lines of pixels

i spent a large part of my life not talking
because i’m slow
not stupid — or generally not
but slow
it takes me time to formulate response
and by that time people are talking
about something else

so what blogging has meant to me
is that i get time to formulate
the words
don’t have to worry so much about quick-come-backs
qcb’s were a big thing while i was growing up
everybody had them on TV
the sharp observation or witty barb
think fast or you must not be thinking …

but i’m slow
takes me time to process
not time to read or get things
time to respond

i don’t know why
and is not a large amount of time
just enough to make conversation
a little difficult

for important things i have to prep ahead
think about what i will say
what they will say
what i will respond and so forth
not a lot of freedom for the other person
i take the lead

but i don’t know how to not be me
it didn’t matter that my husband would whisper angrily
when we danced “let me lead!”
it was not that i didn’t want that
it was that i could not
i could anticipate his move and try to match it
but i don’t let go of myself
not very womanly but who i am
even when getting a manicure
used to infuriate the manicurist
would tell me to let go of the finger
so she could move it
but basically had to fight that
just to do her job

and i don’t know how to not be slow
yet in this day and age now i can type
on a blog
or type in a texting conversation
and i get that time i need
to think a bit first

so the blogging really opens up a world for me
where otherwise i sit silent
not part of the discussion

it was the same for school in all
the testing it was always the time
on the timed tests i would not be able
to finish
but what questions i did finish
i got right

it’s not that i think everyone should be like that
but how my mind works
anyway that is why i think blogging has helped

has helped others
friends and family to see that
i do have a functioning brain and compute

i’m just slow
and socially awkward
most of the time … have my moments
where i can kick it into “high gear”
but then can take me days to recover

why i like to have notice if there is a function
have to prepare myself to deal
with the immediacy of thought and i know
i smile at the wrong times or frown at the wrong times
that it is all on my time
not on the group …. so if i do have
“mental illness”
it’s just that i’m slow

kind of wish would just call me slow
and let it be

but we consider slow a part of stupid
yet some of the brightest minds
are not busy demonstrating their brightness….

i love that with online-life and computers
i get to be me and still have forms of respect

that has meant a lot to my life
so can hold my head high elsewhere
not feel like something less

if i could “god bless the internet”
i would…. there is a part of me
that knows i have been saved



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