seated

the fear
horror
is that to be tested
is to be mapped
charted
creating custom built cage
tailored torture
the hell of always manipulated
puppets and strings come to mind
it weights
the thought of how many
directions….. filled
how many purposes
as we dance the chessboard

when fear grips my gut
it is over this:
long-played culminations
of not really free

no, not at all
when i get up in the night
silence so strong
that even thoughts hush
the electric net of migraine
turning me inside out

that ending hits me;
no elated win or ride
but to be caught
pinned by someone
something that hates
that wants to see suffering
that wanted to work its evil

like a solar wind
sometimes the apex is closer
the drift,
stronger

so i struggle not to panic
remember
that i am not here for a reason
none of us are

happenstance and guile;
— i remember lighter days
and don’t regret the path of kings

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4 Replies to “seated”

  1. Powerful, gut level stuff here eebie! I was very happy to see a flower at the end of it. as we dance the chessboard, the electric net of migraine and don’t regret the path of kings–very memorable lines. It seems to me the more you relax and let the words flow the more original and memorable they become. You seem to me to torture yourself over the past sometimes, but sometimes that is a way of purging the demons. Keep it up. (if you felt like it I could use a bit of explanation about the meaning of the last line–there have been a lot of kings)

    1. well it’s figurative…. the path of kings is the same as the pawn, one square at a time. is a reference to less freedom the higher up a ladder one goes, but also the circular nature of winding up where you’ve been. i appreciate the question…. there is much in the past that haunts, but only if it is resurrected in the present….

  2. I agree that there are some stellar lines in this one, E. I also liked “electric net of migraine” and “like a solar wind / sometimes the apex is closer”. I think there is something to be said for letting go of whatever ‘label’ anyone other than yourself has ever placed upon you. It’s so easy to let ourselves be defined by other people. Gods know, I’ve done it more than I care to admit. But letting go…that’s where the real freedom comes from.

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