from schizophrenia to not giving a dam for minds stuck too long in floods of rising indifference

have known many schizophrenics, was even engaged to one. he believed his garden gnomes came alive at night. would see demons….generally the mentally ill you see walking the street and talking to themselves, are schizophrenic. I’ve seen treated schizophrenics that manage ok, but a lot of the medications cause them to move their legs or jiggle uncontrollably. and drool, and leave their mouth open. I heard at some point that they can tell by the structure of the middle of the brain? it’s like there is a bigger gap? very sad thing to deal with. many homeless people are schizophrenic. it really devastates families, most of the patients at state hospitals in long term care, are schizophrenic.

psychotic episodes are not exclusive to schizophrenia. manic depressives and bipolars can also have psychotic breaks. often, medication is tailored for both leveling and any symptoms of psychosis. there is also borderline personality disorder. knew friends diagnosed with that. bipolar is type 1 and 2. I think they have a 3 now. the mental health here used to give a class on all of it. and sort of the practical version, not like taking psychology classes in college. Scientology does some interesting youtube videos on mental illness….lol. for the most part, I’ve seen a LOT of over medication. had friends that were taking upwards of twenty pills a day. I am not exaggerating. the consensus is that therapy and medication are better than just medication. and that therapy can have more far-reaching effects. but for schizophrenia, I think it is brain damage of some kind, and mostly all they can do is try to limit the hallucinations through medication.

there is basically no such thing as degrees of schizophrenia, you are or you aren’t. the biggest symptom is hearing voices, but unlike what many believe, hearing voices means outside of your own body, like someone invisible is in the room speaking. it is not hearing your own voice in your head speaking. that is normal, and I think they call that self-talk.

I’ve had racing thoughts before, and it’s very distressful. but is not like something where you wonder if you are having racing thoughts. you know you have racing thoughts. when I think about it, I have not had any since I gave up drinking alcohol 7 years ago. but basically, you can’t shut your mind off and don’t have the power to stop your own self-talk inside. I think I also was able through therapy, to realize the impact of fears. because racing thoughts are like your mind is babbling uncontrollably in fear.

but anyway….I have seen and known schizophrenics–and it is a particular type of mental illness that is considered sever enough to sometimes require extensive hospitalization. life gets crazy, and stressful for so many people. many times it is simply taking care of oneself, to get adequate sleep and eat right. every time I ever had severe trouble, I was not eating or sleeping for days…weeks. and then psychosis has to do with not enough dopamine in the brain.

I also believe fear plays key roles to mental instability, and have found while living alone, then any physical problem can quickly turn into mental out of an instinct to live…to find a way above that point of no return where too ill to take care of yourself.

anyway….I’ve studied quite a lot in the area of psychology and mental illness. I do think half the battle is tending to physical needs, such as rest and food. sometimes there are triggers, and if I develop problems, I go over any new products such as lotion or shampoo, different scents. have always been sensitive and allergic. it can be difficult, but I find it is much easier to maintain balance when not in a relationship, where they will try to make you feel you are always having problems. and then act like a go between with doctors, where I would feel like some kind of robot that was not performing well enough for them….that is very hard to deal with.

standing out from the crowd, always being considered different and “strange” — is, in itself, one of the largest hurdles of ‘mental illness.’ and that is why i fight and often pose decent arguments as to how it really comes down to diagnosing people that are not liked or do not fit in, as having a defect or mysterious illness. the stigma, which is actually discrimination for those who are different or seem odd and not conformed enough to societal ideals — that discrimination is part of the problem in the first place. security, and having acceptance in a family or society, can be a large part of problems that lead to mental illness.

when people keep in their minds, that I am mentally ill, they treat me how they feel you should treat the mentally ill. and I will drop out of those friendships. you pack your bags and move. find a new job, a new city where you can be treated like a normal person. luckily for me, enough people are now getting medication and diagnosed, that it’s not like it was. for the most part, I can be upfront and not get discrimination. eh….life has not been easy. but I have been in the position to help a lot of people in mental health centers. I try to think of that as God using me where I could do the most good. but some days I wish I had been given a “normal” life.

