life in the fast lane of a deity cloned through pride

oh, gone over it a million times:
is there a God, or isn’t there a God?

no control group
i agree with that
would have to compare and contrast
a world known to not have a God
with a world known to have a God

so next best thing is to test your own worlds
with a belief in God
and without a belief in God

so that’s what i did
but even so
can only decide for myself
if life is better WITH a belief in God
or WITHOUT a belief in God

it’s true that you can decide to not carry
a belief in God
all day long … and when disaster strikes,
(such as an earthquake or some event completely
outside of human control)
then might … or many often do
come to complete belief in God very quickly!

the fox-hole effect.

i believe much of life is inevitable.
you can believe all day long that you will never age
and yet …….. you do! so whatever i decide to believe
is not going to impact the reality

God does not need my belief to exist. i think that’s
the most important realization.

there are pluses and minuses to life with belief
and life without belief

i do think it is a fallacy to see belief in God as a weakness…

it can be.
but it’s not a direct correlation
and not evident — in that some of the strongest
people i have ever known, had a great deal of faith

and not the blind sort, but the kind of faith
that spells out home…

i don’t believe in a God that grants my wishes,
and rains fire down out of the sky when i’ve been ‘bad’

i just don’t. i don’t think it works that way.

whatever “mystery” that rules and reigns the happenstance
of mankind and his existence on earth… my beliefs are not the end-all:
i don’t think
things hinge on my part, my smallness.
they can’t – for impact of one human
is according to their impact, not the human.

people try to make little changes
often just a wish for everyone to get along
to see the good in others
to know the good in themselves….

is God a witness to that? i don’t expect reward
i think that if you need reward for doing good, then
something is wrong in you
…..have to see the world as a whole with others
and others who have needs, too

the reward
has to be the good things itself

look at it, and humble yourself
not necessarily to a God that is going to punish you
if you don’t do good — but one who knows you
want to do your best.

i don’t know if there is a God or not,
never did! can’t know, all i can know
is if i do or do not believe in something
beyond my understanding. and how can i not do that?

i don’t understand a lot of things
and many things that i do believe exist, are not
visible to my own senses
many things in science are based on explanations
that change over time because the understanding grows

which means nobody knows it all or has answers
so i don’t know if God exists. i know i NEED God, sometimes.
i know that sometimes God is not there, because
my mind isn’t working right and i can’t imagine the next day,
let alone any power somewhere out there…

away from me, and my small problems

belief is often used as a point of commonality

we don’t want to exist among the stranger
how can you know what they will do, if they
are not in sync with your beliefs?

and that’s the point …..

why not let them surprise you?

some of the best people doing good in the world have absolutely no belief in God,
and what kind of God would hate them for it?
what kind of judgement of anyone, can be based
on what they think they know regarding things that nobody can know?

so i look at God as the part of life
that is there no matter what i believe or don’t believe

i see God in the motion
the dance
the pattern … not the elements
that twirl

but you don’t have to believe that
you get to believe whatever you want

and if and when you believe you have freedom
when you believe you have freedom
enough to exercise freedom
of belief, and harness your right to look at the world
in the way it presents itself to you …..

then that is home.

i don’t need people to agree with me
though i do often feel i just don’t express
things well enough to be understood

every feels that way, sometimes
like no matter what, nobody is going to understand
nobody! not a one can live inside the you
the being
the eternal self that is known
best according to memory and only that

and so a God — any God that knows you
that you feel can see and understand the fullness
of your trials — your hardships — well, that is
then why God is there

and no one can say He/She isn’t

that’s why personal belief and a belief held in common
are what the issues hang on
and power — people that lead, while others follow

follow example, follow a life
because there is something about that life you envy
or respect
or want to see happen for yourself

it is the mystery that draws
the greatest leaders have mystery all about them

even learn how to encourage mystery, how to appear mysterious

the whole game that has enshrouded religion
from the start? pretty much

i never believed in religion. could run the odds
on percentage possibilities that a specific belief
that contradicts another belief — is correct. it’s
just not feasible that MY religion is correct and everyone
else is wrong ……. couldn’t ever see it that way.

so i kind of disqualifies me for being considered a
religious person … except that i think when a collective
focuses on doing good, then a lot of good gets done.

