Every Now and Then

Every now and then I wonder
Every now and then I see
Every now and then I look away
When you look right at me…

It’s a shame we aren’t forgiven
For all the things we’ve never done
All the hopes we’ve never shared
All the games we’ve never won

Every now and then I wonder
Every now and then I see
A light ahead
A darkness
A journey just for me

There’s no sin for being worthless
For there’s nothing left to prove
There’s no heart that can’t be broken
There’s no love that’s always true

Though I try to see the dawn
Up there ahead it’s kind of faint
There will be an answer soon
Where soon forever paints … the sky a deeper blue
A striking red! A hit
Of colors, flaming
through the next day … After you went away
Now gone

I only sing my song to fly
I only worship open skies
Then ask myself …

Every now and then I wonder
Every now and then I see
Has it mattered … does it matter
What is best for me?
Has it mattered
Does it matter?
What is best for me …

Every now and then
I’m jealous
Of the River that meets the Sea


The science of Sounds and Grunts

The best way to understand English
Is to realize it’s not about meaning of words

English is grunts.

Think of all the vowel sounds,
and some of the consonant ones like S and TH
as grunts

and there are more than one sound per letter on vowels
has what we call long and short — germans have umlats

the meaning or “grunt” is the actual meaning of the word

so when someone says, “that SUCKS!” they aren’t saying it pulls on something

they are using the vowel sound of UGH … yuck ….putz …stuck … muck

duck? maybe too much duck poop at one point

so English has meaning that is not randomly assigned to the terms,
but gains much of meaning through use, or the grunt factor

we grunt “Aye!” in agreement ……… Aye Aye!!! comes with a yes meaning for that sound

bye sigh why my die lie ……… they are all absolutes

I know it’s hard to accept, and I’ve never before heard anyone state this,
but English at its foundation is grunting at each other.

RRRRRRR sound … is an anger sound.

Our use of language, is why I don’t find the “coming from apes”
part of evolution very implausible

because we grunt like apes at each other, in English

and you know, how some people speak, and it just rubs you the wrong way?

that’s because some of their grunts are inverted, probably due to location
or exposure to a cultural change of some kind

so i ended that last line with “i” …….. it means: YES!

dum de dum in the WH ends his tweets with “Sad!”

the sort of short E sound …… what is that in grunts?

“THERE!!!! THERE!!! or in spanish — ESTA!!!

that one …………….. pointing out a problem

you have to respond, yes, get them … or no, that’s not it.

so it’s complex … but it’s not


English is just a language that developed WITH the inbuilt grunts of meaning, not despite of it.

Short “I” — the small-range yuck sound.

Why this information is handy ……. is because the most important part of poetry is always the close.

the last thing said before expecting response.

what KIND of grunt you use at the ending — effects the selection of response

Hissing noise ……. the “S” sound … spitting — anger

it’s not hard

But it becomes so incredibly insane in the outcomes, with expectations for response …that
you cannot imitate american english, no matter how well you use it

there is no way for a foreign person to process the grunts fast enough
to realize the correct grunt reply — or to understand how those cliches
match geographic and timelines

therefore …….. i’m calling it a day

“hey — long A — eyyyy” means “let it be so”

“oh … yo… mow … go” means “now i see”

there is an underlying code of language
the grunts of meaning


made so that you can say something ……
can say whatever …. and that’s not what you really mean

“E … long E …. eeeeee … tree … bee … me” means THIS THIS –here here — or food here

which considering we made the self designation as ME … is a little disturbing 🙂

i’m not sure how i know the grunting sounds ………. might be from watching too much tarzan
which would make it a self-fulfilling prophecy kind of observation, but for one thing:

when i worked at the hospital
and a patient lost their speaking ability due to a stroke
they could still grunt

and i could interpret the grunts
i was the only one that could

but they were there
the foundation of meaning hardwired into the brain

think about it

(short “I” sound means ….)

