on class levels leveling

when you think about class
the propensity to set oneself
as higher
according to setting others lower
are we taught that at the
beginning with birth order?

favorites
in school we called it
putting down
as soon as someone enters
can classify
decide if they are higher or lower
dress
decorum
how shallow that all is!

you try to say you are above
classifying itself
but realize that when someone
enters
immediately evaluate
breeding … how they were raised
and this becomes
part of a brace
an evaluation
of oneself

i have fought against
classification
class
not because of ethics
but because it does not
hold truth

yet the propensity so strong
that one then sets above all
in saying don’t see class

caught in simply a different web …

do my own experiments
the short hair brings more respect
even with strangers
and lately i have experimented
with earrings and without
creates a difference between
” have a nice day ”
and “have a nice day, ma’am”

even according to type of ear-bob
have noted smelling of cigarettes
and to not
scent also a key
to somehow indicate class

money, of course
but money decorates class
i don’t think it creates it …
have seen many that twisted themselves
up into supreme knots
to have “more” while not
getting speech or mannerisms … down

and speech itself
heavens
now testing myself with
speech to text
and realizing how very many
of my words are slurred

quite a wake up call, that

i embarked on my experiments
at age nine
attempted a put down
of a new girl to school
the only one who could possibly
be lower on the pecking order

she was happy with a new ring
and instead of agreeing
i said how awful it was
compared to my own

but instead of feeling better
i felt shamed
something snapped inside of me that day
something that told me
this can’t possibly be the way to exist
a christian school
so we had plenty of examples
of christ hanging out with tax collectors

yet i was seeing one thing in the teachings
and the people acting an entirely
different way

and so fast forward to now
what have i learned
are there only more problems
or is there some kind of solution

class is depending on someone
to react a certain way

oh and i “cleaned up” my language
another factor i used
to determine differences

it is not a difficult change to make
and suddenly find yourself
not only perceived differently
but ticking off any “bad” words used by others

…. class is the dependency on
reaction

those of less class are more free to react?
that is a big part
and one thing noted over the years
the strange fact
that even while setting oneself above
are at the same time jealous
of those set below

jealousy itself at the heart
even our economics depend on it
keeping up with the jones
and the understanding
that reality doesn’t matter

it is appearance that matters

class is a narrowed range
for reaction

and supported then
by a jealousy
of wider ranges

and in my practical nature
i wonder if we shouldn’t just print
our bank accounts on our foreheads…

so the problem
lies in jealousies
or biblically we could term it
coveting

but also there is the
propensity
of classification itself
the cataloging of differences
or sameness

with sesame street making sure
everyone got their lesson
on noting differences
one of these things is not like the other …

almost a mock
for mankind and his hope
to create ….

predictability … which comes
back down to fear

fear and jealousy
i stood against the wall
relaxing and watching the members
of the state mental institution

had signed up to volunteer
to eventually be a worker
one of the staff
remarked on how well i got along
“well they are just people”
nothing to fear
and i knew that because i was
on the other side of that fence
so i did not fear
the clinically insane
so i myself stood out as different

in fact
i have had to split myself
into a before and after
and remind myself that there was a time
i was just as afraid as others

a reliance upon predictability

rights needing to be legislated
the jealousy
against freedom

so there is not just envy
but combined with envy of
WHAT

and setting oneself above
perhaps taught at the very
beginning
when vying for the attention
of parents

my grandmother not only made sure
the same amount was spent on each child
at christmas
she informed us
yet always favored my intellectualism

we favor blogs themselves
with likes
and yet what do i think
when seeing a blog with hundreds
of likes
i think that person has really hussled
to have the followers
to appeal to the masses

there are certain strictures
you must be predictable

you have to sacrifice creative freedom
i never saw it as a decent trade off
even tried it at one point to be sure
the number of comments
and likes ring how after a time …
the need of applause itself

so … class and
church …. when a new arrival
was invited to sit with us
she said in her very affected british accent
“i am going to take a gander of the room
and see the best place to sit.”

fast forward to months later
and while at my usual table
noted she had placed herself
right next to the new pastor
and she never stops talking
part of me is relieved she is not
at this table …

grandmother would call it pandering

the search of status
the appearance of status
to “suck” up to another
that one sees as “higher”

so i investigate my feelings
how not only do i not ‘believe’
in social ladders
but i carry a hatred for those that do

but is it a jealousy?
just another form of
setting oneself above?

there is no such thing
as over analyzing, btw
you simply either do or you don’t

i obviously DO
spelling it out can help to
simplify
in ones own mind
and of course
we have you either write
for yourself or for others
i kind of try to do both

class at its very basics
is a part of human nature
that is never defeated

because only by rising
in class can you work
to defeat class norms
and then the position
from which to do that
is dependent on class
itself ……………………….

a sticky wicket
a catch twenty two
a fact that at the heart of every human
is a wish to see every other human
as brothers and sisters?
no
as beings

simply beings
conglomerations of wishes and hopes
dreams and realities

people who are either struggling
to be important
or who gave up the battle
long ago

but who are equal
only by equal chance

talent
skill
born into what?

for the future
i think there needs to be
less “but for the grace of god go i”
and instead
go there

so i did
and all i can say
is that i have seen that same
stared despair in the face

looked out at a world
that is both simple and complex
and i have determined
that if we
if i am to rise above my prejudices
then i must somehow defeat them
where they begin

and that is from
jealousy
fear
and inadequacy

we start at being perfect in our own minds
the baby is perfect
though i as a baby was not and incredibly fat

lol…so

yep ……so ….what?
well the beginning then
is to feel adequate

and you can do that by
either pulling up against the measure
and matching it

or by creating a different measure
that involves a site of personal needs

well or there is abolishing measure

great expectations
dickens knew and had no answer
but to detail the problem

can i do any better?
i think what is needed
is a form of letting things lie
while changing them at the same time

i have not looked into a single pair
of human eyes that was not adequate
in telling me
the soul is often pained

i hand out trays of food to the homeless
realize it simply creates a greater gap
between me and them
i am giving
they are receiving

i fight that temptation
to feel superior
i fight it
and yet depend on it to
alleviate my own feelings of inadequacy
i feel the rise in the hearts
of the do-gooders
and the lowering of the hearts
in the good

this battle is never over
but i know that as a society
we need to wake up
for the only way to progress
is to feel for our fellow man

the only way
to understand equality
is to live it

there is pentance
and even that just a bandage

class itself is a kind of evil
but the setting of good and evil
is a reenforcement
of class

has to be a way out…
therefore the fault is
within the logic itself

it’s within our bilateral appearance
or definition
via opposite
and ordering the world
into the same

observe the flower …
it is not your opposite
observe the bird
it is also not your opposite

god cares for them
and you, also

our logic is flawed
the path forward
is in thinking differently
about conclusions

that are stubbornly
made correct

a lack of fear
means you can love more people

a lack of jealousy
means you can love yourself more

we are all inadequate
but together … maybe not

the premise
is not incorrect
the establishment of a premise
is at fault

discontentment….
and there liath the rub

to feel important
how does a problem solver
make themselves useful?

best of all possible worlds
let go and let god

perhaps wisdom
is realizing you yourself
are unnecessary

for better paths
to arrange a future
that is both predictable
and exciting

is not in one person’s hands
unless they are very greedy
i was a very fat baby …

what lessons have i learned?

when you look at it
is about the day itself
and turning to help others
but also
realizing you need help
from the One above …

and see
that sounds right
and again it is class

once again are caught

it’s the logic that is flawed
the language
that has left us … left me
struggling

to understand why we work
to apply differences

at all

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