for the better need

memory is betraying me
short term madness
yet i don’t worry
and i don’t know how to explain why i don’t worry
it’s about being practical
seeing a little bit beyond my own
grand image of what i was supposed to be
be be be be be be be
goals that never fit me quite right
statues
the impressive model for a role…
was always about planning to not measure up
yet not so much about shooting the foot
as it was about measuring the holes

i was curious long before schoolhood whys were drilled into
the neverending battle for comprehension….

before it was sad to play all by myself
collecting dandelion seeds
or walking from school and picking honeysuckle

i was me, then
as much as i am me, now
what makes that different is that i cry
when i think of all that being me
over all this time….

it’s like a rock in my chest
so i fight around that and take another breath
my throat closes and i can’t stop crying

i don’t think it’s because i want to be a kid again
part of it is losing that childhood
tragedy
but then i wipe the tears and sigh

my eye’s mind turns back to looking forward again
and i know who i am

i know what i was supposed to be and never did any of it
and what i’ve done that nobody thought could ever be accomplished

and i was better then, but i’m better now
if you asked me what i fear the most
i’d say i fear this world
the gears turning
people everywhere following their lines
yet mine are simple and always the same path

some of us hang on to the self of each past
the stages in growth are all a single thing
yet it’s different
than not ever growing up

more like you were always grown up
like memories are stored to always fit where you’re at

i don’t worry too much
on sadness and how it’s hard not to be lonely
(i like being practical because hands-on bursts
with so much delight of knowing)
it becomes wider portrayals of how everyone is seen
alone is assumed to be hopeless
dancing with despair ….and
i suppose smiling to myself IS kind of a waste…

but not so much
i always managed to find myself staring back

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