from schizophrenia to not giving a dam for minds stuck too long in floods of rising indifference

have known many schizophrenics, was even engaged to one. he believed his garden gnomes came alive at night. would see demons….generally the mentally ill you see walking the street and talking to themselves, are schizophrenic. I’ve seen treated schizophrenics that manage ok, but a lot of the medications cause them to move their legs or jiggle uncontrollably. and drool, and leave their mouth open. I heard at some point that they can tell by the structure of the middle of the brain? it’s like there is a bigger gap? very sad thing to deal with. many homeless people are schizophrenic. it really devastates families, most of the patients at state hospitals in long term care, are schizophrenic.

psychotic episodes are not exclusive to schizophrenia. manic depressives and bipolars can also have psychotic breaks. often, medication is tailored for both leveling and any symptoms of psychosis. there is also borderline personality disorder. knew friends diagnosed with that. bipolar is type 1 and 2. I think they have a 3 now. the mental health here used to give a class on all of it. and sort of the practical version, not like taking psychology classes in college. Scientology does some interesting youtube videos on mental illness….lol. for the most part, I’ve seen a LOT of over medication. had friends that were taking upwards of twenty pills a day. I am not exaggerating. the consensus is that therapy and medication are better than just medication. and that therapy can have more far-reaching effects. but for schizophrenia, I think it is brain damage of some kind, and mostly all they can do is try to limit the hallucinations through medication.

there is basically no such thing as degrees of schizophrenia, you are or you aren’t. the biggest symptom is hearing voices, but unlike what many believe, hearing voices means outside of your own body, like someone invisible is in the room speaking. it is not hearing your own voice in your head speaking. that is normal, and I think they call that self-talk.

I’ve had racing thoughts before, and it’s very distressful. but is not like something where you wonder if you are having racing thoughts. you know you have racing thoughts. when I think about it, I have not had any since I gave up drinking alcohol 7 years ago. but basically, you can’t shut your mind off and don’t have the power to stop your own self-talk inside. I think I also was able through therapy, to realize the impact of fears. because racing thoughts are like your mind is babbling uncontrollably in fear.

but anyway….I have seen and known schizophrenics–and it is a particular type of mental illness that is considered sever enough to sometimes require extensive hospitalization. life gets crazy, and stressful for so many people. many times it is simply taking care of oneself, to get adequate sleep and eat right. every time I ever had severe trouble, I was not eating or sleeping for days…weeks. and then psychosis has to do with not enough dopamine in the brain.

I also believe fear plays key roles to mental instability, and have found while living alone, then any physical problem can quickly turn into mental out of an instinct to live…to find a way above that point of no return where too ill to take care of yourself.

anyway….I’ve studied quite a lot in the area of psychology and mental illness. I do think half the battle is tending to physical needs, such as rest and food. sometimes there are triggers, and if I develop problems, I go over any new products such as lotion or shampoo, different scents. have always been sensitive and allergic. it can be difficult, but I find it is much easier to maintain balance when not in a relationship, where they will try to make you feel you are always having problems. and then act like a go between with doctors, where I would feel like some kind of robot that was not performing well enough for them….that is very hard to deal with.

standing out from the crowd, always being considered different and “strange” — is, in itself, one of the largest hurdles of ‘mental illness.’ and that is why i fight and often pose decent arguments as to how it really comes down to diagnosing people that are not liked or do not fit in, as having a defect or mysterious illness. the stigma, which is actually discrimination for those who are different or seem odd and not conformed enough to societal ideals — that discrimination is part of the problem in the first place. security, and having acceptance in a family or society, can be a large part of problems that lead to mental illness.

when people keep in their minds, that I am mentally ill, they treat me how they feel you should treat the mentally ill. and I will drop out of those friendships. you pack your bags and move. find a new job, a new city where you can be treated like a normal person. luckily for me, enough people are now getting medication and diagnosed, that it’s not like it was. for the most part, I can be upfront and not get discrimination. eh….life has not been easy. but I have been in the position to help a lot of people in mental health centers. I try to think of that as God using me where I could do the most good. but some days I wish I had been given a “normal” life.

and it is tempting, to think — at least i’m not THAT! i’m not one of those schizophrenics! and that is just another ladder on the pecking order of my life is more normal than your life. my mind is better than your mind. my life is better than yours! oh yes, and it makes me ashamed when i think that way. for the most part, i think there are not enough answers, considering the level of diagnostics available for everything else. aside from that, i think it is important to see people as people. to look at another, and observe their soul. not some preconceived notion of that person set apart — the crazy that means you are “normal.” the normans were bastard invaders. we shouldn’t have been trying to emulate them in the first place. lol … but as far as conforming goes — i don’t have answers. except that it helps to pay attention to the little social things that make people comfortable. it helps to see others as thoughtful beings. if you expect the worst, you are going to get the worst.

i have been through a lot. seen so many in different states of mental breakdown. but it is the same as when i worked as a nurse — the patients knew i SAW them, the person that was every bit as important as any. you see the soul, you love who they are. i don’t know how to explain it. but i know that it can pull someone back from that ledge of alone-ness. when they see that you see them. i have been through so much and determined so many things. it does come down, to taking care of yourself in a forthright way. putting your needs first, in many cases. but also, trying to have an honesty with yourself regarding how you are doing, and how your life is going or not going.

