only a short while (revised, completed)

if start jumping through others hoops
it never ends
there will be nothing good enough
because the goal is not THAT hoop
the goal is to inspire a jump in the first place

the goal is a lifting up
of self to a superiority according to
habit or action

so i choose one that i can control
one that i can manipulate to least harm

because a prejudice is going to happen
regardless
since the goal is to have a prejudice

this way that thing is under my control

it’s not my skin color or my weight
or any manner of things that i have little
control over … no

it’s what i choose
and manipulate the manipulator
into choosing that prejudice

i repeat
there will be a prejudice no matter what i do
no matter what path i choose
there will always be something
because the goal is to have the prejudice
so i choose which one you will have

and i see how far your hatred of me
effects the rest of the world

a strange experiment
i’ll confess

and even though still do not jump
the hoops even i select
….i am the one controlling this circus

i am the one calling those particular shots
at least for a little while

i hear every whisper…
if she were just THIS
or this way or if just did this
or didn’t do that ….

the DON’T do this to be correct
is an interesting phenom

got any idea how far i can sneer down on you
for drinking alcohol?
got any idea how i can blame
my problems on you
and your failure to see how you put
me in danger
so that you could keep your habit
to enjoy that one glass of wine?

oh it’s never no mind
truly
i haven’t done that because i believe in
freedom as well as personal responsibility

some day you must come to utah
and feel the austerity of a majority
who embrace what prejudices they can
all that are simple
and pure … they design a whole
storefront of hoops…. where the people
jump and cavort
yet coffee and cigarettes are a matter
of “no temple time for you!”
so they withhold … maintain a carrot

i learned everything i needed to know
about life by age 5
from bugs bunny cartoons every saturday morning…

sermons seemed a little minus any nuances after that

the point?
think about the point
of this thing is good for you/this thing is bad for you
as brought about on mass scale and mass persuasion

it’s the point that is wrong
it’s the process that is the error
the necessity developed to own a prejudice

i’m trying to find out where exactly

so i sicked you
i sicked them all onto one thing
one undeniable error
watched as the movements against it grew
in size until they overshadowed freedom

the experiment is over
was over
i just like to have a few cigarettes now
with my coffee, as i contemplate the beginning
of each day

why should i worry about what will kill me?

if i want to start doing that,
the medications are far more deadly
and those, of course — you don’t want me to quit

therefore, the conclusion is that the concern
is not to improve MY health
the concern is to maintain your own
prejudice

i’ve already been dead
and i took a mind journey to explore
why others fear it
so now i understand but i still
do not hold that fear for myself

death kind of does that for you
it’s a collective, the light
has to be if our souls are absorbed into it

i don’t know when or how i will go once again
but i love that if you
hadn’t had your prejudice
and if i hadn’t had my stubbornness

i would not be alive at the moment
and that is pretty much fact
that i would have died 19 years ago from
carbon monoxide, and she would have too

if i weren’t a smoker
yes we were both that close to death
and i went up and out of my body — only came back
because of a baby’s cries
and even then i did not want to — no.
so much nicer to leave all the pain behind

it was only going outside for a cigarette
that brought enough air into the house
and saved both her and me
from having our bodies snuffed out

so i don’t know what to think
when anybody tries to tell me
that my enjoyment of a few cigarettes
is going to kill me

or that i’m stupid for choosing
this particular vice
when if i hadn’t chosen it
i would already be dead

yes my case is different
but i find it deliciously ironic and

so i let those who wish to hate, hate
i let you drink your wine
i let you drive your car
i let you cluck in the cluck groups
that are clucking comfortable….

the experiment is finished
done
and i have enough room carved out
to move for the moment
it’s all about motion and time

see i allow your prejudice
because i know one has to be there
and have found that that necessity
is a constant, in that if one or more
reasons for a prejudice are removed,
those left only gain in strength
predictable fluctuations
i’m sure jackson found that after
making skin white – the hate for a musician grew
or the hate for a rich man – it really doesn’t matter
it’s just that prejudice
is not dependent on your actions … that’s the point
it is pre-judgment

it is a hole in the person that has the prejudice
not a problem with the one who is hated-on

as a walker at this point
i’m having a very hard time suppressing feelings of anger
against those who
drive everywhere and pollute my air
with their vehicle
as well as the noise pollution
very stupidly keep it up and
drive to their meetings on global warming
i don’t know where to start…. but i know
it shouldn’t start with prejudice
with pre-judgment from ME

how to make a difference?
but it’s better to hold onto freedom
it’s better to respect freedom
i’m sure walkers used to hate stepping in horse poop, too

all only validates
that when a prejudice exists
it does so for the sake of having the prejudice itself
you are looking for something to fill that hole
a point of superiority

so the real problem
is the need for a prejudice
a pre-judgment

i’ve been looking at that
and don’t have a cure yet
other than knowing it correlates to fear
the fear goes up and our prejudices flourish
or it’s the other way around
prejudices go up and fear flourishes

but you definitely
aren’t going to make a prejudice go away by jumping
through the hoop
another one will just take its place
or others will just grow stronger
only a fool would jump every hoop
one down
and ten thousand more to go

i stepped back a long time ago
spun around and pretended
“what hoop???” “i don’t see any hoop?”
“what do you want me to be again to stop your hate?”

have noted that families with less prejudices for its members
have a better atmosphere for
developing creative abilities
…. i sort of envy that

but can’t change what you can’t change
and i’m alive, remember?

have my coffee and cigarettes in the morning
smile as i read the news and say a few prayers
(“inheritance is a terrible thing”…
she would say that and mean it)

i explore a video game to see how far we’ve come
hey…it’s not everything to win!
not everything, no
to look at paths and calculate

my prayers usually begin with
“why me?”

how far into a land can you go?

i sat in that green vinyl chair saturday mornings
and i didn’t laugh
i watched and opened my eyes wider
turned down an eyebrow
rolled my eyes up — and went ok

that one was incorrect

good ol’ bugs
what kind of sermon do you think they had going there?
and our parents didn’t get up and turn on the tv
we turned it on
and there was ONE chair
and i got up early enough to take it

because i loved my siblings
a complicated thing…

guess my point is that a prejudice exists
for the sake of the prejudice,
not the thing it focuses on to hate

and i don’t live for you
i live for me

that is what makes me different
i don’t know what it’s like to hate someone
who is smarter

i sit with my coffee and cigarette
i look at the world
got any idea what i see?
no you don’t

i see a lot of beauty
there is that
and i work very hard
to ignore the heart and life

the beginnings and ends
of all the prejudices known to the heart of man
i have to work at that

i carry the notes and i pray
those prayers always start with “why me?”

and they pretty much never end

i know the difference between sane and crazy
it’s the rest of the world that seems to be
having trouble understanding which is which

so pardon me if i don’t take your advice
but i don’t believe in you
i believe you have been influenced

there is a change that is going to happen
it has been started and it will conclude
balls are rolling
and you should be afraid

but not of me
never of me

SAM_0290

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