this is what is meant by phonetics, btw
how sound and meaning have a connection beyond singular designations of meaning for terms

there is a collective meaning

according to the grunts

“U … uh … dumb … plumb” means the punch to gut or the belch

then when you get into the higher language, of better literature … the grunts disappear.
in some sense, it’s more complicated without the grunt running through it. as a separate code.
you must have the actual meanings memorized in a usable format with a foundation of several hundred working terms

but in some ways … in some ways … the use of direct-term meaning (minus grunts) is boring
is LESS complex — and there that is why it puts you to sleep

that is why some teachers put you to sleep
and some wake you up and become invigorating to hear

it’s why there are degrees of what is and is not interesting

and it’s why …. it’s why ………. language and English can be far more intriguing than math

think about it

i have

life is too short

“Or … more … sore … bore” means “of course” or “certainly”

and don’t tell me this is crazy

or even think this is crazy ……. i’ve thought about this a long time
that patient
where i could understand her when no one else could?

i was a young woman preggers with my daughter ……

preggers = pregnant ………. why preggers? why indeed

“A … short A ” means “THERE! THERE!” and “RRRRR … RRRR…” means what? Anger

in changing the word pregnant to the word preggers — it went from excitement to upset

and that, my friends — is how english is built and grows
it’s how we work the code
and how the various layers create almost a live creature

stretching and moving and becoming a mirror image
of the people it occupies

Peace … Love … and Mock and Dole 🙂 (AHHHH OHHHHH …. uh oh –you’re in trouble) that’s a duel-grunt. we have those, too
My my

finish lines

today i am reminded how it is necessary

to examine a premise

so often the trick of arguing a point
so often the goal

is not the point
the goal is to receive an acceptance of the premise

a supposed reality that forms the foundation

but may not be true at all
“how do we stop boys from being bad? maybe they should go to church more.”

so you are then discussing if children need to go to church
based on the premise that “boys are bad.”

you just accepted a reality or truth … and that “truth” skirted all discussion.

it’s an old trick … i’m sure there is even a name for it somewhere

a kind of bait and switch

one that mr. Twit uses all the time

con artists
flim flam athletes

when the premise is wrong
you’ll get this nagging feeling
and argue against the second point even if it makes sense
and then will be in a position of opposed
which then carries forward in decisions

it’s all quite mad … yes.

rhetorical criticism is a rough sport

a tradition of persuasion and profitability

truth becomes secondary and beliefs are sculpted

but there is one way to nip in the bud
on the premise
“why…..why why why why ……..
why do you think boys are bad?”

go to the premise
because an hypothesis is not a theory
and a theory is not a fact

and a fact is not belief

manipulation is how you should sell shoes
it’s not how you should sell ideas

“rich people should learn compassion”

why … why are rich people not compassionate?
ARE they not compassionate?

what is rich?

what is wealth … in a world where
he who has the most toys when he dies, wins?

is win a goal? or is there no end

to goals and deliverance

Sometimes it takes a village

I’m trying to analyze crazy

Bear with me

But like with McGowan last night


I know that state

That place

I have two explanations…

one, is that it is part of being a channel to a

Earth spirit of some sort

Tapping in to a different network

Of some kind

But the other explanation

Is that it’s a delayed childhood development

that what we call “mania”

Is actually a delayed childhood development

In some ways, the mind playing catch up

Certain functions just didn’t come online earlier

So like with McGowan … children will notice

That all the men are in these stoic colors

And that social norms limit

What people wear

And then they will reconcile that somehow

In many ways, a decision

To tow the line with convention or not

The teenage years where those decisions reach an apex

But in delayed development,

The child didn’t notice the men dressed blandly

It didn’t register

Or if it did,

It had to be sidelined

Because more important things were happening

Like with me

I had to deal with my parent’s death

I lost a whole chunk of observational childhood time

Because I was busy trying to figure out death

And it’s not like religion ever had very good answers

To the why of things (no offense, it’s noble to try)

Ok…. so follow me here….

The shelved childhood observations come back later in life

There would be a trigger

Of course

But depending on how much was shelved

If it all comes back at once

There’s an overwhelming need to detail it all.

Not so much to have the answers yourself

But to take ALL that processing time….

The mull…

And convert it into teaching, as a type

Of altruistic venture

To teach

What you have learned…from the mull.

And the only problem is….. That most of the time

That sort of compacted processing

Comes off as mania, as crazy … because they are only great revelations to the person doing the talking, to the person doing the processing. And of course, the collective form of that is like the hippie beat parties, the stoned ones that go into a different processing phase and won’t remember the conversations later. In the morning it’s all gone–but a sense of completion is felt.

