Dummy mouths the screams of pain

How now brown cow

Jack be nimble Jack be quick

Jack said it was a candle stick

Jill agreed

Jack gaslighted and said no

The candlestick is a bird

The silliest story you’ve ever heard

And Jill left puzzled

Went her way

Perhaps Jack would fly candles

Like a bird some day

For the world is fair

And horizons are vast

And Jack can take that candlestick

And shove it up his….

Mary mary quite contrary

How does your garden grow?

In a world of pain

With fear open wide

Bathed in the gaslight’s glow

Little Jack Horner

Sat in his corner

Watching the world go by

Feelings went numb

Drained on a plumb

Said what a good gaslighter am I!

99 bottles of beer on a wall

99 bottles of beer!

Take one down

Pass it around

200 bottles of beer on the wall

Because the gaslighter

Says so

Itsy bitsy spider went up the water spout

Baa baa black sheep drank the spider out

Have you any wool?

Yes sir yes SIR

12 spiders full

And some day there’s some

Who never see the light

Who only hate a friend

And hurt a friend this night

Some day the sum of matters

Will dawn in every mind

Then numbers will sigh a large sigh

For calculations that worked to be kind…

Little miss muffet

Swore on her tuffet

Tired of blurbs and ways

Along came a sheep

Who coughed out a spider

And frightened miss muffet

To never trust sheep

And she scared all the spiders away

Who’s afraid of the big bad wolf?

The gaslighter spins

And the huff and puff

Only blows themselves in

Little boy blue will blow the horn…

But for me

I will diminish and remain galadrial

Oh my bonnie lies over the ocean

The silence lies over the seas

But round and round the gaslighter bush

Only anger comes back to me…

Have you ever seen

A sky so blue?

Yes sir

YES SIR!

12 spiders full

What happens when you break a sense of humor?

It babbles nursery rhymes

And laughs and laughs

What happens when you call yourself perfect?

You gaslight others to keep it that way

What day did the Lord rest on?

The first one because the rest came after

Do you know how many gaslighters it takes to screw in a light bulb?

Two

One to say a lightbulb is unnecessary

And another to hide it in the light socket

A gaslighter, a duck, and a priest walk into a bar

The gaslighter says “don’t give me that!”

The priest and the duck had said nothing

The gaslighter says “you never understand me!” The priest says a hail Mary, the duck quacks, and the gaslighter steps through the mirror behind the bar and vanishes.

The priest pours beer over the duck

Which of course rolls off its back

And the priest eats the beer mug

Crunching the glass

And staring blankly at the mirror.

He finally asks, “who do you suppose that guy was talking to?”

“Beats me,” says the duck…”he seemed a bit put out”

“He did, didn’t he?” Says the priest

Blood dribbling down his chin.

“Wait a second, you talked!”

He turned to the duck, and the duck

raised his wings in the air and shrugged…..

“That guy finally found who he was arguing with. Are you going to stop chewing glass?”

The priest looks down at his broken glass….”are you going to fly into that mirror?”

“Hell no!”

“Exactly.”

And he chews the glass and swallows, pets the duck with his other hand

And then picks it up and throws it at the mirror

The duck flaps and feathers are everywhere and it finally gets itself sat back down again next to the priest. “What did you do that for????!!!” Screams the duck. The priest said, “I had to see if the mirror is real.”

The duck says, “oh” and he turned and squinted at the mirror. “Well….is it?” The priest said, “no.”

And he stood up and walked through the mirror and disappeared.

The duck sat for a minute, and then grinned. And I’ll tell you, if you’ve never seen a duck grin, it’s a very frightening sight. And he started humming, the song sort of drifted through the bar. Very haunting, it was. “Look on the bright side of life…” And the duck vanished in the twinkling of an eye.

A gaslighter, a priest, and a duck never walked out of the bar. But somewhere in that other world, the duck talks, the priest dies painfully, and the gaslighter sits on a stump listening to the duck talk, with no glass to chew, and he yelled, “I’m sorry you feel that way!”

The duck blinked back to the bar, got a beer, and blinked back to the gaslighter, handing him the beer. The gaslighter poured the beer on the duck, which of course it just ran off like water off a duck. And the gaslighter started chewing the glass.

The duck cocked his head and looked at him. Then smiled. And I’ll tell you, that’s one frightening smile. And the duck flew away. The gaslighter yelled after him, “What do you know about any of it???!!!”

The duck is soaring through the sky as the morning sun begins to rise, painting the world shades of red and pink.

The duck hums… And never ever talks again.

Please look on the bright side of life

Don’t be a duck

Don’t be a priest

Don’t be a gaslighter

Be a sunrise.

And if someone invites you to go to a bar, ask them if it has a mirror.

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