it’s not easy, and not for anyone. i don’t reserve tough lives only for the mentally ill. i sometimes think that the mentally ill have a step up on things, because they have taken time to learn and develop higher coping skills.

what is different about me, is i remember my years of not being mentally ill. i remember having “a life” and how i was so busy, probably couldn’t even tell you who the president was. i worked and made money and never questioned … i never questioned. so now i do. can’t say if that’s good or bad, but it has lead me to a place where i look at things very differently than others. i don’t assume the “correctness” of any conformity or socially accepted mannerisms and norms. actually judge on an entirely different level.

i don’t know if that is good or bad. sometimes, i wish is was back into a busy life, with no time to look at things and wonder. eh …… come see, come saw. 🙂 i have fought long and hard for understanding, through my writings. to make others see that there is not that big a difference, and that sometimes it’s like mental illness doesn’t exist at all. got any idea how hard that piece of knowledge hit me? when i ran over the lines from the wizard of oz — and just took on the entire reality that ALL of medicine is made-up names? that it all is basically a very large con, going on for years. and that the only proof of any good of medicine, is if they heal.

and i’ve had to heal myself. not that i have given others much chance at it for decades, now. but it’s all pretty much one of those doors you open, that you can’t just shut again. i can’t pretend i don’t know that. i can’t pretend that i don’t know, that the reason they are always “discovering” new illnesses, is because those 3 illnesses used to be one illness. and they looked a little deeper, and found more. and tomorrow, they will look a little deeper, and find more. and the tomorrows after that, they will look deeper and find more — until the one illness, that was cured with a spoonful of sugar — now takes 60 different medications for 40 different made-up names. and it never gets cured.

and that’s the cynic in me — but yea. that’s basically how it works. so the diagnosing of mental illness, is basically a form of dealing with people that are having freak-outs. and the thing with schizophrenics, or those showing that degree of freak-out — is that it is at a stage kind of past the point of no return. i’ve gone out — and back in. crazy and freak-out time — and then back to where i’m reasonable. or fairly so. i still like to unsettle others, sometimes. just because it’s interesting and makes for a difference. i try not to manipulate, and i try to be honest and forthright. i guess the thing many people never see in me, is how much i care.

that’s kind of strange, but that is the thing. that’s it in a nutshell. people don’t want someone that is strong and who cares — they want someone who is weak that they can take care of. someone that is dependent, and makes them necessary. hmmmmmmm ………. so why don’t the mentally ill ever get any sympathy? they mostly get scorn, and lots of it.

i wonder about that a lot. but has something to do with what i was talking about earlier, sets and subsets. and trying to place others in a subset away from yourself, so that you can be the “anti” of whatever it is. and so, for the most part — those who crave and yearn to call people like me crazy? they are the ones doubting their own sanity the most. and so i try to have sympathy with them. i never feared my own insanity. and that’s the difference. it doesn’t scare me, only what people will do to me scares me. but i don’t fear GOING insane. i mostly think of it all as biological, and consisting of finite parameters.

and i’ve seen miracles. i’ve prayed, and asked for rest, and rest came. i had a mother of many children, and illegal mexican immigrant on a farm — pray with me, and put a blanket over me and it was like all the anxiety evaporated and i was able to rest. so there are miracles, and there is a God, even if it is only in your own head. that’s what i believe. matter itself, is an ever-folding and moving solution … a mixture of life and death and expression.

eventually, we all get old. and most who get very old, eventually lose some part of their mind. they live in memories, or find other ways to cope. and i don’t see that as an illness, i see that as inevitable. what surprises me, sometimes — is when i think how my life is shortened. has been, from the damage of being used as a guinea pig one too many times for the next great revelation in pills. and i sort of cry quietly to myself. like i lost something, and i don’t know what. and i’m more afraid of those tears. there is something about self-pity that is unnerving. but also, it’s a different kind of crying than i’ve ever had for others that died.

a very childish thing. to sit and feel sorry for myself. but i don’t think it’s wrong, just a little out of whack. better to worry about what you can do with the time you have.

the mind … is a tricky thing. i like how it is explained in this book i have — that we have a mind, a spirit, a soul, and a body. four things that make up what humans “are.” the book is over a century old. so what have we learned? treat the mind, by drugging the body and ignoring the soul, while crushing the spirit.

i’m just not sure that’s the best method to success, is all. and i don’t know that schizophrenics are that much different. sometimes a spirit needs to be free. sometimes the ties that bind the four together are too strong or too weak. i have pictured myself going completely over the edge and staying there. pushing around a shopping cart, and yelling at strangers. the difference, is i know the mind part and the avenues where that becomes reality. i know exactly what to fear.

shutting down, is easy now. it’s caring about anything that’s hard.

how the difference between thee and me centers on the absolute of letting go to the largest subset of useless humans

it’s interesting. i do think that looking at the mannerisms of gaslighting, manipulations, etc. — can be a valuable tool for hindsight. but looking for all the toxic traits in another, because you are unhappy with them — can be very problematic and ultimately feed paranoia.

