i watched

i watched as every
married woman i knew
got a stationary bike
for the living room
got a treadmill for the den
got a stair stepper for the porch
when will this end?

where is the torch
for this olympics?

i watched as no sugar
ice cream came in play
and i watched
as the no fat cookies had their day
and i shook my head and cried
because no one cared about
the hopes and dreams
on the inside

no one cared
about a woman and her pride
the men are clothed
in serious shades of brown and grey
they wake up
to a world that has to go their way
but what of
all the colors left out there
in stark repression
the wife does one more stair

step

and i watched
as the children want their
hot dogs back
and i watched
as they trudged the miles
back from jail
locked up
to keep the bad guys out
but the children are hurting
childhood is not the time for fear

and i watched
as all the married women i knew
got stationary bikes
for their living rooms

gated communities the norm
more jails and more scorn

i watched
with a heart both warm and hollow
as the country blindly followed
every hook
that both rich and poor would swallow

i watched the worry
over looks that all will go someday
and the trophy wives
that traded in their lives
for a closet full of high heeled shoes

only to vacuum round the treadmills
in their living rooms

i watched it all go down
in several decades on this earth
no one digging deeper
for any lasting worth
only decorating

the outside
because an object screams
in silence
i watched this world dissolve
in violence
by the men
who covet submissive wives
and crave the power
of craven lives
when will this end?

i watch
i watch and think
how it’s so much easier to pretend

they all will wake up some day …

but this never goes away
i see more men caged in suits
and more women
caged in silicone expectations

pretty the only way to be
a child-woman that laughs during the day
and then at night
she cries privately

i watched
as every married woman i knew
bought stationary bikes
had them delivered to their living rooms

i watched
and didn’t say a word
how they all were going nowhere fast
how the body is only a shell

and it’s the heart, the soul
that lasts

love is the breeding ground
that never should be thin
never should see hopes as pinned
the markets surely boomed
as women bought
all kinds of torture
for their living rooms
but i never wanted
a life born to be less
than the perfection
woven into mindless patterns
of every object’s dress

and i stood on the pier and boldly laughed at
the men who would call any friend of mine fat
i laughed at the whole drooling mess

refused to accept this life
the life offered by a world
enthralled in looks …
when i was the one looking best

because i watched

trajectory finds its own space

when writing, it is the imagined audience
or person
often better to write to one person

it’s the target audience
that matters
i switch mine all about
and i know who addressed
gets better response

because what we say changes
according to who we say it to

and consistency can happen, sure
and might be what we call “finding yourself”

i know the worst person, the worst audience
for me … is me. when talking to me, to clarify
something in my own sphere — i totally lose everyone

like this one

and it’s boring and i know it

hahahahaha … and i’m sorry

just wanted to write while i thought about how
what is spoken so often changes according to the recipient

and when thoughts are scary
i want them down
where i can see and touch and feel and get
a sense of what made it scary

because if everybody is changing according to
the recipient, then your recipient is not even your
recipient, but the one that THEY are changing to accommodate
a sort of chain reaction that dumbs everyone down at once?

and there is the always having to be right

escaping that involves acknowledging that others could be better
could be smarter or even just more lucky

but it’s that objective view of others as having potential
not the placing yourself under one supreme power

that’s why all that higher power stuff is all wrong
it just mostly has a person maintain their arrogance and
believe that they are under god but in that placement are then
above everyone else.

and that’s so far out of range that it is a delusional life
not a whole lot of reality there

i like to see how others are better than me at different things
and generally i don’t give myself anything that i’m good at

just don’t want to set myself up for that kind of failure
if it’s the one thing you are best at
and then find someone who is better — leaves you in a pickle
so i prefer to pick nothing
jack of all trades, would rather tackle everything
and leave the judging to others

the audience — the person you are talking to when you write

that is the fulcrum the apex the anchor

if i imagine a crowd, i speak poorly
if i imagine one or a group — i speak well

and if i am talking to myself
it’s also poor

if i am talking to imagined enemies
it is strong …. but sometimes i pull out all the stops

because pretty much don’t let on
how far my thoughts can go

it never seems to help for others to know how smart you are
and often helps for them to think you are not

but i don’t need to be liked

that’s the other thing …. to just work to be liked is on the pathetic side

no… art is something else. it’s part wanting something to last forever
it’s part the mastery of shape and form
part the self-soothing continuation of beauty and what
beauty might mean at different times and different places

and it’s part the audience — who is listening?
no — who the writer imagines is listening

it is the audience and that is the tell in so many
so many writes and you then know that time and those
people. not from the story told, but how they tell it
by who they are talking-to.