and it is tempting, to think — at least i’m not THAT! i’m not one of those schizophrenics! and that is just another ladder on the pecking order of my life is more normal than your life. my mind is better than your mind. my life is better than yours! oh yes, and it makes me ashamed when i think that way. for the most part, i think there are not enough answers, considering the level of diagnostics available for everything else. aside from that, i think it is important to see people as people. to look at another, and observe their soul. not some preconceived notion of that person set apart — the crazy that means you are “normal.” the normans were bastard invaders. we shouldn’t have been trying to emulate them in the first place. lol … but as far as conforming goes — i don’t have answers. except that it helps to pay attention to the little social things that make people comfortable. it helps to see others as thoughtful beings. if you expect the worst, you are going to get the worst.

i have been through a lot. seen so many in different states of mental breakdown. but it is the same as when i worked as a nurse — the patients knew i SAW them, the person that was every bit as important as any. you see the soul, you love who they are. i don’t know how to explain it. but i know that it can pull someone back from that ledge of alone-ness. when they see that you see them. i have been through so much and determined so many things. it does come down, to taking care of yourself in a forthright way. putting your needs first, in many cases. but also, trying to have an honesty with yourself regarding how you are doing, and how your life is going or not going.

it’s not easy, and not for anyone. i don’t reserve tough lives only for the mentally ill. i sometimes think that the mentally ill have a step up on things, because they have taken time to learn and develop higher coping skills.

what is different about me, is i remember my years of not being mentally ill. i remember having “a life” and how i was so busy, probably couldn’t even tell you who the president was. i worked and made money and never questioned … i never questioned. so now i do. can’t say if that’s good or bad, but it has lead me to a place where i look at things very differently than others. i don’t assume the “correctness” of any conformity or socially accepted mannerisms and norms. actually judge on an entirely different level.

i don’t know if that is good or bad. sometimes, i wish is was back into a busy life, with no time to look at things and wonder. eh …… come see, come saw. 🙂 i have fought long and hard for understanding, through my writings. to make others see that there is not that big a difference, and that sometimes it’s like mental illness doesn’t exist at all. got any idea how hard that piece of knowledge hit me? when i ran over the lines from the wizard of oz — and just took on the entire reality that ALL of medicine is made-up names? that it all is basically a very large con, going on for years. and that the only proof of any good of medicine, is if they heal.

and i’ve had to heal myself. not that i have given others much chance at it for decades, now. but it’s all pretty much one of those doors you open, that you can’t just shut again. i can’t pretend i don’t know that. i can’t pretend that i don’t know, that the reason they are always “discovering” new illnesses, is because those 3 illnesses used to be one illness. and they looked a little deeper, and found more. and tomorrow, they will look a little deeper, and find more. and the tomorrows after that, they will look deeper and find more — until the one illness, that was cured with a spoonful of sugar — now takes 60 different medications for 40 different made-up names. and it never gets cured.

and that’s the cynic in me — but yea. that’s basically how it works. so the diagnosing of mental illness, is basically a form of dealing with people that are having freak-outs. and the thing with schizophrenics, or those showing that degree of freak-out — is that it is at a stage kind of past the point of no return. i’ve gone out — and back in. crazy and freak-out time — and then back to where i’m reasonable. or fairly so. i still like to unsettle others, sometimes. just because it’s interesting and makes for a difference. i try not to manipulate, and i try to be honest and forthright. i guess the thing many people never see in me, is how much i care.

that’s kind of strange, but that is the thing. that’s it in a nutshell. people don’t want someone that is strong and who cares — they want someone who is weak that they can take care of. someone that is dependent, and makes them necessary. hmmmmmmm ………. so why don’t the mentally ill ever get any sympathy? they mostly get scorn, and lots of it.

i wonder about that a lot. but has something to do with what i was talking about earlier, sets and subsets. and trying to place others in a subset away from yourself, so that you can be the “anti” of whatever it is. and so, for the most part — those who crave and yearn to call people like me crazy? they are the ones doubting their own sanity the most. and so i try to have sympathy with them. i never feared my own insanity. and that’s the difference. it doesn’t scare me, only what people will do to me scares me. but i don’t fear GOING insane. i mostly think of it all as biological, and consisting of finite parameters.

