the bigger crazy

day five without pain
i don’t seem to be able to go into a deep
sleep anymore
partly i fear a deep sleep
fear leaving the back
too long in the same
wrong position
and partly don’t know how
to go into a deep sleep
when not prompted
to do so to escape
and partly i fear
waking up in a different
dimension where the pain is
back in force

i know how crazy that is!
last night debated whether
to increase meds!  and
that is no small thing
decided to leave that as is
but without deep sleep
my perceptual process will change
it leaves more open
to the senses
can create a type of overload
based on volume alone
a complete shutdown at night
is the same as shutting down
a computer
you are then not running
the same processes the next day
normally i sleep at least
6 hours of full unconsciousness
normally i sleep like the dead

normally i don’t wake up every hour
and roll over to go back to sleep
and normally
if i don’t sleep like the dead
i go crazy

the last time i went crazy
it was from MORE pain
caused by one sprained ankle
one dislocated foot
and the toes going numb
which could indicated the back went from
bulging discs to herniated discs
…yet now it is fixed?
an impossibility
so you see my plight

it means instead
that i have ms or diabetes
but i don’t worry about that
as much as you would think
for now
i simply worry about
getting the right kind of sleep

and i worry about Trump running for president
dawned on me this morning how abnormal that is….

a strange world, indeed


2 Replies to “the bigger crazy”

  1. thank you and am so glad you get to be without pain now. trying to adjust is a very strange thing. it IS like winning a prize and i know i’m going around with this big goofy smile on my face….. but i can’t help it! to be able to stand on both feet with no pain running up the back, i still can’t believe it. and is difficult for others to grasp the extent, because i did not constantly complain about my back.

    1. I can truly relate! You wake and reassess everything… “This is when my head starts throbbing and I feel the vertigo-type nausea” but I haven’t (Day 3) and I just laid there for nearly an hour just to make sure.

      It’s usually when I got to my feet that my brain would suddenly goes SWOOSH SWOOSH SWOOSH~~~

      Yes! it’s soooooooo nice to feel good!

      I hope yours maintains as well!

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