take the next train and i’ll see you at midnight

the type of person I want to be
often have wondered about the notes of discontent
then they tell you to love yourself
while implying that the self must be unlovable

I must simplify things
for my limited intellect
so I decided to think about those I admire;
shouldn’t change go in that direction?

but if I change me to be like THAT
will I end up seeing THAT as not special
but something never quite right
because it is now mirrored in the self?

so the start has to be acceptance
not so much of “faults”
but that we all “need” … bound in requirements
for the moments that are ahead
bound in deliverance
for the moments that are behind

yet the soul doesn’t change?
I wonder why so many can be mean to me when I try to be nice
that’s all

it’s not a big thing
often I think it is because i’m ok with me
and obviously shouldn’t-be
I think about the type of me that would make things right
and then I think about all the people I would not have helped along the way
so what counts in the end?

the bigger picture is just necessity
see I have astigmatism — my eyes see crooked
but since my brain knows it is not
the brain corrects the lines and planes

so I miss things
because my brain shows me the pattern
not the aberrations
the only thing that fluctuates is what is close enough
to true

thing to ask when you feel like change is needed
is to examine disappointment
because I think we keep our levels of disappointment steady
a type of meter or measuring

they call it ‘bitter’ but it’s a little bigger than that
I want to be flip
have some flip answer
but this is not a flip-thing

we are bombarded by metaphor
every TV show is its own parable
every sales-pitch is its own declaration
of inadequacy

is it all in how you touch a flower?
is it to not judge self
to not judge others?
the world is big
and we are small
yet the world is small
and we are big …

you can let your soul breathe all the reasons
do I want to be liked
or do I want to like others?
would I rather be the person I admire?
I think yes
but also there is no room for scorn

you look up and all above
gradate with higher levels of scorn
you look down
and all those below appear ravenous
balanced between
the space for self gets smaller and smaller
like our parables for the shrinking room

yet I can look outward and notice the day
perfection is a concept

the best is to come?
oh no, i’m sure it was behind
am not that big a fool

thing is that after so much disrespect from without
you start struggling from within
some give up and say they deserve that
but not me
that was never me …. I look at photographs
and think oh hell on a heartbeat ….
then and now
you don’t see that defiance in the tamed skin
of a blank expression
mouth agape because it is so hard to breathe
I look barely close to adequate
not the picture of intelligence
nor any symbol of erupting worth

so what if the me that is me always hides?
was the only answer
because I cannot witness anymore fear
nothing and dismissal
is better than disgust
so “just be yourself” is a moot point
for me
and all those like me

more than an image …
we all desire more than image
more than designs and roles
the part you play is to find peace
but not quite that
to find yourself? no…
it is to understand that we are a mess of demands
and they always come home to roost

no way for me to be what I admire
if a goal is out of reach it ceases to be a goal
what I admire most
is all that isn’t me

I guess that’s not such a bad thing to smile upon
the world is green and blue
light gives shape to desire
and souls sleep
where they last fell

it was not my intent to determine differently
it is NOBODY’s intent
to be less than what a future becomes



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