remainders of mathematical paradise

10 ways to diagnose a blue screen of death
finally boots to the XP
before diving into the failure

everything screaming hardware failure
yet how many parts can you replace
before deciding the programming
remains a mystery?

wounded drivers a sick reflection
of inept control
i see the patterns and
think how normal people
just press a power button

yet normal in this case
in every case
means simply majority
or the majority simple
within complex nature of circuits
so many things can take wrong paths…
console myself with
angry probability of miracles
time ignored
discovery holds greater roots
how does consistency compete?

blank comparisons
that are actually contrasts
difference key to
settling all alike
however into the furthermore
the greatest gaps consider function
for a larger part of desire

one and yet extremes within the whole
happy designed congruent to miserable
every individual view resplendent in its own awakening

many ways to find answers
yet every way to direct a question
is it only me?
each time i want greatness
part of my brain
remembers how the sand gets everywhere
and yet a beach is so much more than sand…

and i think of kindness
what it means to put yourself in someone else’s shoes
how our aching world gives overt opportunity
to decide faith is only luck

thing is … there are many ways around
what is only human
yet so many ways into
what is better than the next survival

i give it my all?
we all do
though at some point would have to confess
that no
i keep reserves
i note patterns and decide what is
best
for me as well as others

if all for others
how does one march into eternity
without a tighter and tighter spiral of bitter?
bitter grapes bitter grasp
though the formula is clear
an open mind is what every simple doctrine
requires
yet what does that mean?

so i see this person and that
decide which i admire and which i
think no, not so much
and then go the other way

so are we all reactive opposites?
and this
this is what creates the greater part
of seeing all in holographic fractal completion

what is growing? (rast)?
the inevitable nature of repetition
and yet each quality of despair becomes unique

and in that i am encouraged by even worst outcomes
a blue screen of death is something every programmer dreads
yet … i dread more my nagging question
what are computers FOR?

it must function well
it must function well!
what is the function again?

every kind part of me … an inner dialog
will note interactive spirals and touchings
the formation as it settles into information
identical sparks wishing for something
beyond group redaction
exact timings from one to the next (space)
intervals and gradations
all a made-up gift of man’s mind
within (our) collective insanity we call control…

how does a simple statement bring peace?
oh it is company
nothing more … where sometimes a better guest
is a shadow
glimmers of twilight speaking benevolence

so give me a perfect computer
and i will ask “where did you put my world?”
and therefore it is the fault that goes on as original
task

it is the imperfection that is the best part of
existence
even though we argue that to shore up the sides

my legacy would counsel productively predictive wariness
except that life is anything but
the next time you have to stand up to take a bow

remember how they made fun of us with wind up, clapping monkeys?
remember sand is not the beach
remember life (God) is not the self (that’s kind of the point)

remember perfection is masked in redundant possibility
like success
it lives in the clouds
and we stand on the ground

why?
i guess because it’s there

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linear facets of division under stress

fences are not something i believed (in)
because they are for climbing
getting over
going beyond

next day the hope is better
it was not on purpose
every part of that separation
a frame into a straightened vortex
cells of jailed consequence…

climb each fence and see tomorrow
walk the lane
tunes are game
but settled

i would worry
but there’s not a strong or weak
only those who do and do not seek
solitude has its peace
other side is always green
home has a call
and call a home

past conflict clean
rehearsed forgiveness
you are every smile
and every smile is you

dead things

how to contort
into ends of worthy blight
the dawn is not what we thought it
truth was always leaving
next chapter began yesterday
and i forgot who i was

a few times

how does the wind
fly and pull
animate even the lowest
entire fields alive

yet dead

give me a reason and i will love you forever
give me the world
and i will let the universe go
place feet carefully on a path and cry because
how to tell him that wishes were so long ago

