beyond silence

the best day
is when i hunt through my brain
and it is blank
no turmoil
no pain goading thoughts along
could call nothingness peace
but it’s more like living apart
from exigent design
it’s more like acceptance
a tugging world so heavy
to exhale and let the weight
press me to stillness

i suppose my continuance surprises me
to awake without a yawn
find the day already alive
people walking to work
gardeners running machines
that don’t clamor in my head
denial protects me
jaw not clenched
writing not hurried
life seeming to take its course
very little edge
and very little need to worry
the bearded man scowls as he pushes the mower
there is almost no breeze
i recall the smell of cut grass
peppered throughout memory

sip my coffee
a ritual of contentment
thoughts a blank
as worries of the world
dance around the exterior
of what?
the exterior of my concern
past present future
somehow every complexity
made it to this moment
where i can close my eyes
with a whisp of a smile
for how it all remains


Sweden the new Nazis?

Generally there is no need to think about Sweden. It’s a north-European country that gets really cold. End of story. But lately I feel like they are extending their tentacles into world-interests. How? By creating it their business to “shut down” internet pirate sites.

You know why this is bad? It goes against freedom of information, it goes against the idea of libraries and it goes against the checks and balances for pricing of media. In other words, that DVD you bought the other day would cost twice as much, if the internet pirate on the other side of the world didn’t make that same movie available for free.

Apparently Sweden still uses the word “neger” and sees a very large distinction in races. They are cold and distant, prices throughout Sweden are inflated and high. Clean air and good schools, those are two nice things said about it. But for the most part it sounds almost like they are describing Nazi-Germany before the wars.

High prices create the desperation that leads to extended degrees of fascism. It’s like a bomb that is winding up to go off. And now Sweden has decided to impose it’s version of “justice” on the internet and curtail freedom of information for the entire rest of the world.

Might be time to take a look at that little country in Europe.

Who is the cat lady?

Have been looking at the difference seen in an older person living by themselves, versus an older person with a pet. Or two or ten pets, such as the “old lady with her cats.” The one nugget of information I got in my study, is that a person with pets is seen as more “giving,” where a person without pets may be seen as more selfish or self-serving.

Funny thing about that, is ‘self-serving’ is better understood in today’s society. Selfish orchestration is more tolerated than weakness. And most unsettling, is that a person who is self-serving or strong, is more respected and treated with greater deference.

If others are accustomed to viewing a person as the one with the cat, the one who is kind and gives of herself and time to care for a pet–that is an understanding or perception that is not easily moved. For years they will just see you as “the cat lady” who only happens to have no cats at the moment. But then the perception slowly changes, as they realize you don’t intend to place yourself under such a burden again.

Over the course of my life, I have owned cats, dogs, fish, birds…though ‘owned’ is a debatable word. More often than not, they own you. And I don’t regret a single moment of shared time with my “pets.” It’s just that I have grown beyond the need to have that dependence constantly surrounding me. Actually find myself feeling a little peeved on the amount of time it takes to just water plants.

Have I changed? No, but there was a reason for each pet I had and owned. They were strays, or saved from an animal shelter. Or they were bought for another family member. Or they were a matter of curiosity. What is it like to own a bird? Can I ever keep fish without feeling guilty? Could never get a large enough fish tank when using a living creature for decoration…

Oh it’s been quite the time, and I have had some extraordinary pets. That is why it seems fitting to end on a high note, with my cat Jazz passed away now and hunting cicadas in that great meadow in the sky. They say leave the best for last. So she is and was the greatest cat that ever lived. Though did try ‘owning’ a pet beta fish year or so ago, as a kind of trial run. It did not end well, the poor thing. And I still see Jazz as the last and best of a lifetime trying to find the ideal “pet.”

Replacing such an amazing animal seems to not be the way to go. I got Jazz kitty shortly after giving up my daughter for adoption. It was the remedy for a broken heart. Often I over-lapped the two, and though I knew my cat was not my kid, she became much more than just a cat to me. She was what saved me from complete emptiness.

Now that time has passed, with Jazz gone I can face my decisions and the way I decided to have things go. The need is not there to fill a hole with yet another pet. I saved her from a life spent with someone other than me, and I was the one that understood Jazz better than any human ever could. Don’t know how to explain that. Just know it’s true. Jazz kitty constantly condemned me. She knew what humans were in relation to her own species. And you know, I loved that about her. I often wondered how such a small skull held such amazing brain power.

Wasn’t imagination on my part, either. She was one of a kind, and I will always see her as not the cat that completed my own identity. I was never a cat lady, only posing as one. There are so many things to explore. I still think about the day I decided to get a pet cat, after coming home from the hospital in Salt Lake. There was no sense to it.

