ring the bells loud and clear

i need peace
if were the man who just wanted to read
the famous twilightzone episode
would not worry on broken glasses…would just go scouting
around the city to find a replacement pair
make some out of coke bottles
raid the corner walgreens …

i don’t know how to describe ‘insanity’
except that part of GOING insane
has always been having to stick up for myself
fight with others
the panic that brings
to go against something
someone

when a teenager
as my grandma and sister tore at each other
i would dive farther and farther into my books
get away somehow
find a way to remove my mind when my body was stuck

this morning good old ‘stomp’ is quiet
not home
and i’m hoping he is dead
or in jail … hoping he is GONE
at least for awhile
and that is terrible of me
but it has been a sore trial this month
unbelievable
where it would drive the most sane person on the planet
mad with aggravation

i couldn’t sleep with all the noise
and finally i couldn’t eat
continual headache and gut wrenched up
in a ball…

fact is we effect those around us

part of ME
of my underlying ‘faith’
is to be courteous
to be a courteous person

granted — often those who are courteous
just get more angst thrown at them
it doesn’t always pay to be nice all the time

easy to say it was nothing
when i finally get some peace
when i finally don’t get jerked awake
after being kept awake half the night

most people don’t understand
if i wasn’t having to be taking this
someone else would
if i move, someone else will be here
and get driven even more nuts
that’s how it works

those who are not courteous
don’t stop that when you walk away
they just find another victim

but seeing yourself
BEING a victim is a terrible way to exist

sullen helplessness
that’s what it amounts-to

so no headache
and calm
i even took the weekend off from church
need the time and space to myself

funny thing is others believe that is no answer
that one must interact and remain part
of things

but i don’t twiddle my thumbs and think on the terrible
if given some peace
i will paint or draw or read or
breathe the air and simply relish the lack
of headache

oh, part of me just thinks or goes…tomorrow
tomorrow stomp will be back
and the torture will start all over again
only a tease
some peace and no pain is only a tease

but that’s ok because it gives me the space
the time to evaluate that it isn’t me

i’m not the one driving me crazy
so very close to the edge that i can see
every past nut-ville trip like it were a 3d movie

so close that the memories themselves
make me want to cave in to despair

so you know what?
i just won’t accept fighting any more
maybe i’ll carry around a whistle and start
blowing it when anyone starts to bicker
lol … well it’s a thought

life is too short
you know they say “you only have yourself to blame”
but i think the bigger problem with those driven to the edge
is that they blame only themselves
only think about what they could have done
to not fall prey to the anxiety, the insanity

but a lot of it truly is others
a lot of it is the degree of animosity
that reaches in and twists your heart until
you can’t see your own reflection in the world
around you

well
this isn’t really a poem
this is me talking outloud
sorting things out

everyone have a wonderful easter
i know this will be the best day i have
had in MONTHS

because it is quiet
and i can sit and enjoy some peace
i can paint or draw
write — look to talking to god
on normal things
rather than constantly begging God
for relief

it’s one way to go
well, it’s the better way to go

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