best is not found by fearing the worst

slowing down
she did everything in every moment
unafraid
to be in the crowd
stretch into existence
to do and be
act and react
now prefers to be alone
a day at home
more treasured than days at the beach
days on vacation
days on dates and bonfires and
making love under the moon
drinking until sunrise

now she reads at home
and hates crowds
loves the quiet

now she… now i enjoy
understanding more
and diving deeper in the mind

if given all the money in the world
would not use it to travel
because i have come to realize
that i hate traveling
and the planes are even smaller now
more crowded

i wouldn’t buy a house
nothing but headaches and worry
i wouldn’t want a maid
might hire a car
because walking can be difficult
might buy a better couch
a better bed

but do not like eating out
because get to worry about
what is really in things
and the body can’t manage
anything but my own cooking very well

used to like going to the mall
dreaming about all the clothes i could wear
how beautiful i would be!
now i take pride in a pair
of comfortable jeans found on discount
and it is better than the dream…

that’s the thing
and it’s better to not get whistles
and is better to not have that
feeling
body treated as an object
conquest and fear of men
and their hunger

it’s better to not endure the crowds
and fun is the mind facing another challenge
fun is some quiet gardening
fun is the fellowship at church
that is pleasant and not demanding

she has become a different person
this me
never believed in magic and miracles
still pretty much don’t
but this me now knows
that science is a construct
life itself in large part a design
of the mind
in it’s pursuit of consistency

operation and manipulation

the only thing telling my young self i needed more
was the falling into traps
traps created by man

seeing through them, now
even the health traps
as age shifts a woman from the fashion industry
to the healthcare industry

she sees every day as one more day to
remember how foolishness was the greatest
contributor to knowledge

and to forget the pain because it was
wanting so many perfect things
in an imperfect world
that never promised easy

only that ease
is a thought imperfectly expressed

and left to be between me and god
a buffer that tells the world

not yet

she doesn’t jump at the signs anymore
the opportunities put in path
like the world choosing your next step

plans are for mice and men
and she…i ….am woman
the best day is unplanned
and filled with smiles over absurdity

overflowing with a joy that
nothing complicates
no one tries to change me
not this time

this time my best is real
one day that looks like another
only because others
are not inside my days

subtle
i still look at the fear of death sometimes
but have too many things
to talk over with god and the universe

to go anywhere else
but the source
the culmination of
man’s dreams and a reality
that only hurts
if you let hurt

be your best

she loves a good challenge
and beginnings that require patience
this person i was and am

always felt a sadness at not
finding the same understanding in others
nobody else could see

but i treasure that sadness now
and the lies?
many deal untruths in the background
i know that now

when this started
when the new me started
was when i realized that it
doesn’t matter if someone else
is true in their caring or friendship

what matters is that my
caring matters and is not tainted
by giving love or caring
to those who are false

it was that understanding that there
is no shame in giving

and not getting
to be aware love is not dependent
on the lives inside of others
it is my best
that counts and lives as the
integrity

betrayal is placed out of range
the back is not a pincushion
for yet more knives

because it is covered by a smile
an understanding of the many ways of deceit
i needed all those years of needing

because the difference
is clear
to let go and know my best
is given and if not received
the fault is not in having
a life large enough to care

the fault exists
in those who only see themselves when they look at you?
the fault is circumstance, nothing more

manipulation is not a coveted behavior
it is more fascinating
to watch freedom

and that means you let ’em go
when best is not good enough
the best is not wrong

she is a changed woman, this me
i don’t go over what needs to be done
tomorrow as i lie in bed struggling
to go to sleep
that was the young me existing
as i was taught

now i am my best
i sleep when i decide

close my eyes and reach for the cosmos
and lie to God
in hopes that my lies
eventually come true

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