standing for nothing in particular

i wish i was drinking, still.

stopped for no righteousness,
no pure desires;
no health reasons.

stopped because the alcohol
lost its effect–

turned into grape juice.
and expensive for only grape juice!

so i wish i was drinking, still.
wish alcohol worked anymore.

apparently my system decided that’s it,
and would no longer get drunk–
oh well.

i miss the reward system;
the feeling of being adult;
(i never finished rebelling)
and it’s a delicious feeling
…the smooth glass, the chill of ice;
the verification that I have arrived
to this milestone
that was so forbidden,

so scoffed…and every elegant person
drank,

but now no easy way
to sign off a prim wagon.

it’s like conscripted goodness,
when i truly would not have bothered
with this show.

part of me laughs
at being exemplary to state,
“sober for 5 years now!”–
like taking credit for shrugging;

for using the breast stroke on the herd
to keep your head above conformity.

sober is such a subjective concentration of belying condescention:
such a release of convoluted forgetfulness!
i was never NOT sober
when drunk.

it didn’t bother me to be less.

from schizophrenia to not giving a dam for minds stuck too long in floods of rising indifference

have known many schizophrenics, was even engaged to one. he believed his garden gnomes came alive at night. would see demons….generally the mentally ill you see walking the street and talking to themselves, are schizophrenic. I’ve seen treated schizophrenics that manage ok, but a lot of the medications cause them to move their legs or jiggle uncontrollably. and drool, and leave their mouth open. I heard at some point that they can tell by the structure of the middle of the brain? it’s like there is a bigger gap? very sad thing to deal with. many homeless people are schizophrenic. it really devastates families, most of the patients at state hospitals in long term care, are schizophrenic.

psychotic episodes are not exclusive to schizophrenia. manic depressives and bipolars can also have psychotic breaks. often, medication is tailored for both leveling and any symptoms of psychosis. there is also borderline personality disorder. knew friends diagnosed with that. bipolar is type 1 and 2. I think they have a 3 now. the mental health here used to give a class on all of it. and sort of the practical version, not like taking psychology classes in college. Scientology does some interesting youtube videos on mental illness….lol. for the most part, I’ve seen a LOT of over medication. had friends that were taking upwards of twenty pills a day. I am not exaggerating. the consensus is that therapy and medication are better than just medication. and that therapy can have more far-reaching effects. but for schizophrenia, I think it is brain damage of some kind, and mostly all they can do is try to limit the hallucinations through medication.

there is basically no such thing as degrees of schizophrenia, you are or you aren’t. the biggest symptom is hearing voices, but unlike what many believe, hearing voices means outside of your own body, like someone invisible is in the room speaking. it is not hearing your own voice in your head speaking. that is normal, and I think they call that self-talk.

I’ve had racing thoughts before, and it’s very distressful. but is not like something where you wonder if you are having racing thoughts. you know you have racing thoughts. when I think about it, I have not had any since I gave up drinking alcohol 7 years ago. but basically, you can’t shut your mind off and don’t have the power to stop your own self-talk inside. I think I also was able through therapy, to realize the impact of fears. because racing thoughts are like your mind is babbling uncontrollably in fear.

but anyway….I have seen and known schizophrenics–and it is a particular type of mental illness that is considered sever enough to sometimes require extensive hospitalization. life gets crazy, and stressful for so many people. many times it is simply taking care of oneself, to get adequate sleep and eat right. every time I ever had severe trouble, I was not eating or sleeping for days…weeks. and then psychosis has to do with not enough dopamine in the brain.

I also believe fear plays key roles to mental instability, and have found while living alone, then any physical problem can quickly turn into mental out of an instinct to live…to find a way above that point of no return where too ill to take care of yourself.

anyway….I’ve studied quite a lot in the area of psychology and mental illness. I do think half the battle is tending to physical needs, such as rest and food. sometimes there are triggers, and if I develop problems, I go over any new products such as lotion or shampoo, different scents. have always been sensitive and allergic. it can be difficult, but I find it is much easier to maintain balance when not in a relationship, where they will try to make you feel you are always having problems. and then act like a go between with doctors, where I would feel like some kind of robot that was not performing well enough for them….that is very hard to deal with.

