if you want to understand a mentally ill loved one

it was the first time
have brought myself
out of a hypomanic state
that turned delusional
proving that it can be done
and more quickly rectified
through adequate sleep
at home
rather than massive druggings
and incarceration in a mental ward

also noted that the problems
are within a hyper-state of awareness
which will lead thoughts to
believe that changes have occurred
like the scotch tape you never noticed
was there, until you went looking for scotch tape…
the brain takes in easily 500% more data
on surroundings
leading to convoluted explanations
for the manifestation of all the new data

and mental overload is putting it mildly
the extra input allows for less processing
leaving gaps in logic trains as they
pertain to the actions of others
then leading to escalations of paranoid

once into the paranoid stage
adequate sleep becomes even more difficult
and the shut down of incoming data
involves a selective process
which then centers around support
of the new (incorrect/delusional) form
of reality
or inner explanations for external events

the reactive process then alters,
giving others a wariness which then
feeds in to the new, altered ‘reality’

one thing that is interesting
is that others seem to be going
haywire or even more haywire
during this stage
and i still have no explanation for that

it’s as if a large chain of events
are dependent upon my own stability
or predictability

there is also a freedom
where selection of action
involves less planning
less visualization prior to the action
which i would say a majority of people
function in that way all the time, and
are more dependent on custom,
or actions predetermined as correct
by society

for choices, i visualize the outcome
if i cannot ‘see’ a scheduled event
prior to engaging, i generally move away
from that direction or point of goal

in that to be free from
the selective taskmanager… is a “high”
leaving one in a more wondrous state

so a different construct or
explanation of reality
less boredom, from taking in more visual
clues and data, and spontaneous action
that relieves the mind
from the pressure of outcome

normally people leave me alone
but in the hypomanic state
i noted even cars were honking
while i walked…. you know, men trying to
make you jump or whatever
people were saying good morning and
when normally i am invisible
to them

this does not help the feelings
that reality has altered in some
fundamental way

it’s as if i’ve joined the rest of the world
and the rest of the world’s insanity
becomes shoved in my face

the plus side
is that walks are not drudgery
or boredom
they become adventure
and life itself becomes more open
to possibility

like any action/reaction process
one can push the envelope
too far, and thereby conclude
that freedom is only good to an
extent…. and even the
” newfound freedom” has limits

so it is in running up against those limits
that then the system basically
runs you down and shuts you
into a cage as punishment

it is not beneficial
or has not proven to be beneficial
and leads to even worsening
of a delusional process

so the answer
was that i broadcasted the fact that i
was going hypomanic
this gave those who know me
a better chance for understanding
and secondly
i placed the blame fully on not
getting sufficient rest due to
noisy neighbors
and i focused on forcing myself
to sleep
not through drugs
but by employing electronics and
sound of a familiar tv show

where i could quantify
the nature of exactly how much more
information i was absorbing
basically over loaded myself with incoming
auditory data

i’ll be honest, it’s much
better and more fun
to be crazy… to go on walks
that are not burdened with pain
of any sort
where not only the mind is free
but the body is free of every
single limitation

where full command
is available and every bit of pain
simply not registered

there is no pause

with a reliance on instinct
and no burdens involving the past
only actions and insight into the present

the broad term ‘energy’ is used
but it’s not more energy
is the freedom to decide where
your energy goes

i know many prefer a continually
hypomanic state
why it is not feasible
….. well there is resentment
against happy people
and also eventually
the degree of extra incoming
data becomes unmanageable

i believe it happens
as a type of emergency
physiological response

regardless of how that comes about
whether from ms corroding neuron
pathways, or from situational
emergencies or stress

once kicked into high gear
it has been impossible to
go back into low gear until
left locked in a cell to face
your insanity alone and unaided
in fact hindered by the drugs forced
into the bloodstream
they don’t give you sleeping pills
or simple ones to knock you out
so the body can repair
they would rather take the opportunity
to experiment at your expense

guess what i’m saying
is i’m glad to not be
going nuts for the moment

because one tires of the idiocy of
our medical community

and can be stated that the craziest ones on this planet
are those that won’t let others be
it can also be noted that those
who fear insanity the most
are the greater danger to everyone
because their insecurities lead to
greater limitations for others
on every level

but i do miss having walks
that involve adventure
and the joy of unpredictable event

because when i absorb less,
then drudgery is all that awaits

why do you go on vacations?
see, you all are crazy to an extent
and what the whole thing is about
a different view
a different reality from one
that has become commonplace
a life that has unlimited possibility
some kind of deliverance

rather than cages
hindering actual choices

the world is bigger
than anything you can imagine
and i feel fortunate
to be allowed to venture into
greater realms
right outside my door….

at least for a time

i am the odd duck out
even among crazy people
because i can “see” my insanity
as it happens
i can remember events
even when those mistreating one
in a hospital
count on the assumption that
i will not remember
i don’t hallucinate
or rather if i do i can easily
discern when that happens and quantify
the degree
i treat them as spiritual
or perhaps a crossing of dimensions,
and can count on one hand the number
of times….. though admit i only experience
fear with that

it is like a window
into alternate timelines
and all of them have been worse
believe it or not
this is the best of all possible worlds

am trying to understand
why being in a state of more freedom
is such a crime to society
am trying to determine
how or why i get fed up
and TAKE the freedom
in giant breaths
rather than waiting for it to trickle
in just enough to
sustain life

am trying to understand
how the need of the self
to be important
becomes such an unbearable burden

but i do feel fortunate
that am not limited
by the reality created by my fellows
that i can see things differently

in those times when i’m crazy
i can see it all
and most of what i see
is the grace of existence
of god, of life

i walk in other shoes
but the shoes have nothing to do
with the integrity
of my own feet

to find other paths
and smile real smiles
in otherwords don’t feel sorry for me
because you have decided i’m mentally ill
because it is not my problem
it is everyone’s problem
when society doesn’t give enough freedom
to its members

there is a reason why i sometimes
have to break loose
it is nothing to pity
far from it

it is me saying that i need a vacation
from the cloying demands
of a suspicious people
it is me saying that at least for today
i will not be a tool of
this giant machine

i will be the odd one out
deciding that if i can’t save others
for the now
for right now
i will save myself



3 Replies to “if you want to understand a mentally ill loved one”

  1. Perception shift can be a welcomed change. It only matters if it’s “crazy” in regards to the question of if society is going to harm you because of it? Otherwise, I say enjoy every second of it. You DO need good, solid sleep, and I am glad that you’ve found a “work-around” for it, even if it’s only temporary. Lack of good sleep is proven to hurt both body and mind, and that is a medical fact. Honestly, E, I wish you were able to focus your energy on those things that free you more often. I think that kind of freedom is necessary in life to remind us that we’re alive.

    1. i think so, too. not sure why i feel so unable to stretch outside of the norm, though do know that the worst fate i can imagine is to be laughed at….. some part of childhood or embarrassment hanging on. when i really enjoy being creative in every day approaches to life, and agree that it’s part of a freedom that makes each day worthwhile.

  2. strangely enough, the biggest problem with a hypomanic state will be the amount of spending — money seems to go REALLY fast. they even log it as a symptom, but i think it is a result of the freedom and less looking to the future and consequences. the temptation of instant gratification. but then you come back into ‘sanity’ and go golly gee i will have to tighten the belt for the rest of the month. so i wish i could avoid that part of it…..though is better now than has been in the past.

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