back-track

this morning spent time going over blogs from
when
i was in a bad mind

thing that resonates is fear
also noticed that i talk a lot about myself
which ok you kinda go oh well that’s immature
but not a crime

fear spirals in and gets tighter and tighter
until you hate everybody
see only yourself

thing is that i want to explain how
it would be a blessing if could forget when
you are crazy and the look on faces of
friends and family …
but i don’t

i don’t forget and maybe i’m a person that
has a hard time reconciling what i’m supposed to see
verses what i actually see

when things go haywire i’m still the me there
and when i meet those with mental problems
or even those who can’t speak from stroke or
those who can’t speak because they are babies

i see the person there
every spark of a given nature
so i guess it puzzles me when others DON’T
when all that a person IS
becomes based on how well they communicate

probably why i do so much writing and
why communicating in person is difficult
more often than not i stay quiet
because you are judged by what you say
and of course by what you wear
and how you do your hair
and isn’t all this unfair?

haha … part of me wants to be seen
as something a little more than my embarrassed silence
and so i inflict everybody with a barrage of words
here–online
and i don’t mean to … you know, to be a pain
it’s just that i want others to know i’m here

that i’m not some kind of disease
i just had a lot of bad stuff happen to me
where even one of them would be enough
for most people to build their lives and
personality around that one event …

but it doesn’t make sense to me
to do that
here in this blog world i try to get my fingers to say
through typing
what is hard for me to say when just talking to others
you could probably erase all the past blogs
on this site and replace them with one sentence:

she was tired of not being heard

those who read and take the time…
it means a lot
i don’t know how to express how much it means
everybody has their problems and poetry
…. well poetry so much of the time either gives
or takes
right?
is something that gives you a nugget of courage
or something that bleeds you with a bit of worry
or taxes on too long a road to the destination …
and you want to be a good writer
but a popular writer always gives
yet a person that just wants to be understood
seems to take

and if you want a response you can’t completely finish
your thought
there has to be room for other thoughts
or ideas and i have grown so defensive
that just hammer up every angle

so not sure why i write anymore. don’t want you
to have to read all this
this whole “all about me” crap
though i guess sometimes thoughts can resonate
can realize you are not alone
but then as a writer you look for things
in others to be similar rather than seeing
your own quirks …… is it this complicated?

eh …. i’m not a bad person
but definitely would not say that i’m a good person
more or less trying to find
why i always feel set apart

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5 Replies to “back-track”

  1. Reading your post I thought you might enjoy this. It is from a series I have just completed for a chapbook. >KB

    The Oracles of Good and Evil

    It is always with a second glance and or hindsight
    One of us is put in place from the verdant gardens
    Of a sublime existence to the filthy streets of life.
    Pick or choose either one the other must follow
    Close behind like shadow made by bright light.

    Twitch and swoon, twitch and swoon, we must both
    Be employed, giving meaning one to one another;
    Future good is evil passed and evil comes from good
    When time becomes the context mitigating contrast
    And even a fool knows better than to see a difference.

  2. Whether writing when feeling not quite right or not. I just want to say, no humbug, that the real and good person you are comes through. Very, many writers have struggled with similar feelings, thoughts, what usually happens is that the roughness of the stones rubbed against produces the refined shape and polish that makes them’good’ writers. Great characters are not formed any other way.

    1. thank you…. experiences and learning how to relate those things that feel important. there are some days i just wish i could fix the world, and then it’s like oh yea, i’d have to know HOW first….

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