i hate being slightly under the weather
just sick enough to not really plan anything for your day
just enough misery to not enjoy much
the essence of flat
because emotion takes up too much energy
and worlds spin but this one
remains impossibly boring …

to consider change
to realize death is not as far as it used to be …
to think about what you want
what you really want … to know you already tried it
and by gosh the grass really IS greener
and so what then? what now?
contentment just a word

i suppose i never measured up
but just to let you know — that was never
the view from the INSIDE
so i was always puzzled
when treated like dirt ….. i was always happy
to return any bit of kindness

and i think about where i was
where i am
and where i’m going

but i don’t plan on wanting anything more
and on days like today
that leaves me thinking about what it means
to have a life
yet one more thing riddled with those
stuck in belief
seeing themselves as some sort of
conglomeration of actions
yet only the approved actions and the old
the tired
the worn and tested notions

so for now i will say it doesn’t pay
to be an artist
not on a day like today
when even the sun teases
goes in and out behind the clouds

there is no such thing as dispensing with obligation
but i don’t want to be obligated to be the unhappy one
the lost one
without goals or somewhere in that jungle of outside desires

because you do get tired and say fine!
i didn’t want this or that anyway!
except with me it’s true

from the start
all i wanted
was to make things a little better



6 Replies to “day”

  1. Hey! Snap out of it. Dismay, doubt, distance from the world comes with being someone who thinks differently. Regular people live in despair all the time and never get the chance to feel the warmth of creating something out of nothing. No one will wipe your tears so there is no sense in crying in front of anyone. Save the feeling for your work, to call on when you need–you may find it reemerge as something completely different. You might even create art. Best>KB

    1. Oh I’ll live….is just very odd virus, went straight to the throat and have ear infection now. At some point I plan on having a life, but for now I just want my health back on track.

  2. I think the picture is lovely, it makes me feel better at the end of a long day. Not much time for reading blogs until now. I hope you really don’t feel the despair in your words, because after following you for some time now, I feel that you are the kind of person who does indeed make things better for lots of people, and yes you are kind. We adjust our clocks to British Summer Time tomorrow, they get put forward an hour, or as the mnemonic says ‘Spring forward’ .. Wishing you a beautiful spring … You deserve it.

    1. You have to deal with the time changes, too? Always throws me off and never made much sense either……

      I never stay depressed for long, mostly don’t do being sick very well… this way am more like a man, the way they become big babies. Haha…… and I only pray I make a difference on the side of positive. In so many ways even in a mental hospital it’s like I’m there to help the other patients and pull them up and out of despondency.

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