while there are many individuals that plot and scheme, a large many are just trying to figure things out, same as you. and in figuring things out, perhaps copying some attitudes or reactions they’ve seen in a favorite movie, for instance — and then you are translating that as deliberate aggression and manipulation, a plotting and undermining where little or none may exist. the problem is then in the person who sees themselves as a victim, becomes more afraid and hyper-aware of possible manipulations. analogy to that would be a jumpy cat. and if others are in fact, manipulating — the mapping of every point only places you in a greater state of predictive behavior: you are predictively fearful.

so i find it becomes this round-robin of accusations, and truth is, nobody is perfect. there IS such a thing as lack of empathy, or those who are more self-centered. but a doctor performing surgery, cannot allow themselves to mentally “hurt” for the patient, so is that a wrong thing? and so the problem exists, when attempting to apply absolutes to human feelings and behavior. there are so many exceptions to the rules, that there needs to be a question made, of whether rules are appropriate.

the thing i am noting, is that every few years we have a new demonized mental “type” — that is then described in detail according to someone’s standard of people they hate.

and i have said this before — “mental illness” is just a very complicated way of saying you don’t like somebody. and i would propose, that the “actual” problem, lies in the inability to simply say, “i don’t like you.” or “i don’t like them.” and not feel the NEED TO JUSTIFY THE REASONING FOR DISLIKE.

but aside from that, i feel that labeling others and considering this or that action part of the narcissist umbrella, and therefore you are justified in disliking them and their actions — not only does that feed fear and paranoia, it feeds isolation. “all are queer but thee and me, and even thee is a little queer at times.” and that then feeds the wish to see oneself as ‘perfect’ and the committed ideal. it is a very real symptom of the isolationist approach to life. believe me, i’ve studied that extensively.

and fact is — you feel much better inside, when can just say that people are pretty much all good, and all are trying. the sweeping generalizations — and the generalization that manipulators are evil — well, i don’t know how i’m supposed to look at that. when every poet, IS a manipulator. that is the point………

i know i can fit under that toxic description (from an article on 20 ways to identify a narcissist). the popularity of claiming someone is a narcissist, has me a little ticked off that i need to learn how to spell that, now. ugh! but i don’t really mind that the herd has moved away from yelling at someone they’re bipolar, to screaming at someone that they are a narcissist. but at some point, would be really nice if folk would practice saying “i don’t like you.” and remember that they have that choice. you HAVE the choice to not like someone, with NO justification. ok? alright? that does not need justification. or classification.

fact is, i have felt better when deciding most people are good and just trying. it is a relief to tear down that wall, and kind of let the demonization of others go. you are always going to be able to find something. this is fact. always always always.

i have investigated the isolationist tendency to demonize others and mark certain actions as inherent. it comes down to classification and generalization. is actually a function of sociology, and we could probably blame national geographic magazine for this whole trend. but i’ve felt better, when i classify all as part of a changing, volatile solution. in other words, you find somewhere inside yourself, to create a largest common denominator for every single person. and then label it “not perfect, humans, the ones i love.”

setting a subset APART from yourself can feel good for awhile. it can even seem to reinforce your own “good” behaviors. or your “good” state of being — white, black, brown skin; or formally educated; or tall or short; or female or male. once you create a subset APART — then there is no longer ANY lowest common denominator set.

that’s the thing. and the other thing …….. is that humans will often and predominately react in the way that is expected. if you believe someone is crazy, then your actions TOWARD them, will engender the reactions FROM them, that reinforce your belief that they are crazy. and then at that point, everyone needs to be asking, “who is manipulating who?”

emotional abuse is a real thing, but the important thing to look at is the ways you yourself fell into that — not the signs of toxic people or abusers. because you will be labeling all day, afraid of your own shadow. and the only one you ultimately can change, is yourself. you can banish the narcissist, determining some “types” are toxic. but by the 10th or so description of the “bad people” — i’m going, come on, now! give me a break. it’s too much. and the problem in BEGINNING that, is the process just grows and grows to include more and more infractions. like the ten commandments on steroids. and i don’t know how to support something like that, without going , well … that’s crazy too.

the thing about the wide world, and beauty, and surprises. it happens when fear does not take over to make exact things–expected things–happen. and part of that is putting up with “toxic” people … or if you decide you don’t like someone, just don’t like them. you don’t need a reason. are allowed to like some and not like others. if it’s an individual, rather than a group … then think how many you’ve saved from unfair classification.

and it comes down to that. even the classification of organisms in biology. i’m not sure anybody addressed the philosophical impact before they started doing that. anyway … no, there are not “toxic” people. only bad ways of interacting with each other. at some level, there is monkey see, monkey do. and at another level, thought is given to the doing. sometimes it’s a process.

look how many bipolar people appeared, once you started looking for them! lol … gotta love how this is all about math. teaching sets and subsets. and the one goal, of classifying OURSELVES AS WORTHY …………lol, well — when it comes to saints and sinners, i have always made clear that i would gladly party with any sinners … and never worship saints. life is too short. and much too short to take all the “signs of narcissism ” seriously. i do hope this fad goes away before i have to learn how to spell that word indefinitely.

beyond that, i’m not sure how to address my own proclivities to classify and determine nature. or earth, of people, of things. part of the problem, is my own tendency to rely on generalizations. and i don’t know what to do about that. i think it has something to do with degree of brain activity, but on the other hand it might be something fueled more by instinct and needs for survival. hard to say.

