don’t mess with me

let me explain what it means to have your sanity shaken

every past hospital experience
comes back to haunt you
in a miasma of fear
looking over your shoulder

you question every response
to your words or actions
and because you are questioning every response
others look at you oddly and treat you differently
reinforcing the idea that you are “not right”

you curtail any joy and expression
cowering in fear that it be interpreted
as part of “an illness”
you find yourself looking at everyone
even loved ones
with suspicion and trepidation

oh and it’s not you, it’s me!
to have sanity shaken is no little thing
i’m saying that is what
South Valley Mental Health did to me
because i am put in a position
of my word against theirs

and i know my word counts for nothing
because everyone assumes
if you’re crazy it means you’re a liar
and an axe murderer
and a bomber
and not to be trusted…..no!

i cower in fear and do as little as possible
memories hitting me like
eggs splattering on a window
covered in yolk
i face the world and say yes
sure

it’s all my fault and i’m nuts and
you get to do what you want to me and abuse me
and mess with me and make me HURT
you get to take away my freedom with no due process
you get to treat me as scum
less down than the lowest criminal
even though i live my life by truth
even though i live my life by law
even though

i am kind….

oh it’s no small thing
when you start worrying that the white coats
are right on the other side of the door….

it makes you fall into a pit
where every single bit of problem
dumps at your feet and you can’t function
can’t sleep can’t think can’t smile….

fear of your fellow man
fear that all they want from you

is to see your pain

…and laugh

so it’s not “therapy” for me
to go in to speak with someone
who is convinced i’m so inferior to themselves
who threaten me with coming to my home
with a “crisis” team that will lock me up
just because i have a Tigger stuffed animal
sitting next to an angel statue
just because i have dishes in the sink
or if my bed isn’t made … it is no
small thing for them to threaten me

with taking away medication
because i won’t submit to therapy
with threatening me
to have to come in every two weeks
like into a parole office
to threaten me
with all of this

because it is the fear
the insecurity
that drives me into their arms

to be abused
and laughed at
and messed with

i keep thinking eventually
they will leave a poor old woman alone

eventually
they will tire of frightening me
driving me insane from all the past
times i was tied down and drugged
and sexually assaulted and left

abandoned!
by ALL family and friends

because of….?
that was “a hospital”
that was “doctors”
you are in GOOD HANDS….

oh, right, sure …. trust me

far from good

very, very far

i am afraid
please don’t hurt me more

african-proverb

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4 Replies to “don’t mess with me”

  1. I’m so very sorry that you had to go through any of that. No one deserves that. Please don’t let your past dictate your future, E. You are so much better than that. Yes, there are triggers, yes it’s a pain in the ass to have to jump through their hoops – the end result is that you get meds, though, so you are getting what you need. Just play their stupid game and get what you need. I know it’s not as satisfying as telling them what they can do with said meds, but remember that YOU make your own future, not them or their opinions of you.

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