Escalation

I spent my childhood silent

Today i would be diagnosed autistic

After the plane accident and death of my parents

I saw no reason to be friendly

I found no great qualities in others to desire their company

I closed up and simply did not speak

Not until junior year of high school

When i decided to give life a go

Decided that if i didn’t like things

I needed to change things

It was so long ago….

But no

I did not need to ever learn how to stay silent as a child

Because i never spoke

Please don’t make me weep…

It was so long ago

I was so lost

And nobody cared

Nobody understood

The impact…. How much of me died with them!

How much of me

How much is in ashes with that mass grave in California

How much it took

To care enough to come back

And say you know what,

this world is mine, too

I was a stubborn child

But i only watched as the world went by

Kept my judgements to myself

And you know what i learned?

To count as precious ANY communication

To never shush

To never hush

To always treasure every moment of chaos

Because order is so very painful

Alone

Silence is golden?

Perhaps.

But to my ears

It is the weeping that never stops

Endless cries inside

That nobody else heard

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4 Replies to “Escalation”

  1. Thank you for sharing… I hear the pain of your childhood and feel the weight of your silent weep which you kept to yourself so long.
    A shy but lively and pretty image of your little african violet —which you said was almost “half-dead”—also seems to speak to you a lot… I am glad you found her to give her life. May you also find a joyful healing from her. 😂

    1. It is my joy to rescue and “bring back to life”… Where there is life there is hope. I lit four candles for my family today. I don’t even know what I’m praying for, though. Comfort for their souls, comfort for mine? I wonder at the senseless nature, the balance somewhere between God’s will and my pain. And I sigh a lot… Because found myself being OK with not knowing the why.

  2. It’s said that acceptance is the key to happiness. I don’t know who said it or even if it’s true, but there is some truth in it. I’m sorry that you had to learn such harsh lessons so early in life. As someone who has also had more than my share of close family die early I can say that it changes you on some deep level that only others who have experienced the same thing can/will understand. Whether that change in you is for the better or the worse is something to be determined in the future you make for yourself. *Hugs* I’m glad you lit the candles. Where there is life, there is hope, and where there is hope…there is light.

    1. Going back in time to those memories has left me drained. Was like I was person A and person B. So when I got to B, I gladly forgot about being the A…the silent and quiet. So it’s like I can accept death, what I can’t accept is this changing all over the place. But worst thing is memories always being the fear of having something happen all over again. I’m exhausted, just emotionally exhausted. Worry that it’s so tempting to go back in the shell. So I won’t. Just one day at a time, and try to make sense of what I can. Thanks, Dragon. It is definitely one of those things that others can’t know what it’s like and you can’t fault anyone for that. I dealt with it the best way I could. That’s what I think I need to remember.

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