where the pillars were salty screams

i don’t know
try to find the answers
get stuck somewhere between what can be understood
by me
and what will be understood by the non-me

there are too many variables
to make ratios out of convergence

one role after another roll
the only thing necessary is a matter
a conjunction
a particulation …of respect

how do we flow toward comprehension or freedom?

oh no … it is not something anyone controls by calling
the next move

what is comfort?

i like having coffee first, if i can
a prelude to the rude breakfast

and still remember – have the images engraved on my soul
of the found living skeletons in concentration camps
the question of exactly how much starvation kills? because it
did not kill quickly there
no … that was an unnatural sight

that is what comes to mind when i contemplate
how many lies are probable
concerning the details of health
what we consider bodies
culminations of temple or torture

all you have to do to lose weight is eat the same thing
day after day
that’s all
it’s the same with animals
if you feed them variety, they gain
if you put them on same
they lose

bodies balance out when they know what to expect
i’ve known that since i was 16

the trick is to be fat enough to ward off males
but not so fat as to draw taunts…

that’s all. what are YOUR priorities?
mine are survival, and i never saw playing
on looks as a winning game
(bow out when you can, with excuses of the
poor critter that is just not good as you
all at this thing…)

everyone grows old and the skin sags
you either accept that
or you don’t

it never matters what the world sees as valuable
it’s what you see in yourself as valuable

when my blood pressure registered as normal
i did not question what it WAS
now i question if it isn’t reversed
less pressure will push past the squeeze
and it’s the heart has less power as it ages
to combat the device measuring it

i’m not sure it matters if not challenged
it’s like saying my head hurts when i hit it
and your answer is to take aspirin

the problem is the industry covets its knowledge
so all knowledge it eagerly offers is suspect

how you hold your actions as necessary
or fruitless

mostly i wake up and tackle the day one impulse at a time
search to uncover that glowing trail
the part of following or finding

interactions …
don’t be so fascinated that you pause too long

the best laid under-planning of ticks

it happened when i looked at tomorrow as not here yet
up until then, i attacked eternity like a general
plans repeated and made real by necessity
the sheep was a list
just the one day hour by hour
what should be accomplished
what could wait
no sleep until plans were done

you didn’t know me then
just as cynical
now i understand my cynicism

i think about returning to those ways
the innocence of one day at a time
groping forward

touching the stones that would build a castle

prying them apart
resetting reality
focus

now for sleeping
i tell myself to sleep
and obey myself in the space of a minute

turned downward
buried

no plan for tomorrow to make tomorrow come

… it shows up, anyway

a homeless shelter needs to be somewhere and how do we walk our streets: saturday sermon #2

they have to go somewhere, and nobody wants one near them. jails and homeless shelters. which makes you wonder, maybe the answer is to NOT NEED jails or homeless shelters.

hard to be angry at this era — this time frame. after all, it came up with the idea of cotton candy. and what about the smart phone? yet there is this sludge at the bottom of our innovation. this inability to innovate when it comes to those who do not “fit” into society. we have many ways of putting it. they have slipped through the cracks, they are off the grid, they are lost causes, they are hopeless, helpless, and looking for handouts.

and that’s the best! the worst in jail, will steal, they will kill, they will get themselves high. they will drive drunk, they will drive high, they will rape and kidnap. a lot of innovation since the original 10 commandments. but the solution is still death, a cage, or fine. did add community service. what else can we do?

nobody WANTS these people. and IF they are wanted, they are wanted so that they can be changed into something closer to the upstanding citizen. and so — if our jails are overflowing and the homeless are multiplying, what are the questions that should be asked?

the questions should be, how do you make a homeless person? and how do you make a criminal? maybe we should just stop making quite so many.

so instead of protesting that a homeless shelter is going up in your neighborhood, find out why homeless people are being made. what is the thing. did he go to high school? or are 80% of homeless men high school drop outs? that’s something we can find out. there has to be a pattern somewhere. more men than women are homeless. why?

and why is there a preference to be homeless? the chronically homeless. i can attest that there seems to be no pattern of race or physical distinction. all types from irish to german to african and south african to asian to indian. not seeing a pattern there. while for jails have long held a higher percentage of minorities, african americans and latinos. so how did they get there?

certainly, dropping out of high school and school are factors. but often, it could be the thing that caused the drop out–like dad lost his job, or violence in the household has erupted. perhaps the children have too many differences with their parents. perhaps they don’t even live with parents, and are being taken care of by a foster family.