if someone is speaking at a fourth grade level
that means they believe they are talking to fourth graders
it means they have that low an opinion of others
OR that they do not have the language capability themselves

but the language has been going downhill
the level the newspapers at much lower than
just a few decades ago

has all gone downhill so that the norm is less
about being educated and more about being universal

higher language is better but we are monkey see monkey do
and so all go down this path together because it is easier
to not have to think as you read

it is easier to ratchet thoughts into order
that are already there in cliche form

and that is lazy — and i am guilty, too — oh end up
finding a work that is well-written. where i have to pause
to think on things. and i don’t finish it. i hoard it, like
the favorite cookies that never get eaten. i save it for a
rainy day when the language has me so down that i cannot find
any sort of encouragement from anything from THIS century.

no not at all … we don’t have any greats.

we have newspapers that cater to the least common denominator

instead of the median. i don’t know why — though i do know why

for greed

and i can’t even figure out greed yet

it’s all in your own perceptions of whether you have a lot or a little
and it’s all in gratitude whether can even enjoy

but yep, the greed has done a lot in

and the target audience is anyone that will buy
so they look for the weakest of the bunch

they look for those that can be moved

and the strong are silenced
the strong are put away someplace … and that is
greed

but there are many trying to turn things around

can get better
will

sometimes i play weak

because i don’t know how that actually works

more falling stars this week
all kinds of trajectories

i hope lots of wishes are made
true is the heart that sees them to their ends

given to understand 

for probationary forever
lost never a silence
ground down
perpetrated
forbidden upon incendiary
continuous
and inflammatory
grace
the better part of reduction
poured
for gravitas and
inflection

crawling onward when
forward is the shroud
the cover
sight beginning
to breach
to speak outloud

over
when the under treats in drifts
under
when the fuse returns to lift

heaven
when the craven have their way …

but what for my day
what for my day?

what is given
to under stand? how is this home?
with love so far away

to show you how this forms
i would need to bring the every
round to nothing
sit you down
and show how time was never true
or mean

between the three, the two

so therefore all
will break and shape
if mind decides
on bind
and fate forthwith
unto the furthermore …

what branch controls this score
when all of tree
shall shake?

a wonder
what souls make
and quiet pounds such pounds
to take

i was the lone because i saw no
great
no wit
and therefore my reduction is a price
from byte to bit
a norm
a consequence
to shudder all the round

the stand that under
takes for given

SAM_0134

cleansed by dreams

the many thoughts that come and go
that tease the mind
more than you know….

i was sure of myself, once
now mostly sure that nothing
is permanent
and if you can’t enjoy the now
you will not enjoy the tomorrow

matter of looking
being

the nature of stress for needs
hopes to get done

the catch twenty twos and the no
way outs
dead ends and paths that might bring
some solution
all takes the backseat
to maintaining my back
for pain is a thing that only cripples
when it is inescapable

i want my legs
it’s not a huge request
want my legs under me,
sure

so that walks might be long
and arduous
but not also filled
with continual
screams for endurance

what more do i have to prove?
not a lot
only that there became a time
i did not care because left that to others…

and only know that so much
of every future is manufactured
into complacency

there is a place i can go
and dive under all … angst? retrition?
i hold it away from my breath
not really numb
but a disengage … removal?
times ripen to not guide any flow
the simple
is not the simple mind…minded

the day is daring and bright
the sun is warm
the flowers are happy
the storm came in the night

and is now gone

20160723_122114a

free to correct

the biggest challenge is the real
versus not real

if i do anything when not fully awake
weird stuff can happen

but since it’s electronics
it’s interactive
and i’m not sure if interactive hallucinations are even possible

few days ago i wake up and go to answer a comment
on facebook
i know i’m not fully awake but feel ok
to type something …. and it autocorrects

now the reason this is not possible
is i keep auto correct OFF

so i repeat it … it autocorrects again
changes the word trumpers to trumpets

it even changes it to the original word
when i back space …. i finally get it fixed
enter the comment
and go look at the settings … which still have
the autocorrect OFF

i turn it on and off again, though typically with
the android controls there is not a computing possibility
for a switch to be stuck or misrepresented

what happened shouldn’t have happened
but i felt like it happened because my mind
was not fully online
so if i am not plugged in correctly, does everything
just go to chaos and heck?

i’ve had similar very strange things happen
with electronics when not fully awake yet

that moment of coming back to yourself
after being lost in sleep and dreams

and logically, i could or should just chalk
it up to a very specific form of
mis-seeing when in that spot directly between
the waking world and the sleeping world….

but it bothers me
because i have to be seeing reality
i don’t know how to explain

it’s not fear of losing my mind
because been there, done that
it’s a fear that without the structure
of my waking mind, nothing would have
any structure at all

how thoroughly do we create our own fate?

the tablet shouldn’t have done that
it shouldn’t be able to just decide
to autocorrect a word when set to not
autocorrect.
this is a machine — it doesn’t get to decide

but in that dimension
that place in time between waking and sleeping
even computers break their bounds

the world dissolves from its order

and who am i to say it shouldn’t?