the thing about “hating” on something or some group of somethings — is that the closer you are as a subset TO that group of the somethings — the MORE you will hate that subset, to set it apart from yourself.

i guess that comes under quitting smoking 101. the person that is the ex-smoker will be miles more of a pain in their idealism to look at smokers as evil.

i think if we took sociology, and psychology — and mapped them in sets and subsets as functions in math, maybe some sense could be made of it. or some solutions. because listing more things wrong with people we don’t like, is going nowhere.

how words are meant to confuse souls

the thing about the reporting on trump, is they will say something like, “president trump spoke once again on the importance of building a wall.” and that sounds almost normal, when in actual words, he said something like, “we’re going to build that wall, it will be tremendous!” so the paraphrasing creates statements into something they are not.

i found it kind of startling, to hear trump supporters talking about how they use an “inner-translator” to tell themselves what he “really” means. ????? they treat him like he is some genius that is hard to understand because it is so amazingly deep. when what he actually is, is a con man. a con man that enjoys the ability to deny, to back track. it comes in handy when he wants to state that he doesn’t remember ever making that deal with you. you just understood him wrong.

I’ve seen this so often in my life. it’s one of those low moves, that you expect from people desperately in over their head. like a boss that needs scapegoats everywhere, and has to make more through kick-backs because he has 3 mortgages on his house.

and trump has professional translators, so another step he can blame. people who have the job of describing what the president “really means.” then he can send a second one out, saying the first one is wrong. this is utter insanity. at some point, wouldn’t it make the most sense to have a president that didn’t talk in riddles?

the degree of excuses, are similar to what you have to arm yourself with when raising an aggressive child — he didn’t really MEAN to bite your girl. he’s REALLY telling her how much he likes her! it’s a format of excuses and double-speak and lord knows. the end product is a distinct distrust for those doing the explanation, while forgetting that the whole problem is the source of that remedial diction — the president himself.

the entire nation gets treated to a building distrust and trepidation, as more and more step up with versions of what the president “really meant.” and when are we going to call “uncle?”

i sometimes wonder if those who love this kind of wishy washy diction were raised in households where nobody means what they say, and never say what they mean. households that depend on “tone” and body language more than actual words. (there’s a whole science to that, some estimations put it at 80% of communication can occur through body language.) that’s why i said to listen to audio only of presidential speeches — pretend it’s 1930 if you have to. i find it fitting.

(though ask myself why bother explaining this? trump is probably not even the one running things. is probably as much a victim of the republican party as the rest of us. )

what it comes down to — is i hugely object when everyone is supposed to guess what trump means, by ignoring what he said. the president is the one who tells us if there is danger. now we are all in a giant story of the boy who cried wolf. we can’t trust what comes out of that mouth, but he is where he is.

–and the troll legions are brainwashed into some kind of trump cult communication. they absorb the ambiguity, and it feels like it’s right inside of them — because it is! interpretation makes you feel closer to the speaker. that’s why it’s used as a rhetorical-critic ploy.

trump requires ‘representatives’ everywhere re-define every word that comes out of his mouth for anything that ranges into official levels. though we can’t decide that, because he seems to be still stuck in a campaign mode – and has a problem of figuring out what a president actually does. we would probably settle for him to keep his mouth shut until he can speak clear and concisely.

not to mention –even written orders are so unclear, they are ‘cleaned up’ with a glossary, or need to be reviewed by the courts before being sent back, like the teacher that has to give a student their homework back–to redo it so there is at least something to grade.

so the courts have to weigh in, because of cryptic orders —-and double-speak that doesn’t belong in a presidential order at all —– and all this costs time, money, trust?… this is what happens when you put an inexperienced man in charge of the hamburger grill, and he burns it all. then you say the customers are wrong for not liking burnt hamburgers.

it’s all so bizarre, it’s freaking me out. i try to remind myself this is just an insecure time. many had them, we have photos of all the frowning people before the world wars, that’s for sure.

then to get a strange dictator wanna be who depends on loyalty for his operation … it’s confusing. the image of someone you have to defend, and explain what he really means, with the image of a person who takes what they want. so why does everyone jump at trying to figure out this very odd dictator-poet?

trump is the old man who is confused and muses to himself. but he has never practiced on clarifying his speech. and why? spoiled as all get out, surrounded by yes men and never had to be clear and concise to anyone. just throws whatever out there.

leave everything open to interpretation. cover your rear by using double-speak. i employ that all the time. but try to do it without insulting reader’s intelligence. trump has no such boundary. he insults away until most are jaw-dropped.