and i’ve seen miracles. i’ve prayed, and asked for rest, and rest came. i had a mother of many children, and illegal mexican immigrant on a farm — pray with me, and put a blanket over me and it was like all the anxiety evaporated and i was able to rest. so there are miracles, and there is a God, even if it is only in your own head. that’s what i believe. matter itself, is an ever-folding and moving solution … a mixture of life and death and expression.

eventually, we all get old. and most who get very old, eventually lose some part of their mind. they live in memories, or find other ways to cope. and i don’t see that as an illness, i see that as inevitable. what surprises me, sometimes — is when i think how my life is shortened. has been, from the damage of being used as a guinea pig one too many times for the next great revelation in pills. and i sort of cry quietly to myself. like i lost something, and i don’t know what. and i’m more afraid of those tears. there is something about self-pity that is unnerving. but also, it’s a different kind of crying than i’ve ever had for others that died.

a very childish thing. to sit and feel sorry for myself. but i don’t think it’s wrong, just a little out of whack. better to worry about what you can do with the time you have.

the mind … is a tricky thing. i like how it is explained in this book i have — that we have a mind, a spirit, a soul, and a body. four things that make up what humans “are.” the book is over a century old. so what have we learned? treat the mind, by drugging the body and ignoring the soul, while crushing the spirit.

i’m just not sure that’s the best method to success, is all. and i don’t know that schizophrenics are that much different. sometimes a spirit needs to be free. sometimes the ties that bind the four together are too strong or too weak. i have pictured myself going completely over the edge and staying there. pushing around a shopping cart, and yelling at strangers. the difference, is i know the mind part and the avenues where that becomes reality. i know exactly what to fear.

shutting down, is easy now. it’s caring about anything that’s hard.


how the difference between thee and me centers on the absolute of letting go to the largest subset of useless humans

it’s interesting. i do think that looking at the mannerisms of gaslighting, manipulations, etc. — can be a valuable tool for hindsight. but looking for all the toxic traits in another, because you are unhappy with them — can be very problematic and ultimately feed paranoia.

while there are many individuals that plot and scheme, a large many are just trying to figure things out, same as you. and in figuring things out, perhaps copying some attitudes or reactions they’ve seen in a favorite movie, for instance — and then you are translating that as deliberate aggression and manipulation, a plotting and undermining where little or none may exist. the problem is then in the person who sees themselves as a victim, becomes more afraid and hyper-aware of possible manipulations. analogy to that would be a jumpy cat. and if others are in fact, manipulating — the mapping of every point only places you in a greater state of predictive behavior: you are predictively fearful.

so i find it becomes this round-robin of accusations, and truth is, nobody is perfect. there IS such a thing as lack of empathy, or those who are more self-centered. but a doctor performing surgery, cannot allow themselves to mentally “hurt” for the patient, so is that a wrong thing? and so the problem exists, when attempting to apply absolutes to human feelings and behavior. there are so many exceptions to the rules, that there needs to be a question made, of whether rules are appropriate.

the thing i am noting, is that every few years we have a new demonized mental “type” — that is then described in detail according to someone’s standard of people they hate.

and i have said this before — “mental illness” is just a very complicated way of saying you don’t like somebody. and i would propose, that the “actual” problem, lies in the inability to simply say, “i don’t like you.” or “i don’t like them.” and not feel the NEED TO JUSTIFY THE REASONING FOR DISLIKE.

but aside from that, i feel that labeling others and considering this or that action part of the narcissist umbrella, and therefore you are justified in disliking them and their actions — not only does that feed fear and paranoia, it feeds isolation. “all are queer but thee and me, and even thee is a little queer at times.” and that then feeds the wish to see oneself as ‘perfect’ and the committed ideal. it is a very real symptom of the isolationist approach to life. believe me, i’ve studied that extensively.

