don’t push me over that ledge i know how to jump!

i almost can’t stand the degree of sweating
and for everyone’s information, this is drug withdrawal
that’s what it is
i don’t care about what other names you give it…

i’ve been through drug withdrawal before, and this
is drug withdrawal

which puts things in a whole new perspective
they call them hormones, but what it really is
is a little drug maker in your own body
and this mini-drug maker either puts
the drug it produces right into the bloodstream
or through a duct — just like some drugs have
to be injected to work

and so this drug that the body
basically poisons itself with — starts going
when a kid reaches a certain age
and this drug effects all kinds of things
including mood and temperament …probably
contributes to all the warm fuzzy feelings
when you contemplate buying a new purse

then 40 some odd years later
the body goes gee, we don’t need this
anymore … and you get to go through withdrawal
because that’s what this is
sweating buckets

humans give things different names and that
is supposed to somehow make things different
but this is a drug withdrawal
estrogen is like meth or heroin or coke
it goes away and you are left strung out,
debating whether you should get some more
of the estrogen drug from your doctor…

and i wonder what life will be like
once off the crutch of the estrogen drug
there should be some kind of antidote
what really bites is to have been a good citizen
all these years of not even smoking pot
and here i am having to go through a drug withdrawal

i swear i was left so unprepared for the world
just thrown at it
and told “good luck!”

at least taught myself how to tie my own shoes
and how to change oil in a car
i crossed my t’s and dotted my i’s
soon as i figured out how to use a pen

no worries
this too shall pass
she told me that much

wish the world was a lot more simple
on simple days with simple perspectives
but at least i’m not bored


one step in front of every other

very soon now, i will be able to leave for the store and step my way along actual sidewalks. no more rocks in my shoes, no more watching the speeding traffic for any indications that they will swerve and plow me down like just another object that got in their way.

when i ventured out this last week, the forms were all set and i imagine they are drawing straws on who gets to guard the wet cement from all those who would like to leave a handprint for posterity. and i think about how there is certainly a place in life for city planning.

in california, having sidewalks was never an issue. in california, the sidewalks go up even before there is even a thought that a neighborhood might exist some day. roads come with sidewalks. if you took the long road out to ventura, would see absolutely nothing but some industrial buildings and a gravel-pit mine. but the streets have sidewalks, because that’s how you plan for development down the road.

in salt lake city, it’s as if they went into a flurry of planning and then said that’s it. the city started with a grid-street number system, very efficient –but apparently after that they decided planning was for sissies. and i can appreciate the free-flow of natural growth. it’s actually kind of interesting how nothing is zoned and restaurants or shops are right next door to single family homes, or tire stores are snuggled up to apartment buildings. i can even appreciate one of the answers i got when i decided to question a long-time resident about the lack of sidewalks. “it makes them feel like country roads even though you’re in the city. gives that ‘country’ feel to things.”

and i’m just a little bit puzzled, of course. you have a four-lane highway where cars are going 50 mph, with no sidewalks because … you need it to feel like a country road? even the two-lane streets, when i lived in another neighborhood, were thoroughfares used specifically as through-streets. and had no sidewalks. and the homes are not country shacks we are talking about, but million dollar dwellings with no sidewalk for pedestrians. it was the oddest thing i had ever seen. (except for my one trip to Tijuana where stopping at a stop sign was optional.)

but in some ways no sidewalks makes sense for salt lake county, where pedestrians are considered the lowest of the low. everyone drives everywhere, and there is little that is done right in their own neighborhoods. even walking to church on sunday, when i was attending an LDS ward. and it was a very pleasant and short walk – but with no sidewalks.

i continually had to turn down offers of a “ride” from fellow ward members. it was as if they could not stand the thought of anyone walking to church, even though the LDS wards in the salt lake valley are so numerous–you can’t throw a stone without hitting one. they were actually designed so that families could walk to church on sunday. and then no one walks to church, they pile into cars and fill the parking lots as if having a bright, shiny car is part of wearing your sunday best.

so bottom line, is that if nothing else since my stay here, i have hopefully made some realize that sidewalks are a little necessary for going from point A to point B by foot. and maybe next time city planners meet, they need to see about giving a little less power to those owning the car dealerships all along state street. which btw, has sidewalks.

the draw of better circumstances

my grandmother always thought that winning a large sum of money was the answer

but the answer to what?

two facets to that — power, that money could bring

or goods and services that money could buy

and since i am my mother’s daughter

why don’t i have this same outlook or hope or reasoning?

well, a different time with different messages, is one

songs, and movies, and media that all put forth the idea that money cannot buy happiness

so there is that — and one can assume that before such ideas took root

the general consensus was that money was necessary for happiness and that more money simply meant more happiness

there is also the factor that with a “middle class” — there is a greater social mixing of rich and poor

and this gives the poor a chance to observe just how “happy” the rich appear to BE

ok …. but if you have a thinking, reasoning person that just wants to win the ‘big one’