“nukes are bad?” gee thanks for that info. have been wondering my whole life. now i get to believe that because you said it.

the scary thing is — that is how followers in a cult develop their dependency on a cult leader. they actually end up believing, that his words are the first time they realized that nukes are bad.

it’s partly the collective nature, followers that come together –talk with each other — reaffirm how RIGHT their leader is– nukes are bad. but how we need more of them, so much more! because he said that, too. and what it does, is create a body of hypocrisy following and justifying hypocritical logic, and as followers they end up surrendering their own integrity.

so it’s hard to watch. generally, in civilized society, we try to eliminate those who promote hypocritical stands in their followers.

but it feels like the adults have left the building — like the nation is stranded on this lord of the flies island. and i have the glasses, but i sure as sh*t ain’t going to save this crew. don’t want them playing with fire on top of everything else….

when it comes to dependency on interpretation, we poets know something about that, right? metaphor. you throw it out there and let the listener decide. only — if you say something mean, and don’t specify a target — then they might think it is about them. i’ve seen a million and one games played with that.

but in a leader, to have all that ambiguity is odd. and paraphrasing it to make it sound like normal communication, is not doing anyone any favors. so that’s my point for this whole long bloody write. stop cleaning up his speech for him.

put what trump ACTUALLY says, and THEN write your interpretation of what that might mean. or your interpretation of how that would sound if a real president were saying something similar, after the reality of how trump expressed himself.

otherwise, it makes him sound normal. and he’s not. he’s insane. if you’re only reporting with use of a paraphrased interpretation –that’s not the truth, and you are joining the ranks of trump mouthpieces — with their alternate facts — desperately trying to paint a picture of normalcy, that JUST ISN’T THERE.

listen … only listen to trump speeches. don’t depend on your body language interpretation — the waving of the “ok” symbol. all that BS. just listen.

i guarantee, the spell will break, and you will go — why is this auto mechanic from the Bronx running the country? he sounds like a round, short man with a five o’clock shadow — he sounds like he is trying to BS himself into thinking he knows the job. he knows manipulating people. but is an AGING auto mechanic that depends more and more as he ages, on the loyalty of customers. customers he grabs by the shoulder and tells them they are getting the best deal ever, because you’re my friend! we are buds! and then he charges them twice as much.

it’s not how you run a country. it’s barely how you run an auto shop. at some point it will all end. i just hope it doesn’t end by us all going into the darkness together. you might want to google Jonestown, and remind yourself what happens to cults with members that trust implicitly.

btw ….. i’m going to be pissed for awhile, since this mistake in president is going to cost me a lot, once the inflation hits and i can only afford ramen for dinner.

and those who are eating ramen now, frack me, i don’t know what’s going to happen to them.

so stop making something like trump sound civilized. he’s not. this is not what civilized people do. this is not what civilized people are? i never thought of it like that. i figured that smart societies find the ways for most everyone to have a kind of peace– i picture them interacting and having this way about them. and intelligent conversations, that don’t center on what was done, but what can be done in the future when built with a sense of hope.

it’s a big picture event i look at sometimes, like the best of all worlds. along with roads not covered in trash from people throwing trash out the windows of their cars. and i know it’s hopeless. i really do. i see enough trash to know it’s hopeless, ok? i know the president is the casino mob boss kind — the wrestling event showman. the people love it. the people love throwing trash out the windows of their cars. they love throwing gum on sidewalks. love the lack of dignity, and the comfort that are all going to hell together.

you don’t get that kind of divorce from reality just reversed. lost is lost.
i still dream? i still think about maybe getting there some day. but it’s not on this road. i know that much … fact, integrity, and intelligence are necessary. you don’t build a stone house out of gobs of spit, right? well i just see a whole huge spit-lake.

it makes my little dream of civilization seem even more distant. so i’m pissed about that, too. in fact, that hurts more than the ramen thing. i can live without food.

can’t live without my dreams.


Saturday Sermon number 4 because i feel like today is Saturday

ha! that’s well put. chaos is the only answer to fractal repetition. the beauty of the untended garden. opposition is a difficult ground on which to place definition.

at one point, i took it all the way to the “big bang” of opposition creating the start of everything ordered in the universe. it didn’t work.

freedom must see beyond the cage of our own bilateral balancing act. the difference between a circle and a sphere? a linear that must be straight, otherwise is it only one part of a very large circle. the up and down of measured existence, even in time.

human interaction is not only messy, it must be messy. otherwise, the predictive nature calls forth machine, not man. that is where my hopes live. i bought a measuring cup yesterday. force myself to cook without one, for the most part. measurement is only as good as the consistency of the ingredients themselves. then are caught in requiring consistency. and then what is boredom? lol…

people trade in uncertainty for boredom. fear …. survival …. power. i light up a cigarette and reread my words. think about my need for the soap box and what that means. i know how to reach for freedom, how to not force a garden, how to leave the ordered state and simply enjoy life. it’s the little things. but they need room, and need to be as far away from despair as possible. that is one opposition that is worthwhile to maintain. recognize the roots of your despair. find where it lives. then go ok, that is the NOT.

i have sat in cells, pumped with drugs that eradicated my imagination. you don’t realize how dependent you are on that, until it is gone. until the moment in which you live, is the moment that is forever. until despair itself has no roots. what i found there was the emptiness of ordered existence at the mercy of others. once i comprehended that human beings will purposely work to keep something alive just to torture it … once i opened myself up to that realization. that depth. i knew that i myself could never hold on to anything as permanent. the flux and flow of life is the opposite of evil. chaos is the redemption that tells us fear and order make poor bedfellows.

look for what has no pattern until it has a pattern. then look at patterns. look at how anxiety drives us to require imagined predictability. and then be thankful to all the heavens, that life is everything that is not predictable, and more. the difference between a circle and a sphere? those things that test our imagination. after all, chaos might simply be another form of order. life might be the complete cage, where predictability reigns, and the only reason it’s not quantified is the inability of the mind to do so. i think about that. then i’m glad i’m not.

