miscellaneous pain

she asked,
“why doesn’t God let me die?
why do i have to hurt like this?”
i had no answer
except “i don’t know”
as i held her hand
hurting with her
and knowing this was not a fit end

not for someone
regal
directive
the person who guided
my own life
not by telling
but by listening
to what i wanted or
knowing what could be
done to reach a
goal? a dream? or maybe
she just yearned to be proud
of the most ‘wayward’ progeny
but thing is this person
lying in the bed hoping to die
was the one that gave me understanding
of what unconditional love meant
and it’s not something she was
it’s something she achieved by a big heart
settled deep within all the disapproval
all the disappointment
that would just let me be…. with a
heavy sigh, of course

i never knew what to be
but she taught me who to be
so i squeezed her hand
put my hand on her forehead
and said “i love you.”
she said, “i know.”
with a smile that was touched
by a modicum of forced pride

see, i knew she was proud all along
not for anything done
but for the willingness to explore
and share my adventures with her…
all those years
talking on the phone
can hear her rattling the paper
in that way she had
going over events
charting the world in a meticulous way
seeing few flaws
when i saw many….

to let things be
sometimes i wish i had stayed
by her bedside
right up to the very end

but i didn’t want that part of her
that always worried
to stick around just for me
just as that shelter she knew i found
within the unconditional love

so the one who loved her best,
left.

and i did so for many reasons
but mostly so that i could remember
i was only helpless

for a time? helpless to not
have a better answer
but i think i did… “you don’t deserve this
i would give you the world, if i could
but even if not
you will be in heaven
i’ll talk to God myself and make sure
because i’m the one that knows
that every decision was a hard decision

i’m that one that knows
you counted and made an impact
for the better
because i noted exactly how much
and i see the ripples, still”

i would say
“i know you hurt,
and i’m so sorry i can’t take this last hurt
from you.”
it has beaten you…. no
not her because she still worried
more on me than on what she found wrong
a wry smile

sometimes you know you will never surpass a parent
and that’s ok
greatness is a thing that comes infrequently
to the genetic tree
so we had one and i am proud
to have known her
i am proud that she never doubted
that God was there

waiting to take her home

just took His time
and i hold that last pain of hers
like a cushioned ball inside myself
i hold it

and say no, it was not deserved
and she would always say to me, “i would give you the world,
if i could.”

and to my surprise, she did

roma-v-cummings-and-eebrinker

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