and pulls out a plum

i don’t necessarily feel gratified
when finishing

anything

will it be good enough?
what should have been done differently?
was it a waste of time

…am I a waste of time?
so many things not finished
my grandmother named stubbornness
of this sort, procrastination (a whole nation of us, imagine!)
but trepidation is the feat or parable
of this story

i don’t like the end

one is supposed to feel good to finish something:

i never do.
the conviction that i’m a failure lowers like a boom
each time …

i don’t feel proud or glad i’m done
not for anything
i hurt inside because it’s never enough

and i understand that
i understand me
how to explain without it sounding nuts?

i like ongoing projects
things that take years
a lifetime
to me that is comfort

finished is always something finished and not good enough
while dreams of accomplishment are always perfect;
something i can take and go to sleep
thinking yes! i will do this and this tomorrow
tomorrow i must flow with energy
have my strength
have all things all seen
i cannot give up on life
not ever
and it will be good

it will be so good
this piece of the puzzle
when it’s done it’s like the ride is over
it’s like the Carnie is telling you to get down

and part of you inside is wondering
what if i don’t?
what if i stay — who are these gods that decide the length of a ride?
i was just starting to enjoy it…

don’t worry i do finish things eventually
let me savor what i can and cannot do

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