comprehending the motives of others

i can appreciate being snubbed
it’s when it’s done with such disdain

anybody know my IQ?
me neither
i know what it was when i was a kid
i know i was a who’s who
but everyone was — sell more books that way

and guess the thing is that i never took pride
in ‘smart’
or i just took it for granted
not an above or below thing
more like a quantity thing
mostly having to do with taking the time
to learn

so i don’t mind being snubbed
it’s the thoughts in that churning
that bring to be something that is
considered superior

and i just sort of wonder why
why that need comes out
or what kind of past competitions existed
to prime someone

to always be right
hell, maybe that’s me too much, too
have to stand on what i know
like i’m wearing cement boots
like the end of the world would happen
if i move an inch
so i suppose there is that

but i think … what of the goal
so much depression
so much depression that i’m fighting it even now
, tonight … the lingering frowns
on faces not mine, wracked and hurting

the notion that all will be yours!

all will be exactly the way YOU want
to surrender ……. and i look at the
premise
think of the dynamics of irony
it bothered me
was kind of

like a very odd mind trap
complicated one
hard to dissect
and easier to just say it was wrong somehow

sort of uncomfortable
like the intent was to have
vulnerabilities in such obvious relief
rather than knowledge or
technique …….. so just
wondering

feel a little like dorthy i guess
no fix in the wizard’s bag for me
no instant answer

i have run through much in the way
of therapy
in the scope of analysis

you get to learn a thing or two
about therapists and why they are
in the profession they are in

that is the number one
and you’d be surprised how many
are in it because they genuinely want
to help people…. it’s a lot

large percentage
whereas i’m not sure how many leaders
are ‘in it’ to help people
or even if those with genuine concern
last very long

i just know we all make decisions

and see my decision is to be inclusive
of all – and not to snub

to not make snubbing a part of a group
dynamic — and when it becomes a part
of a group dynamic — then i’m not sure

of the point
………….guess i test people
or maybe try to determine the reasoning

am without sleep — need to catch up
….am not in the mood for dealing with
snubs
not sure of the whys

though i think some have to feel superior
or only have a relative sense of worth
rather than a dynamic sense of worth

i guess that’s it

is a fundamental philosophy
and i just enjoy the relaxed nature
much better

it’s all a growth
and i enjoy new experiences
and i like seeing others grow
bigger smiles

i’m not sure what kind of a threat i pose

i see through BS faster than you can say olly olly oxen free
i just don’t always call it
lift an eyebrow and go onward

…. so tonight is still depressing
and a little hollow

too much sorrow in one day
so many burdens and the share that
holds the goal a tad on the pointless side

but after all … i’ve been in tons of therapy
and group therapy
and i know positive from negative
i know what works and what stagnates

is not my fault
have just been through it all
and then rinse, wash, repeat

there are a lot of reasons for determining
certain directions
maybe i’m jaded

a little lost
a little bit trying to understand what
anyone wants from me …

it’s not the snubbing
so much as the level it was done at
one where only higher minds could note it

so i guess that’s ok

you know what comes after a good write
and a chance to look at yourself
and hopefully not lie to yourself?

a big bowl of ice cream
and a cat lying on the chest and purring
a mile a minute …….

i like working things out in words
seeing how feelings fit into the wider
parsing of logic

and i don’t want to be mendacious
just want to figure out what or why
or how to manage

i guess i get the put down
to kick me for the sake of not having
any judge of leadership … because i do

nine ways to sunday

that’s just me and i manage to keep a life
that can walk away tomorrow
from anything…. from anything

just how i roll

things don’t always work out for the better
and the one mind you can always know well, at least…

is your own

i guess the writing so much on here
is proof that i’m lonely

but in another way
it is proof that i’m not … that i have my
thoughts
that are more curious than simply a “poor me.”

i suppose that was what was so troubling…

there should not be an encouragement of the “poor me”s

too much of that in the world already
too much forgetting of what to be grateful for

things to thank the stars
to thank god — to thank life

so i just kind of stare at it all
like a bug in a jar
… i contemplate the differences.

i don’t stop liking myself
when someone else dislikes me

i turn and look at that…
think maybe they’re right

i’m abrasive and not very cool,
in my defense
my brain works a little differently

i don’t remember well in the short term
so i have to take subjects as they arise,

and so i tend to interrupt
…. which comes off as being a jerk

but the alternative for me is complete
silence because i’m not going to remember
what anyone said 10 minutes ago
even though i try to listen

it will be the last thing you say
and then people use that to bury their
premise in the first things they say…

so that you are stuck accepting the premise.

the premise was that there is such a thing
as emotional stasis

and i think we (humans) are always on the way
…to something

i don’t think there is ever smooth sailing
you might think others lives are smooth and
carefree — but that is because you are seeing
it from the outside.

on the inside it might be anything but smooth
to them….
so i think the premise is flawed

and so you have the foundation of comprehension
based on the difference
of smooth times versus rough times

when it’s really not these hills and vales

when it’s really not this feeling at home or not feeling at home

because you’re always at home
and in the right place you are supposed to be

that is what faith teaches us, that there is
a continuity

that sometimes life has a way of guiding
us to the where we are supposed to be,
or the spirit has a way of calling

so it’s a disservice to consider
moments of transition as a “bad” time

many times, it is just a growing time

i suppose the main differences are in strength
are in how strong you feel
how strong to face what comes across your path

like with the saying, “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.”
i suppose i don’t see the way
or reason to convince yourself that you are
out of the woods just because you said so

it’s all come down to circumstances

the chance for tomorrow to swing around
in a better state — a better outlook of the mind,
so try for each new day to be better than the last

often for me, that is by learning more on something
each new day
to have this progression that even when others
don’t see… i can feel it

the fact is, no part of my life
has been picture-postcard perfect stasis
in a fundamental placement of self as the
perfected creature
the perfect life

i think that is just a way to fool oneself
though how would i know, since i’ve never had it?
well, i see things differently

… i see it as healthy to continue to grow
and look for better situations and better ways
to be…

it isn’t an act or a performance
because if it were, who is your audience?

others you want to impress? but “the whole world is a stage
we are merely players
to strut our time … full of sound and fury,
signifying nothing.”

so the stage is for others to see,
but the life is the me that can quietly type
that can reassert what is important to ME
and discover what was bothering me…

so thaT THE DEPRESSION LIFTS AND I CAN SMILE
i can see the night as soft
and can see tomorrow as industrious

can see myself as just trying
trying to be the me i always was

always have been inside the same person
as ever i was …. the spirit doesn’t change
i don’t think, otherwise you wouldn’t recognize
yourself

so something remains a steady part
of self-awareness

often i think the only thing about life
is learning how to not let things get to you

and then i let things get to me, to test that
to make sure i have a way of not allowing
the super tangled and complicated comprehensions
to take over

it’s funny. i live off of too many metaphors
at least know enough to know i don’t know

not sure what IQ level that makes me
in fact, far as i’m concerned it doesn’t
make one very bright to want to know
just how bright you are
…………….sort of like taking one
test makes you flunk a bigger one.

there’s lots of different kinds of smart.

i could name off several for every person i know
but i pretty much think there are only a few ways
of sadness … of wishing the world were different
for yourself

i think it’s better to do something about it

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