tar pits and wails

wanting to examine jealousy
trouble understanding
so it’s one of those things that if you
prod at it
it gets all over you
so when feel a flood of illogical hatred
for a smiling tennis pro
it’s time to drop the examination

obviously feeds on itself
ie: the more you indulge in jealousy
the more it grows

it takes energy
the drain is insidious
and the jealousy is the sort akin to envy
it is just the type of envy that leads to hate

so i realized these one feelings toward another person might be jealousy
don’t laugh!
i just usually don’t label factors in my emotional life
so i was like ok i have wanted to understand
mainly because i have heard “they don’t like you because they are jealous”

and if it was based on me
then my actions or course should work to avert
being the focus of jealousy

but…if jealousy indeed feeds on itself
then it is feeling jealous of many others
that would then lead someone to more easily
be jealous of me

so, is not something one can avert by a change in reaction
such as effusive humility
jealousy is like a nuclear reaction
where you can cool things
but will not stop that reaction
because its roots are elsewhere

that confuses even me, but
jealousy is also the word
for the emotion of hanging onto love
the desperation leading to hatred of someone
who is loved or liked by the person
you want to love or like you

i have a lot of experience
with that type of jealousy
someone thinner was always loved more
i never experienced full dedication
love was always conditional
on how much i could do for the male mate
yet they seemed capable of thoughtless worship
of thinner or more powerful women

but i didn’t necessarily hate those women
generally observed it as a flaw in the male
so that kind of jealousy is more like hurt

both types could be seen as a type of envy
but i think it’s all about plans
not getting what you want to be
the dream you have of yourself
the dream of who you are
verses the reality of who you are
reflected within the reactions of others

so it’s kind of like
trying to balance on a ball like a circus bear
while that ball is rolling on a rocking boat

the chances for equilibrium are pretty slim

i think it’s better to love everyone
whether that’s seen as loving all God’s children
or seen as a sense of humility for the self

but a certain understanding
that goes beyond your own needs

life is too short…
best laid plans of mice and men
….well they’re incomplete

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