oh well it’s just betrayal

folks will get it wrong
they’ll read bad aspects into it
depending what they believe about you

for those prepared to believe the worst
should we really edit around perspectives
of gossip?

i will never forget finding a doctor holding
one of my writings
could only believe some family member gave it to him
and he proceeded to ask me why i was suicidal
and of course i asked him what the heck was he talking about?
so did he interpret incorrectly?
or did i incorrectly gauge what someone would come away with
from my writing?
mostly i try to write so that others can see themselves
in the words or the feelings
so was that doctor suicidal? maybe.

of course at the time i was mostly upset
that my words could be twisted and skewed
so terribly
simply because family assumed they knew me
when the time they spent actually
TALKING to me was less than i spend
talking to the local grocery clerk

so are we obligated
to take assumptions about character
into consideration?

i was never a saint
ever since that doctor held my writing in his hand
only looking at it as a set of symptoms or some kind of
summation with the rest and bulk of my work ignored …

well……….. i’m no saint
i simply then let singularities mess with heads
that don’t know any better than to look for the
worst in ME

because you get tired
you are not stupid and know
that CONCERN about another involves
talking to them, getting to actually know them

so i walk away?
maybe i get frustrated
within the first part of every family relationship
having to be about first reversing
and pulverizing every solidified assumption

and i could write about beauty
how the raindrops glisten on the ripe strawberry
and how the sunset gives me a sigh every night
as i watch the geese fly south once again …

then hope that somehow words turn me into something
beautiful
in others eyes …. in family eyes

yet instead i remain in the abstract
the settings which involve very few names
images of this thing and that thing

i’m not sure why
except that i remember that writing, MY writing
in that filthy, grubby hand
and how names shift and flow into
wild conceptions ……… and i don’t
know how to treat with that

except to run every possible interpretation
across “make sure it doesn’t seem crazy” filter

and you know it gets just a little bit much
at what point
does the responsibility to maybe NOT see me
as some sort of idiot
that doesn’t know the control of emotions
at what point
is the responsibility on the person
who would rather see the worst
in those they intend to keep down?

at what point do i get to say
look

YOU ARE INCORRECT
BECAUSE YOU DO NOT KNOW ME
AND WOULD RATHER KEEP AN IMAGE
OF BELIEF
THAN EMBRACE REALITY

want to know the reality?
the reality is i went for drives
through the fields of Oxnard screaming
my frustrations in a sealed car so no one
could hear ….
the reality is that i also went on drives
singing at the top of my lungs
and smiling at absolutely nothing
the reality is that it is not the car
that gave me my freedom

i have never done a single thing in my life
in a thoughtless manner

i was grown up at 7
what time were you handed your parent’s death certificate?
not to say i don’t understand
because i DO play the fool

the fool is a safe place to be
where expectations run low
and there is little risks of thoughts
going too far or too fast

that doesn’t make me deception itself
that makes me cautious because i would
rather understand slowly

fear is the larger part
of any mental imbalance
(i fear creating change that cannot be undone)
everyone needs a place
if you can’t be secure in a place
have to be secure in who you are

in the person inside
that some
some very few and precious people
will take the time to get to know

take the time to understand and see
that beauty is not a person who sees
beauty or demonstrates they are not bitter

but beauty is function
that which creates design
which settles on uplifting consequence
people are machines
and only as good as their maker

… so you decide what is true and what is not true
am i different?
maybe.
but I’ve had a heck of a lot to deal with…
just because you know that
does not mean that you know me

Reflected  (c) 2012 eebrinker www.fit2c.com all rights reserved
Reflected (c) 2012 eebrinker http://www.fit2c.com all rights reserved
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2 Replies to “oh well it’s just betrayal”

  1. What is it about humanity that they feel they have the inherent right to make assumptive conclusions? And where does family fit in that regard? Even worse from where I stand…more easily or not so easily forgiven any oversight or poor judgement at the expense of another…a ‘loved’ one.

    As for the medical professional, who knows us least of all…what a terrifying notion that they could so easily come to the wrong conclusions.

    1. It’s hard because there will always be the attitude that I got what I deserve, and one is simply classified as a bad person. I don’t know what to do about it…. See a mental health diagnosis gives THEM absolution. So they won’t give that up.

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