Wowed with your own thoughts ….

Without realizing that detailing a problem more doesn’t solve it.

I really like a line from “The Big Bang Theory” where Sheldon says to Penny: “Is there a station coming up where I can board your giggling train of thought?”

Complex strings of logic are important. And they can be creative.

And i don’t think it’s wrong

I think what is wrong is to constantly drug up and interrupt

A process that might need to come to its own conclusion

Of course

I say that as a person who has been interrupted many times….

And then you have to start over

And then they tell you that your “illness”

Is cyclical…. which makes just about much sense as believing

Those who manic are channeling the great earth spirit… or possessed.

So I believe it’s a delayed childhood development

The triggers are demortia spur … (like I coined previously in one writing.)

The threat to life …. the trigger of survival.

And the physical part of it is the lack of sleep

And lack of food

But also, the lack of security.

Security that often can only be found

Within an inclusion by others… community… family, friends.

The more crazy you go, the more excluded you become…. so THAT part is cyclical.


Culminating in a spin or lack of grounding, and what would almost be a desperate re-processing … a reverting in some ways…. to that observational childhood state. Rehashing what was never reconciled.

Nobody gave an adequate explanation.

And I do think it comes down to missing chunks of education … though being raised by teachers leaves me to think everything involves education somehow.

But how many of us say…. “If I only knew then what I know now.”


So I don’t think it’s a terrible thing. Mania or insanity or whatever you want to call spin because of its disconnection.

I think it needs to be treated as a stage of life for some. It is certainly a stage that is currently more acceptable socially in males than it is in females.

Males manic all the time, and it manifests as aggression. Doesn’t key in to the verbal centers. Only males that do have their childhood delayed development key into the verbal centers, are deemed manic or insane.

So for one thing, society…. our culture…. places far too much evaluation of other members, upon language and how they communicate. Men often deal with it by not talking at all. We have the saying that is very popular–“Better to remain silent and let them think you are stupid, than to open up your mouth and remove all doubt.”

It’s not wrong. It’s just a little twisted. The reality is that it’s better to talk and rely on trust, than it is to remain silent and remove all doubt that you are not trustworthy. That’s twisted, too. The end part, is “than it is to remain silent and remove all doubt that you are not interested in understanding another human being.” It’s just not very catchy.

And I can’t pass that by, without saying that the follow-though on that, is it becomes more socially acceptable to use other people, rather than to care about them. So maybe less idioms about not getting to know each other, would be a good thing. *snark snark snarky alert*

To continue…

The more focused on language, the more art. Crazy people are famously artistic….. because why? Verbal doesn’t cut it.

There is too much to be processed, and put into words.

And the connection… the community connection with others… is lacking.

So not only do you wish you knew then what you know now…but there is an abundance of singular knowing, and a lack of–or distancing from–collective comprehensions.

Now….. I’ve worked to get the understanding made live, with the term “gaslighting” so that people in general would have an awareness of those points where others, sometimes unknowingly, oppress others by invalidating them.

In some ways, it’s disturbing to me that that was brought up by McGowan …. as one of the elements in her “catch-up loop.”

It’s not about me.

Believe me, I tell myself that a dozen times a day.

But ideas can be potent, and there needs to be at least some feelings of responsibility. Not to mention that often times,

It’s the medium. It’s the environment that will spark the same revelation across the board in many at the same time.

So to always think a revelation comes exclusively from yourself …is a point of arrogance.

It’s also a pathway to madness.

The insanity found in most religious leaders.

The start of movements or cults or religions are often collective revelations. Instigated by environmental factors.

So anyway…. my main point, is that I believe mania or that brand of crazy….. is a delayed childhood development phenom.

Related to speech development.

Caused by teaching children to speak too early.

Not enough silent observational time…. so it happens later after connected to the speech centers. Sometimes much later, depending on how much gets shelved, and needs processing.

The cause of teaching children to speak too early, is my summation. It’s definitely only in the hypothesis stage.

But I believe, thanks to Baby Einstein … we are going find out rather soon, how developing language too early might effect mental health in an adult.

