veil between the night and fear

sometimes i have dreams
of being hunted or chased
sometimes it’s a stranger
sometimes is somebody i know
but always levels of fear and
being trapped
extremes i have never had in real waking life…
decisions to run or to hide
fighting for life
more importantly being focused upon
by such intense hate and hopes for harm…

so at this point am deciding they
are like my fishtank dreams
periodically i have dreams of
trying to save fish — moving them
from one tank to another or
building tanks or mopping floors
and saving fish that are flopping about…

these are symbols. saving the fish
is saving myself
from feeling trapped, with no options…

so running for my life
is facing something too big
not necessarily helpless
but needing to take action

and needing to experience that fear…
knowing that i can handle so much more
and fight to live even if that fight
is a type of failure to run.

every time it doesn’t matter if i get caught
or get away
the important thing is that i denied that right
of someone or something else to terrorize me

and i wake up ill and sick to my stomach
try to find some bit of reality away from
the fear and the searching for a way out

sometimes the mind isn’t enough
sometimes evil will find you and destroy your
carefully-built world
and you run or you hide
but you don’t lay down and die

to fight for life and that is hope
trying to hold to hope
even if something or someone is stronger
so in my dreams i run…
and lose my complacency

the next day feels fake
because the nightmare becomes the more real of two worlds
so i make sure doors are locked

and i feel my heart beat and tell myself
safety is where you live in your body
not a house
not locks and walls
no one ever saves me in dreams
you stand alone and know you’ve failed
it’s always just me having to save me

i think that’s the point

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