standing out from the crowd, always being considered different and “strange” — is, in itself, one of the largest hurdles of ‘mental illness.’ and that is why i fight and often pose decent arguments as to how it really comes down to diagnosing people that are not liked or do not fit in, as having a defect or mysterious illness. the stigma, which is actually discrimination for those who are different or seem odd and not conformed enough to societal ideals — that discrimination is part of the problem in the first place. security, and having acceptance in a family or society, can be a large part of problems that lead to mental illness.

when people keep in their minds, that I am mentally ill, they treat me how they feel you should treat the mentally ill. and I will drop out of those friendships. you pack your bags and move. find a new job, a new city where you can be treated like a normal person. luckily for me, enough people are now getting medication and diagnosed, that it’s not like it was. for the most part, I can be upfront and not get discrimination. eh….life has not been easy. but I have been in the position to help a lot of people in mental health centers. I try to think of that as God using me where I could do the most good. but some days I wish I had been given a “normal” life.

and it is tempting, to think — at least i’m not THAT! i’m not one of those schizophrenics! and that is just another ladder on the pecking order of my life is more normal than your life. my mind is better than your mind. my life is better than yours! oh yes, and it makes me ashamed when i think that way. for the most part, i think there are not enough answers, considering the level of diagnostics available for everything else. aside from that, i think it is important to see people as people. to look at another, and observe their soul. not some preconceived notion of that person set apart — the crazy that means you are “normal.” the normans were bastard invaders. we shouldn’t have been trying to emulate them in the first place. lol … but as far as conforming goes — i don’t have answers. except that it helps to pay attention to the little social things that make people comfortable. it helps to see others as thoughtful beings. if you expect the worst, you are going to get the worst.

i have been through a lot. seen so many in different states of mental breakdown. but it is the same as when i worked as a nurse — the patients knew i SAW them, the person that was every bit as important as any. you see the soul, you love who they are. i don’t know how to explain it. but i know that it can pull someone back from that ledge of alone-ness. when they see that you see them. i have been through so much and determined so many things. it does come down, to taking care of yourself in a forthright way. putting your needs first, in many cases. but also, trying to have an honesty with yourself regarding how you are doing, and how your life is going or not going.

it’s not easy, and not for anyone. i don’t reserve tough lives only for the mentally ill. i sometimes think that the mentally ill have a step up on things, because they have taken time to learn and develop higher coping skills.

what is different about me, is i remember my years of not being mentally ill. i remember having “a life” and how i was so busy, probably couldn’t even tell you who the president was. i worked and made money and never questioned … i never questioned. so now i do. can’t say if that’s good or bad, but it has lead me to a place where i look at things very differently than others. i don’t assume the “correctness” of any conformity or socially accepted mannerisms and norms. actually judge on an entirely different level.

i don’t know if that is good or bad. sometimes, i wish is was back into a busy life, with no time to look at things and wonder. eh …… come see, come saw. 🙂 i have fought long and hard for understanding, through my writings. to make others see that there is not that big a difference, and that sometimes it’s like mental illness doesn’t exist at all. got any idea how hard that piece of knowledge hit me? when i ran over the lines from the wizard of oz — and just took on the entire reality that ALL of medicine is made-up names? that it all is basically a very large con, going on for years. and that the only proof of any good of medicine, is if they heal.

and i’ve had to heal myself. not that i have given others much chance at it for decades, now. but it’s all pretty much one of those doors you open, that you can’t just shut again. i can’t pretend i don’t know that. i can’t pretend that i don’t know, that the reason they are always “discovering” new illnesses, is because those 3 illnesses used to be one illness. and they looked a little deeper, and found more. and tomorrow, they will look a little deeper, and find more. and the tomorrows after that, they will look deeper and find more — until the one illness, that was cured with a spoonful of sugar — now takes 60 different medications for 40 different made-up names. and it never gets cured.

and that’s the cynic in me — but yea. that’s basically how it works. so the diagnosing of mental illness, is basically a form of dealing with people that are having freak-outs. and the thing with schizophrenics, or those showing that degree of freak-out — is that it is at a stage kind of past the point of no return. i’ve gone out — and back in. crazy and freak-out time — and then back to where i’m reasonable. or fairly so. i still like to unsettle others, sometimes. just because it’s interesting and makes for a difference. i try not to manipulate, and i try to be honest and forthright. i guess the thing many people never see in me, is how much i care.

that’s kind of strange, but that is the thing. that’s it in a nutshell. people don’t want someone that is strong and who cares — they want someone who is weak that they can take care of. someone that is dependent, and makes them necessary. hmmmmmmm ………. so why don’t the mentally ill ever get any sympathy? they mostly get scorn, and lots of it.

