silent forbearance

what did i eat
i have a feeling it had nothing to do with food
have barked up that tree
long enough
yet the first thing
that comes to mind or first
so many factors in lives
hemmed with ritual
where does the pain come from?
why is it here?

when i was first dating my husband
when he got the flu
he accused me of poisoning him
what dismayed me was not
shouldering an accusation
what dismayed me was that he
could be that stupid

blame only the seen
the tangible
lash out in gigantic errors
failing to perceive
the more complex chains of causality

it is a nerve issue
i know this
every input magnified
stuck on loud and louder
not like the commercial
that shows haphazard firing, though
more like very deliberated shots

a pinched nerve
all it is and i must determine
how to keep things
in better shape

can’t spend one’s life in the bathtub
asking God to just kill you already

means so many things
the amount of pressure put on something
before it breaks

i used to have a coffee mug
said on it
” there is nothing you and God can’t handle
together ”
it fell from the bathtub and shattered
one day

the problem was that the mug was a gift
if i had bought it myself
wouldn’t have cared
not a lick

but i shouldered the guilt….
every time i thought of the poor thing
kept the pieces for a long time
kept the pieces and looked at them
when i wanted to understand
get some inkling
some why….

God didn’t say a thing

and eventually i threw the mug-pieces away
carried a sigh that could only mean
” maybe yes, maybe no”


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