beyond survival

heck it doesn’t pay
to admit you’re tired
i remember the good ol’ days
following grandma through the parking lot
the shining stadium in the distance

grandma didn’t believe in shuttles
and by the time we found our seats

metal chairs ranging off into the distance
we didn’t care that you could barely see the field

this was the Dogers!

home of the doger dog
which we were never allowed to get
except once i think

it was my birthday
and i used lots of relish
and it made me sad

no difference really than the ordinary sort
not sure what i was expecting

but anyway
the sky is blue today
with a white that will clench your heart
and burn it cold

doesn’t pay to admit you’re tired
down to the very bone
where prophesies ache

light and distance will dance for the storm
the rush of winter
slamming its own angry fist

it will run you indoors
cursing cigarettes
cursing

and loving home

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distance

the morning belt of determined clouds
thwarts the rise of a forgiving sun
the turn of leaves
noticed
for the first time

small and inconsequential
they drift beneath a sheltering tree
as i sip my coffee
the cold bites a little

and i sigh
because anger forgot the meaning of it all

redemption screams a silent core

don’t let myself be lonely you know
sometimes it hits me
and i wonder about the point of such a
solitary existence

the night becomes like a sticky bath
of bundled remorse

i remind myself
such is choice

the many times i decided to leave
the heartbreak i caused equal
to the price of my freedom

i don’t feel lonely
really i don’t
but sometimes

loneliness becomes one question
a tangled collar of inquisition
was i wrong?

how worthy does a man need to be
were there any reason
beyond
what i hope for in your eyes

lonely would ache pleasantly
a balm for the broken heart
a melody within reach
my world refuses to dream

a counted day
minute to minute
until our two silences meet

lonely would be the suffered
a suffered sacrifice

forever sweet

but this night
oh this night

is what drives men to drink
it’s what stops a woman in her tracks
curled up on bitter bones
to think

answers for now

time to be a child
a clean approach at heart
a wisdom that only knows delight

when i touch this world
it will be in wonder
it will be a spirit that has gone the distance
ran the race
followed with angry feet
to dissolve into first place

to be owning a hand
that touches worn skin
beneath your eyes
and knows

power absolved into one brow
will settle beyond lines of frustration

but no
i dream of real existence
to live in a time warp of absolution
to worship the beginning once again

a child
yes

i will be the if
to your when

i will soar on wings of forgetful youth
i will take a burning household backwards
rage between the cusp
of tomorrow’s yesterday

a smile to balance everything
a song that knows how to play

a reason to be pure to your eyes

mean hook

i am the silencer
anger personified
for some…
then i go and try

fuck i try
explain ten times
and baited 10 times
to put his name in a message

try to be nice
play and make laugh
again
baited to be made
slap because deserved

and then betrayed
stabs
but i’ve got one fucking tough back
and i stab front to kill

anyone out there?
anyone real?
any type of world that doesn’t have a problem
with
heart

i told her
he likes me because i can kick his ass
and i love him because he taught me how

and they still don’t get it

loyalty means more than principal
and if you lose

me
then where does principal land from begin

so it takes the weekend
the silencer
and then
everyone sees what’s left

i am not alone
and guess who’s here?