the fact is, we have systems in place to handle various social problems. what percentage of criminals or homeless are coming from other systems? how have those systems failed?

human beings are a product of their environment. they are not born criminals, and not born homeless. but a very large percentage of criminals and homeless are from the lower class. a large percentage started out in poverty, and went down from there. so the issue becomes a class level. and the wish to not have a homeless shelter nearby, is the wish to keep the lower class outside the castle walls….

and i get that. there’s a practicality involved. nobody is going to invite a homeless shelter into their community, because it brings visions of pests. human-sized pests on the streets, constantly SEEN. these creatures off the grid, that for whatever reason, do not become a part of society and mock it somehow. they are a reminder we are not perfect. they tell us something. but it’s in a different language, and there is no understanding. rejects.

criminals and homeless … they are rejects. jails and homeless shelters … how we store our rejects.

and so it comes down to the question of perfection. the idea of fitting a mold, or conforming to norms. the behavior that establishes a predictability, and in that a way for many humans to live closely to one another with less trouble. the fact is, that urbanization and crowding has caused changes that eventually lead to increases in homeless and criminals. there isn’t a steep learning curve for milking a cow on the family farm.

as a woman, i can enter a church for the first time and not hardly cause a stir. i’m lucky if i’m noticed. but a man will always be approached, and sized up by the other males. we need to look at this, because from what i can tell, the number of chronically homeless males has to do with MEN who have kicked these ones out of their social groups. or never let them in. kicked like dogs, the homeless men have established their own social group. and at a level that is not just poverty, but a perceived poverty of spirit.

you can hang out with the homeless, talk with them regularly. listen to the stories, or even tell a few of your own. but you can’t ‘trust’ the homeless, eventually they will ask for money. if you lost your wallet, the homeless person is not going to return it. and we are down to what is the meaning of desperation? how is it created? the reason they bypass norms and even laws — is for survival. that needs to be looked-at.

and the process of setting certain groups of humans apart from others, also needs to be looked at. we assume that it is necessary. some will always break the laws. some will always fall into abject poverty. but what if there was a way to NOT have that? every single one, was a child once. every one. they didn’t decide they wanted to live in jails or homeless shelters. it happened to them. filtered to the bottom, and seen as a cross to bear. a point of shaming those in better positions. that’s where they function. “look at me, you don’t want to be like me.” and it inspires the lower and the middle class to try harder.

no, i don’t have any solutions. and no, there is nothing i can say against those who don’t want a homeless shelter or a jail in their neighborhood. though a jail is less objectionable, since the inmates are not seen walking about. a homeless shelter in a place like northern utah, is so that men and women won’t freeze to death in the winter. nobody wants one in their neighborhood. they need to be somewhere.

no, i don’t have an answer. only that it seems kind of wrong to object to housing those on the street, over the possibility that it will cause you to lose money. or cause a bad change to the neighborhood that everyone will regret. there’s something wrong about it, though we know how politics work. maybe the owner of the dancing crane went to one too many rallies for the lgbt at the capital. and then decisions are made to effect that neighborhood, where the store has been awhile. you never know with politics.

i don’t know what we are supposed to do with the rejects. i truly don’t. because maybe we shouldn’t have rejects at all. and isn’t that a thought. they were all kids once. they went to our schools, attended our churches. made sand castles on the beaches. blew out candles on a birthday cake.

there need to be some answers, because they didn’t get there on their own. and there is no such thing as a perfect human. could say some are more perfect than others, but even so. i don’t know the answers. am left puzzled like the rest of middle-class america. we did this to ourselves. i guess the question is how to undo it, and what haven’t we tried?

from the cradle to the graveside of every ambulated better

i know i am different
doesn’t work well in a world where different is always wrong

i am perfectly capable of seeing how i am not like others

but i also know the ellipse
the tangent
of gradual change

survival a motivation none escape
i remember entering the mind
that believes in death

a finality to every being
and the one thing i noted
before fleeing for my sanity
was that believing in death
leads to the loss of respect for other lives

… it breeds selfishness

whereas even a dreamed continuance
culminates in compassion?

it can
not an either or

i don’t think those that believe in death
can escape selfishness

but are all who appear selfish
too aware of their pending demise?
that i can’t know

only thing that was made plain
was that those who firmly embrace their mortality
do not only see death as their passing
but as the passing of the world
because they will no longer experience it

in some ways, believing in death is not believing in death

for death is not dismissed, simply transferred
to the understanding that all regenerates
that pattern and cycle exist

i know i am different
but will another exist who is exactly
like me? probably.

