pain is an observation

of course everybody thinks they have a high tolerance for pain. the only time i ever screamed from pain was when they induced labor for my son to be born. the only time i cried from pain, was when i broke my wrist, and when i cracked my head open and when i sprained my knee.

those are physical, so not counting “emotional pain.” i have yelled when i’ve been angry. and i have cried when i’ve been angry or sad. hopeless weeping? not so much. hope is always there if you look hard enough.

but i think when it comes to physical pain, there is a tolerance you either have or you don’t. and part of that is probably in how a child is raised. if indulged and coddled when hurt at all, then there might be a greater inclination to indulge yourself in tears over a lifetime. some people live on sympathy. some would rather carry the weight of the world than shoulder any pity given by others.

this last week i screamed a profanity when hot coffee hit my bad tooth, and my eyes leaked despite not crying. but i concentrated on making it better, rather than moaning over my bad luck. i worked… did what was necessary to get things to a more even level.

today i labeled my two laptops — “work” and “play.” but they looked a little … stark. and i had letters left. so i put on one,

play sane

and on the other, i put

work crazy

and that’s kind of how i see life. play is the time to center into a form of sanity – to maintain that aspect that can go the longer distance. and work is that problem-solving that can be a little crazy just to accomplish a goal. play sane, work crazy. so much of the time it’s the other way around and life goes off-balance. those who work too by-the-book will become stoic and bitter. those who play by risking their lives or health seem to never be satisfied and always looking for that next thrill.

i don’t cry very often. and one of the reasons i love living alone, is that my home is a yell-free zone. people will fight with each other, and married people especially. seems like such a waste of time. and funny thing is that i haven’t known a single couple that doesn’t. families, too. one of the nicer things about growing up and moving away, is since you don’t live together anymore, the yelling at each other pretty much stops.

then you finally realize you can be friends.

i like peace. i LOVE peace. to the extent that for most pain, i will frown a bit and take deep breaths. it doesn’t have to be all drama and production. play sane — work crazy.

give that little extra effort for a reality that makes tomorrow worthwhile. life is intriguing because of the differences. pain is only monstrous because other pain was not. these are our understandings. but there is no scale. no tit for tat. all conceptualizations that hold very little reality.

truth is there are just some of us that will keep going no matter what. no matter how much pain, or illness, or back-breaking sorrow. we keep on going because we know what the alternative is. if you give up, you’ll just keep giving up. quitting is easy.

but being in there for the long haul, is a type of play sane/work crazy life. you know i always laughed when a doctor or ER tech would ask me how big the pain is on a scale of one to ten. i usually ask THEM, “well what was your worst pain ever?”

because how can there be an understanding with just a scale and no foundation? and how can there be assistance when there’s no empathy? live….laugh….work….play. a part of life and day to day complexities. sanity and crazy are a scale with a fluctuating comparison and no set calibration. what is sane today, might be considered crazy tomorrow.

it’s all this dance and weave of correctness. and the funny thing is that not much in life is perfect. and even perfect isn’t always correct. you can play crazy and work sane. the funny thing about that is posing it as opposites to make a decision.

which fork in the road are you going to take? people will always move AWAY from pain. always. and that makes human beings predictable. which is the opposite of crazy. which is the opposite of sane. which is the opposite of happy.

i like to think the goal is NOT happiness. that the goal is learning and understanding more, to not stagnate. there are lots of things that make me smile. but THINKING about life, wondering about how something works…. deciding how a function fits into a scheme. to me, that is a fulfillment. i suppose, a type of order that gives me some comfort.

almost everything we see was fashioned so we could see them that way. collective conclusions, designated actions. it has gone well beyond marching to the same tune in today’s current society. there is so much fear for anything that doesn’t.

but you can’t imagine the joy, to just break free from that a bit. it’s why people hate crazy people, because they are jealous. and it’s why people love sane people, because it mimics an understanding.

it’s why physical pain has to have a reason, an explanation and point of cause to the effect. we are such simple creatures.

very easy to say …. you know what? i think there is NOT more mental illness now than a century ago, i think that society has become less tolerant for creative ways of thinking and being. i think we are a bunch of dang stick in the muds and need to say “live and let live” a little more.

of course, i’m in Utah — haha! i imagine california is pretty much the way i left it. some day the world will understand that it’s not about how fast or how far or how true. it’s about taking this moment, and knowing it’s tied to the next. so it’s not work and play — it’s just life. and crazy or sane just means in or out.

people that notice the building blocks can only make changes from the inside. so everybody thinks they themselves have a high tolerance for pain. it’s just something i’ve noticed–even if a pain tolerance is low a person will believe it is high. that’s because everybody knows how many times they didn’t cry or didn’t scream. and that number only goes up.

it’s not that human beings are strange. it’s that everybody knows those points where it was more important to pretend strength even if you’re very far from strong. sometimes i’d rather be hated than be seen as a person who is unaware.

work is something you hate, and play is something you love. that’s all, and it’s then played by those buying your time with credits that you then use to buy stuff that keeps you alive. someday i’ll explain to you why the whole system was applied incorrectly. today is just a nice day to sit and type. work, or play? it’s definitely crazy … so i guess that means it’s work. 🙂 but i enjoyed every moment, at the cost of the reader who plowed through it. so that would make it play.

maybe some things are not one or the other. and not even door number 3. what is beauty?

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