It’s possible there is no absolute. In that, going really really early, would also miss the window of causality, as well as going really really late… in the teaching of language. But it also might have to do with quantity levels, rather than time parameters.

It is also fair to note that children who grow up bilingual, rarely have signs of mental instability as adults. Their only issue is that when humans are collectively spinning, they don’t.

Mass insanity is real–you take part in it every time an audience begins clapping. Every time a band gets people to start dancing. Those are COLLECTIVE spins. Collective manic. As long as everyone is doing it, it’s ok.

That’s where the rub is, of course.

Oh well….. there are things that can be done, I believe, to limit the number of those who have trouble in the future. But I also believe that IF mental illness is not divorced from the money-making machine that it is for the healthcare industry…. we are just going to see a lot more of it.

All I have said and concluded, might be already known and played. You just never know, in this world. Greed is like that.

Evil for the sake of profiting some at the expense of others. It’s not like we don’t see that in all walks of life. And business.

In fact, the absolute horror of that revelation was one of my own delayed childhood development “spin” times.

And that is key. Make no mistake, that the emotion felt during spin, is horror.

Getting people seduced to horror, reveling in it in movies, is not an answer. It only delays the delayed development. Sets the the revelation horror to a higher bar.

Eh…. maybe. I think I’m grasping at straws as my train of thought tries to find its station.

Directive is:

Lower the language development in early childhood.

For those experiencing mania or who are spinning …knock them out. An injection of phenobarbital, IV for fluids, feed them good when they wake up. Send them home.

Locking them up so you get to watch them together bounce off of each other, and make fun of them….is not good. It’s cruel. Cruel and unusual punishment to those who committed no crime.

Using them (those spinning, divorced from collective processing) to experiment on the ten thousand ways you can modify human behavior with drugs … is cruel. It speaks more about those doing the experiments, than the ones experimented upon.

And so that’s that.

Now I’m going to eat cake. Well, it’s really a pan of cornbread I made the other day, but you get my gist.

Don’t make fun of those trying to process the evil and inconsistencies of this world….. it’s a LOT. You should be handing out medals for their effort. My message to Rose Mcgowan…. is it IS brave. Brave and dangerous. And necessary.

But also, your sisters are dicking with you, Rose. Some people think it’s funny to feed the self-importance of others. The ones you can trust are those who make you feel humble.

The next level is waiting. And so is that cornbread. And home. And a reality that has a foundation. One I found all by myself, with a little bit of help from those that went before. Tradition.

The pan that is dented, and well used, that was my grandmother’s. The bread I made with a pinch of this and that. And a box of Jiffy mix (I’m no martyr).

The love I can feel, even now, that brings a quiet tear for the loss of the one person who always seemed to understand. My keeper? She loved me. That’s all I need to know. That’s all any child needs to know about their parent.

Psychology …. mental illness…..is not always the parent’s fault. Sometimes it takes a village.

Open source woes

It’s really a problem.
I believe in open source…
The concept.
I truly and thoroughly believe
That software advances should be shared
Rather than copyrighted
Or patented,

But the application results
Show more stable programming realities
In paid
And for-profit software.

Dot the i’s and cross the t’s.

And I’m not sure where that leaves my beliefs,

As I turn off the android, once again
Frustrated with its schizophrenic behavior.


Think maybe it’s just Linux itself
That took a wrong turn

The all or nothing
In kernel panic and the
Philosophy of starting over:

Maybe struggling onward,
Is the more trustworthy path.
All judgement reserved,
Not for garbage in garbage out,
But for how much garbage itself can be tolerated,

Before a system up and ends its plight.

I love my belief in open source and the concept of build that does not hold proprietary rights…

And I hate dealing with the haphazard effects of that philosophy.

I support both.
I am a capitalist and a socialist.

Not sure what that makes me,
I’m a believer in function.

Will go to my grave,
Undecided… Perched on every fence
Man has ever made
In his quest to classify

Within battalions of better
And worse,
Right and wrong,
Yes and no:

0’s and 1’s.

Perhaps it’s not a terrible fate, perhaps there is no better path than one that sees all paths and ways as a matter of brave or not brave…. the ongoing process of discernment over apathy.