and am i not then, alive again?
part of not being selfish
is knowing you are not so different

therefore i mourn
to the pictures of characteristics
long passed away
i resurrect them

or i mourn and leave them dead

completely entering other minds is insanity
don’t get me wrong

sometimes truth outweighs self-preservation
curiosity

i know i am different
but was given a body that already
stood differently, above the crowds
i was teased long before
i learned to build a self-awareness
apart from likeness … i still remember the hurt

different is wrong
different is not fitting the mold
the molds that form every tombstone…
crying in straighter lines to the distance

to the unperceived

i found out knowing you will die
makes you a bigger ass

so i prefer dreams that capture me into
the grinding mill of earth herself

the days and nights of redemption spelling
one more try

if i am perfect, what can i be tomorrow?

so i hoard my imperfections
savor them…

i am different in the face of every death i ever viewed
in the face of every wrong doing
in the light of every good-grouping
i am different

and so i see beyond
to where all are the same

to how souls have limits
and motivations have lies
while manipulations contain more truths, and
more truths about the manipulator

i have been given time
can make one minute a day
speed the clock of my own thoughts….

i am different
we put the different animals in a zoo

need to think about that
at some point

what are you teaching?
other than that cruelty is common?

so many things
to wax and wane over implications
the teacher always teaches how to teach
, first

the leader must have followers
and bad leaders must have many followers

a born leader is not always a good leader

somewhere in that is humility
somewhere at the heart is the realization
that life eternal
is life that continues after you yourself are gone difference

being different
often means to most people
that you are wrong

but to survival
it means changing the tides
from different to ordinary

now many women see above the crowd
with heights greater than my own
we were not shamed to extinction

life goes on
there are many like me
now

ever changing
the difference on the inside

the human creature with their bilateral wit
comparing one half of themselves
to the other half
of themselves…

oh i laugh! at the doctors
that compare a bump on one side
with the other limb
to see if it is “normal”

don’t they have any knowledge?

of what should or should not be there
ask that matters is that it is balanced

…. trapped within concept

i do not walk around with a fear of death
the lack of time
would have me careless
and less caring

i am different
if you tell me i have a savior
i will ask you how i was lost
when lost is where you find yourself
on different roads
that need exploring
i seek wisdom
i always sought wisdom
sometimes i think that makes me the dumbest of all

i know i’m different
i don’t know that i’m better
i have the right to exist

i look at the pictures
the faces that have long been eliminated
the features that no longer
show in any gene pool

a family in poverty
in a sod house
standing children gripping their parents fiercely…
i know their like no longer walk this earth

eliminated
by man and his industrial revolution
i have very little tolerance
three damage far too great
those are the deaths i mourn

there are many like me
i will continue on

not so different
we merge and connect

theirs got pushed out
we all lost a little bit of ourselves… i
would have liked to have known that family
i hope i would not have scorned
their difference

it is only a dream
a dream in the belief of death
the yearning to understand…

returning to every grave
lingering…
quietly whispering…

“where did they all go?”

the fall of this nation might not be very grand

i should have never watched that pbs special on the lives of the candidates. now, when seeing the donald in his increasing chubbiness, his profile makes me see the chubby boy that was sent away to a boarding school. the angry boy, the bully that kept playboy magazines under his bed, and quickly learned — in an all-boys school — that the only way to not be tormented was to hurt the other guy first.

and i think how easy it is, to mock on how blatantly stupid someone has to be, to say “i’m like really smart.” how easy, and how directed … part of whatever twisted plans motivate someone like the donald. i mean, how completely insane are the cabinet appointments? it’s like a group of hippie party-majors sat around one night taking acid, and dreaming up the craziest and most ironic picks they could think of–and then laughing hysterically at each one.

what does that mean? the only thing it CAN mean–those who are being put forth as the heads of departments, are not really the ones that will be managing that department. IF the donald is crafty like a fox and not so far into geriatric limbo that he is making no decisions at all. because it’s just as likely that his children, one or all of them–are calling the actual shots. and that, of course, would explain the “no press conferences.” would have to do a Cyrano de Bergerac where the donald coughed and cleared his throat a lot, before finding the right words whispered to him by his progeny.

