strangest bit of feeling alone.
i let it keep going to know how some may feel.
so often am by myself but never feel alone, the down in the mouth depression of being left to yourself.
there is less pain, no headache and a strange hole where all that throbbing normally sits.
sound is only voices, time is something that crawls.
i breathe and it goes deeper, past the realm of sighs.
old men’s crew socks pulled up and folded over, black ankle braces wrapped tight; the hope is that the toes will be less numb.
resting on my back, the room is far too white–only thing worse would be institutional green.
netbook resting on my chest, warming skin and bones as i try to explain…
it is never about groups and the need for others.
is about responsibility.
i think others are curious what you do when alone.
they think what might a person be like since they are not accountable to anyone.
no meals must be fixed, no housework must be done.
must does not exist.
so there is a curiosity, a willingness to see the lone person as an oddity.
there is also jealousy.
you would only be truly thought of and liked if you fell in the same soup as everyone else.
i think when my parents died i was alone.
it never changed.
when i can at least relate to people like j
like len like you
your attention and remarks are a part of this internet understanding. we all have in common a need to think,
before we speak. the dedication and time spent feels like a waste sometimes. but usually it is better to learn, to keep working to understand — like living in a library 24/7.
i loved the smell of the books. the enforced hush.
now i love the feel of a tablet in my hands,
the connection that is so frail and yet strong enough to keep wishful thinking awake.
i would say it is painful being alone, but that is not the part that hurts. i’m not even sure that anything hurts. no one wants to be in the same boat with me, but i hate being captain. to either rule or take orders. part of being with others rarely translates into freedom to pursue your own desires.
do i hate being alone? i hate that it makes me a social oddity. i hate that it means i am strong.