in some ways, reaching for more knowledge can be a path to greater despair, as attached to the “laws” of the reactive process surrounding us. when reactive processes can be a comfort – like the crowds dressing in warm coats at winter. there is an expectation, that it cycles and circles. that the opposite of cold will always be warm. but without that inner part of yourself, that can form its own reactive processes and go against all that is considered necessary. when you entertain the other paths, then the path you are on is a choice, not an obligation.

and the need for predictability is your own expression of love for others. to comfort expectations for the sake of calm. to be something that is considered non-threatening, and to hold off applying your own realizations for the moment that calls for them. which is sometimes never.

the quail have come onto my patio, looking for food and water. and they left. i find their calls comforting. the natural order of their existence that has a pattern to me, and yet i know that is more due to my ignorance than due to any innate repetition. i don’t speak quail.

life is too short. but it’s length is beside the point. what makes me happy, in this world of chaos and order, is that freedom is just a word for a concept much larger than any definition maps. the irony is that we have one word, and then spend lifetimes of trillions of words to describe the one. the irony is that we have dictionaries at all. the sharing of thought is fascinating for its forms, not for its content. we all live in the same reality, even if some theirs is special. so what is special? singular … original?

it’s the need for that, not the manifestation of its action. it’s the need for art, and the further exploration of the self. the ability of the self to survive. to take the moment. to pause in typing, and listen to the quail. to smile. to know — deep down inside — that there is maybe a God and maybe not a God. that order is something perceived, not necessarily something that actually manifests. that human understanding is always going to be limited. that freedom is not so much the dissolving of limits, but the mapping of where those limits are necessary.

number one, there is no such thing as limits for intelligence. you learn. you learn to learn more. the pathways in the brain grow. you exercise logic, you don’t create it. there are points in that journey, where despair hit me like a rock. i recall sitting in the bath tub, picturing all … all … as it spiraled to greater and back again. there was no freedom of the linear. only mistaken freedom. that was at the stage. once i exercised the mind beyond that realm of concept — i saw greater interactions that lead away from despair.

it’s like they say, that the in between of comprehension is what will allow insanity to bite you in the ass. how can you advise others to take your own “path” to enlightenment, when you know how many pits it contains? each has to find their own. i’m no closer to “correct” than a snail climbing a rock away from the rain. reactive states of being.

the important thing to realize, is that we can think alike. we can act alike. but it is the differences that save us from ourselves. it is the opposition of differing magnitudes. it is the fact that something pisses me the hell off, and you only see me — want the human being you care about to be “happy.” to focus on the joys, and leave that which can drag a mind down …be. i understand, and appreciate the degrees of love, the degrees of caring. my view is singular to my existence, just as yours is singular to your own. i even quantify “caring” as manifestations born out of perceived states.

chaos and order. circles and spheres. the imagination is a very rich playground. the artist is not a role, it’s a reaction. only fits a form, if that is the form you use.

i can imagine other worlds. mostly i wonder about a world of expression that is not limited to the lowest common denominator of the receiving end. where it all attaches, the male and female of “the plug.” the representation born through so many ‘inventions’ of man and his industry. the fascination. the fact that as adults, we still get mired in the investigation of our own body parts. the foundations and framework of initial comprehensions.

it’s why poetry says so much more, by saying less. it’s why we don’t need definitions for words. we need words that defy definition. it’s why the good in life is the unexpected. why i look at polka dots on a purse, and smile. why there is no right way to live. only a right way to live with others.

i sat in that cell, and faced the deepest horrors of human action. and that horror was not from expanding vision. it was from limiting the mind itself, to the mindset of others. to break free from that, is to challenge your own ability to love. to let some things go. to live not just for your own comfort, but in the awareness of what helps or harms. chaos and order, the way of law and the mapping of reactions to degrees of fractal that only implode on themselves into greater detail.

have to be able to let that go. feel the sunshine, know that life itself is a beauty that defies any categorization. all of science itself, only marches blithely onward to a perceived ideology of stasis. the wonder of it all, is that i know how ordered states absolve fear. the reason i don’t fear life, or death, or even what next year will bring for our country. why i do not fear, is because my mind moved beyond that. i had to place myself into a state of hope that ranges past any “faith” in man and the limits we impose on each other.

part of me wants to give that to others. part of me knows i never can. each has to do with their own culminations of joys and sorrow. i now my answer to those that like to perceive me as flawed, as crazy — my answer is to feel pity for the minds that are caught in perceptions of order imposed upon them by fear — fear generated and accepted into their own hearts. from others, from life that taught them that nothing is fair. that struggle is the antidote to emptiness.

i pity out of genuine understanding, have moved through that state to where i exist now. which is not a place of loneliness, though you could call it a reaction to that. it’s a place where i get that i’m not anything special in this world. that the world has to be special to me. that the question was NEVER “does God love me?” the question, is if i love God. how you show that, then — is how life turns on something more than what you can give and what you can get.

the concerns of rich and poor, wealthy and destitute. the search for meaning. life brings us to so many crossroads. often i think it is the INNS at those crossroads that matter, not the destinations that span out. that spell our choices. our justifications that are based solely on interpretations of pattern and laws that are merely abstract designs, in the first place.

