standing for nothing in particular

i wish i was drinking, still.

stopped for no righteousness,
no pure desires;
no health reasons.

stopped because the alcohol
lost its effect–

turned into grape juice.
and expensive for only grape juice!

so i wish i was drinking, still.
wish alcohol worked anymore.

apparently my system decided that’s it,
and would no longer get drunk–
oh well.

i miss the reward system;
the feeling of being adult;
(i never finished rebelling)
and it’s a delicious feeling
…the smooth glass, the chill of ice;
the verification that I have arrived
to this milestone
that was so forbidden,

so scoffed…and every elegant person
drank,

but now no easy way
to sign off a prim wagon.

it’s like conscripted goodness,
when i truly would not have bothered
with this show.

part of me laughs
at being exemplary to state,
“sober for 5 years now!”–
like taking credit for shrugging;

for using the breast stroke on the herd
to keep your head above conformity.

sober is such a subjective concentration of belying condescention:
such a release of convoluted forgetfulness!
i was never NOT sober
when drunk.

it didn’t bother me to be less.

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2 Replies to “standing for nothing in particular”

  1. So well articulated Eileen. I have not had a drop for three years now, due to financial constraints. In more prosperous times I will undoubtedly enjoy a glass of Chard once again and quite look forward to its downing.

    What is it most that would afford us the languid sip, the lingering taste, and demure lounging spirit of that red or white elixir that bathes the evening in the sweetest mellow. It does nothing for my written verse though surely I rest in the gentle refinement of its pleasure.

    1. oh i liked being buzzed, am fairly practical. once it stopped doing its job, and it was like almost orgasming but never getting there … there was no point in drinking.

      i also quit soda pop. and i’m fatter and in worse health…. * big sigh*

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