Particulate

None of it matters

That’s what you tell yourself, right?

So the latest paradox I can’t get my mind around

Is how the ones who taught you as a kid that you had to be nice

Are the same ones who used meanness at every turn to get what they wanted

Who don’t believe in being nice themselves

 

So where is that supposed to leave a person?

It’s like the devil handing you the ten commandments

You could still look at them and think, “good idea!”

But somewhere inside you would constantly be wondering what satan got out of it

 

So nice is a good idea

I teach others as much as possible

Because I believe in the idea that being good to others is more important than being good to yourself by getting what you want

I’ve even gone so far as to not want anything

Not desire what isn’t in the now

Which is really hard when a pizza commercial comes on and all you can think about is inhaling some greasy bread

But I had rice instead

With meat and vegetables and tomato from the garden

And you know that moment when you do something right for your physical body?

Yea, that is the happy that gets how much better and still thinks maybe a piece of pizza would taste absolutely amazing

And I have to keep being nice

For one thing, nice people are actually stronger

Less insecure

More able to adapt

And for another thing

There are not too many situations that turn out worse because you were nice

Though people hate it sometimes

I get that

Though I can’t figure out if it’s “sin loves company” or “misery loves company”

Or maybe company is just reassured to never be a least common denominator

And of course there are times I’ve NOT been nice

 

I just have no problem fighting fire with fire

I don’t care about being an hypocrite if it means the buck stops here

My own soul never mattered

None of it matters

That’s what you tell yourself, right?

It’s the number saved not the number of times you yourself fall

 

Always had a get out of jail free card

The paradox

The entire process of being a good person might be something bad people depend upon

And instilled

So you run hot and cold

They might call you crazy

But they won’t call you late for supper

They might call your hand

 

But you always played it low

Better to have too much than too little

Better to be nice when you can

And when you can’t

Remember peace is the only thing you ever really wanted anyway

It’s the thing where being good to others is not more important than getting what you want

Because what you want is to be good to others

Right and wrong is not that hard

Lessor thans and greater thans

Better to swallow pride than to throw up convention

I’m not a perfect person, I never wanted to be

 

Many roads lead to the same destination

None of it matters

That’s what you tell yourself, right?

 

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