and that’s what i care about. you can believe all day
that a God watches over you, but if your world has hurt, and
injustice, and oppression, and unfairness, and simply people
or animals in constant and dire need … then
there is something wrong there that your belief
in God is not fixing ………..

it’s all balance
perception ….. the way to see the self,
as opposed to others. as opposed to the world.

having the belief in God gives a comfort, but also
it is a challenge to then redefine
within a principal of never knowing the mind of God.

and that is where humility is granted. humility is a state
of insignificance that leads to peace. trying to be important,
or think of oneself as important — rarely turns out well.

i don’t know why. maybe that is how God punishes, when you try
to build up that ego or sense of self-importance. the idea of
being a God, yourself. i’ve looked at that too, because
in the psych business it is called a God complex, or a Jesus complex.

and the problem with many who believe in God, is they see it
as they are God that controls. internalize, and function on
a belief that everything they desire is what happens when
the “right” choices are made

and i don’t believe in that. i think that choices are not
right or wrong, but either instructive or not-instructive.
something can be against the law, can be against state
or religious law
…. so we have boundaries

of acceptable and unacceptable actions.

most are for living with others in an harmonious fashion

eh …………..point is that man rights law
and man makes up religion
and God talking to man mostly means that man
is playing a con, or has some mental issues

but the dance ……. the reaction TO the bible,
that is God. i have no delusions on the extent to
how far one man will go to fool another

lol…. has bitten me in the ass many times in my life.

trust is something you lose gradually, until you forget
what it is. but faith in others, is what community is about

whether it’s religious community, or topographical, or
similarities held in common, or even choices that
lead to meetings and interaction with others…..

so my understanding is that you find faith in your friends
and faith in family, if you’re lucky

and faith in God? that depends on how much you trust
life to not hit you upside the head

once you’ve been hit a few hundred times, your faith is not
in a God of protection

it’s not even in a God that gives good company …. no

i guess from being an artist — my faith is in the beauty
in looking outward and seeing the gorgeous dance
of people and plants and animals and the earth waters
and streams and life … everywhere becoming one thing
while remaining another …….. on the way to
more adventure than anyone can name

my God is a God who loves adventure
who explores life with me, through my eyes
and most importantly — through a heart that
only beats because so many …… so very many….
beat before it.

i don’t know if there is a God — but if there is,
then i have known a very wonderful thing in this life.

and if there is not, then i have imagined a very wonderful thing.

either way — it’s wonderful
either way, the important thing is not my belief or periods of disbelief
has my experience made me a kinder person? no
but it has given me an understanding why people sometimes fail to be kind

and my judgement — my judgement isn’t what matters
helps to listen to the thoughts of others
and if it’s all about you, then you can’t hear them

also … the relating to other human beings is only
this one, small pie-slice of life. maybe 20%?
the rest is how you navigate the environment,
and find what suits yourself best

or how everything becomes self-defeating
all the effects that make you the cause that you are …
that is what i think of as God

a mind much larger and more intricate, and running
through and in all life

so the last thing God is, to me, is a man on a throne
impressed with humans that kneel and kiss a royal behind…

but i bow my head and pray
yea, i do
because you can close out the world
and search in that other realm … the one that
tells you that you actually are the real person
that you know yourself to be — not the reactions of
other people to the person they perceive

i guess what is weird, is that i don’t need to believe
what others around me believe — trust my own senses best
always … always.

so they can belief what suits and what helps, unless …
big unless here …… that belief infringes on the freedom
of another to have a belief in their own experience.

i guess that comes down to being ‘right’ about things
and i wonder about that often … as an artist, you look
at something as fundamental as colors — and contemplate how
nice it would be to have a few more.
ones that don’t exist. see… i can imagine that

because i know the finite nature of colors

and IF you perceive the continual finite …. that is a type
of mental prison. there has to be an ‘infinite’ … a mystery,
a wonder and a sense of that which expands outside of vision, but
also outside of personal comprehension.

so does God exist?

well ………. i think there is an awful lot of love in this world.

there is also an awful lot of hate and deception. manipulation.

religion is the ultimate manipulation … there is no doubt that it isn’t

but God? oh ….. i think that if a “being” of some sort is in charge
of my fate, and the fate of everyone — then none of us would be very free.

i also think that we make decisions
that are often predictable — often countered.

if a ‘being’ is watching my decisions, and determining how right i am
or am not, then i guess i would feel sorry for it. my life is not
that exciting — at least, when i’m doing the “right” thing it is
not very exciting.

