comprehending the motives of others

i can appreciate being snubbed
it’s when it’s done with such disdain

anybody know my IQ?
me neither
i know what it was when i was a kid
i know i was a who’s who
but everyone was — sell more books that way

and guess the thing is that i never took pride
in ‘smart’
or i just took it for granted
not an above or below thing
more like a quantity thing
mostly having to do with taking the time
to learn

so i don’t mind being snubbed
it’s the thoughts in that churning
that bring to be something that is
considered superior

and i just sort of wonder why
why that need comes out
or what kind of past competitions existed
to prime someone

to always be right
hell, maybe that’s me too much, too
have to stand on what i know
like i’m wearing cement boots
like the end of the world would happen
if i move an inch
so i suppose there is that

but i think … what of the goal
so much depression
so much depression that i’m fighting it even now
, tonight … the lingering frowns
on faces not mine, wracked and hurting

the notion that all will be yours!

all will be exactly the way YOU want
to surrender ……. and i look at the
think of the dynamics of irony
it bothered me
was kind of

like a very odd mind trap
complicated one
hard to dissect
and easier to just say it was wrong somehow

sort of uncomfortable
like the intent was to have
vulnerabilities in such obvious relief
rather than knowledge or
technique …….. so just

feel a little like dorthy i guess
no fix in the wizard’s bag for me
no instant answer

i have run through much in the way
of therapy
in the scope of analysis

you get to learn a thing or two
about therapists and why they are
in the profession they are in

that is the number one
and you’d be surprised how many
are in it because they genuinely want
to help people…. it’s a lot

large percentage
whereas i’m not sure how many leaders
are ‘in it’ to help people
or even if those with genuine concern
last very long

i just know we all make decisions

and see my decision is to be inclusive
of all – and not to snub

to not make snubbing a part of a group
dynamic — and when it becomes a part
of a group dynamic — then i’m not sure

of the point
………….guess i test people
or maybe try to determine the reasoning

am without sleep — need to catch up
….am not in the mood for dealing with
not sure of the whys

though i think some have to feel superior
or only have a relative sense of worth
rather than a dynamic sense of worth

i guess that’s it

is a fundamental philosophy
and i just enjoy the relaxed nature
much better

it’s all a growth
and i enjoy new experiences
and i like seeing others grow
bigger smiles

i’m not sure what kind of a threat i pose

i see through BS faster than you can say olly olly oxen free
i just don’t always call it
lift an eyebrow and go onward

…. so tonight is still depressing
and a little hollow

too much sorrow in one day
so many burdens and the share that
holds the goal a tad on the pointless side

but after all … i’ve been in tons of therapy
and group therapy
and i know positive from negative
i know what works and what stagnates

is not my fault
have just been through it all
and then rinse, wash, repeat

there are a lot of reasons for determining
certain directions
maybe i’m jaded

a little lost
a little bit trying to understand what
anyone wants from me …

it’s not the snubbing
so much as the level it was done at
one where only higher minds could note it

so i guess that’s ok

you know what comes after a good write
and a chance to look at yourself
and hopefully not lie to yourself?

a big bowl of ice cream
and a cat lying on the chest and purring
a mile a minute …….

i like working things out in words
seeing how feelings fit into the wider
parsing of logic

and i don’t want to be mendacious
just want to figure out what or why
or how to manage

i guess i get the put down
to kick me for the sake of not having
any judge of leadership … because i do

nine ways to sunday

that’s just me and i manage to keep a life
that can walk away tomorrow
from anything…. from anything

just how i roll

things don’t always work out for the better
and the one mind you can always know well, at least…

is your own

i guess the writing so much on here
is proof that i’m lonely

but in another way
it is proof that i’m not … that i have my
that are more curious than simply a “poor me.”

i suppose that was what was so troubling…

there should not be an encouragement of the “poor me”s

too much of that in the world already
too much forgetting of what to be grateful for

things to thank the stars
to thank god — to thank life

so i just kind of stare at it all
like a bug in a jar
… i contemplate the differences.

i don’t stop liking myself
when someone else dislikes me

i turn and look at that…
think maybe they’re right

i’m abrasive and not very cool,
in my defense
my brain works a little differently

i don’t remember well in the short term
so i have to take subjects as they arise,

and so i tend to interrupt
…. which comes off as being a jerk

but the alternative for me is complete
silence because i’m not going to remember
what anyone said 10 minutes ago
even though i try to listen

it will be the last thing you say
and then people use that to bury their
premise in the first things they say…

so that you are stuck accepting the premise.