(which in my mind is the bone thrown to the masses to keep them wishing and also to keep them in a sort of reverence for those with more money)

when the fact of the matter IS

that you have to first learn TO MAKE DO

to live with what you have and be thankful for that

because of course — don’t believe i have to state this outloud — the path to happiness is thankfulness and gratitude, not money

i have lived with an ingratitude within myself. and those were the hard times of my life. not now. those were the times when i had more money to spend and more things, even a purchased home.

but what was constantly on my mind? how to get a bigger home. how to get a better home in a better neighborhood.

how to RAiSE myself in status, because in my mind, the reason all those people in the lutheran church did not respect me, was because i had no wealth

in my mind — the reason the wealthier kids did not want to come to MY house to play, was because my house was poor with exposed plumbing under the sinks and no wall to wall carpeting.

the misery was so extreme, that i attempted suicide a few times. i generally don’t admit to that, but there you go.

now grandmother’s reasoning behind entering the publishing clearing house sweepstakes and others of that kind, was she would say “well it will do me just as much good as anyone else.”

which is interesting, now that i think of it.

and i would of course calculate the odds and write it off as a fool’s dream

or an unnecessary dream that only stands in the way of appreciating what you already have, and therefore realizing the true happiness of gratitude and thankfulness.

so i don’t think about the possibility. though i’m sure if i wished on it hard enough, it would land in my lap.

and i’m actually more frightened of that possibility, than the work to make do with what you have.

even if i enter into a contest, like gambling in las vegas — i have to have in my mind that all that i deserve is to lose every penny. and therefore, i do. but also it gives me a chance to investigate if winning anything is possible without the WISH to win.

so there was that. i played with the notions. it did seem fairly consistent, that the more i needed to win anything, because i couldn’t afford to be gambling the money i gambled — then the more i ended up losing it. and the more i entered into any gambling event with the sense of “who cares?” then the greater chance there was of winning. and i don’t know how to apply any explanation for that.

though there is the fact that when gambling “to win” — then no amount of “small” win is enough. in fact, i could say that no amount of any win, is enough. all the money in the world could not slake that thirst, because there is something else beyond the money that is hoped-for. ???

and when not caring about a win or lose situation, then even a small win at a slot machine can be a memorable fun surprise — rather than a disappointment. it is the gratitude that makes that event “happy.”

so…….. not sure where i’m going with this. mainly, i don’t think a grand amount of money is the answer to any prayer of mine. because i know i can calculate how much to save and when i would arrive at that mount and “have” it, regardless of any “grace” placed upon me to be granted a large sum of money.

i know i could work again … enter back into the rat race and earn more and buy a house and go the whole distance.

but i dropped out of it in the first place for a reason

i was not happy

and when not happy threatens existence, to where you won’t have to worry any more about money because you’ll be dead …. well, it turns all your priorities on end.

you get placed in a box away from sunshine — and you realize that you now appreciate the sunshine MORE. you have your freedom removed — and you realize each day you wake up where life is about YOUR choice, then that is a good day.

and i don’t wish for great amounts of money. at one point, when i came to salt lake and became “aware” of just how much family land and legacy existed. and for a few days i entertained the thought that i was a very wealthy woman, and just didn’t know it.

i remember walking in the avenues of salt lake city … thinking. and thinking. and realizing there was nothing that i needed money FOR. what would i do with it? buy a house? but then i would hunger for a bigger house. have servants? but then how would i ever learn the most efficient ways of running a household? it just all fell down … one thing after another that i imagined.

even with a strong likelihood that i had ‘all’ the money in the world … nothing surfaced that gave me any joy or any reason to believe that it would make life any better than it was right at that very moment.

when i was walking in the avenues on a nice spring day — and exploring streets i’ve never seen before. for years after that, i would have dreams of the strange appearance of stairs in a sidewalk or the twisted turnings of one path leading to another.

it was a spot where i took that question of wealth, and buried it. same as i took the question of love, and buried it in the sand of oxnard shores.

i think that life has its bare minimum. like if i broke my coffee mug, then i would seek to replace it as soon as possible. or if i lost my living space, i of course would look to secure something again as soon as possible.

but beyond that — i think that gratifying the hunger for money, only increases the hunger for money. there really is no way around that. one can set higher standards for the “bare minimum” required to live — but that’s about it.

and being the practical person i am, i gravitated to whatever i decided took less upkeep. i’m not even sure about those choices, but thing is i have a hard enough time as it is. i have absolutely no idea how i would have continued onward with a marriage and a full house to keep up and maintain. i don’t see any way that would have not ground me into the ground until i was screaming for release.