i wonder about that a lot. but has something to do with what i was talking about earlier, sets and subsets. and trying to place others in a subset away from yourself, so that you can be the “anti” of whatever it is. and so, for the most part — those who crave and yearn to call people like me crazy? they are the ones doubting their own sanity the most. and so i try to have sympathy with them. i never feared my own insanity. and that’s the difference. it doesn’t scare me, only what people will do to me scares me. but i don’t fear GOING insane. i mostly think of it all as biological, and consisting of finite parameters.

and i’ve seen miracles. i’ve prayed, and asked for rest, and rest came. i had a mother of many children, and illegal mexican immigrant on a farm — pray with me, and put a blanket over me and it was like all the anxiety evaporated and i was able to rest. so there are miracles, and there is a God, even if it is only in your own head. that’s what i believe. matter itself, is an ever-folding and moving solution … a mixture of life and death and expression.

eventually, we all get old. and most who get very old, eventually lose some part of their mind. they live in memories, or find other ways to cope. and i don’t see that as an illness, i see that as inevitable. what surprises me, sometimes — is when i think how my life is shortened. has been, from the damage of being used as a guinea pig one too many times for the next great revelation in pills. and i sort of cry quietly to myself. like i lost something, and i don’t know what. and i’m more afraid of those tears. there is something about self-pity that is unnerving. but also, it’s a different kind of crying than i’ve ever had for others that died.

a very childish thing. to sit and feel sorry for myself. but i don’t think it’s wrong, just a little out of whack. better to worry about what you can do with the time you have.

the mind … is a tricky thing. i like how it is explained in this book i have — that we have a mind, a spirit, a soul, and a body. four things that make up what humans “are.” the book is over a century old. so what have we learned? treat the mind, by drugging the body and ignoring the soul, while crushing the spirit.

i’m just not sure that’s the best method to success, is all. and i don’t know that schizophrenics are that much different. sometimes a spirit needs to be free. sometimes the ties that bind the four together are too strong or too weak. i have pictured myself going completely over the edge and staying there. pushing around a shopping cart, and yelling at strangers. the difference, is i know the mind part and the avenues where that becomes reality. i know exactly what to fear.

shutting down, is easy now. it’s caring about anything that’s hard.

and please tell me again why every politician should be trumpian and full of such grace?

the idea that democrats lost, so they should be more like trump — is absurd. i just want to make that clear. because there seems to be a misunderstanding on what “winning” is.

winning is not giving up your ideals, to be like those you scorn. i find that to be an interesting request, and would be more interesting if that scorn were not deserved.

no, the crazy, insane right that has gone alt-right and around the bend, over the woods into crazy-land the alt-universe with alt-facts for true believers of alt-reality — they just want company on their journey. i like plain politicians.

boring politicians. politicians you wouldn’t pay to see in a MILLION years. because those are the kind that sit behind the desks and get the work done.

i don’t want stars. i don’t want rally-leaders. i don’t want yelling, rabble-rousing, insanity. i want BORING government. government i can count on to be tedious and thorough. none of this going off half-cocked, “i wonder what will happen when i do THIS.”

bloody idiots. boring. bored. tedious. mundane. i want government SO slow, it risks going in reverse. i want it completely un-entertaining! i need my government to be dull. dull. dull. and no, this is absolutely no “trend” in politicians to follow — if we get a whole tribe of trumped up politicians now, it’s time to get out the knitting needles for a front row seat …

boring. dull. undeniably snoozed. you can take your winning ways and shove ’em where the sun don’t shine. i want completely dull politicians. ones that don’t yell at all, would be nice. no rally cry, no getting all excited up there. keep your calm. keep people calm. it’s kind of the idea.

tedious … mundane. absolutely no draw whatsoever. behind desks, running things so they don’t fall apart. that’s what i want. this is not a circus. this is people’s lives.

you want a concert, go see a concert. a ball game, go to that. you want religious zeal, find a dang church. don’t go looking for your extremism in politics. politics needs to be boring! dull. extremely and thoroughly uninteresting. like the news was, when you were ten and your great uncle guy didn’t have time to take you fishing before dinner but you whined and pleaded with him anyway.

we don’t need government hopping and be-bopping all over the place like celebrity news. don’t need an even BIGGER crazy to beat the crazy already in the whitehouse. we are NOT going to get into a contest on who can out-crazy each other.

boring, dull, humdrum … monotonous. tedium. i want so much tedium, i can sleep to it.

if it’s part of the insides the green eggs and ham are two different pathologies

You don’t want to get in a biblical argument with me, I went to Lutheran school. The bible was shoved so far down my throat, I don’t know where it lives now.