to be honest, like most that are also watching in horror, i’m beginning to go a little numb. for one thing, i was questioning reality enough BEFORE this election. now am beginning to think that it all has to be some kind of joke. the people coming and going from trump tower, have these shit-eating grins that i can’t explain. it’s as if they have been indoctrinated into a cult that has promised them eternal life as rulers of their own planet, with constant pleasures and happiness. and that role is for the mormons, and even THEY have a manner more toned down than the people dancing around in the donald’s wake.

so that confuses me, there is no seriousness or amounts of concern, in what i would assume to be how to actually run a country. it’s as if they all won the lottery, and are still partying over their good fortune. which granted, the republican way of running government does spell out a windfall for most GOP constituents. kickbacks, greased palms, backdoor handshakes, and so on … it’s the hidden agenda you never get to see. it’s the actual goals, that will remain hidden while giant poster-board storefronts are put up to resemble whatever it is you are looking for in a “leader.”

now, that is being stereotypical of me, and i know — i comprehend fully how one can take the worst things ever about politicians, and then assign those characteristics to whatever opposing party. when you have one side yelling, “you’re the liar!” and the other side also yelling, “you’re the liar!” — it might be time to take a closer look at reality.

i guess what i’m afraid of at this point, is that neither the republicans nor the democrats are in charge of the incoming administration. and the likelihood that russia is the one in charge of the incoming administration, is pretty strong. and to put a russian buddy buddy in charge of the state department? now that’s not something you do, if are worried at all about being linked as having ties with russian espionage that won you the election.

but what do bullies do? they chop off their own arm, if that means they can rub blood in your face. they will do the unthinkable, the thing that should make them WEAKER — for only the sake of proving that they are powerful and you can’t beat them. the one thing they crave, is another side giving up. they don’t want leadership, they want verification of dominance. i don’t even want to think, how many time the donald has pinned down his model-wife until she told him he is the huge, the best, the greatest. in fact, the donald probably listens to so much broken english at home, and since not strong minded — is probably good reason why the vocabulary is so stunted.

that, and his age-range of vocabulary, rests somewhere in the years he had to leave his mother and join the mob at an all-boys boarding school. so that’s where he stayed, that is where his instruction ceased. well, it’s either that, or the english teachers at every school he ever attended, were idiots. though in their defense, the donald, i am sure, invested as much money in cliff notes as he did in playboy magazines.

but that’s neither here nor there. what i’m trying to discern, is ……… what gives? seriously, what kind of out-of-this world game and insanity is being played with these appointments? perry for the one department he couldn’t remember, and was teased about mercilessly? so the donald rubs his nose in it, and yet the smiles on perry’s face are that of the sublime worshiper looking forward to his own planet.

(have to remember i’m from utah, mormons are kind of a thing here.) and the one thing i’m looking at, with the “german playbook” ….. the way most will get what they want. see, they don’t care if a reaction is GOOD or BAD. all they care about is consistency. because then manipulation is wide open. chances for power plays are plenty.

if you find yourself in an awkward position — such as “wtf is with these cabinet appointments?” then chances are, you were PLACED there. it’s not an accident. so the reasoning is to be saying that the appointments don’t matter. that part is obvious. the donald apparently thinks he can put micky mouse in charge of defense and it would make the same difference. and why is that?

maybe he doesn’t expect the government to be around long at all, anyway. maybe it’s the first stage of a coup to take over the united states by a foreign power. and the reason nobody needs to be serious about appointments, is that it will all be run by another nation anyway.

that’s what i’m wondering at this point. would the donald sell us out? he’d sell his mother out, for the chance to drool over a few more playboys. or hustlers. or high society ……. how deep does depravity go? i see the chubby profile of the donald, so much like his fifth-grader self, now. and i wonder what, in God’s name are we going to do, to keep america the beautiful in the hands of the united states.

the appointments so far put forth by the president elect donald trump, signify a bold deliverance of absurdity in making fun of the USA process before orchestrating the USA fall.

the trumps themselves, are one generation out of germany, and even changed their surname on entering the usa. how far back do loyalties and schemes go? could we be looking at parts of a pattern that was put in motion shortly after world war ii? why did the donald’s older brother kill himself? could it be he was not up to the family purpose that went much deeper than just running a business?

and hey … i’m not trying to spread “fake” news. it’s just that, if …. if the USA is looking at a coup from another nation …. i don’t want all of the usa to be taken by surprise. it might all be harmless, and the donald plans only to enrich himself and his spoiled tribe further. but they are far too happy, and far too confident, there is something going on.

and it’s just plain WEIRD for an american to repeat over and over how much he loves america. it’s more likely that he’s trying to convince himself, as he sells her down the river.