i said “to be a good christian” (finished version)

let’s examine the psych profiles of therapists
first there are ones like the one i met today
digging for dirt so they can go home
and talk and laugh about their patients
you can identify them by the questions they ask,
but not just what they ask, but how they ask
like dogs drooling for a meal.

this type makes me particularly sick
and indicates a serious pathology
that no amount of training will alleviate

i have been known to bate them
just to see how deeply they drool

then there are the yes men
those who simply repeat what you say
and then write furiously
as they record what you reveal
basically harmless
but does feel like an extreme waste of time
since you might as well be trying
to get advice from a mirror

then there is the seasoned therapist,
who listens and offers
proactive advice…. those are hard to find

there is the type that
studies you like you are a curiosity
in a cage….. that truly believe
that they are exempt from life
or problems since they have
a profession listening to problems

it is such a strong delusion
that no matter how long you speak with them,
they will believe they are superior and
are to have their ring kissed and their
arse l*cked

just think about it as the worst boss you ever had
but then picture having to listen to that boss
ask you if you are suicidal
and then see them salivating waiting
for a juicy answer

there is the type of therapist
that ignores you
that has other things on their mind
and just sort of nod

there is the type that
smiles too much
there is the type that
frowns too much

some are hippies with long hair
tied in a pony tail
and insist that your parents
are to blame for everything

some are built like lifeguards
burning skin and out of place
in an office

some have super short hair
and bossy as can be
some have glasses
and rub their foreheads a lot

through all of these
i have just been me….. i try to make them laugh
i try to see why they decided
to be a therapist

i evaluate them as much or more
than they evaluate me

this visit?

well first, she had the two chairs available
with no indication which is the one for the patient

so i just took the one nearest the door
i’m sure that meant that
i was potty trained far too early

i sat and listened to questions
like do you do drugs?
are you suicidal?
do you drink?
what is your life goal?

i said “to be a good christian”

her head sort of went back in surprise
she smacked and licked her lips

then said i would only have to see her
once a quarter
it’s like a bad pitch from verizon
this will ONLY
cost you $20 more a month!

each appointment costs ME
at least three hours out of my day
as well as $5 for bus fare

if my time were modestly valued
at $10/hour
that would be $120 plus $20 bus
extra per year

so i can what again?
oh yea, spill my guts to
a person so low on brains that
i just feel sorry for her.

i don’t want to be forced
to meet with someone
to feel sorry for them.

see, they are saying it is policy
and i’m saying it is extortion

i just need my pills and
leave me alone
i don’t want to be the subject
of your conversations at bars after work

i know your type
i really do

and i don’t have time to train you
to be a good therapist
i just don’t

i am done with the lot,
and what you place on others
is not my responsibility

it is not
not my fault

if you make therapy
a requirement
to see a doctor for meds…

i will do without the lot of you
and you can all deal with
my family’s joy about that

i am too old to
have some snot nosed kid
take an attitude on me
with little to no respect
and very little in the way
of actual humanitarian motives

i cannot train yet another
especially when this raw

a baby……

who decided i can be forced
into therapy?

you can’t force it
make a person talk?
you just force them to waste their time…

so they are too big of idiots
and they can threaten me all they like

i will report on them right here,
in my blog
every time….

and we can laugh
i can be the one to pick them apart

because i am tired
i am just too damn tired

i asked her,
” do i have your permission to get my meds now? ”
she looked sort of stricken,
like only just then realizing
the extent of absurdity

these “mental health” joints
have more turn over than the local mcdonalds
…. and then the appointment
desk…. more smirky 20 year olds…
tell me they will have to call with an appointment
someone next week.
that they are waiting for a new med doctor

and what else can i say?
” ok, i’ll wait for a call ”

and shrug my shoulders
walk out thinking i wasted
$5 bus and 3 hours for this?

and i know
i know i shouldn’t let it drive me crazy
but i hate nothing more
than people who figure
they have you pinned

they are the children
who never got over pulling wings off butterflies…

and i have no wings left



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