Was actually glad when the living bible came out, in plain English and just the new Testament. Not that it was the best, but it gave me a place to start for better translation of old English. Though nothing is perfect, and these days I check the verses in king James when the translated one doesn’t make sense…..

And I’m not sure what that means? But I still remember Matt C., whose dad was a doctor, saying the bible was God’s book of fairy tales. That was seventh grade at Lutheran school, and I remember he played basketball. The boys all got taller than me that year, and beat the rival Catholic school by a mile.

But between memorized verses, and catachism, and church itself, where they methodically went through the entire bible in the readings every four years or so (leaving out Leviticus and Revelations)….you just don’t want to get into a bible-based argument with me. Somebody prays outloud too long, and I’m thinking of the lesson Jesus told about the silent woman versus the loud Pharisee (or Sadducee). And just as a funny note, if you speak that into Dragon, it writes “there is an insurgency” ….I love technology.

It’s not that I consider myself the best student. But at a certain point of repetition, you just go, “ok, already.” And by the time I was handed my confirmation bible with my name on it in gold letters, I never needed to crack that book again. Though I have, and even disgraced it with a bit of highlighting….

I don’t come off as a “bible person” because it’s not just the bible. If I start giving out bible quotes to uphold weak arguments, you’re going to see me throw in some Shakespeare….and some Dr. Seuss. And the author of ALL the Wizard of Oz books, and The Lord of the Rings, and maybe even Game of Thrones if he ever gets to finishing it.

The study of the parable is vast, and the only problem is that life isn’t long enough to get them all. You don’t worry about that kind of thing when you’re younger. Just read and read. Apply the lessons–move to the next. You get older, and suddenly realize you’re running out of time. Begin to wonder if there is a library in heaven…

So I woke up this morning, and in my huffy way, thought “no, you don’t want to get into a bible argument with me!” And I thought having it still lodged in my gut somewhere was kind of funny. But in a way, it is.

So that’s why I say life is too short. And it’s kind of too short to be getting into bible arguments in the first place. Never heard anyone argue if aragorn was more of a king or more of a healer. I would have chosen healer, and they left that part out of the movies entirely.

A story is the way of looking at how others react. So I went ahead and got up, got myself a cup of tea, still chuckling over the image of a bible lodged in me somewhere. I sat down to write…on the tablet, because I’m lazy. And the desk is for important things. I’m not important, not in the least.

Just enjoying my cup of tea, wondering if the sun is even up. And I call myself dumber than dumb, of course the sun is up. I just can’t see it, am looking too far in instead of out. Looking back instead of forwards, wondering where the time has gone? But of course, it’s right here. Ticking on top of the bible and making the warm tea taste awfully good.

for the round of potatoes in american do-si-does errupted

it’s not often i get to make a nice, beef stew. often the price of beef ranges higher, but it’s also because much easier to throw what is left of a chicken into a stewpot.

so i found some good beef on sale, and chopped it up — added vegetables that were getting a little old. you just clip out the bad parts. and it is bubbling on the stove nicely, on this sort of gloomy day. funny how the sun is wonderful, and invigorating. but the rain is necessary for any and all of the beauty.

so can’t regret clouds. just make a nice batch of stew, and settle in for a comfortable day of reading.

i get a little overwhelmed with the issues. but i kind of think it’s like using the vegetables you need — cut out the bad parts. put things together, even experiment with ingredients. did you know that peanut butter works nicely in pork stew? a dash of this, a shake of that.

the final moment is when you raise that spoon to your mouth, close your eyes and sip. think what it might need or what it doesn’t need, or if it is perfect.

you can get too fussy, and ruin a perfectly fine stew by adding too many flavors. there is a balance to all artistry, i think. that point where colors will jumble and blend, to become mud brown. i do like the peaceful sound of something cooking on the stove, the smell of the house — onions and so forth. i breathe a little deeper.

it’s gloomy out. the rain will begin, soon. patters, and then pools. i type my thing, my reasoning that looks a little worn, at this point. needs a little fresh rain itself i should think.

but i look out the window at the day, and it’s good. wouldn’t change a thing.