the premise was that there is such a thing
as emotional stasis

and i think we (humans) are always on the way
…to something

i don’t think there is ever smooth sailing
you might think others lives are smooth and
carefree — but that is because you are seeing
it from the outside.

on the inside it might be anything but smooth
to them….
so i think the premise is flawed

and so you have the foundation of comprehension
based on the difference
of smooth times versus rough times

when it’s really not these hills and vales

when it’s really not this feeling at home or not feeling at home

because you’re always at home
and in the right place you are supposed to be

that is what faith teaches us, that there is
a continuity

that sometimes life has a way of guiding
us to the where we are supposed to be,
or the spirit has a way of calling

so it’s a disservice to consider
moments of transition as a “bad” time

many times, it is just a growing time

i suppose the main differences are in strength
are in how strong you feel
how strong to face what comes across your path

like with the saying, “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.”
i suppose i don’t see the way
or reason to convince yourself that you are
out of the woods just because you said so

it’s all come down to circumstances

the chance for tomorrow to swing around
in a better state — a better outlook of the mind,
so try for each new day to be better than the last

often for me, that is by learning more on something
each new day
to have this progression that even when others
don’t see… i can feel it

the fact is, no part of my life
has been picture-postcard perfect stasis
in a fundamental placement of self as the
perfected creature
the perfect life

i think that is just a way to fool oneself
though how would i know, since i’ve never had it?
well, i see things differently

… i see it as healthy to continue to grow
and look for better situations and better ways
to be…

it isn’t an act or a performance
because if it were, who is your audience?

others you want to impress? but “the whole world is a stage
we are merely players
to strut our time … full of sound and fury,
signifying nothing.”

so the stage is for others to see,
but the life is the me that can quietly type
that can reassert what is important to ME
and discover what was bothering me…

i can see the night as soft
and can see tomorrow as industrious

can see myself as just trying
trying to be the me i always was

always have been inside the same person
as ever i was …. the spirit doesn’t change
i don’t think, otherwise you wouldn’t recognize

so something remains a steady part
of self-awareness

often i think the only thing about life
is learning how to not let things get to you

and then i let things get to me, to test that
to make sure i have a way of not allowing
the super tangled and complicated comprehensions
to take over

it’s funny. i live off of too many metaphors
at least know enough to know i don’t know

not sure what IQ level that makes me
in fact, far as i’m concerned it doesn’t
make one very bright to want to know
just how bright you are
…………….sort of like taking one
test makes you flunk a bigger one.

there’s lots of different kinds of smart.

i could name off several for every person i know
but i pretty much think there are only a few ways
of sadness … of wishing the world were different
for yourself

i think it’s better to do something about it

doesn’t matter if it’s obamacare or trumpcare–the missing part is care

my answer to the healthcare crisis is to have more comprehensive anatomy and physiology instruction at all levels of education, and do without doctors and make all prescriptions available over the counter.

this is not necessarily a serious proposal, and more of a “we might as well at this rate” consideration. fact is, the path they took from the very beginnings of the medical industry, could be a case of wrong forks in the road. so i just went to two of those forks, and reversed it.

one fork, is how the populace is kept ignorant of their own health and the function of their own bodies. that was decided. and worked out very conveniently for the food industry as well. so reverse that. make it reading, writing, math, and biology. put it up there instead of having the obvious omission.

and then we have the fork in the road, of making certain drugs prescription only. which is a fancy word for saying you have to get permission from someone higher –on a social and professional level– before being allowed to buy certain medicines–even when you have plenty of access to funds. your money isn’t good enough, because you aren’t good enough. is put under “protection of the populace” — but who are they protecting?

the fact that you can abuse just about any substance, from paint thinner to hand sanitizer, indicates that the selection of items that are prescription only is based more upon their necessity (for saving lives or curing disease) than upon the “abuse-ability” factor. ? it’s all a kind of extortion. if you want to split hairs.

so if the healthcare system is this big a cluster- f*ck at this point…. do an about face and go back to the forks in the road. i just picked the two that shaped the entire medical industry the most. because I’m sick of the entire ridiculous nature of it all. we’d be better off selling rattles and doing voodoo dances, than we are now with a system as likely to kill you as cure you. and then the trump answer is to regulate new medications less and release them to the public sooner.