the reason i write, is because it gives my thoughts someplace to live. i can take one detail to heart’s content. limited only by my own perception of how long any sane person would listen. how far any would follow on my questionable trains of thought. many times, we hope joy is that thing everyone finds, even if it means finding it out of innocence. i don’t believe in that. i don’t believe in protecting others from reality. years ago, i named this blog, “from an otherwise sane perspective.” what i place here is the crazy. what i keep unsaid is the sane.

when the world has decided that i embody a defect of “crazy” — then i will take that and make it look sane to you, and ask you why you think you are so different than me? why do you believe that my actions had no purpose? because they certainly have had their impact. where it goes, nobody knows. that’s the beauty.

that’s why my poetry is where you will find the decisions. the bump to myself, where i challenge even my deepest comprehensions according to their framework. we all have lives to live. the world has collectively decided to disregard mine as unimportant. so i made it important on a differnt level. i decided to write on this blog, and that only happened because someone formed wordpress. because someone followed the ‘norm’ and were good little citizens and started a business. how can i NOT appreciate that?

therefore i let it go. my ‘spot’ in this world doesn’t matter. my view of order or chaos, and the click of the typing as i work to slow things enough, to put them into a form that can be “shared.” just love it when someone says “thanks for sharing” …lol. sarcasm … being put through a mind for no use. nothing to show for the time spent. in some ways, with the title of this blog, i warned of that. at one point i removed the “from an” and made it “otherwise sane perspective.” the definition that is a word. the word that is Eileen. or me. whatever that happens to be at the moment.

life gives you lemons, and you make lemonade. well i stockpiled the dumb things, and there’s a lot of juice to be made. life is too short. art is forever. we were all “given” the ambitions that drive and motivate from one day to the next. but in my understanding, people only appear to be ‘sheep’ when you do not know them. you get beyond the surface, and the details are always there.

that is why i don’t despair, over the state of man, or his search or denial … why i let the garden grow with both its chaos, and its order. it’s easy to quantify reaction. not so easy to multiply that by the diverse nature of man himself.

i have other memories, besides the cell where i met reality. the punishment i got for being “different.” in contrast, i have the memory of gripping a boogie board, waiting in the ocean for a wave. waiting for the “perfect” wave — judging what is good. what won’t work. sometimes the good ones get past you. but the JOY of that memory, is not in the riding the wave part. the joy is in the bobbing in the ocean, the wait that caused me to slow down. to LOOK at the world. to see the beauty and weep … just weep for every single thing that is given.

every single moment that gives me gratitude for the next. no, i don’t think humans need to order much more of the world into predictable little snippets. i want to set them free. i want them to see that it isn’t crazy, if you have a reason.

i will go first, for survival. but sacrifice is what you do, when love leaves and you ask yourself where it went. painful matters of the spirit are only ghosts, the manifestation that just needs a good wind to blow it out and away. and physical is different. discomfort, and the far reaching power of medicine, and the industries that tell us “if you don’t have your health, you have nothing!” and then they call challenges of the spirit, “mental health.” all kinds of manipulation, with all the insults to even the average intelligence.

i think about that, and the work to move people into states of behavior that will benefit the self. in so many ways, it is the inescapable nature of man. then the only question becomes, who are you dealing with? friend or foe?

at some point in the future, i imagine how the code of pattern i have woven into every word placed here, will be cracked. that the message is not the words and their definition, the message is their music. i look at the future as the friend. i look at hope as the companion necessary for my existence. whether it be in a cell, or on an ocean. you all have a really good new years, though i’m not sure of the person that put us on this merry go round in the first place. it’s a dead end into despair. but celebration has its own divinity in the scope of things. i can appreciate that. i also know that every day is another day for one like me. i fear boredom more than i fear the wrong designs that lead to multiple cases of despair. i want surprises, i want the polka dots on a purse. what i never want is your pity.

what i never want, is scorn that determines i was ‘born bad’ — what can you do? NO ONE IS BORN BAD. GOD DON”T MAKE JUNK. i can see that. i don’t care if you can see that or not.

when i walk to the store, i don’t want pity from those who drive. i don’t want them believing that i am not capable of changing my own state of existence, because “been there, done that.” it’s only exploration if the path you forge is new! i don’t want pity for the crap i’ve undergone in the past. that’s not my goal. go feel sorry for the people selling barbie dolls at the swap meet. but don’t feel sorry for me. i am always where i need to be, and what i want from you is to change the crap that’s being dished out, that is being called ‘normal’ with no thought to the consequences of collective action. “sorry” doesn’t heal someone like me. what heals, is seeing real changes that impact lives for the better.

that’s why i side with the left, and going forward, not going backward. sometimes the death of a master is freedom. if God oppresses you, then killing “God” frees you. “been there, done that,” too. i want to see you smile at the birds — not be carefree like them. because there’s no such thing as carefree.

and circles are for the birds. boredom is for sissies. i never did learn to speak quail, but in my defense there were no quail where i grew up, and so i understand seagull speak, instead. a plaintive bird, the seagull. grey when young, white when they grow old and greedy. they are both brave, and beautiful. i know i am no beauty. i’m not trying to be beautiful, i’m trying to find what looks beautiful to ME. the woman who would watch me stop and admire her roses … who would come outside with a pair of clippers, and cut some and hand them to me. see, THAT was beautiful. it needed no words. a gesture of good faith. friend or foe?

my best achievement is when i shut up, and listen. but when all i did was listen, you all decided i had nothing to say.

