
so it’s one of those things that if you
prod at it
it gets all over you
so when feel a flood of illogical hatred
for a smiling tennis pro
it’s time to drop the examination

obviously feeds on itself
ie: the more you indulge in jealousy
the more it grows

it takes energy
the drain is insidious
and the jealousy is the sort akin to envy
it is just the type of envy that leads to hate

so i realized these one feelings toward another person might be jealousy
don’t laugh!
i just usually don’t label factors in my emotional life
so i was like ok i have wanted to understand
mainly because i have heard “they don’t like you because they are jealous”

and if it was based on me
then my actions or course should work to avert
being the focus of jealousy

but…if jealousy indeed feeds on itself
then it is feeling jealous of many others
that would then lead someone to more easily
be jealous of me

so, is not something one can avert by a change in reaction
such as effusive humility
jealousy is like a nuclear reaction
where you can cool things
but will not stop that reaction
because its roots are elsewhere

that confuses even me, but
jealousy is also the word
for the emotion of hanging onto love
the desperation leading to hatred of someone
who is loved or liked by the person
you want to love or like you

i have a lot of experience
with that type of jealousy
someone thinner was always loved more
i never experienced full dedication
love was always conditional
on how much i could do for the male mate
yet they seemed capable of thoughtless worship
of thinner or more powerful women

but i didn’t necessarily hate those women
generally observed it as a flaw in the male
so that kind of jealousy is more like hurt

both types could be seen as a type of envy
but i think it’s all about plans
not getting what you want to be
the dream you have of yourself
the dream of who you are
verses the reality of who you are
reflected within the reactions of others

so it’s kind of like
trying to balance on a ball like a circus bear
while that ball is rolling on a rocking boat

the chances for equilibrium are pretty slim

i think it’s better to love everyone
whether that’s seen as loving all God’s children
or seen as a sense of humility for the self

but a certain understanding
that goes beyond your own needs

life is too short…
best laid plans of mice and men
….well they’re incomplete

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invention of religion

hey why don’t we make up a different reality for the lower class?
that way can manipulate
how we want them to live
so this religion must be about appreciating poverty
and oh
get this
what if we make it so the best is yet to come
after they die?

yes
but we want them to get along with each other
so forgiveness and plenty of
taking care of each other…

yes
a different truth
and we will call it the truth and the way …

**********************

but what if God had Its own plans
double-crossed the double-crossers?
what if the people used hope
and generated a reality of graciousness
among the rabble
the dogs kicked one too many times
what if this world had another plan
and used the belief of millions
to create a reality of well-being?

what if God silently chuckles at the irony…

we understand solid and fluid



man is both

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knowledge is a strange thing
dependent more on how it is parsed
than desires of security
a lie can get in the way of the truth
yes
but there is also ways around
and power
what is power?
the prayers of millions of Chinese factory workers?
making products so that the least in countries of oppression
can type on a cellphone
to learn and be and exist in parts and fulls
understanding a singular adventure…

what blesses the hands that create?
so we wish for them greater things in this earth
and God will come through …
time a marshal on all of our watches
…..listen

i see a lot and take in a lot
but only arrogance tells me it is more
than any i address… so i bow and

say trust me
sacrifice is the open mind
that reaches for the sake of grasping
truth
but the way is a creature of its own
points dictated by nothing greater than good will…

you have a heart — use it
not because life is short
but because it isn’t getting any longer
desperation is marked with an exigency of despair
but you cannot quantify
the exponential desire of a kind act

i cried out because i matter, too
sometimes we carry more than were made to carry
sometimes burdens are just too heavy
and even love can only be a reminder
that no one can help …

(she was to be the salve … the answer
to losing the other child… she was to
fix me and fix that pain … yet||| choices
were mine. never doubt. but i wish
to see joy before the end….)

great are great for a reason: a grandmother looked
in the camera square
every ounce of actor and beauty and all that i ever admired…
words for posterity for HER
were “remember i love you”

that
that is why the least are the greatest
and that is why no one

i mean no one….

walks alone.

Earth was never afraid
Its only harm is that what It has done
cannot be remanufactured

there is no heroics to sipping on coffee
while tapping on a keyboard
trying to figure out what i want to say
and the reward is likes, but it is no reward
more information to parse and carry
i have lived quietly for many years, now
every utterance just the breeze
a sigh a flower long-wilted
yet i disagree that i was ever made
simply to be an accessory to a vase

the world wants to know what to believe
for religion itself has become muddied
lost in purpose
on one level i believe it is hogwash
ok i said it…. because when powerless
man— you me us — will search for
a way to convince oneself has a power
in witchcraft they might light a candle
in most religion the deeds are outsourced
with a request to a god
and with spiritualism you worship no power

but to be effective
is to lose the sense of no power
and therefore the need of God
pastors are effective, why their struggle
to hold faith is more …. and it comes
down to when a person is effective, they
are no longer innocent

so may you not be innocent… but may
life find something beyond… to keep
on reaching

i am out of coffee
and need to refill the cup
computers are somewhat behaving for now
though there is troubles with internet connection
for Windows 10
that ship is never going to float
and i don’t know what to even say to Microsoft
after awhile when you patch too many holes
the entire endeavor is nothing but putty

and this day–THIS day is cloudy
salt lake is salt lake city
not much of a town
filled with rude unknowning people
convinced their way is the only way
because numbers equals power…. sad
and yet each individual tries more than
the whole…… so that might not be good
but it’s good enough

i still need to fill the coffee mug
make the bed
remember rome wasn’t built in a day
neither am i