dried up and a living beauty
i see them as something once beheld

within the cusp

iris moon d├ęcor
at the coast gala
marvy crazed umpire
dopes gamy lute
jimply mote
laces moister mattes
sound blip fades emir
beige oaks
swig loanable gold
demos rent jets
pin revokes marque
gyms sway fats
modern rafters
elicit plower harm
soul hoofs lion value

from the scrabble games this week …
a motley join
it was not the worst accident
but the worst time
i was on my way to dance
on the husband’s grave…
no, literally
had the boombox
the song picked out
had an idea on how to get to the graveyard
but driving distracted
it happens
didn’t notice exactly how bad the driver
behind was
noticed he was tailing me for miles
right on my bumper
i realized that had missed a turn
so there was a three-way intersection
with a turn lane that went into
the field
i wasn’t going to do that so pulled
into turn lane to make the
U-turn

as i went into the u-turn
the one tailgating
went into the oncoming lane
flew into the front of my vehicle
spinning it around and totally
crushing the front end

why wasn’t he passing on the right?
(i always use turn signals)
good question
couldn’t say
his large truck
only received a small dent on the fender
my bmw was effectively killed

an illegal Mexican with no insurance
when the county police got there
started chatting with the other driver
in Spanish
so i didn’t know what they said

AND even though i explained how the
accident happened
the officer wrote it up incorrectly
citing me as the one at fault

now i didn’t fight it because i was dealing
with having no car
and in talking with my own insurance agent
decided the stress was not worth
it

maybe that was a mistake
though i noticed in the formal report
that the uninsured illegal
was required to show up in court
for having no insurance

so felt a little justice happened

something rang a bell
maybe talked about both the back
and the car accident in the same conversation
and though i believed my back injury
from the heavy couch
that you said it was probably the accident

i think i remember that
got a bit of
memory flash on that

thing is i don’t know
just woke up one day and could not move
had to crawl around the apartment
for a few days
and when finally got to where could
walk again
went and had an MRI

three discs
bulging
in the lumbar region
one really bad
the other two not so bad
on this one i got
the official computer printout
with the exact amount of bulge
my trust of doctors is famously nada nichts
though i’m sorry
but the “physical therapy”
really was a joke
as in beyond the useless to
where they might have injured it more
so i only went for little over a month

decided for the amount of money they were getting
that it was insane how little they put into their craft

for about two years
the back was going out periodically
where i was crawling around the apartment again
so that was all around 2005-7

but then i devised my own method
of chiropraction
where adjust my own back to make it functional

and no longer suffered from
the debilitating pain where i could not walk at all

yet now with recent problems
the foot neuropathy
and stabbing pains in left hip
i am wondering if i did more harm than good
by forcing the spinal bones back into place
it’s all a give and take

so trying a new approach
that involves traction on the spine
hoping to perhaps promote some healing
to those discs
so far
it’s just making the hip pain more frequent

but that might not be a bad indicator

will see

i have heard from church members
that newer techniques for back surgery
can be very successful
that they are not just fusing the bones
now

i still cringe at the expense
not to me for i have insurance
but it still takes money from elsewhere

and there is the risk of any surgery
there is also the fact that the medical community
at large
has not done me any favors over the years

so ….for now will see
but i’m relatively sure that
do NOT have MS like i suspected
since 2 years now and the numbing of toes
has not progressed up the foot
into the legs

diabetes is not a possibility
since one, blood sugar tests fine
and two, i have what is an over-production
of insulin
where if have too many sweets
it gives me a raging headache
the next day

so all in all
i should manage
it’s just that i did not count
on the degree of walking to the store
after moving to this new location
and how that would effect
my back to where i can’t
keep it in a non-pain state

we have discussed a bicycle
or other types of carts to carry groceries
but i have found it is the length of walking itself
even if i carry next to no groceries
still leaves me in agony next day
the roads here have no bicycle lanes
but they do have those giant thorns
to where repairing tires would be a constant thing

