boot strap woes

how to explain the fluctuations
the bartering on faith?
how the only way of strength
is to first doubt?
to understand inadequate satisfaction
blow holes
into the side of that boat …
it’s so easy, after all

so easy
making the boat float
is the harder of two propositions
the more difficult task

and there is the question of
what is good for the Me

number one, there is the power of a name
and the power of the christ-name is great
you can call upon your mom, your fathers!
yet nothing reaches the magnitude
this i know only from days of doubt

without doubt, would not know…

therefore i see doubt as a positive reality
even a necessity for a further quest
though few have been through any stages
and many have much to be forgiven

continue to harm others
each day relying on a forgiveness
to sooth spirit

what else do i know?
i know that a group provides
and many find

in that the strong are motivated
to not seek

because strength, after all
must believe in itself!
believe in ability of mind,
not the failure of discernment

therefore to go out and away from
any faith-body
can be a positive and necessary thing
a way to explore with a differing set
of parameters … constructed with hope
rather than surrender

therefore why am i among those with no proof
only need and more need of

honestly it puzzles myself to some degree
yet i know i still follow my own path
of discovery into faith
one not laid out and polished
one that i look at every day and wonder
if this is how true madness takes its form

oh, i wonder!
yet feel deeply that the roots of compassion
can flourish here
under the power of one name and i know
how that defies the science
the physical comprehension of reality
borne in consistency

science is looking for consistency
btw … it is merely another comfort-task
soothing path

to tell ourselves that this day
THIS day
will be like unto the last…
circles and more circles

pulling yourself up by your bootstraps
means you go it alone
a soldier’s term from a soldier’s class

needing no hand
no reach from another
to lift you up when you fall

but i am saying strength is not then only in you
but it is in those shoe-laces
and who built them?
who and what is God?
who and what is Man?

therefore i say
remember how there is no quantification of

wonder is the true comfort
how we wonder at the ability of man
and wonder even more at the ability of God (nature)
and wonder at the depth of evil

for there is evil! only a fool doesn’t see
the bad
only a fool doesn’t see
how LOW men will stoop
and how high fools will pull themselves
into faith
just so they can feel
and not see the evil
not comprehend the fear
it is fear, after all that motivates
most men
to hide within religious comprehension

but so, too — only a fool does not see
the beauty and the heart
of necessity within man himself…

the day here is bright
it is sunny
yet i am in pain
so i rise above
i do not fall to despair
nor do i believe falling is
any kind of answer

and i thank God for every moment of my life
you want to know why?
because a thankful heart is the only thing
that can balance a questing mind

bootstraps will eventually break
when you pull on them too many times
that is why faith
is not what any sane soul relies upon
yet faith also heals

you say maybe yes and maybe no
and you grow old
you realize that freedom was not in
the ability to leave

but rather, freedom
is in the choice to return

to see things a little bit differently
to bridge worlds
because you are a soul that has explored doubt
that knows where all the holes are

how broken it all is!
yet we love our broken things…

we even love our broken bootstraps
worlds of frustration pull upon them too many times
too many times!

therefore i would never ask you to be other than what you are
and i have a never-ending supply of shoe laces
that is what the mind does
a careful mind
an unexhausted mind
a mind that feeds on wonder
and sees God in its sleep….

broken things are repaired or replaced
in these bootstrap woes
continuance is what i seek

tomorrow doesn’t have to be here
but i will arise just the same

for life does not and never has had to depend upon faith
any sort, any kind
we are soldiers
we pull ourselves up by the bootstraps

i don’t need to depend upon faith
my faith depends upon me

i am a christian
you can be whatever you want
i am not responsible for your discomfort
nor for your misunderstanding
thinking i would wish all to be christian
that that would be cause to make me feel better?

hell no
my path is not your path
my trials are different in so many ways
yet i can pretty much say i have been tested
more than most

locked naked in a cell
guarded by men and a grating in the floor
for a toilet …. i would say i have
been tested and that was not even the worst
test or trial…

maybe the worst was seeing a woman pregnant
chained to my own foot with shackles

maybe the worst was the time i threw a chair
at a window … because heaven was on the other side
and they were locking me in hell

maybe the worst was a marriage band
that i had to shove on my finger myself
hands swollen in discomfort as i said the words
of pledge …

maybe the worst was that he did not love me

maybe that was the worst…

regardless, the path i have taken is not one that has proven easy
why would i ever recommend it to another?

why would i disparage those who find faith first?

i have pulled myself up time and again
even though bootstraps break
this is my choice
my being

this is my faith

it does not lie within a superfluous construct
of projected desperation
it rests on no God and no Man
it is a world of pain woven into those bootstraps
the ones that break time and again
the ones who have been my true companion
and my true reliance
the way i keep faith
the way i hold on to something greater
is i let it go
i let the world be what it will

i smile down to pull on the old bootstraps again
and i do not and never depend upon faith itself
that is contrary to the person i am

a person who knows betrayal
but also knows each one who betrays only
hurts themselves more than they could ever hurt me

how do we begin to fix that?

see, my faith exists and is alive and grows
step by step

self-pity never heals heartbreak!
therefore i will care for my own breakings without sorrow
i will heal, i will fix, i will repair
i will do what is necessary because i am able
compliment to cain…. can
i won’t cry for myself
i will know what it means
to be a better human being
every tomorrow of my life

i will trust in the fact that trust always fails
and i will always smile when something escapes explanation

a lost soul
but part of me understands and knows
i was loved — found long ago
or found something long ago
something gripped at a very young age
when my mind hit the barrier for its own reason
i found truth
in the world around myself
i saw past my own example and into the void of retreat
where my questing mind touched the mind of God and called it good

therefore i do not depend upon faith
i do not discourage it but i do not depend upon it

i do not need the complicated faith of others to bolster my own

i live with my bootstraps
simple things, they are
old and cracked and tired

used time and again…
ready to take me home
just not quite yet

old is age
and age is forever
but faith is a fickle thing
so i do not depend upon faith!

i depend upon my bootstraps
and my faith….well, it depends upon me



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