thorny paws

don’t know if back is fixed
or just shifted
a break
a reprieve
to center in
and remove
the good days
and bad
could only be resolved
by understanding
that wake up
in a different
each day…the world
itself shifted

a childish thought
but misery has
little maturity

therefore this day is
not too bright
not too loud
breeze is not too
and frame moves slowly
…though without pain

it’s more about
settling nerves
that have become worn
by pinching bones

it’s more about
right signals
than it is
about not being
able to live with
a wholely incorrect

so i asked to stay
in this dimension
to not move from
this set of variables
to humble what little
i have left of me

because peace of
needs the right
to move away
from exigency
with a power necessary
to overcome

my demeanor never
good at explaining
for though
you’ve seen me smile
does not mean
i wasn’t screaming
on the inside
with a body
moving about
in abject dismay

was taught
to hold peace
yet much easier
to let peace
hold me

with the pain
and the day not
through extremely

now no sky
is falling and chicken
little is
going home?
or was all

but i swear this is
a world of difference
and i pray
that god does not deliver
my aging body
to others
where the vise
of inadequacy
is so strong
i see nothing
when looking outward

but me

the bee captured on film?
she was a blessing
for i waited

and finally
the breeze held
and the bees themselves
were unafraid
after a time


On the other feet

What is a story?
A tale
A recitation of event
An example
A way to be
The portrayal of love
And death
And anger

A lesson
A way to think
A path to process

Words on a stage
In a book
Told at bedtime
How to behave
Be have
Have what the hero

Follow the story
Follow the road
The path

Deep down I’m a strategist
Some days can’t remember
My own name
But I remember
The strategy
I created for every
Video game I ever solved
Can never go back again
And play it
Like it was the first

But a story I can
And discover
More of myself
More of the author
More of the bridge
The comprehension

It plugs you in
To every other person
Who also heard
The story

Raised to comprehend
With all these leaders
Weaving spells

What is a story?
A way to Be
A map of life
A journey through decisions

….right or wrong based on others
In the area
Of studying behavior
The story tells us who we are
Or who we are to Be

Thing Is
I feel my life
Is full of stories
Coming out my ears

Until my own path
Is dim…

Choice merely a joke
Because choose wrong-ly
And punishment awaits
Does choosing right
Make you rich?

See I don’t know
How to reconcile
All these stories….

After awhile they repeat
For we have only so many themes
Only so many angles

Comes down
To what shoes I
Decide to wear today

Feet that were
Never made for shoes
Feet that we’re made to grip
The earth
With toes made useless
It’s about walking in the footsteps
About follow the leader

Monkey see monkey do
And how owning
One pair of shoes

Might Be the wisest thing
On earth

What Is a story?
I got up today and took a bath
But so early that I searched the tub
For spiders, first.
Catch them by surprise
When it’s that early
We occupy space according to schedule
The soak only helped a bit
My back still feels twisted
And knotted
Yet I know the real problem
Is my nerves are
Feeling way too much
Every pain amplified
20 times
Like a computing
Infinite loop…..

I made coffee
Sat in
My chair

I stared blankly
At my tablet
Until I realized
I was staring blankly

My customized response
To an anxiety attack
Though it’s not like that!

It’s exactly like when
I was late getting homework
Done for school

So that’s what it should be called,
A failing at school attack.

The clench in the gut….
I could survive it
If it weren’t for
The clench in the gut

I worry that I drone on
A writer should be succinct!
Yet it’s not that kind of day
And this is not that kind
Of story
It will go on
Despite how messed up
I manage to be
The coffee still needs to be finished
And I might make the bed
It doesn’t make itself
Dishes need to be done.
Of course that never ends

Don’t know how I got so many shoes

I sit and look at them and
Know I have only 2 feet

So sue me
Part of me wanted to be normal
Though that definition is sure up for grabs

There’s normal
There’s sane
And there’s pass the buck

Some day I’ll find a fourth
I suppose
But most of the time
I just wanted to go home
And the ruby slippers?
Well….they got left by a
Crick somewhere
When I wanted to
Feel my toes with the grass



That kind of a day
Wanting more sleep
But the pain too much
So you get up
Because torture
Is not the way you
Want bed to feel

Left with hours
To fill
Read the paper
The Japanese are low
On their stock pile
Of whale meat
Hard for me to understand
We don’t eat whale
I’ve had shark
Vaguely I think
Of how they call
Scouting for herds
Research expeditions
How that just seems wrong

The sun rises over the mountains
But it is light before that
I face the west
And even the birds
Seem subdued
As I sit among the green
Petunia flowers partially eaten
I can never catch
the marauding snail
Coffee tastes weak
And my eyes feel
Like they are going through the motions
Seeing only
The same

My heart is not heavy,
Resigned?  Dedicated
To beating
I couldn’t tell you if it
Is cold or warm out
Everything a shield
Here and not here
The sky a light blue
That looks rather flat
Despite the scattering
Of clouds
Unable to move quickly
I do anyway
Because I cannot
Let go of determination

