Do you know my God?

do you know my God?
the one i formed
and built
and breathed
the quiet design
of absolute security…

do you know my God?
beyond the worthless gifts
beyond the biggest waves
conviction brings?
do you know my God…

there is no condemnation
only choice
there is no suffered consequence
only metered voice
and in the delve
the widest cut
my God resides, and knows

that all your petty differences
are less than any wind that blows…

for every one who thinks they’re best
the best, oh best! of every best
i dare you to think one more time
and see the smiles that graced each fall
see the nature of it all….

do you know my God?
i wonder how
to show you just how small we are
to magnify your fear
until you see the nature of its pain
i’ve known you all along
so set in stone … but see i am the one
who let it go

let it go

i am the one
i am the one who found life sweet and still…

do you know my God?

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somewhere behind the frozen burritos

Lord i’m so weary
i don’t know where all the dreams went
silence of mind
silence of heart
found myself saying thank you
thank you for this life
thank you for letting me be a part of the
world a part of things a part of what goes
on
infinity just a concept and forever never
was
but thank you for this time this place this
existence
thank you for letting me understand
touch continuity
i don’t need anymore
thank you
i wonder where my dreams went
i wonder where the blossoming of
satisfaction turned into bravery
i wonder what you’ll say when i’m gone
but don’t say you should have called
more
that you thought you had more time
i’ll come back and slap you from the
grave
ungrateful whelp
you have no idea what kind of strength it
takes

i am the person that chose life
even though loss surrounded me the
most
you have no idea what it would take to
actually hurt me
no understanding of a mind that has seen
every game
every play a hundred times a thousand
times over
no concept of bluffing backwards
boasting inside out
taking what you can and bowing to the
last man
do you know what Crazy is?
crazy is biting your tongue and looking
quietly forward
and never looking back

Lord i’m so weary
i don’t know where all the dreams went

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not to be broken

to a large extent
it makes me
want to renounce
support
for any religious
adherence
after attending
revivalist-sort session
in arizona that
more like
a convention than
church
after observing prayer
time used
to testify on
belief
in guardian angels

what, having God there
isn’t good enough?

so myself
find dejection
when no real beef
with conventional
Christianity

it’s what comes out
of opening that
door

and find myself
spouting prayers
then the mind
going, “sure,
ask for help
from the invisible
guy in the sky!”

faith shaken?
not so much, it is
faith in man
i’m having trouble
with

stupid and his dog spot

the never-ending
pile
of consequence

(wherefore art thou greed, oh greed oh greed)

depression
at its finest
with a need
to see
better possibility

but what i see
is the amount
necessary
to stem and change
course

what i see
is problem
after problem
in designs
gone haywire

once upon a time
i believed what i
was told
then i
realized

people enforce
benefits
to self
over benefits
in truth

once upon a time
i was young
now
getting old
despite myself

wondering

if even what
told
to WANT
what told to
pursue

is not the best
never was
and start over

start over
building

self
belief
structure

so that the day
can be open
to happiness

open to
acceptance

i truly worry
that all is my
mind’s creation

i truly do
yet i keep hope
faith
that there is no
alone
and that perception
remains
jointly held

if not jointly
felt

it’s not even
that i mind
a self-construct
for the tenets
of reality

what i mind
is the limitation

for
wonder
awe

and

new

tenacity

tenacity
how do you feel beat out
by a pansy
what is brave?
what is enduring?
when ends are imminent
is bravado foolish?
or can it be said that
anything is possible
a bloom can last through winter
if so inclined

think, and make it so

i look at the filigree
of ice
how even harsh
and hard
can hold its beauty
before the sun melts
and gives hope again

to the flower
growth in its way
a mystery

humans have their tools
growing wise

in
out
hope has to begin somewhere
He said ‘look to the flowers
they are clothed in beauty’
and i say, look to the flowers…
they are clothed in tenacity
forever and forever wise
clinging to what is known
and what is not known
never broken
by continuity

how do i love thee?
let me count the many ways
the many ways of flowers and ice

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Start of a new year

Start of a new year, and I’m kind of evaluating my life, which always sucks. Not the life, but the evaluating always tends to get me in trouble. Part of me has always thought, that if I just find a good habit to follow–like meditating in a corner every Tuesday–then all the rest of existence will fall into place and I will be a content and happy human creature.

Thing is, I know from experience, that there is a high chance that any “new” practice, ritual, or endeavor, will be abandoned within the first 2 weeks. How long have I ever been on a diet? Two weeks. How long did going to the gym every day last? Two weeks. At this point, I feel it behooves me to skip the effort part, and go straight to the two weeks later. Where fundamentally I’m back at square one, with one more notch on the bedpost for failed attempts at becoming a better person.

Those build up, and you get to the point where you have to wonder what it means “to just be you.” Logically, I know there is no such thing. We are the creations of our environment, and pick up all kinds of fun habits that may or may not be included in Ms. Manners book for wayward children.

A human personality is a conglomeration of past and present, with very little of anything original at play. It might be an interesting mix, because your mom was an actress and your dad was a coal miner. But there isn’t anything original there. Which only means that to say “just be you” is an arrogant and kind of thoughtless proposition. Me is many things. Me always has lots of room for improvement.

So it’s a new year, and I’m wondering if I should try something monumental. Something that will turn my life around, and make everything feel ‘perfect.’ Great expectations. Shoot for the moon, and might at least hit Toledo. It always comes down to “what do you want?” And I have been afraid to answer that question my entire life.

I do want to be a better person. Maybe that only means finding a way to be better-liked. Which I just say bugger to that. Who needs to be liked? I’d rather be obeyed — haha! Or maybe I’d rather be always at peace. Though of course no such thing as “peace” exists within the soul without its dichotomy of angst and torment. And I don’t want to be ‘neutral.’ Might as well invest in stock for drool cups.

So what did I do, to make life ‘better’ for a new year? Something that I probably won’t abandon in two weeks — I went out and bought a new shade of lipstick. Now how’s that for micro-managing ambition?

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