so life is not too complicated for me. i own my own time, and spend it where i think it will do the most good. physically i’m pretty bad off, and a lot of that is due to medications i take to make OTHERS feel better about my “mental illness.” i’m not quite sure how to get around that. i understand that i am barely tolerable, even with the medications.

i have to move slower to be seen. that’s what they do. but it leaves me with all this musculature that is not used how it should be used. and over the years i have not been able to find one sport that worked everything to its best. would only create imbalances. though swimming came close. swimming was actually a good answer. but the threat of infection from bacteria in common pools had to rule that out for me.

i am like a sponge .. the buggies love me. so i take medication to slow it all down, and hope that simply going on walks is enough to keep my motor running.

i could think that i need to buy a house with my own pool. i’ve thought about that. i did the math on how much saving it would take. concluded that it was not worth the deprivation.

so here i am … in the best of all possible worlds.

if i decided i needed to win a large sum of money to make it better than best, then i’m not sure what that could even be, see?

i need to save money to move to arizona — mainly because the senior centers have pools for water aerobics, and i might get a chance to keep my body going a bit longer than it otherwise would. swimming pools in that kind of climate have much less chance for bacteria growth.

with standing water here, you get a result like the salt lake. even the river and streams have a “marshy” hue to them. oh well….

money isn’t really going to fix any of that. and i need to save money for a move to arizona. but it’s the “saving” part that i need most. the willingness to save for a goal, that’s one thing i’ve kind of avoided.

and it’s a skill or willingness to put off gratification for an aim of some kind. only excuse if have, is that i learned very early that you could walk out your door one day and be dead. so long-term planning was really not something i ever worked to perfect.

and lots of money dumped in my lap never seemed like the right way to go. grandmother always wanted to win those sweepstakes. but she never did. i think she just pretended wanting to win –to throw me harder in the other direction. the woman was a genius at reverse psychology.

it’s a small world after all: abyss the wraiths of eden

if you want to understand a culture better, play its video games ….

so this one was called abyss
the storyline contained a lot of backstory that you don’t even see
like arriving late at the party
the idea was an engineered paradise had a rebellion and then the rebels got trounced by a third supernatural group of demons that tried to possess the rebels.

it’s a little confusing as to whether the rebels destroy the paradise before or after the demon possession.
and not much reason given as to why it was torn apart
the puzzles were ok … i was able to do them all
it’s interesting the different levels and type of puzzle-testing … the differences were that each focused on different problem-solving skills.

the best game-stories come from norway/finland/sweden — guess you could say the viking territories. the best villains in video games come from japan. china and asian-based is just plain confusing when it comes to a storyline. will say something like “the girl picked the flower and poured tea from its sap” … well, it’s hard to describe. they might be original but the events are always disjointed and all over the place.

the eastern european or slovak games, like this one, enjoy mazes and movement. tight fixes and puzzles. overall themes involve oppression by a government that turns into some kind of bad end result. or that seems to be a favorite.

but thing about it, is playing video games created by a different culture can give some insight to them. one of the things with the eastern european/russian is that they do not have any problem with making a puzzle unfair … or making the story-path so ridiculous that there is no way to determine the next move without checking a cheat sheet or hint. so the pattern is to make someone feel stupid by being “in the know” or the one creating — and then hand answers when asked — ? i’m probably reading too much into it.

the thing about playing video games produced in other countries, is that they can write it all in english, but they are not english stories. yet part of the influences of american movies and tv come into play. so it’s like a filter that shows what impressed the most.

i imagine most eastern european and russians are better problem-solvers. the puzzles in a video game like Abyss, probably have roots to very old puzzle games. one common thing is to have something become worse the harder you work to make it perfect. and the only way to win is to let go of conscious control and mindlessly pull it into the correct order. so that in itself is a theme — the best laid plans of mice and men. a methodic way of solving a problem is not going to work. you cannot plot a method. the method is to let go and allow the subconscious mind to format solutions.

this is an old game, or the framework for it is old. it’s two-dimensional. and relies on hotspots and active fields. they did an ok job of wiggle-room … where you could go backwards or explore the various scenes out of order without too much distortion. the people talking are kind of funny, very old game-standard of a jaw just moving up and down.

it has a publish date of 2012, but i would have guessed 2003 … am seeing it mentioned with “big fish games” and that’s a bad outfit. but when installed by windows store, is relatively safe. it worked well in the windows 10 environment. not buggy in any way.

it’s kind of a stupid kid’s game, and most american kids would get bored. but i kind of appreciated the work that went into Abyss. not a smooth gaming experience, and certainly old-fashioned, as well as a sort of strange storyline. but the makers were obviously working within the restrictions of using that particular cheaper old-fashioned game engine. and they didn’t do a bad job with it for a 2D first person game built in flash rather than directx or 3d rendering.