Only my mind
Is slow as ever
Somehow noting
There is one bird
Bound to chirp
Despite no others joining in…
Sigh take a sip
Read the paper more
Try not to look at the dead sky
The eaten flowers
Nor the fact
That lingering dreams
do not breathe deeply
When there seems to be so little air


pass the delivery

i do wish
that my hopes
were not so
far into
of impossible

yet i guess
that’s how they

breathe …

now all i want
is to find a
spot where
body loses
its pain
so mind can
shut up

open senses
see, i can’t
figure out where
the TV noise coming out
of my fireplace
is coming FROM …lol

but it annoys me
only because i CARE
and i care because
nerves are already
stretched and
on edge

is there no hope?

i just have to ignore
and pretend

but you can pretend
yourself into a hole
where every rock
is willing and able
to cover your head
and let you sit
while the dark bothers you
and the light bothers you
and the air bothers you
and every voice
hits ears
at just the right
amount of scream…

i would rather let go
center back to the source
and cry over spilt milk

at the same time
putting all money on owning a cow

it’s just every nerve
feels braced
right now, this moment

and i know–
i’m not stupid,
i know the only way
to end further

is to forget

and i know forgetting
brings me to a place
i never wanted to be

lost without a paddle?
heck, my creek ran dry
ages ago
and i walked and then crawled
now i dig

dirt’s good for you
or maybe it’s just
good for mud pies
nothing gives birth to nothing…

driven to the edge
wishes are the stuff
of hope in others
others i saw and left
to just forget
because redemption
never blamed
the right


My laptop gets too hot

over last month or so, have been dealing with my Thinkpad T420 heating up too much while on the docking station. one of those things where you spin your wheels trying to get it to function in a better way.

i took it apart, TWICE. first time i applied thermal paste, second time i ordered and applied thermal pads instead of the paste. it looked like it originally had thermal pads on it. the difference, is that thermal paste is conductive (for electricity), and thermal pads are NOT conductive for electricity, only conduct heat.

in reading up on things, found out that in a lot of cases, they use the thermal pads on laptops because it stays in place better. it is a little disheartening to get this small bit of sticky material in the mail and how much that costs for what looks like plain adhesive foam. but it has all the information on its properties that more or less mean more to engineers than a simple “fix-it” person.

you apply paste or foam to where the heat-sink sits on the CPU and GPU chips. a heat-sink is a large band of copper, that relays the heat from the chips to the fan, and then the fan helps disperse the heat out of the laptop. copper is expensive, so you will find all kinds of odd designs to heat-sinks, depending on the maker of the laptop.

even after applying the thermal pads, and reassembling my laptop — it was still heating up too much. so i said, “good grief!” and went to poke around in the BIOS settings for the power and display settings. since the Intel chip was heating up the most (versus the Nvidia GPU chip) — i put the settings back to the “Optimus” — which uses both the Intel onboard graphics and the Nvidia graphics.

other thing, which was the clincher — was that i DISABLED the Intel “speedstep” technology. now i don’t mind the idea of over-clocking a CPU so much, IF there was an appreciable difference in performance. but heck, there is NOT. all speedstep seems to do, is run the CPU constantly in a state that heats it horribly. the system will be using only 20% of CPU capacity and after 10 minutes at only 20% it will be on fire! now that is insane, when its ‘benefit’ is hardly even noticeable. i will wait one extra second for a page to load, if it means my CPU has to work 1/5th as hard to do it.

and the main thing on that, is you do the math and think, good lord what if i ran it at 100% for any length of time? it would probably explode….

that is a joke, of course. but heat and computers is a very big issue. it isn’t so much damage to the chips themselves, as it is to other components on the motherboard or peripheral items like a hard drive, a keyboard (i’ve had excessive heat fry keyboard circuits once), or other parts that are designed to handle SOME heat – but anything is going to melt in a furnace.

so anyway, i’m just a little peeved at Intel for even HAVING “speedstep” — it is actually a cheap way to list a chip as having a higher clock than it actually has. and for what? to damage a machine? to give it “more power” while it struggles then to perform tasks faster when it really isn’t built to do that? and NO ONE is going to notice the difference, except maybe gamers who are infamous for over-clocking their systems in the first place.

my thinkpad is happy now, with speedstep turned OFF. and the Windows POWER CONTROLS are working properly now. which they were not even changing the functions when speedstep was enabled. high performance or low performance, it was all the same with the machine working overtime even when it was doing next to nothing.

so anyway, i know it’s crazy but i would rather have something that lasts for the long haul, than something that burns up in a blaze of glory. i would rather have my laptop cool and purring right along than having to put it on the garbage heap to buy yet another.

instructions for turning speedstep off (lenovo thinkpad):

  • during boot, press “thinkvantage” button
  • a screen will come up listing options
  • select F1 for Bios settings
  • use arrow keys to go to Config
  • use arrow keys to go to Power
  • enter to select Power
  • use arrow keys and enter to select ‘speedstep’
  • set it from ‘enabled’ to ‘disabled’
  • save and exit
    WP_20150715_13_17_11_Pro 1

    there are also other settings that involve how much power goes to the CPU, i set them to “balanced” rather than “high performance.”

    WP_20150715_12_55_42_Pro 1