Open townhall meeting for ideas to help UTA transit system

Today the citizens of Utah are being asked to contribute ideas for the improvement of the UTA public transit system.

1) Ok, where do I begin? Number one, the biggest deterrent to use of public transportation is the time schedules. They vary and you have to go online or have some way to know how long you might be standing at a bus stop. How logical is that?

Am saying it would make a little more sense to go with smaller buses that arrive at bus stops at equal intervals. Ten minutes or fifteen minutes, or even 20 minutes if funds are tight. The biggest deterrent is the wait, and the fact that if a bus is missed, it could be up to an hour wait or more for the next bus. But you don’t even KNOW that unless have access to a schedule.

So far every transit system has been treated like electricity, and the need to cover ‘peak’ times. But the peak times could be covered by then running a larger bus at peak times, not by changing schedules.

The entire “trip planner” thing has got to go. You need to put planning into the system itself, so that extensive planning is not required by a citizen to go from point A to point B. The way that things are now set up with bus schedules, it’s as if they are designed to discourage public transit. Think about that, and what it takes to encourage more people to buy more cars. And then think about the pollution situation in Salt Lake Valley, in large part caused by the skyrocketing number of vehicles on Utah roads.

You invest money on widening streets…and leave the bad UTA situation as it is for the sake of helping the big boy oil companies, that are the wealthiest corporations in the world already? Now I understand that kind of pandering, but the point of a government is to ensure the best choices for all of its citizens, not just the ones already swimming in money. After all, I’m really moved by the ad for Larry H. Miller and her expression of a family business that is so important to THEM. But give us a break, you’ve had your day in the sun. Salt Lake City needs better options. Blocking the sale of electric cars is just another flower on everyone’s grave. And not investing in mass transit for a better future, is digging those graves.

2) So let’s try to do the right thing. It’s not that hard to figure out better solutions. Better schedules is just one that stands out to me more than anything. That is the biggest deterrent for bus use. They are not predictable. But how about the fact that it’s a little nuts to have buses outfitted for wheelchair accessibility, but to have so few ways for wheelchairs to even arrive at a bus stop?

Got any idea how that panics poor people? Who know that they might have to be in a wheelchair someday and that means they can’t get around? As it stands now, losing your legs in Salt Lake City means you’ll have to be a shutin, either that or raise the money to support a private vehicle. And I don’t think that’s fair.

When I was a teenager in California, they built ramps into every single sidewalk. In Salt Lake City, you are lucky if you even have a sidewalk? It’s insanity, but that is what happens when car dealerships and oil companies come first. And I’m very serious about that. It’s all very impressive that you are in bed with the big boys, but let’s start thinking about what’s good for the people, ok?

3) No cloth bus seats or train seats…exclamation mark, period! Knowing a bright cheerful pattern is covering up the baby throw-up on the seat you have to use, is not very comforting for those of us who have an idea just how much is ‘hidden.’ Plastic seats that get hosed down once a day, please!

4) Reflector poles that a transit user must push up and down to get a bus driver’s attention is pretty much on the insane side. How about a fluorescent orange flag attached to the pole that can be pushed up to indicate that someone is waiting for the bus? Or better yet, push a button that signals on the bus itself that someone is waiting at the stop? IF that is needed. What is the incident rate of transit users missing a bus because the driver does not see them? I imagine it’s fairly small and that UTA implemented a line budget item for one squeaky wheel.

5) Another interesting thing is in regards to the sponsoring of bus stop seating by advertisers. So the places where the most seating for a wait are available, is on busy roads where buses are more frequent and the wait time is less. How insane is that? I mean, really? Anybody using their noggin’ there? It’s very disheartening. I don’t know the “fix” to that, but it’s very hard to see that without giving a large sigh for society in general.

6) And we are down to the bus routes, themselves. We have the technology to have every single person that is thinking of using public transportation, to weigh in via computer. WE DO. There is the capability to have a type of polling for data on where bus service is needed the most–a determined probability of users that need to get to work daily, or for planned outings. Yet the UTA buses are using route maps designed, I assume–according to who with power was living where, when they were first structured. And the kids are long gone, new families in the houses, even. Yet the bus stops deviate off of main roads to go in this complicated pattern that only makes sense if you chalk it up to preferential treatment from way back when. This was done in California, too–so don’t feel bad. I just believe it’s time to do a reevaluation with the technology that we have available. So take a poll, see who actually needs bus service on a grid, and determine better routes.

There can be a periodic revue of that. Why not? It will give you a line-item budget feature to replace things like reflective flashers and printing bus schedules (since if buses arrived at regular intervals, users would only need access to route map information, not constantly changing times).

And I guess that’s it, for now. If I think of something else, will see about adding it. I know some are major changes, but you asked.

Life is too short. Let’s clean up the air in Salt Lake Valley, get more people on the buses and trains, and find a future that is good for all PEOPLE, not just those supporting automobiles and in turn supporting our friends the big oil companies. It’s time the government did it’s job. Let UTA champion that.