I was living in an apartment that didn’t allow pets. I was broke. And top that off, that it was snowing and my car was broken down. A friend and I took the bus to the humane society, and there she was. When every other cat was at the front of their cage, crying to be noticed. Jazz sat at the very back, scowling like you would never believe. But rather than clawing when taken out of the cage, she waited to see what kind of person I was first.

So that was how I came to “own” Jazz kitty. Though I didn’t own her and she didn’t really own me. It was more of a mutual need. Or maybe both taught each other the details of coexistence. We both understood that survival meant everything, more than trust or faith or demands. You have to draw those lines that keep the odds in your favor.

So no, I’m not just the cat lady who happens to be between cats at the moment. Was never one to give without getting something in return. I’m sorry about that, it is my nature and I suppose part of the different hardships. I never felt the need to see myself as a ‘giving’ person. And I’m ok if perceived by others as selfish and unyielding. Stubborn in my old age.

Truth be told, though, I was always stubborn. Ask anybody. LOL. It’s one of those things you just sort of realize and smile. As far as I’m concerned, the world needs to be in order, or it isn’t a world at all. You comprehend the disassociation of chaos after diving so deeply into insanity that can’t even see yourself. The best answer to cages, is to assume your own limitations.

So I am the non-cat-lady. The one who will be cursing insanity with her dying breath. The one who thinks hanging up towels perfectly is a waste of time. Yet the one who folds a towel anyway, only to laugh at how we are all seen. How life is a matter of acceptance — yet more importantly a matter of rejecting right and wrong. Or is that right and left?

You see–I see them both. That way, can quantify details of an opposition. More often than not these days, I toss up my hands, and enjoy a cigarette and coffee on the patio. Imagination such a wonderful thing, and Jazz kitty is often missed. But I know she served her purpose.


usefulness on tap

she said, “i bet you could really kick my ass.”
i just sort of nodded
truth is, i’ve never had to kick anyone’s ass
no one has ever wanted to see the results
suppose it’s an instinct

knowing a type
a one that could simply go all out
switch to a mode that doesn’t involve mercy

did kick a dog’s ass once
it attacked my smaller dog
so i slammed it to the ground
hitting it with my fists
until saw that it wasn’t fighting back
only lying there – i still remember those eyes

the mexican gang at school thought it’d be fun to
mess with me
backed up against a chain link fence
i went crazy on them
all 15 of them retreated in horrification
“she’s crazy, man!”
i suppose that is where i learned
protection is not hard
if you go all out
make the other think twice

well, it’s better to avoid fights
and i do
though there is also the thing
about standing up for what’s right
standing up for justice
for yourself or others…

oh it’s a day and the day has dawned
with sunshine and no clouds
i just ponder these things
because it still puzzles me
in some ways

i realize that i’m only up and running
a third of the time
or more like 2 fifths
fluctuating between thought
and reality

in the old days
they would call me a daydreamer

it’s when i’m all there
or at least 4/fifths
and i process more and return
words faster and find myself
seeing things that were always there
i just never noticed before…

i know i am somehow a monster that is scary
scrutinized for signs of independence
so i stay in low gear most the time

never notice a LOT
but i notice you
i notice the need for understanding

the tock ticks for all of us…
is it simply size that
creates circumstances which preclude

i was never dangerous
only alone

you see the patio is quiet
and cool
facing the west
so the morning is covered in shade

what would life have been like if i was petite?
i do think about that

haven’t plucked a single leaf
since bought for a specific recipe

i like the way basil leaves turn downward
as if made too heavy to reach for the sun

and come to think of it i did kick my husband’s ass once
but i can’t tell you how badly he deserved it

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give me strength

give me strength
even though i’m crying
give me hope
even though i don’t wait very long
and the sun will rise
and worlds spin
give me strength
just this one time
let me win

oh how do we see ourselves in mirrors so full of shame?
oh when does the last man take the blame?

there are stars in the sky
there’s a moon no one doubts
but what is the space all about?

give me strength!
i don’t need to live as second best
give me heart!
for a love that’s beyond every test

in the roaming of time
for the life we can’t waste
will forever be tamed
face to face?

never mind
i know
that life has shown me worse
never mind!
for i hear that all strength is only cursed

never mind
for i never had no mind at all
and i still never know who hears my call….

give me strength
even though i don’t see past divine
give me hope
even though every wish wasn’t mine

take me to somewhere
where i see the light
to lift one more time and join the fight….

every little bit
is a little bit much
but i am not lost in a world full of pain
no…. everything gains with one touch

one note
that is a little bit off
one sigh
that’s a little too soft

and all strength is the difference one day to the next
so tomorrow i’ll give you my best….

and some day you will see
how far it all goes
but for now i will just let things flow

and find something for me
in the light through the trees
something that no one else knows

i will walk my own way
live and laugh countless days
for it always meant nothing to me

only shadows are deep
only lost souls shall sleep….

and give me strength
even though i’m crying
give me hope
even though i’m tired of waiting