and fact is — you feel much better inside, when can just say that people are pretty much all good, and all are trying. the sweeping generalizations — and the generalization that manipulators are evil — well, i don’t know how i’m supposed to look at that. when every poet, IS a manipulator. that is the point………

i know i can fit under that toxic description (from an article on 20 ways to identify a narcissist). the popularity of claiming someone is a narcissist, has me a little ticked off that i need to learn how to spell that, now. ugh! but i don’t really mind that the herd has moved away from yelling at someone they’re bipolar, to screaming at someone that they are a narcissist. but at some point, would be really nice if folk would practice saying “i don’t like you.” and remember that they have that choice. you HAVE the choice to not like someone, with NO justification. ok? alright? that does not need justification. or classification.

fact is, i have felt better when deciding most people are good and just trying. it is a relief to tear down that wall, and kind of let the demonization of others go. you are always going to be able to find something. this is fact. always always always.

i have investigated the isolationist tendency to demonize others and mark certain actions as inherent. it comes down to classification and generalization. is actually a function of sociology, and we could probably blame national geographic magazine for this whole trend. but i’ve felt better, when i classify all as part of a changing, volatile solution. in other words, you find somewhere inside yourself, to create a largest common denominator for every single person. and then label it “not perfect, humans, the ones i love.”

setting a subset APART from yourself can feel good for awhile. it can even seem to reinforce your own “good” behaviors. or your “good” state of being — white, black, brown skin; or formally educated; or tall or short; or female or male. once you create a subset APART — then there is no longer ANY lowest common denominator set.

that’s the thing. and the other thing …….. is that humans will often and predominately react in the way that is expected. if you believe someone is crazy, then your actions TOWARD them, will engender the reactions FROM them, that reinforce your belief that they are crazy. and then at that point, everyone needs to be asking, “who is manipulating who?”

emotional abuse is a real thing, but the important thing to look at is the ways you yourself fell into that — not the signs of toxic people or abusers. because you will be labeling all day, afraid of your own shadow. and the only one you ultimately can change, is yourself. you can banish the narcissist, determining some “types” are toxic. but by the 10th or so description of the “bad people” — i’m going, come on, now! give me a break. it’s too much. and the problem in BEGINNING that, is the process just grows and grows to include more and more infractions. like the ten commandments on steroids. and i don’t know how to support something like that, without going , well … that’s crazy too.

the thing about the wide world, and beauty, and surprises. it happens when fear does not take over to make exact things–expected things–happen. and part of that is putting up with “toxic” people … or if you decide you don’t like someone, just don’t like them. you don’t need a reason. are allowed to like some and not like others. if it’s an individual, rather than a group … then think how many you’ve saved from unfair classification.

and it comes down to that. even the classification of organisms in biology. i’m not sure anybody addressed the philosophical impact before they started doing that. anyway … no, there are not “toxic” people. only bad ways of interacting with each other. at some level, there is monkey see, monkey do. and at another level, thought is given to the doing. sometimes it’s a process.

look how many bipolar people appeared, once you started looking for them! lol … gotta love how this is all about math. teaching sets and subsets. and the one goal, of classifying OURSELVES AS WORTHY …………lol, well — when it comes to saints and sinners, i have always made clear that i would gladly party with any sinners … and never worship saints. life is too short. and much too short to take all the “signs of narcissism ” seriously. i do hope this fad goes away before i have to learn how to spell that word indefinitely.

beyond that, i’m not sure how to address my own proclivities to classify and determine nature. or earth, of people, of things. part of the problem, is my own tendency to rely on generalizations. and i don’t know what to do about that. i think it has something to do with degree of brain activity, but on the other hand it might be something fueled more by instinct and needs for survival. hard to say.

the thing about “hating” on something or some group of somethings — is that the closer you are as a subset TO that group of the somethings — the MORE you will hate that subset, to set it apart from yourself.

i guess that comes under quitting smoking 101. the person that is the ex-smoker will be miles more of a pain in their idealism to look at smokers as evil.

i think if we took sociology, and psychology — and mapped them in sets and subsets as functions in math, maybe some sense could be made of it. or some solutions. because listing more things wrong with people we don’t like, is going nowhere.

and please tell me again why every politician should be trumpian and full of such grace?

the idea that democrats lost, so they should be more like trump — is absurd. i just want to make that clear. because there seems to be a misunderstanding on what “winning” is.

