starting the new year without pain — don’t know how or why that happens. but always an unbelievable feeling to breathe without my sinus making that impossible. to be able to just sit in a chair without feeling every choice is like a vise tightening and grinding pain farther into my body.
i wonder at what it takes, have gone over and over my diet. nothing stands out and i am no closer today than ever in finding an answer. am pretty sure has to have to do with an allergy, a response of some kind that ties my gut up in knots and leaves me in states of pure misery. so hard to explain.
i even think of possible metaphysical reasons, like a mental tie to someone who is in constant pain. or that someone cursed me at some point or that the PTB have simply determined that they prefer me in constant pain.
i wonder about nerves and the back, if there is something about the three bad discs that effects my entire body. and since i did not do my hair yesterday, with the gel and hairspray — am considering the possibility of a reaction to hair-care products. but that is really reaching.
i had eggs yesterday, i had bread products, i had milk, chocolate, coffee — all the things that would normally be on a “no” list for food allergies. when i get a break today, it’s like how things were before the pregnancy with my daughter. that’s when i first experienced the pain. like instead of having the body mechanisms simply doing their things, i felt every single process. like nerves that are not supposed to have that kind of sensitivity, were firing all over my abdominal and head area.
have considered gall stones maybe … and that then rested on a major nerve branch or something. but fact is the whole thing is still a mystery. and it’s quite likely i will wake up tomorrow in complete and utter misery again.
thing is i think of how much more i could do, how i could go to work every day like everyone else – if didn’t have to deal with the pain most days. i think of how i would be a sweet and nicer person to everyone around me, if it wasn’t always through and under a layer of inescapable pain. i would so wish for that — to not feel the continual pinch and sickness.
when comes to constant pain you center yourself on ritual, stumbling to the kitchen and getting the coffee made. making the bed. turning on the computer. there is little in the way of choice or redemption. like a donkey plodding its course on the path of the circle, hooked to a wheel — round and round, head down, determined. one foot in front of the other.
i’m thankful for the moments of freedom …….. where becomes like a disconnect and i don’t have to feel every little thing happening in my body. am still thinking has to be a dietary thing — some obscure spice or item that ties my entire system up in knots. but so far haven’t found what that is.