within the cusp

iris moon décor
at the coast gala
marvy crazed umpire
dopes gamy lute
jimply mote
laces moister mattes
sound blip fades emir
beige oaks
swig loanable gold
demos rent jets
pin revokes marque
gyms sway fats
modern rafters
elicit plower harm
soul hoofs lion value

from the scrabble games this week …
a motley join
it was not the worst accident
but the worst time
i was on my way to dance
on the husband’s grave…
no, literally
had the boombox
the song picked out
had an idea on how to get to the graveyard
but driving distracted
it happens
didn’t notice exactly how bad the driver
behind was
noticed he was tailing me for miles
right on my bumper
i realized that had missed a turn
so there was a three-way intersection
with a turn lane that went into
the field
i wasn’t going to do that so pulled
into turn lane to make the
U-turn

as i went into the u-turn
the one tailgating
went into the oncoming lane
flew into the front of my vehicle
spinning it around and totally
crushing the front end

why wasn’t he passing on the right?
(i always use turn signals)
good question
couldn’t say
his large truck
only received a small dent on the fender
my bmw was effectively killed

an illegal Mexican with no insurance
when the county police got there
started chatting with the other driver
in Spanish
so i didn’t know what they said

AND even though i explained how the
accident happened
the officer wrote it up incorrectly
citing me as the one at fault

now i didn’t fight it because i was dealing
with having no car
and in talking with my own insurance agent
decided the stress was not worth
it

maybe that was a mistake
though i noticed in the formal report
that the uninsured illegal
was required to show up in court
for having no insurance

so felt a little justice happened

something rang a bell
maybe talked about both the back
and the car accident in the same conversation
and though i believed my back injury
from the heavy couch
that you said it was probably the accident

i think i remember that
got a bit of
memory flash on that

thing is i don’t know
just woke up one day and could not move
had to crawl around the apartment
for a few days
and when finally got to where could
walk again
went and had an MRI

three discs
bulging
in the lumbar region
one really bad
the other two not so bad
on this one i got
the official computer printout
with the exact amount of bulge
my trust of doctors is famously nada nichts
though i’m sorry
but the “physical therapy”
really was a joke
as in beyond the useless to
where they might have injured it more
so i only went for little over a month

decided for the amount of money they were getting
that it was insane how little they put into their craft

for about two years
the back was going out periodically
where i was crawling around the apartment again
so that was all around 2005-7

but then i devised my own method
of chiropraction
where adjust my own back to make it functional

and no longer suffered from
the debilitating pain where i could not walk at all

yet now with recent problems
the foot neuropathy
and stabbing pains in left hip
i am wondering if i did more harm than good
by forcing the spinal bones back into place
it’s all a give and take

so trying a new approach
that involves traction on the spine
hoping to perhaps promote some healing
to those discs
so far
it’s just making the hip pain more frequent

but that might not be a bad indicator

will see

i have heard from church members
that newer techniques for back surgery
can be very successful
that they are not just fusing the bones
now

i still cringe at the expense
not to me for i have insurance
but it still takes money from elsewhere

and there is the risk of any surgery
there is also the fact that the medical community
at large
has not done me any favors over the years

so ….for now will see
but i’m relatively sure that
do NOT have MS like i suspected
since 2 years now and the numbing of toes
has not progressed up the foot
into the legs

diabetes is not a possibility
since one, blood sugar tests fine
and two, i have what is an over-production
of insulin
where if have too many sweets
it gives me a raging headache
the next day

so all in all
i should manage
it’s just that i did not count
on the degree of walking to the store
after moving to this new location
and how that would effect
my back to where i can’t
keep it in a non-pain state

we have discussed a bicycle
or other types of carts to carry groceries
but i have found it is the length of walking itself
even if i carry next to no groceries
still leaves me in agony next day
the roads here have no bicycle lanes
but they do have those giant thorns
to where repairing tires would be a constant thing

that’s about it
is actually nice to not be afraid of MS
at this point

i have also decided to move more slowly
that is both good, and bad
overall the constant pain is a little less
but it is the rule of motion
that what starts in motion stays in motion
the extra power i always put in my walk
would create a type of barrier
or block

yet that also is interesting regarding how
one is viewed by others
since i am a “larger” person
fast mobility on my part
creates degrees of uneasiness in others
that is interesting but when
walking home the other day
a very large man passed me
with the same sort of forward motion
i normally employ

and i could see where others
might view that as intimidating
or something out of the ordinary

also have thought on how
i have worked always at a top speed
to get the job done and save on time
and how “lackadaisical” has never been much
a part of how i go about things …

so that’s going to change
and even at church last sunday
pastor asked “you are moving slowly?!
everything ok?”

most people would have slowed down at the start
i guess i just did what i could to manage

is now a wait and see
and don’t think this is karmic
reprisal for wanting to
dance on someone’s grave …

he really deserved it

and i deserved the feeling of
overcoming a person who harmed my life

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