so frack me, frack it all. i don’t even know if it’s best to keep medicine completely in the hands of government, or completely out of the hands of government.

the entire insurance industry is a racket… a legalized ponzi scheme. it is a con as big as cons get. however, as long as it is useful, such as with car insurance guaranteeing a relative degree of return and protection for being part of the $ juggling…. and house insurance, with a relative return. or at least a random one. but when you have life insurance, that actually works with the percentage of projection that you will be unable to pay the premium at some point, and forfeit what you already contributed. so that is a further con of profiteering. and when the medical insurance, collaborates with the medical industry for a disproportional rise in the pricing of medical services for the sake of more kickbacks than you can shake a stick at….

i mean, the clue that it had gone a little too far should have been when a $1 box of tissues showed up on hospital bills as $50 or more. seems to me i’ve heard of it ranging as high as $200. and then the nurses would replace the box of tissues every day, even if only a few were used. they would bring a new box and throw out the old. and that’s one, silly example. but it’s indicative of why there is most certainly a problem with the medical industry and the medical insurance industry… in the first place. whole thing is corrupt from one end to the other, with the only real maxim to be in business. to stay in business. to make sure the business lives, even if the patients do not.

and i have no clue how to fix this wide ranging degree of corruption. a lot of good is done, too. i know that. but i also know that many measures could be taken to ensure a more healthy populace…. that are NOT being taken. water quality, air quality, accident probabilities, weapon accessibility….etc. the decisions are those that give MORE business to the medical industry, not less. and then you can get into the natural medicine and herbal, or vitamins … and that industry… find it all spirals downhill from there.

so many dominoes stacked up on this……

and it’s nothing. NOTHING, compared to the oil and car industry. but is working with the car industry, not against it. the positioning to climb in and out of automobiles messes up backs….. and that’s so much the better for the medical industry. the pollution increases odds of respiratory disease. so much the better for the medical industry. accidents increase need for patching up and for having a hospital on every corner, speed limits put in the hands of government. and decided according to what? according to getting you there faster than taking a train. so high speed trains are out ………… it’s all a mess. there is no way for it not to be at this rate, and from the sheer convenience of you scratch my back i’ll scratch yours.

so i seriously don’t know what, where, or how to go at this point — and i don’t care. reality is always fun –the point was tipped long ago, to where needs for profit outweighed needs for humanitarian considerations. and I’m a capitalist. but frack me…. this isn’t capitalism. this is just plain old letting the cheats rule.

and that is why my answer to the healthcare crisis is to have more comprehensive anatomy and physiology instruction at all levels of education, and do without doctors and make all prescriptions available over the counter. because in the famous words of our fearless leader, “what do we have to lose?” sink or swim. we’re going to be swimming soon, anyway.

and you might say, it’s better to uphold an industry that employs so many people and does so much good (in between its desire to fleece willing sheep). and you might be right. might be the best thing that ever happened to our nation. might be worth all the time, and aggravation, and yes … even insurance payments. but i kind of dream of a different world– one that not only doesn’t have $50 boxes of tissues added to bills, among other things. but one that never did. and you might say that human life is worth it — that human life is the most precious thing and we must pay every price possible to those saving human lives. but we have done that. down to $300 thermometers and $50 tissues and down to million+ dollar diagnostic machines, scheduled to break even only after 20,000 patients served.

i know how this game is played. most people at least guess at how it is played. kind of hard to miss the pharma lists of side-effects, and the reps sitting in waiting rooms with patients — all bright and shiny and ready to hawk the next thing your doctor will prescribe. all that power, over lives and bodies. and who gets heard the most, the patient — or the sales rep? and there are gems of doctors, of course there are. doesn’t stop the industry from being corrupt. doesn’t make it less corrupt. doesn’t make it less of a monopoly — with set prices that don’t vary substantially from provider to provider. it’s just a different type of monopoly.

so oh well……….. i was going to end this at “we’re going to be swimming soon, anyway.” just had a few more things i wanted to say. i seriously, seriously, do not know what is the answer to the healthcare crisis in this country. i just know i’m sick of all the cheats. i know that i don’t believe greed justifies the abandonment of integrity. i know that any kind of dependency, does not warrant extortion. sometimes people are just needy, and you should do what you can for them as a fellow human being. i know i’m a basic, garden variety idiot. am a soapbox preacher of the worst sort.

