closed eyes deep breath

closing my eyes
taking a deep breath
knowing now that my numb toes
are not from diabetes
a strange thing
to be wishing you had diabetes
but no
and I’m left with fewer reasons
i have to understand that
it could be MS

take a deep breath
close eyes
fight for balance
away from the fear….
of what?
i would laugh at myself
if my mind wasn’t caught in despair
dejection
oh it’s funny in a way
all those used to excluding me
dismissing
as mentally ill
will have to change their classifications
it is not a mystery of uncontrollable behavior
it is nerve degeneration
and don’t you feel silly
for counting me as terrible
when really a victim
of an illness that is attacking my ability to think
that has been attacking….

eh
MS or bipolar, what does it matter?
i have always been here
despite what I’m called
always on the inside
knowing that a child is better seen
and not heard

i suppose the worst thought
is that MS can cause blindness
an artist with no sight
is no artist
and i try to smile
as my lips quiver and the years flow
through memory and beyond

oh it’s not dramatics
it’s just i take a deep breath
close my eyes
remember that it is only quackdom
all quacks
i have pronounced so myself many times
the blind and deaf
leading the blind and numb

slap a name on symptoms and call it understood
namers
professional namers
solutions categorized
poppycock and hogwash
i still have to make my coffee
in order to sit with a cup
cigarette raised to my lips
by a shaking hand

just breathe
they know nothing
idiots on the monkey ladders
what do i know?
i know that every moment i hold myself to
a different standard
i no that you are not me
and that i have never been you

deep breath
close eyes
snuffle
i don’t want to go this path
first scorn for mentally ill
now pity for degenerating nerves
i would complain to god
but I’ve been my own all along

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