lifelong failure

fear of being depended on
bad english
but the bad is often more simpler

i have these incidences
throughout life
where i didn’t come through
and still feel shame
to think of them

not forgiveness so much
as it was a failure
to get the other party
to understand the circumstances
like being judged and hung
without a trial
but knowing you were guilty
anyway
and it’s the entire laws
that need to be proven wrong

the expectation of perfection?
but this is my white whale
only took half a century
to see it
though finding the problem
and solving it are two
different things

the cases of overexpectation
for me on the majority of times
occured for a paid task

they generally involved my brain
forgetting to do something

the fear and cringing of castigation
has effected me to where
i constantly remind myself
over and over when something
important needs doing

it doesn’t sit and wait for the time
the anxiety builds
and that’s normal
except for the degree

how i am terrified
of not meeting expectations

to where i have
avoided being necessary in all things
i don’t want to be depended on

why does it hurt so deeply
why have i chosen to avoid altogether

it’s the lack of forgiveness from others
but the shame deep in myself
for creating a failure that shouldn’t have happened

they have long forgiven or forgotten
but i still carry it
almost as a judgment on THEM
for being too harsh and demanding perfection

i was hired to pick up a friend’s children after school
i really didn’t want the job
knew i was already over burdened
but my husband insisted we needed the money

one day i was busy and forgot
the children were ok
taken care of by teachers that stayed late
and i rushed to the school when i remembered

but i was raked over the coals …
how could i be such a terrible person?

what is wrong with you ….

but it’s what has always been wrong with me
or it’s what has always been wrong
with a system that demands perfection?
consistency

i have no defense
i’m an idiot
i forgot
you have me dead to rights
and the hatred hits me like a ton of bricks

i feel shamed
i feel like i can’t help being a forgetful person
because that is what i am
but what i am is bad
very bad

so i try to not be necessary
for anything or anyone

and if i start becoming necessary
…. even for simply existing as a person loved
i work to be unloved or less lovable

i don’t want to be necessary
and then punished when who i am
is not enough

so i’m going to be looking at this
because it’s definitely the problem
of my entire path
through life

the solution is not lists
every time i make a list
there is a 99% chance i will fail to complete
everything on it
as if am caught in some kind of
rebelion against myself

i don’t feel rewarded
even when finish buying
what’s on a shopping list

i feel stupid and inferior
for not being able to remember
what i need to buy anymore

my brain does not work that way
i have to remind myself of names
constantly go over them
to even remember the names of relatives …

as i get older it’s just getting worse
i hear the names of characters
spoken on a sitcom
ones i’ve heard over and over
and this time around they seem strange
and unfamiliar …

but it’s not just how it is
it’s how it has always been
i’ll remember complete images
from 40 years ago…. like looking up
at the wall of children’s art at a
school competition
and i remember every single line of the one
i submitted
i can place myself there in my mind
as completely as if it’s time travel

but i will forget the name of a friend
as i’m speaking with them …
& part of me panics

i think there has to be a solution
for not wanting to be depended on

a philosophy should have embraced?
a knowledge failed to gather

perfection and expectations
my memory for words has never been strong
it’s not going to get stronger

it’s why i write
to remind myself i can think
i just don’t do it quickly

have to fumble through
and backspace a lot

but that’s enough about me
how has your day been?

i can’t seem to get going
it’s cloudy outside but still hot
and muggy

i feel like i’m hurting
for every single human misery
sad and sighing as if there
is no hope that things will get better
for anyone …

but i just need to get off my rear
and get moving
plenty of things to get done
yet nothing that can’t wait

it’s not the joy that’s hard to find, you know
it’s that if you have much joy
stand out like a sore thumb
among all the somber people
all the ones that remember things well
all the ones who are necessary

i’m sure going to take a long time
thinking on this one …

so don’t mind me
i have always been too self-involved
always worried about how i looked
always anxious about what others thought of me
it’s a neverending trial
yet the regrets are few
the big picture is clear
and the details are fuzzy…

would have made a terrible star
anyway

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