that’s about it
is actually nice to not be afraid of MS
at this point

i have also decided to move more slowly
that is both good, and bad
overall the constant pain is a little less
but it is the rule of motion
that what starts in motion stays in motion
the extra power i always put in my walk
would create a type of barrier
or block

yet that also is interesting regarding how
one is viewed by others
since i am a “larger” person
fast mobility on my part
creates degrees of uneasiness in others
that is interesting but when
walking home the other day
a very large man passed me
with the same sort of forward motion
i normally employ

and i could see where others
might view that as intimidating
or something out of the ordinary

also have thought on how
i have worked always at a top speed
to get the job done and save on time
and how “lackadaisical” has never been much
a part of how i go about things …

so that’s going to change
and even at church last sunday
pastor asked “you are moving slowly?!
everything ok?”

most people would have slowed down at the start
i guess i just did what i could to manage

is now a wait and see
and don’t think this is karmic
reprisal for wanting to
dance on someone’s grave …

he really deserved it

and i deserved the feeling of
overcoming a person who harmed my life

as i was saying…

what if a good deed
a person gave a gift to a second
person, that caused the second person
to think twice when considering suicide
then the first person swore at a tv
so a car dropped on them
leaving them in utter misery
for three days before they died
but the person with the gift remembers kindness
so a good act lives on
and once it reaches big enough good
to overcome the bad of swearing at the tv
how does karma undrop the car from them?

if a person teaches other people
to be good
does it work like a pyramid scheme
where they get a percentage
of all that good karma?

if a bad thing happens to you
right after a good thing happens
with no time in between to be either
good or bad
how can the bad thing be karma?

if only some things happen from karma
and the rest is happenstance
do the bad things count as time served?

if you are paying for a bad past life
then how is it possible to ever
have a good soul when misery leads to poor behavior?

if karma is supposed to take care of
and punish a person
but that punishment happens
by a second person robbing
and killing them… does that murderer
get bad or good karma for killing another?

if karma is in charge of the killing
is karma then charged herself with bad karma?

there is more, lots more
with conclusion of
nonsensical deity
if karma knows all causality
and makes changes for punishment
why can’t earlier changes be made to prevent
the bad behavior?

even human teachers are able to do that
if one human being is mean to another
and gets bad things happening (bad karma)
then beats his wife….is karma guilty
as an accessory to assault?

the idea of deserving reward or punishment
is very earthly concept
where that being which is in a position
of power
decides to reward or punish
as a means of control for future action

now if karma punishes and rewards all
then is not all action at this time
a fault of karma itself?

how often does punishment lead to better behavior
if there is no charge, no explanation of what the punishment is for?

if a person gets kicked by a second person
and the first person does nothing to stop them,
saying “karma will get them.” then when the second person
walks down the road farther and kicks a third person…

is it the first person’s fault? and therefore they deserved to get kicked
and were getting the bad karma they deserved?
does this mean the second person can go
around kicking everyone and not receive any bad karma?

if he does get bad karma, a piano drops on him —
does that fix all the people he kicked?

no….but if the first one he kicked
had stopped him instead of allowing
others to also be kicked….that would fix all the people
kicked, by preventing those wrongs.

so in this case, if karma is and were true
would it not be an evil demon,
perpetuating grief and chaos among mankind?

if so, should not karma
herself
be subject to more bad karma
than any human has ever known?

hunger itself, will create a centering
or narrowed perception that is proportionately
concerned more on the self
with less desire to see larger pictures
and larger cause and effect

belief in a caste system
creates different rules
for different levels of society

those making the rules
traditionally not having to live by the rules
this is what we call oppression

an oppressed society where injustice
is rampant and the oppressed
are set up to condone their own oppression

that is not just an oppressed society–
that is a doomed society

is a free society with justice for all
also free from karma?

i like to think so…if there is to be payback
let the person doing the paying back have the credit

if karma wants it, she’s going to have to fight me for it

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