never lost

it is a question i think about a lot. how do people see me? you get a label that makes them think they know you are nuts, and then the only thing get to inspire is fear. and i’m not sure how to approach that. i’m not sure how to make those i care about understand what stress does to me. and work really hard to put myself in their shoes, but still do not understand the hatred i receive just because i am a person with a different sort of brain. it leaves my life hurt and confused, because i become the one called ‘crazy’ and yet nothing anyone else is doing makes sense. are they following some collective ideology, rooted in false understandings. then goes from “how do people see me?”

to “what did i do wrong?” and then it’s oh — i SPOKE. so i look at that and consider how it will be when i decide not to speak. or if i should. yet nothing of nothing will change how others believe i must be some sort of monster. that perhaps all the hatred i get is something i deserve. because i SPOKE. so i look at all of this and work very hard to understand why communities desire to label others out of fear. and i look at myself, because believe me i do the same. you get shoved on a ladder and as hard as the boots are hitting your head, will find yourself tromping on those down below.

the answer is to not feel yourself a saint, the answer is definitely not to hold in your heart that you are persecuted and held down because that only grows excuses…..and the answer is to not cower, because that only brings on more disdain.

the only answer i have is to continue to SPEAK. not necessarily to be hell bent on being understood — but to stay true to something. because it’s who i am, and i’m sorry if who i am makes you upset or afraid to even know me. that doesn’t make me crazy …… look at your world, and tell me what do you find sane?

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