winning is not giving up your ideals, to be like those you scorn. i find that to be an interesting request, and would be more interesting if that scorn were not deserved.

no, the crazy, insane right that has gone alt-right and around the bend, over the woods into crazy-land the alt-universe with alt-facts for true believers of alt-reality — they just want company on their journey. i like plain politicians.

boring politicians. politicians you wouldn’t pay to see in a MILLION years. because those are the kind that sit behind the desks and get the work done.

i don’t want stars. i don’t want rally-leaders. i don’t want yelling, rabble-rousing, insanity. i want BORING government. government i can count on to be tedious and thorough. none of this going off half-cocked, “i wonder what will happen when i do THIS.”

bloody idiots. boring. bored. tedious. mundane. i want government SO slow, it risks going in reverse. i want it completely un-entertaining! i need my government to be dull. dull. dull. and no, this is absolutely no “trend” in politicians to follow — if we get a whole tribe of trumped up politicians now, it’s time to get out the knitting needles for a front row seat …

boring. dull. undeniably snoozed. you can take your winning ways and shove ’em where the sun don’t shine. i want completely dull politicians. ones that don’t yell at all, would be nice. no rally cry, no getting all excited up there. keep your calm. keep people calm. it’s kind of the idea.

tedious … mundane. absolutely no draw whatsoever. behind desks, running things so they don’t fall apart. that’s what i want. this is not a circus. this is people’s lives.

you want a concert, go see a concert. a ball game, go to that. you want religious zeal, find a dang church. don’t go looking for your extremism in politics. politics needs to be boring! dull. extremely and thoroughly uninteresting. like the news was, when you were ten and your great uncle guy didn’t have time to take you fishing before dinner but you whined and pleaded with him anyway.

we don’t need government hopping and be-bopping all over the place like celebrity news. don’t need an even BIGGER crazy to beat the crazy already in the whitehouse. we are NOT going to get into a contest on who can out-crazy each other.

boring, dull, humdrum … monotonous. tedium. i want so much tedium, i can sleep to it.

and i guess i got a little high on the ranting horse, this is not rocket science

democrats don’t have open border policy, never did. on contrary, have constantly tried to nail down the republicans on a policy. the good old boys just want cheap labor. republican didn’t even know that in economics the term open borders means free trade. no one is flinging open gates and whistling the herd in. world open borders is trade, trade, trade. just get that right? it drives me crazy. we don’t want a wall because it’s stupid and expensive. if you want protection, conquer Mexico and build the wall to the south of Mexico where much cheaper to build. picking the widest point is stupid. upkeep is crazy and they aren’t even coming over so much now because the trade agreements(that trump wants to end) did as planned and helped their economy enough that they are rising with less need to immigrate. so he wants to dump them into more poverty, wall it, dump the usa into inflation, and make the oil big boys richer. and to that, I say if we have to keep up his stupid wall for centuries, I will personally pull it down brick by brick to spare us the expense.

the alt right bs machine from russia told you it meant open physical borders. always meant open economic borders.

just letting you know, because you can’t use that in an argument, because your premise is false. no democrat ever suggested open physical borders.

when i sent my friend from facebook a computer — to nigeria — he had to pay an extra tariff to pick it up from the customs office. countries have tariffs on goods entering their countries. they have bans — it is forbidden to import cloth material of any sort into nigeria. when the usa levels a sanction, what we are doing is screwing up their trade with our rules. so basically, an open-trade WORLD would make our sanctions MORE POWERFUL. wake up, please.

it’s all about trade. we’ve been in world war 3, just it’s an economic war. i import chinese parts to repair computers. sometimes it’s the only place available. and EVEN if i got them here, it’s just somebody sitting in pitsburg with a warehouse that ordered from the same chinese, and is storing them so he can sell for a profit.

at that point, i’m going, why am i the smuck doing all the work, when i could be sitting in a warehouse selling crap to smucks like me?

the wealthiest company in the world — world, and wealthier than all the oil companies — is walmart, who import most of their items from china. is it good to have cheap products available? hard to say — maybe if we didn’t, the cry and outrage to raise the minimum wage would have happened sooner. that’s why we have economists to determine what to do in crucial matters. but is in the hands of fat cats, now. so rock and roll………..