i just wish i could fix this thing. i had a vision, while standing at the intersection outside the Walgreens store. several months or years ago. time flies. i thought, my gosh — what if they had never invented prescriptions? what if no such thing existed. would it be a better world, or a worse world? and i looked into that well, and what i saw ….. was “better.” not just a small better, but a resounding, “omg! did we ever screw up!”

nothing we can do now. the problem with looking BACK and seeing a wrong fork taken in the road — is you will never ever ever be at that intersection again. it is behind you, in the past. just navigating to that in the present does not create the same fork of the road. you will never be there again. you can never be there again. to even think it exists is a denial of fact, within the very structure you live …. time and space. can’t go back to that fork in the road.

it’s why your momma always told you to not cry over spilt milk. so let’s not cry over spilt milk. let’s just patch up the system as best we can, and muddle forward to wherever this leads. maybe in the future it will improve. and unicorns will kiss butterflies … and sandals will be thrown off in favor of bare feet kissing the wet sand. there are days i am thankful for medicine. and there are days i think it has not only delivered the united states to hell in a hand basket, but has strapped that basket to a drone so it could deliver it that much faster. but regardless of what the medical industry IS — we need to make something work, and for it to work, it must work for the majority of united states’ citizens. and so is that an average, or a means? how do we decide?

if we cannot provide medical care for ALL — should it be lottery-based? a lottery to see who gets the next ticket to enter a hospital. to see who gets the better care. to see how it all plays out. do you know, in a resthome that i worked at for a time — they separated their Medicaid patients to one specific wing of the building. you know, so they wouldn’t get confused on who is supposed to get the sub-standard care. i’m not kidding.

in this country, wealth decides how healthy you will be. but there are other factors, like intelligence. like community and collaborative efforts for better environments. other things that go into the equation. despite that… relative wealth plays a huge role …and i watch the families that get on the bus, the people that i see at the discount stores. and one thing i always note are the absence of smiles. it fluctuates up and down, according to time of year and weather. but there are so few smiles, that i find it a wonder they all aren’t just killing themselves in the street. and this is the fork in the road that was taken. this is the America that was built on such things as the teeter totter of the oil industry and medical industry. and who’s paying for the fulcrum?

i see them. the no-smiles. and i know there is nothing i can do, because what can be done has to be done by those in power. congress has to find a mind somewhere in that giant pile of raging incomprehension … they need to do their job. which is to be there for the people … not to guarantee continued good business for the medical and medical insurance industries –the job of congress is to offer some kind of alternatives other than strapping citizens on this giant wheel for them to take it up the giant proverbial a$$ from a monopoly that never once forgets its in it for the money. and every time — EVERY time, all i hear are just more requests for the people to bend over farther. and i don’t know how much farther they can bend! it’s a heck of a way to do calisthenics ….

how do you buy peace? how do you buy health? how do you buy survival? how do you buy freedom and knowledge?

what is the currency, if it isn’t caring? what can money do? and what, at this point, can be done at all — other than kiss one government program good-bye, and hope that what replaces it isn’t even worse.

fair in the mind of a hypocrite

what conquest delegates fair in the pause of
fully alternate facts?
where true witch hunts gathered millions to
dance to
lock her up then cries and weeps and
moans that they are the now witch
now set upon?

i can only look
and marvel at the lack of application
denial that holds itself separate
to separate rules
that believe the law does not apply
to a king
that power means safety
to do as you please
and pleased only with more power

and so it goes
he sits on purchased throne
the king of the hypocrites
guiding all to paths
of non-application
for one above the law
decides it so

but will only rule the hypocrites
the blind that do not see
one nation
one land
of justice chimed by equality

why am i not superior to you?
because the choice would render me foolish
a train well off its tracks
a child conflicted with no way back to
piles of grace

the justice you deny another,
you, also, shall not receive
the amber waves of grain speak merrily
of broken hills
and broken dreams
yet do not let them speak of broken values!
whipped to turn a tide
that did not bless the moon
nor offer subtle rides
in consequence
damned by betters
you and you and i are due

for every bone that picks a turn
what mouth of justice claims to be
above the flames of its own burn?
where do we learn our pride?
at three, or four?
when mom decides you all are guilty
to deserve a similar fate?
no favor
none exists in tended souls
raised by weary
wrinkled hands… weary eyes that storm in truth
when mouths erupt in screams of tantrum
oh youth! no one wins
when boom sets all things fair