so to conclude — it’s foreign, it’s weird, and the puzzles are both simple and aggravating at the same time. but i don’t regret spending the few dollars to play it from start to finish. if anything it sure beats the smartphone pay-as-you-go games that they have out now, where it’s just going from one level to the next with no real direction and repetitive as all get out.


are humans worth salt on this rock we call home

it’s more than any sane person could stand. good thing i’m crazy?

now when i watch a video clip of one of the many trump “rallies” — i look at the people in the crowd they always show behind the speaker. i examine the faces and try to see what it is, some kind of tell for those that would readily shout “lock her up!” and more recently, “hang her in the streets!”

i want to know what kind of human becomes a lynch mob.

honestly have not had the opportunity to study one, though have seen singular instances of sadism many times. the mob effect is one that is known historically, but in my lifetime has never been played out in full view for all the world to see. though of course, we’ve seen the mobs screaming “death to america” from the middle east enough times over the years. mob justice. but in the united states is something a little new.

so i study the faces. they have a hunger written on them, as if it is an audience waiting to see a strip-tease turn into a full on-stage live sex show. their juices are boiling, eyes shiny and practically popping out of the heads. one man stands out, because he is not moving at all and wears a bit of a scowl. the rest are moving in all kinds of ways, barely able to contain themselves.

it’s the crowd that perhaps would fit better into the roman colosseum, waiting to thrill at a blood bath. they are white faces, of course. a lot of blond hair showing. if lipstick is there, it is bright red. hats and sign-cards. but it is the movement that interests me, the erratic nature of the crowd that could maybe be some kind of clue or tell to indicate a particular “group mind” which then forms itself into the historical lynch mob.

is this candidate not a serious candidate at all, but with a goal of only going town to town and spreading hate as if it were a gift for all to enjoy? i wonder. i sort of wonder and think about what kind of vulnerabilities exist in the population. of course the facets of human violence are there and do not disappear simply because we have entered a ‘newer’ age of justice that does not involve mob-justice and lynch mobs.

but for the most part, i have noted that none have really missed it. that communities seem more at peace and happier to have a real justice system, rather than one ruled by the mob. so the hunger written on faces interests me. is it something grown, or something innate? is it a vulnerability that rests solely in one “type” of race or facial features? what kind of similarities are there to mark this proclivity to fall away from a justice system while embracing mob rule?

it is a problem with numbers, of course. can’t do the math. the idea that those in proximity to them, voice a similar thing will then make that thing correct. because they can’t do the math and realize the scope of actual USA population. it doesn’t enter into any calculation. so we have this video footage to study, of mass delusion taking place. and i do believe part of the inherent flaw or vulnerability is capability of math.

if our instructional method has failed overtly, would be in the area of math. i think. there is the stop-gap of multiplying only up to a certain amount that is memorized (12×12). it’s possible that that stop-gap prevents any real indication of actual population numbers. i myself have to mentally go back to the times i’ve looked out the window of a plane on the approach to a large city.

to have a picture or idea of the “vastness” of humanity … it only really registers with that aerial view of house upon house upon house and communities that stretch as far as the eye can see.

the same issue comes across over the internet, where the actual number or possibility for numbers online is limited to what shows up in your immediate circle. it might be considered a “slice of life” — but the groups can be so small that even one disparity will set off conclusions as incorrect.

representatives …. online circles can be a matter of having your own group of united nations members with their own representatives. but to have any real grip of the massive nature of actual population — must remember that view from an airplane. must do the fraction, of 1 person in a million. or 2 million or 1 out of 100 million. and so in not doing the math, it’s the ratios and fractions that are falling short. obviously. and that is the same lack that then plays into a plus for gambling, because too many do not know how to do the math. calculating odds does not enter into most educations.

i’m just kind of ruminating. wanted to make this a one-two punchy write. but it kind of goes its own way into attempting a deeper dive. plus i’m going with the supposition that mob rule is bad and court justice is good. though i do believe that one of the cornerstones of civilization — and specifically OUR civilization — is the justice system. and to see that eroded by one man on a quest is a bit unnerving.

did i ever tell you i wanted to be a lawyer when i grew up? yep, my hero above any and all was perry mason. while digging weeds in the garden, i pretended they were cases and i was following leads….it’s just a dream that never got to come true.

i think the most beautiful thing to evolve out of the USofA is her justice system. to me it is a beauty unmatched by anything else man has done or accomplished. and so to see mob rule and screams of “lock her up!” become common place is almost more than i can stand.

good thing i’m crazy? good thing crazy is not too far above taking a break from politics now and then, to say a prayer to the almighty that something saves us. but from looking into those faces of the trump crowd, studying them to try and decide what kind of animal we are looking at ….would have to say there is nothing much left to save.