they are not going to go for what steadies the boat, they are going to go for what makes their friends richer. and only problem got with that, is they take it out of the hides of the taxpayer who will get less bang for their buck. less government programs, county fairs, national parks, etc. but who knows, a wall might give the army something to do. but should be army core of engineers building anything if he was serious about it. all this other is men greasing each others palms and kickbacks. it’s all insanity, though could get a computer monitor running the wall to cut cost. but then hackers…eh. it’s easier to help Mexico get on its feet, and then have their assistance in limiting south American immigration.

you do know the mexicans can buy dynamite? heck, they have fireworks up the ying yang, get them cheap from china.

so fat cats in charge now are not going to go for what steadies the boat, they are going to go for what makes their friends richer. so it’s rock and roll. quality is not price. price is supply and demand.

i want you to repeat that into the mirror every night: quality is not price. price is supply and demand.

I promoted hp computers because they are American made in Texas, until I had to repair their laptops and saw how they engineered them to fail. American made is fine, but you have to remember that we figure out all kinds of ways to screw people over. none better at it.

so go ahead … build those economic walls! build a real wall. see how we do feeding off our own greed for awhile. should be interesting when children in the USA are starving while soldiers patrol a stupid wall that we didn’t need in the first place.

if it’s part of the insides the green eggs and ham are two different pathologies

You don’t want to get in a biblical argument with me, I went to Lutheran school. The bible was shoved so far down my throat, I don’t know where it lives now.

Was actually glad when the living bible came out, in plain English and just the new Testament. Not that it was the best, but it gave me a place to start for better translation of old English. Though nothing is perfect, and these days I check the verses in king James when the translated one doesn’t make sense…..

And I’m not sure what that means? But I still remember Matt C., whose dad was a doctor, saying the bible was God’s book of fairy tales. That was seventh grade at Lutheran school, and I remember he played basketball. The boys all got taller than me that year, and beat the rival Catholic school by a mile.

But between memorized verses, and catachism, and church itself, where they methodically went through the entire bible in the readings every four years or so (leaving out Leviticus and Revelations)….you just don’t want to get into a bible-based argument with me. Somebody prays outloud too long, and I’m thinking of the lesson Jesus told about the silent woman versus the loud Pharisee (or Sadducee). And just as a funny note, if you speak that into Dragon, it writes “there is an insurgency” ….I love technology.

It’s not that I consider myself the best student. But at a certain point of repetition, you just go, “ok, already.” And by the time I was handed my confirmation bible with my name on it in gold letters, I never needed to crack that book again. Though I have, and even disgraced it with a bit of highlighting….

I don’t come off as a “bible person” because it’s not just the bible. If I start giving out bible quotes to uphold weak arguments, you’re going to see me throw in some Shakespeare….and some Dr. Seuss. And the author of ALL the Wizard of Oz books, and The Lord of the Rings, and maybe even Game of Thrones if he ever gets to finishing it.

The study of the parable is vast, and the only problem is that life isn’t long enough to get them all. You don’t worry about that kind of thing when you’re younger. Just read and read. Apply the lessons–move to the next. You get older, and suddenly realize you’re running out of time. Begin to wonder if there is a library in heaven…

So I woke up this morning, and in my huffy way, thought “no, you don’t want to get into a bible argument with me!” And I thought having it still lodged in my gut somewhere was kind of funny. But in a way, it is.

So that’s why I say life is too short. And it’s kind of too short to be getting into bible arguments in the first place. Never heard anyone argue if aragorn was more of a king or more of a healer. I would have chosen healer, and they left that part out of the movies entirely.

A story is the way of looking at how others react. So I went ahead and got up, got myself a cup of tea, still chuckling over the image of a bible lodged in me somewhere. I sat down to write…on the tablet, because I’m lazy. And the desk is for important things. I’m not important, not in the least.

Just enjoying my cup of tea, wondering if the sun is even up. And I call myself dumber than dumb, of course the sun is up. I just can’t see it, am looking too far in instead of out. Looking back instead of forwards, wondering where the time has gone? But of course, it’s right here. Ticking on top of the bible and making the warm tea taste awfully good.