i look upon the birth of hypocrites
no boom
when all about
the thirst for favored dare
the love of days embalmed in purest
thoughts of self…

no wonder what went wrong
i think upon the smooth temptations
hold of self as better, more than
any ever lived before and into since

all notes that say a difference means
the i
the i is blessed with this
and this while others not
and not
the gains applied to i are made upon
the notes of singularity

so all are in the same denoted box

then better wins the so?
no thank you, no
see, contests i don’t take are those
i always win
true love for life is borne when
no amount of sin is randomly applied
upon another
other dreams to cure the lack of depths

in mine? no thank you, i shall learn just fine

how suffer?
suffer in the patient go-about
to know a past
i know where i can’t stand
know every tangled failure
every drop for self i should not weep
for tears describe remorse
and did i not select my way?

to compound an application
even i can feel the pull
to hold the self so high it cannot
dim no matter of the suns that fill the sky

… that say you, too?
the hypocrite is lonely lone
and lone
for what is missing are the ties
that bind one to a home
the starker revelations
gather faith in only those who
truly participate
in their own justice… so we are the so

i am
a product of that house
a house where hypocrisy never played
in cold example
lacking warmth arrayed
in firm inequalities

therefore you cannot hope to raise anew
an hypocrite is born and raised
to follow suit
to be the same and milk the undertow

to look on life as partial
when she really holds us all
in correlation to the other
other alls

for justice is not weights
it is the share of blame
to see in you the course
of every conflict owned by me
the thief
the murderer
there i go, too
for they were grown by all and all
so none and none
escape all blame
you see?
no white as snow

we rise and fall together
gnawing every bit of shame
that every hope for righteousness inflames

the contributions wallow in
measured distance for i cannot
judge the hypocrite
we all have some part compromised
in placing self above the law we lay
and so it is the deeper shades
the darker storms of injustice
nailed to trees
by those who grow at will

how tender all as not applied to them
i do not know that soul:
it hurts to have to be

an hypocrite to demonstrate
the failure of such path
the turn on single moves
as distant as the stars
to other fates

(once i saw her dance on tracks
so i did, too
and when she came to me
as fellow
i raged! laid every death by train
upon her feet
i bellowed! so that she would never
do again. it hurt. for struck a blow
to damn myself
in twist of abject consequence
blame comes home to rest
but once)

and so i pray for cold democracy
the burn of hearts in common
shared by destiny
to thwart the bane
whose roots are born from
hypocrites and sealed by reign
known to the self
as self is charged

all kings shall hang
and hang them well

we need no gods on earth
on earth

if truth be told
we drift
we move
we wait

what does fear profit

does it make the day better
boogy man
to harness the easy enemy
for goals
a fractured night is the complication
claiming souls for redundancy
all been done before
the formula
i blame no other forward
but the cries of foolishness
in loss of pride
ubiquitous persuasion
abstract beast as one more
nightmare drops and pings
one more silence dreams

how found you life explicitly in pardon?
eh… all shouldered for the curse
to come this way
the formula
the conquest put behind for all is
new some day with curled tones
of where deception leads and primps
and prompts
the fantasy of all is not so sure

look out look forth look where
the look is blurred
consider taste
inured … concept ‘ngraved on lust

how lust you now?
where is the train of consequence
when dreams go high
they fall not at all not at all
but shred in wind so constant
as to blame
deflated wide realities
not seen
not real… one thing
in course of course
to know the turn was adequate

where dollars came in a stumble
as next fork falls
you cannot eat your dreams
you cannot gnaw on gold
and so one gravitas turns repeated
makings for the make
divided by the variegated snake
to lonesome pulp
the brain in sundry mulch

therefore, true listen
when the sage screams lost is lost
when showman never counts his cost
barking grim
of sullen reap
no conquest of their minds complete

therefore i ask that all
remember if a careless nature
holds fragile dreams
correctly tuned?
does swagger storm the enemy
for light of day
a sun but knows its replay

how do ranks live now? minus
effigies … the image all
encompassed to denote what’s craven
of such craven greed….

born and blossomed from the pompous seed
in time that tortures never bleed
and driven mad by faith
i see the conscript of cold
holy vows
i see the damage wept by chain
and cried by plow

forsaken on the field
as life decides to harvest
man where he stands and smiles

when dawns awake the hopeless child