thinking outloud and louding a think

so back to the
premise that so afraid
of failure, actually work
to avoid positions of any
responsibility

i get there and feel stuck for
any workaround

just look at it
realize pretty much defines my life
or good part of it

never tried to ‘get’ positions
of authority – they were more or less
thrust on me
became crew lead because
they needed someone who knew
the routine
offered assistant manager
always
because no manager wants to
come in at 7am to open the store

but was always the politics
that would drive me batty
the push and pull

figured the best way to not get
thrown off a ladder
was to never step onto one…

have always been the loner and couldn’t
really say why
except that i had a hard enough time
putting myself down, didn’t need
others piling on

saw groups as deterrents, as a source
of criticism
was never very good at “following” and
too afraid of failure to “lead”

i suppose the best answer is to tell myself
that nothing is the end of the world

to mentally minimize possible outcome

there is the whole mental illness thing
where society itself finally stamps you as unfit
and it does get pretty scary when you watch
the definition for your “illness” grow
over the years to include everything about you

like they are making it up as they go along
and you yourself are the poster child
the stick for measure… it’s frightening

i think of all the paths i could have taken
and i’ve had more forks in the road…
seriously
and it’s frightening because “they” decided i
was unfit FIRST
and then made anyone remotely like me
as also considered unfit

you might think that is some kind of paranoia
but really hard to not see the whole thing
without going, “well what’s so wrong with me?”

i pry more deeply
look into reasons
i always liked reading about adventures
more than having ones of my own

mainly because i can quantify risk

so far they haven’t made reading a symptom of
mental illness, but i’m sure they will get around to it

it’s really hard to find ‘faith’
… you know?
because with my toes going numb, and it looking
like i have some type of deeper nerve disorder,
the whole assumption of mental illness as an
explanation has lost credence, and you just think
can’t they test for anything, or do they prefer
to have more humans to test more drugs on?

there’s no sense
only thing can conclude is i belong to a ‘type’
that is considered better off out of the way
and it’s DESPITE my nerve disorder, not because of it

and considering i have studiously avoided conflict
it’s a little ironic that at some point one or more
conflicts got me branded as someone to hit over the head
until they are pounded well enough into the ground

but that is pity-talk — woe is me!
and personal responsibility is necessary
i just think that for the sake of sanity,
things also must be balanced
with plenty of blame thrown in the right directions

there are very few incidences
where i can tell myself, i should have
made that OTHER choice

very few that i can catalog as a completely bad decision
one thing leads into another

the last time the bastards locked me up
i said i would go with them fine if they would
give me something to do, to occupy the time
and not leave me sitting and staring at walls…
and what do they do? after i got them to promise
and i was promised! a verbal pact …
and yet the ‘treatment’
is to be locked up and left to sit and stare at walls
for 90% of the day
and i’m serious … given nothing to do
maybe some coloring
coloring! the thing i gave up
by about age 12

it’s mind boggling that all these people say
they want you to get mentally better
and then make it as hard as possible to do so

beyond that, i am very tired
of being horrified by how evil people can get (be)
once they know they have complete power over you

it’s just very dismaying
that humans like that even exist

i don’t want to have that realization shoved in my face
infuriating
and have no ‘faith’ in any part of the ‘system’
because there is so little that even makes sense
with no real testing or even disclosure or consulting
only pronouncements done regarding your health
and then rubber stamped
as this or that with no proof and THEN
they blame your doubt on the illness they’ve
rubberstamped you with
set it up so there is no way to win

and it’s very hard to even gain faith in yourself, then
very difficult to rise above and see yourself
as a real person with real rights
you kind of decide that you must deserve
all the mistreatment for some reason … and
“accepting” that you are some kind of defective
model of brain — that’s not only not right, it’s not possible

because the very thing i must use for judgment (brain/soul)
they are saying i can’t use because it is bad
and then they want me to use it to judge that i am bad

see?
it doesn’t work

and i’m like, by what kind of anything
does any other person on this planet
have the right to decide i am bad
and have bad judgment
when i am alive to tell the tale?

so not only do i find it confusing
i think it’s very deceptive at the core

i am the one who gets to judge my life, not
some freak in a white coat

so… i’m kind of deciding that i have
been pretty lazy

and have avoided being necessary for anyone else
because i don’t want to put in all the work
and then die inside from failure

i’m kind of looking at that and going
it’s a real problem
to always choose to be the understudy,
and never the star

makes for a low key life
so i don’t regret that part
and hard to say regret any of the avoidance
over the years

i guess a lot of it comes down to authority, too
i don’t accept authority by anyone
soon as i find someone smart enough to give me
an order, i’ll let you know

the one person who was close, has passed away
and so part of not being able to take orders
is you can’t join the barrel full of monkeys on
their ladders in the first place

so there is that, too
and i would concur that that part of me
of myself
is faulty … to consider every single person
of less ability has got to be wrong

has to be my inability or lack of strength
to see the good qualities and the
excellence within others

i don’t believe in hero worship

that’s part of it

(done ruminating for the day … have a good weekend!)

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