Start of a new year, and I’m kind of evaluating my life, which always sucks. Not the life, but the evaluating always tends to get me in trouble. Part of me has always thought, that if I just find a good habit to follow–like meditating in a corner every Tuesday–then all the rest of existence will fall into place and I will be a content and happy human creature.
Thing is, I know from experience, that there is a high chance that any “new” practice, ritual, or endeavor, will be abandoned within the first 2 weeks. How long have I ever been on a diet? Two weeks. How long did going to the gym every day last? Two weeks. At this point, I feel it behooves me to skip the effort part, and go straight to the two weeks later. Where fundamentally I’m back at square one, with one more notch on the bedpost for failed attempts at becoming a better person.
Those build up, and you get to the point where you have to wonder what it means “to just be you.” Logically, I know there is no such thing. We are the creations of our environment, and pick up all kinds of fun habits that may or may not be included in Ms. Manners book for wayward children.
A human personality is a conglomeration of past and present, with very little of anything original at play. It might be an interesting mix, because your mom was an actress and your dad was a coal miner. But there isn’t anything original there. Which only means that to say “just be you” is an arrogant and kind of thoughtless proposition. Me is many things. Me always has lots of room for improvement.
So it’s a new year, and I’m wondering if I should try something monumental. Something that will turn my life around, and make everything feel ‘perfect.’ Great expectations. Shoot for the moon, and might at least hit Toledo. It always comes down to “what do you want?” And I have been afraid to answer that question my entire life.
I do want to be a better person. Maybe that only means finding a way to be better-liked. Which I just say bugger to that. Who needs to be liked? I’d rather be obeyed — haha! Or maybe I’d rather be always at peace. Though of course no such thing as “peace” exists within the soul without its dichotomy of angst and torment. And I don’t want to be ‘neutral.’ Might as well invest in stock for drool cups.
So what did I do, to make life ‘better’ for a new year? Something that I probably won’t abandon in two weeks — I went out and bought a new shade of lipstick. Now how’s that for micro-managing ambition?