I got jazz kitty right after losing my daughter, called her my baby kitty. She didn’t exactly fill the hole, but she kept it from swallowing me whole. And in the long run, it wasn’t me who took care of the cat–it was the cat who took care of me.
I don’t know how to explain…..it’s not like I haven’t had many pets during my life. But Jazz was more than a pet, she was a person. And she didn’t just fill a hole, she taught me how to find answers where you least expect them. She taught me that you can be tolerant and look for change at the same time. She taught me that you don’t sweat the small stuff…..she showed me that trust was the highest form of love.
So I don’t miss having a cat, I miss having my Jazzers. Stubborn, crazy ornery….and for some reason she accepted me as her friend. and since she had her role to fill the hole of a lost child, filling the hole she left behind is not something I would place at any door, cat or human.
I have survived so many losses in life by refusing to mourn. And at this point it feels almost like betrayal to mourn the loss of a cat…..a pet. but I do. She kept me from going too far inside myself, and I taught her that not all humans are assholes. Got her from the humane society, she was hurt and abused–on the inside. So I brought her back into the world with understanding and kindness.
Some day I will get a cat again, but it won’t be to fill a hole. It won’t be to create that wall against loneliness. Maybe it will be to find a little responsibility and a retreat. It will be when I hear that call for what only I can do, to be a better human …..to find my better self.
But I miss Jazz kitty, and for now that’s all there is to it. She taught me so much, the least I can do is remember her awhile longer while learning my final lesson: no shame in letting go.
Sometimes you can’t fill a hole or find yourself in distraction. You know she hated my singing….everyone tells me what a good singer I am, but Jazz would slap at my face to get me to shut up. I respected her for that, and when she gave up and yowled along with me, all I could do was smile.