forward on

well i used to spend the evenings
before i went to sleep
telling myself what i was going to get done the next day

i’m not sure why i stopped doing that
somewhere between the third and fourth hospitalization
and of course younger
meant had more things to do

would literally lie in bed and churn with nerves
thinking i need to do this, and this, and that…
and once had the full picture in my mind
would take a snapshot of it and
decide that would be how the next day would go

it was a type of prepping
and if anything happened for the day
that wasn’t on file from the night before …
the day was a wash
even if what happened was BETTER than what was planned

why has that changed
should it have changed?
will i get more done if i try to plan my days again …

seems to me that the underlying theme
was that every necessary thing
was laced with a life and death importance
not simply that i cared more about outcome

but further into the realm of desperation
definitely more in the scope of youth
where drama and exigency crown the top of the ladder

each step you made into your future
required completing the one before

so maybe it’s the many times I’ve had to start over
maybe it’s acceptance
or more pointedly, giving up trying to direct
according to where you want to land

according to a perceived notion of where you should be
because i found that one could be so enraptured by perception
that completely miss the reality of where you are

and then memories are spotted, only fast glimpses
when pulled perceptions aside and let the moment exist

yet without those contrasts
one day bleeding to the next … memory seems an even flatter affair

and like all good things in life
if the jungle is looking pretty tangled
you back-track

the mind searches for “where did i go wrong”
but what if it’s not
the listing of things to do the next day
but the grand importance of it all….

if it’s that, then i’m lost
and it’s not even that am more relaxed as age climbs
it’s that that person …. that person
i was

was a trusting soul;
and you never win that back

can’t cry over the inevitable
i just sort of wish

that the missing trust
wasn’t replaced by so many tears

i wish it didn’t require a trusting soul
to believe every action counts



5 Replies to “forward on”

  1. There is no way I can plan what I will do tomorrow, because, I am taking time out, to breathe for me, and not others for a day. Off to a Nursery to look at plants for the garden, then lunch I don’t have to make myself with lots of unimportant talk with friends. In the evening, I have a meeting to speak at,not a word will be thought through beforehand, I just kind of trust that appropriate words will come.. Never known a time when they didn’t. I think as I am ageing, I am learning that trust is putting my head on a pillow and falling asleep, tomorrow looks after itself.

    1. that’s a good point – that there is a trust in things falling into place. i think what i was looking at was how had a trust or faith that the more importance you gave something, the more importance it had. but then the hindsight on that shows it all to be simply what it is or was.

      so glad you’re taking a day for yourself! i love to do that and just wander around a store with no particular item or purchase in mind. today got blessed with a headache so is a dimmed room for me, while trying to not let my own tapping at the keyboard make it worse! 🙂

      1. Sorry to hear about the headache. I only get them very infrequently now, but have had bad migraines in the past that totally wiped me out, couldn’t do anything at all except wait for them to pass. Will think of you when I am looking at plants.

  2. Plan all you want. Life happens anyway. Today is the only thing we really have to worry about, anyway, because tomorrow isn’t guaranteed. Yes, make plans, it’s a way to try and control what happens in life – I get it, because I do it, too, all the time. Can’t change the past, and control, TRUE control, is temporary at best and an illusion at worst, so why stress about it? Just enjoy today and don’t borrow worry. 🙂 *Hugs*

    1. good advice…..I think about how regimented life becomes. how we are not much different than the ants that go nuts if someone steps on their anthill…..

      but the answer can’t be to not fall into pattern, into predictability….because that is where we find comfort, and then leading from that can be a growth of expression.

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