so i can’t see that as a reality — but i do think there is a God that listens,
that reacts in ways that change the environment differently, that might even
change the decisions by others. influences … pushes. ways of granting insight.

ways of becoming
the person that you ARE going to be tomorrow

i suppose that if i saw interaction and creativity die …

to me, that would be the death of God. and so God is still
very much alive. in and throughout the world. but it’s easy to
perceive that when you exist in comfort.

see….. that’s the thing. if i’m in constant pain — heck yea,
i’m cursing life and cursing God and hating it all. if i’m in comfort,
then i kick back and write a bit — muse out loud — type as i think
so that some kind of order can be put to my typing.

so you CAN’T decide for someone else if they should believe in God
because you don’t have their level of pain

each is a formula unique to circumstances surrounding life

can only decide for myself
and why do i pose the question, even? well, folk want to know
how much you believe in …….fate, good fortune, and divinity.

i believe that i must keep my mind open

to new experiences that might change the way i see things
tomorrow — or the next day
and i see that as sort of having bravery — a confidence
that your faith won’t leave you, is when you do keep your mind
open…… and at the end of the day, the faith is still there

comprehending life is only a small part

living it …… interaction and determining your part in life

that is freedom
that is the birth of beauty
and beauty is a God that is not a finality …
but only a beginning

so i try to think about what would be nice to read after
all that pompous blowhard junk i got out of my system …

you know the night is quiet, other than the tap
of my fingers on the keyboard, and the tick tock of the clock
or i guess it’s just a tick — my clock doesn’t tock…

i breathe in and out
part of me knows i missed a favorite tv show…. and
should be in bed…..
other part of me is writing furiously … emphatically

trying to draw off of these thoughts, bring them
to a state where i can look outward again
and see things in this other-light —- in a mind
i capture for a brief while

i wonder about being a piteous creature. but truly,
i feel fortunate most days to simply be alive.

the clock ticks, and sometimes it is like it slows
but i know it can’t ….. so if i wanted to bring in a metaphor,
i guess that is like how i think of God.

might seem to slow, or go faster. it might seem like God
is punishing you, or helping you. but the reality, is that God
must be a state outside of perception. by definition. and therefore,
IF i get to determine what God is doing, then for me — God is not
helping overtly or hindering overtly or hurting ….. but the


yea ……….. that is where i look at results
and let out a big sigh as

tell myself it’s time to help the world in other ways
and bid readers, and myself …… a good night.

and God … if you are listening … which you are, if i believe in God …
then i hope my efforts are not too terribly insane
and maybe even a little bit beautiful (beautiful like God)

just a bit? all i hope ……. my dream is for the pattern to live
and then



4 Replies to “life in the fast lane of a deity cloned through pride”

  1. There are so many kernels that I will meditate on for their deep meaning. What a brilliant piece of writing that wrestles, dances, gives insight, and names uncertainty as well as faith.

    1. thank you so much, I wrestle often with perceptions and the comprehension of outcome. my grandmother lives on in so much of what I think and believe. and I am grateful for that, because I think she taught me a type of appreciation for things that don’t go as planned. sometimes God takes the reins. sometimes your path will be for the better of others, not yourself. before she died, she said she was proud of me. but it wasn’t for anything I did perfectly (always seem to be slightly off the mark)….no, I think grandma was proud of me for what I didn’t do right. for my outlook.

      my circumstances are somewhat extraordinary, even in a room full of extraordinary lives. so I have learned to set myself apart from my understandings. and they are far from perfect. that’s why I enjoy a good debate.

      writing here on the blog, is a bit like debating oneself. or playing both roles. indulgent. but gives me a way to examine the sources of my reactive process.

      within mental health, I have been deemed to be defective. and I’m still trying to figure out why. a friend of mine used to say, that the problem isn’t that you are a danger to yourself or others, it’s that you are an annoyance to yourself and others….

      I’ve bridged many worlds. but I do feel that I am in God’s corner, not that God is in mine. so that’s part of it. and I know that I have a lot to learn. I never assume the worst is behind me. have dealt with all levels of society. I understand the stressors that plague most lives. didn’t give that up because I didn’t want it, gave it up because I could not live with it.

      so the fast lane is something I look at with a bit of awe…

Feedback always welcome

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s