stasis of the pickled goat

look
when i have to deal with pain for too long
it changes me

i become less bright
but since less means faster
others will think
smarter

when nobody knows how i listen
HOW i listen
process
conclude
eventually pain takes that
and i operate on the level
of everyone else…

even fit in
which i find humerus
ironic

when it is said, “i know when you are not doing well
you get smarter…”

and i smile inside
too hard to explain that no … i get dumber

just looks smarter
because am down to your level

oh that sounds terrible!
but is the truth
you don’t always speak your mind
when your mind is so MUCH

i do wonder if there is such a thing as peace
without anxiety before and after

but i think yes

it isn’t a measure
it’s a state
stasis

if you get that — if can quantify that not everything
is one thing or the other …

then life opens up
then the peas on your plate have different diameters
people have differing smiles
and judgment is not either poor or good
not correct or wrong

it just is
and blunders are part of training yourself
to handle more

circles are a laugh
to return to

it’s not that way
sorry to tell to say to break but
the earth is magnetized

your soul is not

i was ok going off on my own
picking all the seeds from all the dandelions
putting them in a ball
and watching if the wind could scatter them
at all

i was ok with that
rather than playing hopscotch
(the sidewalk monopoly)
or being part of screaming kids

i sat and concluded
but i didn’t GIVE a conclusion

i didn’t make it something to tell you
i made it something to tell me

when pain is too much too long
that tell me stops
goes into a tail-spin
i can’t hear the world

all becomes one long scream
but what you see on the outside
is sudden competence
ability … that means i am less
and begging God for mercy

to not make me a part of this collective
this aching incorrect thing
no offense — just are — so much taught
wrong(ly)

the strange thing is
nobody understands
strange isn’t real

if people bother to ask
i let them know
but most don’t ask
most follow the rule of not asking people
things
unless it is how are the kids?
what are you doing for a job now, you worthless bum?
you know
questions that are NOT asking
that are interrogations
fill in the blanks

see i know the difference
and still
i can’t refute that this is the best of all possible worlds

but yea
when i hurt
i’m more like you

2011-06-18_16-55-10_812

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