severely misunderstood

still trying to figure out
what allows me to wake without pain
so far still a mystery
what did i do right
what did i eat what did i not eat
is it mold
is it histamine
is it just my back
but i think i have wonky nerves
that periodically decide
to feel everything as pain

and there’s several diseases and syndromes
for that…. but it is a good morning for a change
where simply opening the eyes
isn’t an uphill battle

when i get really deep
and write a lot
that is me escaping the pain
trying to find a place in my mind
where i can still keep
equanimity

then the release of a no pain morning
is a weight lifted
usually after a dream
where i have traveled
left the body
other eyes….. do i leave something behind?
do i bring something home?
do i process in a different part
of the brain
are nerves repaired?
i don’t know

breath
breathing
on good mornings i can breathe
less microbes?
though it’s more like being allowed
to breathe
doctors no help
they only know how to write perceptions
patients are lab rats, one and all

it’s all in your mind!
no….. if i could think my way out
of this…. i would have
there is absolutely no part of me
that would choose pain over
no pain
no part of me subconsciously
looking for punishment

know thyself!
yes, and i do so
only too well

i think my nerves
are furiously trying to bridge
broken gaps
feeling better might even be when they’ve
given up
stopped trying to reattach
to wrong pathways

i know when it started
when i was 3 months preggers
1995… staying at that disgusting motel
with her father…
i know it was some change
where the nerves felt more
i have theorized until theories
are coming out of my ears

she is almost 20 now
20 years of good days and bad days
20 years of never knowing
if the day will be a fight
or a truce

i can face anything
on days of truce… anything!
but on days of fight,
i can only face myself

do you still think i’m bipolar?
i think i’m severely misunderstood

SAM_0228

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