because Christianity camp is SO much better

i was 13
the adult male camp counselor came after me wherever i went
i began hanging out with a french exchange student for protection
since no one from my school would be my friend

yet still i had to tolerate
at 13
an adult male putting his arm around me
…stroking my leg
stalking over to my side of the campfire
to be close in the dark

and my thought was i must deserve this
a creepy and unsettled feeling

trust me, i was not flattered
i was scared

and i told no adult when i got home
confused and angry
i vowed to never believe in this church
to leave it as soon as i was able

i continually made excuses to not go
i was sick
i had too much homework

can say what you like about how
that is one person

but it is many
many that do this and count
on women to be too ashamed

the point is, i’m not that 13 year old girl anymore
i’m a woman that in some ways rose above it
and in some ways, never did

part of me is still screaming in outrage
because it was a screaming at death, too
because of death, i had no father to run to
when i got home from camp … no father
to protect me from the world of men

so i focused on protecting my little sister
i focused on that and failed
because i was not a man

later in life,
i was incapacitated by heavy medications
at a mental hospital
a male patient took me by the hand
and outside behind bushes next to a building
and raped me
told me he would kill me when he was through
if i was not “clean”

i reported it
they brought out police
men with giant smirks on their faces
no charges were ever filed

i was a big girl
should have been able to take care of myself
somehow it was my fault i was medicated
and groggy and not able

i was big and so should be grateful some male
wanted to stick his wick in me?
that was the message i got

so when i say:
“when you approve of a “pussy grabbing” president — you are approving of my rapist. i hope you realize that. you DON’T GET TO BE THE PARTY OF FAMILY VALUES ANYMORE”

i am not talking about some hypothetical unknown rapist of the future
am talking about the past
and event already done
a fact completed in its outcome

this event happened to a woman
who still in recent years has had to tolerate
being locked into mental hospitals with men as roommates
this last one, a man larger than me by almost a foot
continually stood at my door
a homeless man

i was placed in a lock down section
with every other patient there a male
no place to dress and feel safe
no way to feel protected from even male staff
that had their phone cameras out and rolling video

and i was supposed to get mentally well there …
funny stuff.

so no. i don’t approve of america electing this type of male
you might as well go looking for the lutheran camp counselor
from when i was 13

and give him an award

Advertisements

6 thoughts on “because Christianity camp is SO much better

  1. That’s really awful that this happened to you – shocking the way you were treated. And yes, I can see and wholeheartedly agree with how you feel about that big piece of shit Trump – people like that have no respect for women at all (no respect for anyone, really, but the weaker you are, the more likely to be mistreated).

    • looks are all that the people of america care about in women. it’s why we are so behind other countries in having women in politics and the sciences. we had a chance to go forward in this election. now that chance is gone. it is a terrible society and backward, with no ambition to educate its members. the wish is for consumers with low educations, to be better suckers. mr trump is simply a further disgrace. an icing on the top of a nation that is pathetic in its idealism, when it is far from ideal.

  2. You are an amazing survivor and that’s about all many of us can say. We survived. Hard to believe people can forget about his vile attitude towards women as long as he can deport Mexicans and Muslims and build the wall he promised. Stay strong but don’t give up on the people who love and support you.

    • and i don’t know what is wrong with them, the americans that looked at trump and thought it was a good idea. can explain it with miscomprehension only to an extent that judges them ignorant. other than that, they knew he was this type of male, and threw every abused woman in the usa under the bus.

  3. it was difficult to write this. bringing up old wounds is not cathartic in this area, and done more for the sake of understanding. for the sake of explaining my deep rage, and how no amount of polishing on that male pig trump will change him from being a pig …not for me.

    i can’t and won’t forgive the people of america that voted for him. kissing up to power because they think that makes them powerful. the rise of fascism, the banding behind a dictator.

    i lost my country on november 8. not from losing an election, but because all the hate has been let out of the closet. the internet is so full of american trolls, it is decidedly less pleasant– and parents should consider banning children completely from going online. the trolls are vile, and large groups of anarchists are active and inciting more rage and insanity–calling those fighting for civilization SJW’s …social justice warriors as a slur and put down. and that is of course, very close to JeW.

    it started getting very bad after the primaries. now the internet has passed a point of no return, where there are just miles and miles of nasty comments and name-calling, and all sorts of vile behavior. the young people, but also the old. leaders of circles that inspire hate and spread the message of anarchy or fascism. blind worship of perceived power.

    it is a failure of each individual to realize their own power.

    i am at a loss for the moment, but know that i cannot continue to battle idiots online without disturbing my equanimity. i have spent over a decade of my life babysitting the internet. and currently, this is madness. site owners should be ashamed of the degree of vitriol, and shut down their websites entirely. the ugly of the usa mind and spirit, all recorded in black and white. all down for posterity.

    they proved their idiocy over and over, by repeating lies they heard from unreliable news sources, and spreading news items that are not real and never happened. and it’s not that these americans don’t know how to google and find the truth — it’s that they want to have the lies.

    i don’t know how to approach that kind of mind or person. it’s like the anti-thesis of integrity. and of course the king of NO-integrity was voted to sit at the head of a nation that was already prepped and ready to use as a war-machine against any and all other nations. we just put the largest war-machine of the world into the hands of an anarchist leader.

    i think it’s important for americans to “believe” we have made it through worse. but it is not america that i’m afraid-for. it’s the damage america will do to the world in the form of madman trump, and the necessity to remove america from its position as a world power. get that done one way or another. but the problem is that as a world leader, america has set the stage for right wing fascists to rise up in all nations.

    i want to leave the usa, to no longer be a citizen of the united states of america. i can’t cover for them anymore. and i won’t. but i can’t spend my life going more deeply insane in trying to keep the social order on the internet. i have failed at so many things in life. this i failed at, too. it is so depressing i find it hard to breathe. but my anger at trump more than anything — is that he destroyed the cyber-space society with his hate. it is useless now, a horrible thing. a nasty thing. a monster.

Feedback always welcome

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s